Their behavior is driving me crazy!

My twins aren't quite 5, however they will be in 1 month.
They are driving me bonkers. I thought by this time the constant fighting/squabbling/bickering phase would have passed but it hasn't and Im exhausted. They have an extensive vocabulary but rather than use it they are just darn right violent to one another.
They don't nap & haven't for at least 1 year. They attend preschool 3 mornings a week, he plays hockey 2x a week, they both take swim lessons 2x a week. We are a very active family. When we aren't doing activities they don't sleep. I have to physically wear them down to get them to sleep from 9pm-7am. They don't self entertain. Me asking them to go play and suggesting 2-3 activities they might be do may as be me asking for a full on fight/screaming session between the two of them.
Over christmas break (no swim, no hockey, no preschool) they slept midnight-8am despite us taking them sledding, ice skating, the holidays etc.

Our babysitter is on vacation this month. I work 2 days a week and today my husband had to bring our kids to me to stay for 20 minutes while I finished up so he could get to work. I had to place them in timeout for 10 out of the 20 minutes because they weren't able to use that time to eat their snack, draw pictures, or play with the toys available in my office. It was 20 minutes!!!

My son is the worst. Yesterday he sat in timeout 4x? for the following:
1. inappropriate language
2. Using scissors without permission (the day prior he nearly sliced his own finger off on a can of soup that my husband told him he would make him when he was done opening the mail)
3. climbing on furniture (which he's never done in the past)
4. back talking. I asked him to do something he looked right at me and walked out the door!

I've threatened to take their activities away ( swimming/hockey) but the truth is if they don't go, they are even worse!

I had to pull my car over on the side of the road and told my daughter to get out today ( She didn't. but it got her attention) I look back and she's punching her brother in the head whose screaming. Its winter here. The roads are icy/snowy and I can not concentrate with that kind of behavior taking place in the back seat.

They are too big to ride in carts at the grocery store and aren't able to walk alongside me while I pick up a few things.

Just now my youngest came to tell me her brother took her baby. when I asked him about it, he lied. I then asked him to sit on the couch. He thrashed around threw a huge fit and said "No. Im not going to sit here. This is what you get". I promptly jumped up from my seat, spanked his butt (which I think/know is wrong) and then sat him on the couch.

I'm at my WITS end. I've read scream free parenting. I've used "I" statements. I am very direct with what I want them to do and nothing is working. The most frustrating part is they don't behave like this for anyone else. My husband/babysitter/friends/preschool teacher always comment on how well behaved they are. how extensive their vocabulary is. How smart they are. etc.

Ive had friends suggest wine and/or ear plugs but I cant very well start drinking at noon! Another friend suggested taking their toys, but when I get a trash bag and start picking up their things that they fail to put away after repeated asking they just help load the bag... its like there isn't anything I can do or take away so how do I encourage the positive behavior I want to see.

Their responsibilities are:
1. make their beds (to the best of their ability)
2. place their dirty laundry in the hamper
3. Pick up their toys when they are done playing with them.
4. No screaming/hitting/fighting/etc.

Any suggestions?

 

after some cooling off time, moderators, do you mind DELETING my post? Thanks!

 

Before its gone :hug: try separating them just a bit here and there. It helps my two they just get too much of each otger

 

:hug: I don't know if this will be deleted or not but I just want you to know that some of the behaviors you are describing sounds like my house.

And I will quote what my mother tells me when I complain about my kids, "Well as long as they are bad for you and not the public in general..." Thanks Mom.

Can you try quiet time with them? Putting them in separate spaces for an hour, while they do a quiet, restful activity in lieu of a nap. Mine have not napped for almost a year as well.
I agree with the attempt of trying to separate them a little, maybe some space will help them get a long better? Mine do fight like cats and dogs sometimes and I just tell them they have to figure it out and quit their noise, or they lose the object in dispute and get time out. That usually solves the problem quick.
Do you use a timer to keep them on track with tasks? I have to use a timer for my two in the mornings when it's time to eat breakfast and we have to go somewhere in the morning. Left to their own devices, they will fool around and breakfast could last an hour. I don't mind that if we have day where we have no where to be. But I am also trying to prepare them for kindergarten too, so we've been working on focusing on eating in a timely manner. My two HATE the timer. So when I say it's on, they will do everything in their power to finish eating/or another task before it goes off.

Honestly, I would also make the threats to stuff that you can follow up on. Like maybe not threaten to throw out the toys that they don't pick up...but put them in a trash bag and place them in a closet or something for a specified period of time. Talk to their coaches, maybe they can sit out a practice or a game for not behaving. All kids have a currency, just your kids currency might be a little hard to find.

 

:hug: I have to get my girls on the bus, but when I get back to the computer if this isn't deleted I have some thoughts and much sympathy. I'll be back...

 

I know you are at your wits ends. I would read Denise's thread. I'm pretty sure you can use of the behavior therapy she talks about.

I would also try and put your kids to bed earlier. I would make them stay in bed, even if that meant you stay on a chair in the hallway (or sitting on the floor) and put them back into bed when ever they get out of bed.

 

I'm back and this post is still here so here is my two cents. First of all since they are well behaved for everyone else, that's a good thing. I know my girls save up all their bad behavior for me too. Which is hard for us, but at least shows me that they can control their behavior.

How do you do time outs? Are they separated without any attention at all? Do they get a warning? Have you ever used a sticker chart for good behaviors? They sound like high energy kids. One of my girls is like that... So is my husband. I gave up the battle about climbing on the furniture. She can't jump on the couch or off the couch, but she is allowed to stand on her head on the couch. They are also allowed to do tumbling in the den or dining room (not a lot of furniture and there is a rug). Maybe you can come up with some ok indoor high energy activities. There was a ts mom years ago who got an indoor climbing toy so her boys would stop climbing on everything else (debid you still around?).

I think your kids are also old enough that you can talk about your expectations for their behavior. My girls used to be beasts at the grocery store. I didn't want to put them in the cart, so they had to walk. I would try to go at times that weren't busy, and would talk to them before we left about good store behavior. If they started getting wild in the store, I'd remind them about good store behavior. And if necessary, I would time them out in the store (had them sit on the floor and face nothing- I know ick, but what are you going to do). I never had to do it, but I was willing to leave a full cart and leave the store if the time out didn't work. I don't know if its age or training or a combo, but going to the store is now so much easier with them... Even on a busy Saturday afternoon.

Many hugs and I'm sorry you feel like you want to take this post down. I know that feeling of being so annoyed that they just won't listen to anything I say. It's so hard to be neutral when they are being beasts, but I just have to keep reminding myself (and my dh reminds me too) they are just doing what 5 yr olds do.. Testing. :hug:

 

I'm sorry, we don't delete posts. It looks like you're getting a lot of helpful feedback already, though! I'm sure that this topic is one that will help many, many mamas.