The *privates* talk

Not sure what to do in this situation, so I thought I would come to the "experts" and those who been have been there, done that already.

Boys are 7. Annabella will be 6 in June. Today, dh overheard one of the boys(they go in and wake her up) asking her about her vagina, where does she pee, etc. I didn't hear any of it, he let me know. Before school, we talked about closing the doors when we change/go to the bathroom. That everything is private(vagina and buttocks) and no one should be asking to see them(we mentioned going to the doctors with mommy/daddy present), and if anyone ever asks to see/touch etc to tell adult as soon as possible. We also said if they ever have any questions-to always come to us, we will answer them.

Now, the slippery slope, in my opinion, is that dh wants to "punish" said child. He told child he would think about it and let him know this evening. But part of me is thinking, he is jumping the gun so to speak. He didn't necessarily know it was wrong to ask this of his sister(this has never come up before-to our knowledge). We did take the TV away-from all of them-as their language is suffering. They can watch shows with dh and I(really-history channel, food network, and the like), but the cartoon crap, etc is off limits. 

Anyway! How do you approach these scenarios? Or how would you? 

 

Well, we don't punish for anything so I say don't punish. In all seriousness, even if we did use punishments/rewards in our parenting, I would not punish for this. Your children were expressing a natural curiosity, not doing anything wrong. You've now stated the boundaries and expectations you have on the topic. I would leave it at that. Punishing will only make it seem much more interesting to them then it is and really has more to do with our own adult weirdness about sex and sexuality then anything at all to do with the kids.

Children do need us to teach them our values and beliefs. But how well do any of us learn when we're being punished?

 

I agree. I think dh was so caught off guard that it is his first defense mechanism, or whatever. But I know, having been here for almost 7 years now, that it is all a part of growing up, being curious about our bodies, listening and reading posts by you Rachel, and others. I'll talk to dh later about it, but my gut definitely told me to state the boundaries, let them know, and leave it at that. 

Thanks Rachel!

 

Don't punish. Maybe get a kid friendly anatomy book or two for them and start explaining epidermis, uterus, everything.

 

You can't punish curiosity.  Its just curiosity and normal for this age.  And I feel if you make it seem "forbidden" by punishing innocent/curious questions it can create an environment where they think twice about coming to you. 
 
Definitely pick up some anatomy books. 

 

Just like everyone - I think curiosity is natural. My kids are 4 and they take baths together since they were babies. I think Max was less than 3 once when he looked at Vanessa in the bath in a panic and said with a worried voice - "Vanessa is missing her peepee!!!". I tried to compose myself - although I was LOL on the inside - and I explained that nobody is missing anything and boys and girls have different ways of going peepee and what each was called - anatomically - and there's nothing wrong with anyone and we went on with their bath. So that was that. At times one of them will ask a question about the other during bathtime - but rarely - and I answer the best I can and we move on.
 
I think there's no reason to punish him - he just noticed something different and asked questions. As everyone suggested - get some books on the subject. 

 

I would not punish them. It's perfectly normal to ask, and they're going to learn some time. Great opportunity to talk about boundaries and consent, but I think punishment would only result in unwarranted shame. Our boys got really curious and asking everyone under the sun about their vaginas for a while. It led to a few embarrassing conversations with strangers :lol: but now they know and they know we will answer all their questions. I know Kris was pretty reactive at first too; a product of his own upbringing, but I decided long ago I would always talk openly with my kids. Kris has followed suit as he sees that the conversation doesn't end until their curiosity is sated.

 

I agree with everyone else, I dont think that they did anything wrong...they are just curious.  I'd not make them feel bad about wanting to know. 
*hugs*

 

I don't think he's done anything that warrants punishment.  Better that they feel free to talk openly with you now and get accurate answers than giggling over I'll-show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours with uninformed friends behind the bathrooms 5 years from now.  

 

haha Jen, that was too funny.
 
I agree with the others, he was just wondering - 'ya know? He is curious and I think what you said to them this morning was great. Punishment will bring shame and a reluctance to come to you guys in the future - and possibly "secret" conversations in the future. I wouldn't go that way.

 

I agree - no punishment.  He was just curious, and you WANT your kids to feel free to ask these questions at home.  Because if they don't ask it at home, they will ask things from their friends or at school and maybe get wrong information or get in trouble for asking at inappropriate places (like school).

 

Definitely no punishment, and I can't tell if you were connecting the word vagina to deteriorating language, but I don't think vagina is a bad word. I really don't see anything he did wrong, other than making your husband uncomfortable and that's more your husband's issue. We get weird about this stuff as adults.

 

Thanks ladies! No, no connecting the word vagina to deteriorating language.

I talked with dh and he agreed.

And we talked more about it at dinner. They know to come to us with any questions they may ever have, or if anyone ever were to touch, ask to see, etc etc. And to always come to us, even if it is something really bad that they are afraid is going to get them into trouble(whether it happens at school, friends, etc).

Thanks!

 

Glad it worked out Meaghan!  I would not punish for this.  There are kid friendly anatomy books out there (my friend had recommended one for me and I can't remember the name, but it's perfect for this age) that you can pick up.  Keeping the lines of communication open and making sure that they know they can come to you or your husband with any questions is the best.  
When my kids have asked each other about their respective private parts (it started early here...why he/she different then me???), my husband and I have answered very directly and calmly.  We've also had to teach them about respecting each other's business as well and that one wants or needs privacy, the other should respect it.