WOMEN! I Need Some DW Help

I haven't read through all the posts. Sorry I just don't have time with my 7 kids. I'm just mentioning how many because I'm still alot like your wife after having 7. My DH sounds alot like you. Things just don't stress him out as much as they do me. I keep thinking God has blessed us with these kids so that I can learn patience. Anyways, hormones are evil after twins, totally different than after my singletons. We fought so much after the twins were born. And our make-up session when the twins were 4.5 months old produced our newest baby. Talk about another stessor so be careful, lol.

Anyways, my recommendation is to give her a HUG when she is upset. And if she pulls away. Give her another. My DH is still learning to do this. I mean who wants to hug someone who is angry and upset. But this is exactly what calms me down.

I am not a "natural" mother. So I've been extremely hard on myself, like I should know what to do. My DH I would say is a very natural father. Remember God is working out things in both of you. So pray for your wife.

Sorry this was very random. My thoughts are all over the place.

 

Yes...I agree with all that...thank you as well...

And my Thanksgiving wasn't maybe as cruddy as I made it seem. I guess I was just bummed because I was trying to do something nice for her and then I had to deal with her emotions.

Now, that was then, but you ladies helped me understand a lot of things. My inital post was with some of my frustrations then.

I know some people posted that aybe I should not have sent her off. No...it was nothing like that. She was already going to go stop by her Grandparents at Thanksgiving. She was born and raised her, so pretty much all her Family is here. She is used to seeing them all of the time, but since the whole Twin Festivities, she didn't get to see them as much as she wanted.

Trust me...with Nat...I can't tell her what to do. I made the suggestion, or should I sau I let her know I had no problem staying here with the kids. I actually told her to stay as long as she wanted, but she was only gone a total of 3 hours because she wanted to come home to her babies. Although I would have rathered her stay there and take a nap or something a bit longer, I didn't tell her that when she came home.

 

Oh...I leave her. I do all the grocery shopping and errands. I try not to dilly dally though. She's ready for a nap by the time I get home.

I was on leave. I am back to work now (new teaching job...no deployments for 3 years). The rest. is still there, just on hold for now. We need to figure out what we are going to do. There is issues with her Mom(our partner) as well as the twins being WAY more important than anything. As of right now I transferred 18 months of my VA Education Bill to her and she is staying at home to finish her Masters Degree and take care of the kids.

I am away a lot...usually from 615am until 530pm(but it still beats ebing in Iraq every 6 months)

 

Yes...TOTALLY true. It's not magic. It's not "POOF...you're a Mom!" and know all the answers.

As far as getting out. Besides being terrified during this season right now and that they have RDS, I live out in the "boonies". I can't even see my neighbors...BUT...Just got some interesting news.

I have been talking to my Parents(who live in Pensacola). Long story short...

My Dad retired after 30 years in the Air Force. He just recently quit working his other job once he got to Social Security. She had up until recently had a 12 kid Home Daycare. She just cut back to 6 kids. My Dad has a lot of "aircraft" teaching oppotunities...like Pananma, Singapore, in the US, etc...so he will just do that part-time and maybe take my Mom on a few trips. She was going to keep her Daycare open until the end of 2010, but she changed her mind.

They have a real nice house in Florida, but know that it isn't worth much since they will only have us kids(I have one sis) and their Grandkids(12 and 8 year old Grandaughters from my sis and our kids) once a year. They get my Nieces every Summer for like 2 months, so they decided to move up here in June. There is a real nice Golf Course Community across the way from me(my Mom is NOT a Country person)

So...soon we will have a nice neighborhood to take them out and about it...and by then, I'll be less freaked out.

 

I think she was like that for the first few days, and honestly I couldn't ask for a more supportive person during their NICU stay. Her being composed(more than I thought she could be) made the whole thing a lot easier.

I think it was like she said to me the other day...that I was so much better than her at things. I think that was showing how mayve she thought since she was a Mom, she should already know it all right off the bat, but now understands it is a work in progress.

I think we overcame the whole "failure" thing by understanding that if they didn't come out then and there, then Marlee would not have gotten the care she needed for her bleed that was already there and might not have survived. We were firm believers that they came out then and there for a reason. Also what helped was that she knew that if she hadn't driven to the Hospital at Midnight that night just to "get checked on" that an hour later our kids would have been born out at the woods with no chance for survival. She knew she wasn't a failure...she was a savior. She could have very easilygome back to sleep since she had to be up in 4 more hours.

I know a lot put a big stress on "the normal birthing exp."...yeah...not so much here, she just laughs and says..."Hey...no stretch marks." (Now of course we would have preferred not to have been in the NICU for so long, but we made the best of it)

 

I didn't read through all the posts either, but I did read what "snittens" had to say and that was my first thought upon reading your inital post. My babies were not premature, nor did they spend any time in the NICU but as a mother I would imagine that is very trying on a women's emotions. A regular pregnancy is and a twin pregnancy is worse. She may need the extra kudos and that feeling that she CAN do this and that she is a GREAT mother!

My DH is much like you. And even now he allows me to leave every night to get a break, but sometimes him "pushing" me to leave is annoying. Sometimes I want to be able to sit and talk to him about the day without being pushed out the door the second he walks in.

I think you're doing a great job and I think it's great that you posted on here and that you wanted and took the advice that was given. That's what this site is for and you should be able to vent or get advice the same as the rest of us.

I wish you guys the best of luck!!! I think of your family often and I'm happy to hear the babies are home. Now the real "fun" begins.

 

Yes...very good point, but I have NEVER mentioned or said things that I do better to her(I'm not that dumb!!!...LOL)

I think it was what other people said...she feels that way. Trust me, I don't say how quick I feed or burp them, etc. That's just rude.

I think I got her to express herslef well the other day. Communication is the big thing.

Also...like I responded earlier today. I give her the "avenue", or the "ability" to go out and about, not tell or ask her to. Big difference.

I just wanted to say thanks again for all the responses.

 

Awesome awesome awesome that you approached her and she cried/opened up to you. Everytime that happens with DH and I we usually get back on track.way to be the bigger person.

 

Wow, my knee jerk reaction to your post was that I wanted to hit you, so there's my blunt reaction. I really cringe at some of the things you have said about your wife here, and I think how very, very hurt she would be if she read them. I know you said she doesn't come here, but what if she does at some point? I know everyone has their moments to vent, and I do give you kudos for seeking advice, but your initial post was just mean. Just mean, in regards to the woman who carried and bore your children. You owe her better than that, and the fact that you would say those things about her here tells me that you are not being emotionally supportive at home, which you appear to have realized.

Now, more constructive advice. You do clearly feel that you are "better" at this than she is. Whether or not you say that to her, she knows that you feel that way. And that is a problem. You are making it a competition, even though you say that she is making it a competition. The woman has newborn twins, and it is an adjustment. Let her figure it out. I can also see from your posts over the time you have been at TS that you value things in your wife that she is probably not managing right now - physical fitness, a "go get it" attitude, drive and ambition and organization.

I come from the perspective of being a lot like your wife. My husband was, and to this day is, a better parent than I am in many ways. He has more patience. He was a better burper. He is better at dealing with toddler tantrums. My daughter completely prefers him. I cried every day in the beginning because it was so alien to me to be so lost at something. I am a complete "type A" overachiever, and I never met a problem I couldn't get through with hard work. But hard work doesn't make a tiny baby sleep when you want it to sleep or eat when you want it to eat or stop crying when you don't know what is wrong. And there's a big learning curve there with some personalities. And my husband was brilliant at it from the word go. Ultimately, I kick butt as a mom, and I am really good at a lot of things having to do with my kids. I am patient and wise and good. And I know that, in part, because my husband tells me, and more importantly has told me since the beginning when I was a weepy, useless mess. My husband never made me feel less than even though he clearly did more in the beginning (I was never up for a night feeding when he wasn't up too, but he let me sleep many times). Had he even once suggested that dealing with my post-partum "emotions" was annoying for him, I probably would have considered divorce or bodily harm. Instead, he reminded me that I had been through a physical and hormonal ordeal that he had not been through.

So, my advice is that you shouldn't forget, in the midst of being super dad, that you are still someone's husband. Don't forget to work as hard at that as you do being a dad.

 

WOW REALLY WELL PUT.

 

I'm sorry I didn't have time to read all the posts. My dh is military like you and also very capable with the kids even as babies. I remember having a nurse visit the house and she said "you are doing a great job" well, that was just the best thing ANYONE could have said to me. My list of importance are videos, pictures and tell the new mom she is doing a great job. I think my husband sees things as "tasks" even now it is finish up the dishes so they are done, while I noticed that the girls are sitting there waiting for someone to give them food (twins are 2 yrs).

During those early times I couldn't sleep because I heard them, each cry would feel like it permeated my skull, I wanted to be close to each one and make each one feel loved. Feeding time was less task oriented and more about one -on one time that I feel they might have missed out on during the day.

My dh and I never really fought, and then right after they were born we really fought. I think at around 4 months things levelled off. It was the change in our lifestyle we were both dealing with.


Heather