I'm having a difficult time with my in-laws. Hoping some of you ladies can help by sharing your similar stories and solutions and helping me find a easier way to look at things. I've had a very strained relationship with my in-laws since I first met them. They have been mean and hurtful over and over again these past 10 years. Before the babies were born we rarely saw each other and when we did it was because we couldn't avoid it. Now because of the babies they feel they have the right to come over to see them. As if the bad feelings between us don't matter. I know I have no right to tell them not to see their grandchildren but seeing their grandchildren involves me having to see them which is not something I really want to do. I wouldn't keep them from the babies (unless I had a good enough reason that conserns the babies) but it is so hard for me to ignore the past history of bad feelings. When they do visit things don't go that well. They want to visit even when they are sick. They lie about being well and it turns out they have a cold. They never lift a finger when they are here and expect to be waited on (they have a maid who could cook for us and they could bring food over but they don't). They never buy the babies anything (they are well off). They barely speak to me when they are here. When they do they are questioning my parenting. They have decided that they like one of the girls better (they say the other one looks like me and my father which I guess is a bad thing) and make it clear saying terrible things like "you're the pretty one" and ignoring the other girl. They constantly try to compare the two and put one down. I don't feel comfortable with them present when I bf and since they are no help they have been told they can only visit weekends when dh is here to cater to their needs (make them coffee etc.) and I can go to another room and feed the babies if I have to. Of course their visiting means we don't go out that morning and we only get to go out on weekends as a family so I hate when we don't. And if they're here our friends who all work and can only visit weekends also can't visit. But what can I say? It really is never convenient for you to visit? If you don't like me and treat me well you can't see them again? I'm lucky they don't feel like coming too often. It's so srange how I can no longer avoid them or set boundaries. Before the babies I worked alot and could always say I was too busy and avoid them. I can't leave dh here alone with both girls and them- it's just too much for him. Dh can't take them to their house to visit- they are still breastfeeding often, and my in-laws are unusually dirty people, their house is dark and dusty, I know they wouldn't wash their hands if I don't make them and it would take more time out of my weekend with us all together if he did that. Also, I stand up to them when they are being unkind to the girls when I am present. If visits were at their house I don't think dh would. Dh in theory agrees with me and finds many errors in their way but also wants to excuse them since they are his parents. He tries not to force them on me and they end up visiting less then they would since we come up with excuses. I just hate being forced to deal with them! What would you do? Thanks for letting me vent!
I'm having a difficult time with my in-laws. Hoping some of you ladies can help by sharing your similar stories and solutions and helping me find a easier way to look at things. I've had a very strained relationship with my in-laws since I first met them. They have been mean and hurtful over and over again these past 10 years. Before the babies were born we rarely saw each other and when we did it was because we couldn't avoid it. Now because of the babies they feel they have the right to come over to see them. As if the bad feelings between us don't matter. I know I have no right to tell them not to see their grandchildren but seeing their grandchildren involves me having to see them which is not something I really want to do. I wouldn't keep them from the babies (unless I had a good enough reason that conserns the babies) but it is so hard for me to ignore the past history of bad feelings. When they do visit things don't go that well. They want to visit even when they are sick. They lie about being well and it turns out they have a cold. They never lift a finger when they are here and expect to be waited on (they have a maid who could cook for us and they could bring food over but they don't). They never buy the babies anything (they are well off). They barely speak to me when they are here. When they do they are questioning my parenting. They have decided that they like one of the girls better (they say the other one looks like me and my father which I guess is a bad thing) and make it clear saying terrible things like "you're the pretty one" and ignoring the other girl. They constantly try to compare the two and put one down. I don't feel comfortable with them present when I bf and since they are no help they have been told they can only visit weekends when dh is here to cater to their needs (make them coffee etc.) and I can go to another room and feed the babies if I have to. Of course their visiting means we don't go out that morning and we only get to go out on weekends as a family so I hate when we don't. And if they're here our friends who all work and can only visit weekends also can't visit. But what can I say? It really is never convenient for you to visit? If you don't like me and treat me well you can't see them again? I'm lucky they don't feel like coming too often. It's so srange how I can no longer avoid them or set boundaries. Before the babies I worked alot and could always say I was too busy and avoid them. I can't leave dh here alone with both girls and them- it's just too much for him. Dh can't take them to their house to visit- they are still breastfeeding often, and my in-laws are unusually dirty people, their house is dark and dusty, I know they wouldn't wash their hands if I don't make them and it would take more time out of my weekend with us all together if he did that. Also, I stand up to them when they are being unkind to the girls when I am present. If visits were at their house I don't think dh would. Dh in theory agrees with me and finds many errors in their way but also wants to excuse them since they are his parents. He tries not to force them on me and they end up visiting less then they would since we come up with excuses. I just hate being forced to deal with them! What would you do? Thanks for letting me vent!
I have the same type of relationship with my grandparent-in-laws, who pretty much took care of my dh over a lot of his life. He was their favorite grandchild and I will never be good enough for him. IF you can see a reflection in my oven, it is still considered not clean enough for them. They favor the baby that looks like him. We had to live there temporarily while I was in the end of the 1st trimester with the girls and they complained I was sleeping too much and that I was lazy and should be working bc at that point I didn't know it was twins yet and they had no sympathy, even calling my belly "fat". They didn't visit us in the hospital, although they took the liberty of cleaning and rearranging my house while I was there laying in a hospital bed recovering from my c-section and they kept my dh from coming back to see me that day. Finally I accepted that the problem is 100% their's and what they say shouldn't matter.
At first, I thought maybe you weren't giving them enough credit, but when you said that they favor 1 twin over the other. I am mad!! If you don't feel comfortable enough, I would have dh sit them down and explain to them that you have 2 children and if they can't be nice and treat them both equally, then they aren't welcome there. I can't believe dh doesn't say something. But then again I can, b/c my dh is kind of that way w/ his parents too. I am so sorry you have to go through this!!
Its so tough to have a bad relationship with inlaws, and that is exactly where I am too. I have not spoken to the ILs since MIL overstepped the boundaries and chewed me out in my own home for not being nice enough and for not going to church, its such a LONG story though so i wont bore you with it. But anyways, they have also not seen the girls and teh only reason they have seen my son is because dh takes me to their house or church on occation. I have put the ball in their court the last 4 or so months reminding them it is not my responsibility to make sure they see their grandchildren...now we are set to move this weekend and it looks as though they will not see the girls...oh well, its their loss. THe simple fact that they are chosing favorites it WRONG! I would step up and remind them their are 2 and if they cannot treat them equally then there is no reason to have a relationship with them. If they start making comments about your parenting, tell them nicely it is your home and if they dont agree they are more than welcome to leave. Coming to your house to see the kids is a privledge not a right, they had their time to be parents to their children, now they need to sit back and let you be a parent. My honest suggestion would be to invite your friends over the next time your ILs come, hopefully they would be have the decency to keep their mouths shut in front of strangers. Or you can always just go to your room and dh can bring the babies to you as they need to be fed. Who cares if they are offended by this, they obviously are not nice people so why go out of your way, kwim? Anyways, I feel for you, I really, really do
I wouldn't stand for any of it. It's teaching the kids more than you know. My own grandparents (mother's parents) would treat their family this way. They used to make fun of their own daughter (my aunt) for being the fat and stupid one. They labeled everyone in the family. The "pretty" ones definately got all the love. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. My father and step-mother had custody. My grandparents hated my father and was not shy about saying so. My grandfather would look at me disgustedly and tell me that I look like my father. He would make fun of me and call me ugly when I got older and started with acne. My mother never stood up for herself or for me. As I got older and told her how bad I felt or said that I don't think it's right the way they treat their own family, she'd make excuses for them. My mother had a lot of problems of her own for growing up this way. I thought that there was something wrong with me. My own family is disgusted with me and don't love me? I must be horrible. They were extremely judgemental people. I was never good enough for them. I was depressed as a child, through my teen years, and into most of my 20's and they had a big part of that. When I went through counseling and finally felt better about myself, I had nothing to do with my side of the family anymore because that's all they did was make me feel horrible about myself. I haven't talked to them for 3 years this past October. I've heard of horrible things that my mother continues to tell people about me and my husband, and it just makes me want to talk to her even less. They won't change. I will not subject my children to that. To be honest with you, it doesn't sound like your in-laws will change. You've been married 10 years and they continue to disrespect you and treat you badly. I really don't see a solution because the way I dealt with my family was to stop being a part of their lives. I'm so glad I did, though, because I feel so much better about myself. I don't have to hear constant negative criticism from my own family.
I would have my most helpful friend visit at exactly the same time and set an example of a good guest. If nothing else, you have someone you WANT to talk to and someone who will help you with this or that. If they have a maid, why are they dirty? Doesn't the maid clean? That's bizarre.... Limit them via excuses to 1x a month. When the babies are older it'll be less stressful to have them around the girls because they'll be stronger etc. and you won't have as much to worry about. I know it's hard, but I think you have to keep doing what you are doing and keep demanding hand washing. I would probably say "Oh, we didn't make coffee this morning but it's all clean and right here if you would like some - help yourself!" In a cheerful voice. I would then say, "I'll be right back, I have a mountain of laundry that I am trying to tackle." That way you have little ways to get out of the way and not be near them. I am a little more direct when I am comfortable, but you situation sounds pretty UNcomfortable. Set the boundaries the very best that you can. I am so lucky that I don't have these difficulties, but I am SO sorry that you do!!
thiquote: Originally posted by ~* dfaut *~: In a cheerful voice. I would then say, "I'll be right back, I have a mountain of laundry that I am trying to tackle." I would probabyl go one step further and bring the baskets of clean laundry out while they are sitting there and say "you don't mind helping me with this do you?". I'm serious, they have no reason not to help when they are there and imo the least they can do is sit on their bum's and fold some towels.
I despise my mil, she is a horrible hateful person and I HAVE told her she is not welcome around the girls. Her influence is ALWAYS negative around all of us, and she does more harm then good. Actually she does NO good, everyone in his family agrees with me too. That being said, I think favoring one twin over the other, putting a baby down, and telling the other that she is the "prettier" one IS harming your children and plenty enough reason for them to no longer be around those babies. You have to protect them, and as they get older and really start catching on this will harm them! I think you need to tell them EXACTLY what you think, what they are doing is wrong and no longer acceptable in your home.
yes having a maid and still having a dirty house is strange isn't it? what happens is they spend too much time hanging out or cooking that the house doesn't get cleaned much. They really like the maid and don't ask for much from her. They have a long history of getting along better with the help then their relatives....
thanks for your posts.. they made me feel less alone with this. i just wanted to say i admire how brave you have all been and i'm sorry you had to go through all that. I will try to follow your advise. i need to be more assertive if i am to protect my girls and myself.
