You are such a great mom and I don't know how you do it

Discussion in 'General' started by Lynn76, Sep 8, 2010.

  1. Lynn76

    Lynn76 Well-Known Member

    I hear those all the time and frankly, I can't stand them. I know people are trying to compliment me but it does nothing for me. If you really can't understand how I do it with 3 children, why don't you come help me? Then maybe you will see that I can't do it alone. I would love the help. I think having twins scare people off from wanting to help.

    The whole, you are such a great mom or you are doing such a great job is just irritating to me. It's when I am having a hard time (most of the time lately) and I vent to someone, they say one of these 2 phrases. Like I said before, I know they are either sympathizing with me or trying to compliment me. I DON'T LIKE IT!!

    Ahh, I feel better for getting this out! Thanks for letting me vent.
  2. Rollergiraffe

    Rollergiraffe Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I don't like the "I don't know how you do it" comment either.. If I can do it, anyone can. Anyone would for their own kids. I know that people are trying to sound supportive, but I don't want sympathy either. I would rather that people look at my kids as a joy rather than a burden.
  3. Heathermomof5

    Heathermomof5 Well-Known Member

    It is good to vent! You have got to be overwhelmed right now! I hear those words a lot too. I actually like them though, they make me feel like at least someone thinks I am doing a good job when I feel like a complete failure. The next time someone tells you that they don't know how you do it, ask them for help. They may say that they can't do it right now or some other excuse but it can't hurt to ask! With 3 kids under 5, things are not easy but one day you will be able to look back on all of the chaos of today and wonder how you did it. In the mean time, vent away! :grouphug:
  4. Snittens

    Snittens Well-Known Member

    I can kinda get why someone wouldn't like "I don't know how you do it." But "You're a great mom"? Seriously? Goodness, I guess people can't say *anything* to moms with twins. This is why I don't approach other moms with twins I see out and about.
    1 person likes this.
  5. twin_trip_mommy

    twin_trip_mommy Well-Known Member

    I don't mind either "You are such a great mom" and "I don't know how you do it" because I see one as a compliment and the other as an acknowledging of the difficulty of being a parent to 5 children. I do not like the title "Super Mom" because I don't feel all that super. I know it is a compliment but I don't like that one.
  6. moski

    moski Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Neither one would bother me. I would take it as a compliment. :)
  7. rrodman

    rrodman Well-Known Member

    I always just answer, "You just do" in answer to the "I don't know how you do it" comments. I get those a lot because I work full time, volunteer extensively, teach, and have twins. People are just trying to compliment me. They don't know how far I am from having it together. :)
  8. Mama_Kim

    Mama_Kim Well-Known Member

    Neither comment bothered me. Like Maureen, I took it as a compliment. To the 'I don't know how you do it' comment, I just replied you do what you have to do and don't think about it. What else can you say? You may feel like you're fallling apart on the inside but apparently you look like you have it together to the rest of the world! ;) And 'you're such a great mom' is hard for me to find fault with anyone saying that to another mother. I think it's called admiration. But we all have our hot button phrases/issues. Vent away! Sometimes you just have to get it out.
  9. twoplustwo

    twoplustwo Well-Known Member

    So what would make you feel complimented? I'm just wondering if "you are such a great mom" doesn't make you feel good, what would?

    I like when people say both of those to me. They make me feel complimented and admired and appreciated when my children say it to me.
  10. momof5

    momof5 Well-Known Member

    I love hearing both of those phrases! They make me feel good, like I am accomplishing something.
  11. Lynn76

    Lynn76 Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone for allowing me to vent and get me through this. I should clarify a bit about the "You're a great mom" bit. There are days that I fail all day long with the kids and sometimes it happens so often that I don't feel like a good mom so when someone says that I have a hard time believing it and if they really saw how I fail, they would believe me. Sometimes when I vent to someone about how I am doing, they automatically say "Oh, but you are such a good mom", that doesn't help. I don't think they know what else to say.

    MamaKim, you asked if there was something else they could say. Well, maybe they could ask if I would welcome some help. Or recognize how hard I have had it lately.

    I guess since I am going through a hard time in my life right now, these I am more sensitive to these things. As I grow stronger and get some things figured out, then I am hoping that I can take the compliments and smile and say "Thanks!" And believe people when they say it.
  12. ihavesevensons

    ihavesevensons Well-Known Member

    When someone tell me that they "don't know HOW I do it", I reply back with "it is not HOW I do it, but WHY I do it"

    It makes them stop and think about it, and it is the truth.....the kids are WHY I do it!!!!!
  13. Lynn76

    Lynn76 Well-Known Member

    To the bolded: Normally I don't mind people making comments or thinking my twins are cute or even have questions about having twins. I am just going through a really hard time right now and I am a bit sensitive to those statements.

    I love seeing other twin mamas in the stores and malls and church!! I feel a connection to them. I like that we can see each other, notice we each have twins, smile and just know we support each other even without talking. I love that!!

    Please don't stop approaching other twin moms b/c some day you may just say the one thing that mama needs to hear to make it through her day. Just recognizing that its been a rough day/week is a better compliment (for me) than "You're such a good mom" or "I don't know how you do it".
  14. Lynn76

    Lynn76 Well-Known Member

    Thats a great reply!!

    OT: Where in central IL are you? My family is in Springfield and I have friends in Champaign/Urbana. I am in St Louis!
  15. Mama_Kim

    Mama_Kim Well-Known Member

    No, I asked what more can you say when someone tells you 'I don't know how you do it' after I shared my usual response. :D I wasn't asking you what they else they could say to you.
    Sorry if you misunderstood me!!

    You're right, though. You are probably hypersensitive right now about these things because you are having a rough time. That's normal and I think we've all been there. If venting here helps you cope, and I hope it does, then by all means vent and get it out. Everyone has to have an outlet. I hope things get easier for you soon!
  16. twoplustwo

    twoplustwo Well-Known Member


    Makes me so sad. I am wondering if maybe you are setting your expectations for yourself too high. What does one do to FAIL as a parent? It sounds like you are being way too hard on yourself. There are days when our kids just won't listen, or we don't get the laundry done, or the house is just a pig stye, or we can't get ourselves to make dinner, or so many other things. These are normal and PLEASE don't beat yourself up over it. Are your kids safe? Are they fed? Do you love them?

    Have more confidence in yourself. Vent away but still know we have ALL gone through times where we feel our world is falling apart. I wish it wasn't a normal thing but in my experience it is and it does go away. Hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself. :hug:

    Also, you said you would like others to ask if you need help. If you are needing help, instead of waiting for someone to ask if you need help, maybe you could ask for help from friends or family. If you do, maybe they will start offering help. I know that I have asked MANY for help when I've needed it. It's hard to do but wouldn't you want your friends to ask you for help if they needed it?
  17. Lynn76

    Lynn76 Well-Known Member

    I am a bit hard on myself. There are so many things I want to do with the kids here at home and when it doesn't get done, I feel like I have failed them. I feel they deserve more. More than just sitting around the playing or getting into stuff. I think that I am dealing with some late PPD and am in the process of getting some help.

    To the bolded part: The thing is I asked 2 BIG churches for help. Our former church and our current church. One person helped for 45 mins 2x's and thats it. No one else helped out. This was last summer (2009) and I know I was dealing with PPD then but it wasn't bad. I was overwhelmed and pretty much just surviving. I am still bitter over no one wanting to help even tho I needed it badly. My parents live 2 hours away and my inlaws live 4 hours away so they can't help. I should say my mom has helped me the most aside from my dh. I appreciate both of them so much. My mom can only do so much to help as she is physically unable to do a lot but she is there with a listening ear and a hug!
  18. Maymay

    Maymay Well-Known Member

    If you need something, its really best to ask a specific person to do a specific thing. For example, asking a particular woman at church if she can watch your kids while you go to a doctors appointment is going to get much better results than asking a big group for unspecified help. People in a group always think that someone else will do it or that they would help if they knew what you needed.
    I hope that things get better for you soon. PPD is so hard but it sounds like you're taking the right steps to get through it. Keep venting here if it helps!
  19. twoplustwo

    twoplustwo Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad you have your mom who listens and give you needed hugs. That is so important. I am also so sorry about the lack of help from your church when you asked for help. I would be hesitant to ask for help too if I had that happened to me. I hope you can find someone who can lend you a hand every once in a while and stop being so hard on yourself.

    I always think my kids deserve more no matter how much I give them. I don't think that feeling ever goes totally away. I have learned to appreciate the things I can give them. My kids may wear hand me downs and don't have an ipod or other fancy things but they are loved. They have lots of our time and no one can give them that but us. It also got a lot easier when they became able to voice how much they appreciate the small things. For me, things got much easier at about 4 y/o.

    You are a very caring mom. If you weren't you wouldn't care about doing better for your kids. They are very lucky to have you as their mom. :hug: to you.
  20. megkc03

    megkc03 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    You know, when I read this thread, I totally understood what you meant. Not that you meant it in a bad way, or that you are not appreciative of the comments. I don't think I hate the comments per se, but most times I don't feel like a great mom because I spend my days yelling, or I lose my cool with the boys, or they watch too much TV, or I don't interact with them as much as I should. The list is endless of why I may feel like a horrible mother.

    But most people seriously hold me high on a pedestal as a mom-they see my fb statuses of what we've done during the week, or vacations, or whatever. They see the photos of painting outside, or using shaving cream, or painting with their feet. Or they see how calm, cool, and collected I am with them in public. How I have amazing patience. I do. In public. At home-it's almost non existant. They just push every.single.button.

    I get it. I think as moms we hold ourselves to such high standards. And deep down, we know we are great moms. Like Allison said, our kids are fed, safe, loved, and many other things. Vent away. It's good to get it out.

    I don't know. I just understood your post. And when people tell me these things, sure it makes me feel good, even great. People notice what I am doing, or what I am going through. It's not easy taking care of two 2 year olds and a 1 year old. But other times, especially when I am having a bad day, or a horrible week, or whatever, it makes me want to cry because I don't feel like such a great mom and I'm not sure how I am doing it-and the people who say what they do-see me during a small fraction of the day, when I have to be on my game...

    I always like to say, "If only you were a fly on my wall...." :laughing:

    Hang in there! We all have those days/weeks/months. I do know-by the end of the day-I just look at my kids and the beautiful smiles they leave me with before bed-and know-I'm doing the best that I can, the best I know how. And tomorrow is a new day...
    1 person likes this.
  21. efmolly

    efmolly Well-Known Member

    I agree!
  22. LeeandJenn15

    LeeandJenn15 Well-Known Member

    I really like that you posted this thread to vent. Hopefully it helped!! I kind of understand what you were feeling - I take the "You're such a good mom" as a compliment, but don't always "feel" it or believe it. I think I'm constantly measuring myself against other moms who seem to have so much more patience, or just "know" better how to mother their kids.

    I have to keep telling myself I'm doing the best I'm capable of, and my kids are loved and happy, so we're doing alright!!

    I hope you find some help and a way to get out of your "funk". :youcandoit:
  23. Lynn76

    Lynn76 Well-Known Member

    Yes to all of this :good:
  24. Lynn76

    Lynn76 Well-Known Member

    I am completely guilty of comparing myself to other moms but I know those other moms have their bad days too. I do feel good when I look back on the day and know that my kids were loved on (almost too much!!), fed and safe.
  25. Gigantor

    Gigantor Well-Known Member

    Don' be so hard on yourself. It's tough when you are your own, worst judge.
    The comments don't bother me either, I usually tell people when they ask how I do it, that "I don't see the choice in the matter" and then laugh.
  26. Gigantor

    Gigantor Well-Known Member

    One more thing! Don't let anyone's judgement get to you. Nobody knows you, your life, your kids the way you do. Whatever you do, if you act out of love and understanding it'll be the best parenting you can possibly give your kids.
    No matter what you do, people will always either like it, or judge you by it. So you just do what feels right to you.
  27. ihavesevensons

    ihavesevensons Well-Known Member

    I am about half way between Champaign and the middle of all of the corn fields and soybean fields (turn left at the cow farm).....hahahaha
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