Your thoughts on "alone time"

To start, my boy/girl twins are two years old. Just turned this month.

I believe that it is good for my kiddos to have some alone time away from each other in their own space to learn to play independently--and to be able to play with something without their twin interfering. So for the past five evenings I have placed one child upstairs and closed a gate, put one in the living room, and I work in the kitchen. The instructions are "This is alone time. Everyone needs some time to play alone, so mommy is in the kitchen, ___ is in the living room, and ____ is upstairs. I'll come and get you when alone time is over. You can choose to take some toys with you...blah blah blah." The past two nights my dd has spent the entire time screaming and crying. She knows I am there, she can hear me, and she can even see me when I move to do some chore. I believe I have kids who want to be in the middle of everything and need to learn some independence. I have done this for 25 minutes each night. Some nights have been better than others, but the last two have been awful. I would like to know your thoughts on this. Does anyone else think this is important? I really really do, and I want to continue to do it, as I think it is just an attempt to get me to stop and interact with her. Just so you know, I interact with them a LOT during the day,and I am a SAHM.

Any thought are appreciated....

 

Just my 1st impression, but to me it sounds too similar to a time out. I don't know if they would be able to understand the difference just yet. I have boy/girl twins that will be 2 in April & so far they play pretty well together, but they will drift apart on their own at times.

However, I totally understand you needing some alone time.

 

I do believe in each child having some alone time to learn independent play, and although I don't have it built into our day, I keep thinking I should. A couple thoughts...I think that 25 min. might be a bit too long at this point. Also, they may just be a tad too young still to fully understand. I could be wrong though. I admire you for wanting to encourage some alone time. I think my twins could really benefit from this (and I have been to parenting classes that have endorsed this). We will definitely start doing it when they give up naps.

 

Mine guys are three and a half and they have gotten to the point where they do it on their own. they will start to play independantly and after a bit one will go find the other and join him. They also will go "read" sometimes in seperate rooms some times in the same. I think it comes. The only time we intervine and make them is on those days where one is just buggin the tar out of the other. and in those cases it is a bit of a time out. More like time away. Along the lines of if you can not play nicely together you cant play together.

 

i love how close my girls are. i wouldn't intentionally separate them. they play together but also do they're own thing near or further away from each other so i figure they have their own rhythum of becoming independent. times when they are separated because only one stays home and the other goes to day care or the dr or something they both do ok so i'm not worrying that they are too dependent on each other. things that come up during every day life make them have to spend time apart and for me that's enough. i'm very happy with their bond and wouldn't want to disrupt it. just my 2 cents though.

 

QUOTE
I think that 25 min. might be a bit too long at this point. Also, they may just be a tad too young still to fully understand. I could be wrong though. I admire you for wanting to encourage some alone time.

I agree with this. I do like the idea of alone time but never felt like it was something I needed to put in the schedule. Perhaps you could look for times when they are playing independently (even if they're in the same room) and then reinforce that? I think you will probably find your children will do it by themselves.
Another thing that can work well is to split them up for the whole day. Say one goes to a friend or relatives house and one stays home with you. Then they not only get the chance to play alone when you are getting stuff done but also the chance to have one on one time with you. The next time you do it you switch over who goes visiting and who stays home.

 

I incorporated it when they stopped napping. I told them that they didn't have to sleep, but they did have to be quiet for an hour. They were plenty old enough at that point to understand.

 

My boys are still quite a bit younger so maybe I'll have a different view down the road, but I have to admit that it sounded like a really long time out to me also.

You do have me thinking about the independence issue, though, and I'd never given it thought before. It does make sense to foster some independence in them before suddenly dropping them off at different classrooms someday. But I like the ideas some others have suggested, like trying to encourage independent play when they show signs of doing it themselves rather than forcing it on them at a set time and place. I also thought, and I think someone else mentioned it, that it might work better to do individual outings if you have some help at some point. Maybe on Saturday afternoon you take just one of them out with you, and the next week you take just the other one. That will also force them to have some independence, but it won't be so obvious to them that you are forcing it.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do, and thanks for getting me thinking about this. Right now my boys do notdo well when they are not together, and I've always thought it was adorable, but maybe I need to be thinking of ways to help them survive alone as well!

 

I think having alone time is important, but forcing it that way might be counterproductive. It might be better to just let them play independently (without being gated in) and make a point of staying a couple of rooms away. They may choose to play together or they make each do their own thing. But being confined with a gate may be so upsetting to them that the positive benefits of alone time are being lost.

 

I don't think I was comfortable leaving my children unattended for that length of time at that age (even in a child proof area). I have on occasion separated my children as they have gotten older when it seems they are disagreeing on every little thing but I don't enforce it. I just say maybe we need a little time to ourselves, why don't you play in the play room while you play in the living room? I let them naturally migrate back to each other on their own and then they resume playing nicely. I agree that at that age it might feel more like punishment to be gated in a space by themselves which seems counterproductive to your goal. If being alone is important to them, they will let you know.......you will be able to see it (like the example of grating on each other's nerves about every little thing).

 

I agree that it may feel like a time out to them and can't distinguish between the two - so maybe they feel like they are being punished? Maybe put them in their cribs with a couple of toys of their choice and put a favorite video on so they don't think they are going to sleep, but that they get to play with toys without worrying about it being grabbed etc. and the video will entertain them if they'd rather watch than play? This way they are seperated, but not alone or being "forced" to be alone etc. Not sure how you feel about them watching a video etc. - but if they have a favorite, you may incoporate it in "alone" time and they will enjoy it - even look forward to it? They are contained and you can get a little alone time yourself? Good Luck!

 

QUOTE(Minette @ Feb 14 2008, 11:30 AM) [snapback]621649[/snapback]
I think having alone time is important, but forcing it that way might be counterproductive. It might be better to just let them play independently (without being gated in) and make a point of staying a couple of rooms away. They may choose to play together or they make each do their own thing. But being confined with a gate may be so upsetting to them that the positive benefits of alone time are being lost.



I am going to ditto this post. My twins are obviously younger than yours but I think children are pretty smart about things. I mean, my two are always downstairs together and at not even two they play on their own in separate areas of the house and even in the same room they choose to do different things. I think independence is not something you need to force but encourage. Let them dictate when and how long their alone time is. If you worry about co-dependence, I think you have years before that will be an issue if at all. Honestly, I have quite a few MOMs with older twins who have very well adjusted twins that are independent without having to intentionally separating them.

 

Im sorry, but I dont see the point of this. They will have so many opportunities in life to do things independently, why force the issue right now at such a young age? If they are in the same room, they can still do "independent things". You can also pick one up while the other one plays or alternate nap times...

 

I'm going to agree here with most of the others. I wouldn't force it, and really, it's never occurred to me to do it like that. When I do need to do something like cook dinner or laundry, really one of the "benefits" of having twins is that they DO play together and I can get a little bit accomplished without having to be their sole source of entertainment. I wouldn't expect them to enjoy being gated off from each other AND me, that's a bit much at age two. Mine will often play by themselves separately, in different areas of the room, or even different rooms, but it's of their own choosing. If one starts to bother the other and she doesn't want to play with her, I try to engage the bother-er in something else.

If you want them to have some time away from the other, I would do something like you and DH each take a child for a couple hours, then switch the next weekend. That would be nice for each to get some one-on-one time with each parent.

 

Well, thanks everyone. That was interesting to me. My kids understand everything I say, so I just assumed they would understand my explanation, but maybe not. I did forget to mention that my DH is currently out of town and we are preparing to relocate, but we have three more weeks with dad only home on the weekends. So having separate time that way is not doable really. But anyway, good food for thought....Thanks,


Sheila

 

This topic reminds me of the book "A Room of One's Own" which talks about the need for a girl to have a space to be alone. I encourage my 3 year olds to spend time alone in different rooms and I love to spy on them - one likes to sing and dance to her favorite CD and the other covers all her dolls with blankets and "cooks" everyone food in their play kitchen. Though I love that they have each other, I can't imagine what it must be like for twins since they're so rarely alone. I think it's good for their imaginations and personalities to play alone, without me or their twin involved, but I don't force it. When they're done, they're done and I join in.

Best,
Mia

 

I hadn't thought about it Sheila, so thank you for bringing this up!! This has been VERY interesting to read!!

(P.S. Time to update your ticker )

 

I think they might be too young for alone time. Don't worry, they'll learn to request it when they get older.

 

My girls are almost always together, but sometimes the one will wonder off without the other. I also try to play with them individualy at times so that they can get the one on one attention. Sometimes I will take the one girls with me and dad will take the other with him. I think it is important for their growth to be apart a little.

 

My kiddos separate themselves a lot of the time. One could be in livingroom watching TV or playing with a toy and the other can be in the playroom playing with something. After some time, the one in the livingroom will say "Where Brandon" or "Where Taryn" and head to the playroom. They know if they aren't in the LR they are usually in the PR. They also are in a daycare and play really well independently and with the other children. WHen I go to pick them up sometimes they are playing together, sometimes they are playing alone, and sometimes they are playing with other kids.

I agree that it seems a little like a time out to them, from their age standpoint. Esp. for that amount of time and being upstairs (so far away from the two of you). Although, them being in separate rooms is good, forcing them to, esp. if they are crying about it may be counterproductive.