Very personal topic

It has been hard to go from a great two and now a crazy four ! I miss just the two of us sometimes and the connection we had. I have no MOJO left and I miss that part of our relationship. I tell him how I've read others on here are going through the same thing and I think that helps him to know that it is normal. He has a job which takes him away so I get the girls all day and all night for a week stretches. It has been hard to get him back to "knowing" the girls and their sleep habits, eating habits, etc.

But yeah it is really tough on a marriage but I really try not to say something I would regret. Just remember this is the father of your children and you want to try not to say anything hurtful. Would my girls like me saying that to their father ?? I know I need to continue to remind myself to put our marriage first THEN my kids. Because my kids will always be taken care of by me... there is no question. It is my marriage that needs the work. thanks for the thread I know it has struck a cord with all of us !!!

Heather

 

Hang in there, this is NORMAL.
My husband and I have not been the same since the girls were born and every week we go together to therapy and every week the therapist tells us this is so normal. I hear that it takes a year to get back into your groove.
This is the hardest thing most of us have ever done and we have to give ourselves the time to figure it all out. We're tired, we're frustrated and we all need to mourn the lives we left behind. As wonderful as it is to have twinfants it is a huge blow to all of our systems and we just need to learn how to put it all in place.
Be patient with yourself, be patient with your husband and enjoy your babies.
It will all fall into place.

 

I love this board....so much support, compassion and great advice all in one place....

Even though we've always talked about everything, DH was always the decision-maker and that was fine with me. But when the twins came, I suddenly was the one in charge. Since I was now a SAHM, DH looked to me to make the day to day decisions when it came to the girls and I became panicked and resentful because I didn't know what I was doing either. I was so worried about making the wrong choices about when and what they ate, when and where they slept, when they should go to the doctor, etc....

I have a business degree and background and it suddenly occured to me one day that in order to survive I had to approach my new twin mommy life like a CEO does a new business. I can't tell you how much better my marriage became once I took on that responsibility. DH could work and not have to deal with me calling him in a panic. The girls were happier to have a confident, in-charge mommy (even if I was pretending). Of course the Vice -President (that would be DH) was consulted for big decisions, but the daily stuff was my responsibilty. The house, the girls, the bills....that's my job. DH does the cooking and the yard. We give each other breaks....he takes the girls for an hour-long run every night. I put them to bed alone so he can go fishing. Our marriage is a complete give and take and it's the only way we would make it.

Like a pp said, I also liberally give DH the benefit of the doubt. While I always have my eye on the clock to keep the girls on a schedule, DH is less aware of when they need to eat and sleep. I don't think he does it on purpose, he just doesn't get it. I get angry, but if I step away for a few minutes to re-group, I can usually let it go without an argument. If it happens often, I wait until I'm calm and then address it with him. I have learned to bite back retorts and smart remarks because it just escalates and no one wins anyway. Of course I'm not ALWAYS as rational and calm as I sound here, but we both really try to be nice to each other and that's really important.

I think our marriage is stronger then ever since the twins. Our family is 1000 miles away, so we have only each other and that makes a huge difference in how we look at things.

 

Dh and I refer to those first 6 months with twins as "The Dark Ages" because it was so hard. We seriously can't even reminice about it without feeling a pit in our stomach. The lack of sleep makes people irritable and cranky. Whatever you say to each other, try not to hold it against each other. Just be in survival mode. Hang in there and just remind yourself that you and your Dh will be best friends again. Life gets SO much easier.

 

:hug99:
Having children changes everything. I believe that you must change your expectations for your relationship, it will never be the same. I'm not sayig you won't have fun or enjoy each other, just do it differently. THere is a bit more planning involved and a whole lot more communication needed. Also understand that marriage is not always close happy times. There will be times when you may feel disconnected or out fo touch. That is why marriage is hard. It can take work to get back to each other in the chaos of life.

What you are going through is normal, just keep doing what you are, making time for yourself and talking aobut it and it will work out.

 

Dh and I were totally like this in the beginning. The easier the babies get to take care of the more you will start feeling like yourself again. Things really started getting back to normal when they were about 7 months old. For now just take it a day at a time, an hour at a time if you need to. You are both in this together and even though he works hard at work he decided to have babies and needs to try and understand that for as much as he would love to get a break when he gets home, sometimes it just won't happen. This time in your life goes by so fast so just hang in there and do your best to try and get some time away together if at all possible. Once the boys started going to bed early and sleeping for a while, we got a lot more time in the evenings together. I know now that I am sleeping again, I am a totally different person. Just hang in there things will get better. :hug99:

 

WOW, all your posts have been more than helpful. I was starting to think we were the only ones going through this. All my friends have children but they are all singletons, and it just seems they don't even close understand what is happening in our lives now that we have the twins. I have actually felt a little isolated, so add on relationship issues, and I have been feeling like my whole life is just shifting in a way that I can hardly handle. These posts have some amazing ideas, and it is wonderful to know I'm not alone and that things will get back to a more even ground at some point.

 

QUOTE(first time mom at 34 @ May 6 2008, 04:45 PM) [snapback]759191[/snapback]
THANK! for starting this post I was just about to start to start a thread about it.

Ladies, I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do. As I'm typing this I am tearing up... I just want to wash my hands of everything to do with my DH.

All DH and I do is argue now like many of you we never argued prior to the babies (we've been married almost 6 years and we dated prior to 4 1/2 years). Now its all we do, about EVERYTHING! Who woke up first, who go the shower first, who had the remote last... the nicest thing will turn into full blown arguements. My parents came to visit to give us a break (ok, I called in tears telling them DH and I need a night out to get back to "us"). Dinner started off nice enough, we made the no baby talk rule and somewhere between apps and entree we fought and continued to bicker till we got home.


Wow I am going through so much of this exact same thing! DH and I occassionally argued before the babies - we've had our hard times in the past - but nothing like what we are going through now. I don't think we got in one argument the whole time I was pregnant and now it's like we just bicker about EVERYTHING. Part of the problem is that DH was not here when the babies were born - he was in the police academy, so I did the first two months without him, and since he only saw the babies on the weekends he was so excited to see them that he did everything on the weekends. Then he got out of the Academy and started a very high-stress job that requires a lot of overtime. It is the worst time imaginable to start a new job, but his old job required him to be out of town for half the year, so he had to change careers. We really are like angry roommates, especially DH, he is just so angry. Now that the babies are 6 months old and no longer "new" - we bicker all the time about pretty much everything.

The most ridiculous thing we argue about in this stressful situation is time. Yes, we will argue about what time who woke up and what time we took a shower, how long we each got to sleep, etc. I started to wear a watch just so I could be sure I was "right" about the time, until I realized that wasn't helping anything, if I win the argument I'm still not really winning anything. We seriously fight about everything. I started seeing a counselor about it, and that has really helped me A LOT to not get into this ridiculous back and forth fighting, when no one is going to really win.

Even though I've stopped participating in the all out fights, I still have so much resentment toward him. (and I think he feels the same way). I just keep wondering if I'd be happier in the long run by myself. I'm just trying to hang in and hopefully things will get better eventually. I am trying to talk him into taking 2 days off work so we could go out of town together, by ourselves, I think we really need it. I still love him. Thank you so much for starting this topic, I was wondering if anyone else was having such a hard time or if I just have a horrible marriage.