Stressed out by my husband

Discussion in 'General' started by ECUBitzy, Jun 15, 2011.

  1. ECUBitzy

    ECUBitzy Well-Known Member

    This is a husband bashing rant, so if that bothers you don't read any further. I have got to get this out and talk through it because I'm getting so fed up that I just want to scream at him.

    Paul is a stubborn, stubborn guy. He has very strong opinions, often based on nothing, that cannot be changed. There have been times in the past that he will put his foot down about something and I will research the issue to show him the different sides and he still won't budge. He's making these same decisions in our household now and it completely unwilling to discuss them with me and I just cannot take it anymore. I feel like he just dismisses me as if I'm one of his students!

    I'll give three examples so that I don't just sound like a wench. First, on Friday I received a picture message from him of the girls that said "Look, mommy, we got hair cuts!" He'd given the girls a haircut without me. Not just a haircut, but a bad one- straight across bangs that go too far to the temples and are high up on the forehead. I called him and told him that I was upset that he didn't consult me and did it without me. He responds that it needed to be done, so he just did it. I pressed further telling him that I was sad to have missed a milestone and that I needed him to understand that he couldn't just do things like that and he would not budge. No apology for hurting my feelings, no acknowledgement that I was upset, just the stubborn insistence that he'd done what had to be done. At this point I let it go because I was on the verge of yelling or crying and I know that I don't communicate well when I'm that upset. He does know, though, that I struggle with being away for 50 hours a week, so I can't imagine why he wouldn't think I'd be upset about missing the first haircut.

    Then, this weekend, he came home from the store with three different kinds of juice. I told him that I didn't want the girls to have juice at home. Paul and I have had this conversation before. I recognize that I can't control whether my girls get juice at my MIL's or at future parties or whatever, but that I really want the options at our house to be milk and water. No soda, no apple juice, not gatoraide, not tea. That's how it was when I was growing up and I have never developed a sweet tooth or acquired a taste for tea (southern addiction!). But, finally, I just don't see nutritional value in juice. Paul dismissed me, again, this time saying that it was "ridiculous" and that was that.

    Now, this morning, is my first morning that Paul is home with the girls and I'm getting ready at a leisurely pace with the bathroom to myself. Aah, so nice. Except that Paul came in and booted me out of the bathroom so that he could shower and get ready. This time I did get pissy and tell him that he had to wait, but he said that the girls have to be up and can't sleep in for my convenience, so he has to get up and get ready himself. We're talking about 7:15 in the morning! Why can't they sleep until 7:45 or, god forbid, 8:00? Again, he dismisses me. He pushed past me and took over our little 3'x9' bathroom and kicked me out while I was trying to get ready for work. This turned into an actual argument about how the girls HAD to be up and on and on.

    Gaaah. All of that is just to say that, I swear, he doesn't respect or even listen to a dang thing I say. Seriously. I feel like he makes parenting decisions with his mother, not me. I feel like my feelings are irrelevant to him. I feel like he's a stubborn douche and that I cannot imagine dealing with his PITA self for 50+ years of my life. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but maybe not.

    I'm calling the counseling center that we went to a few years ago to get an appointment. We cannot parent our children together if he doesn't think I deserve an active role in the process.
     
  2. becasquared

    becasquared Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Oh F me gently with a bread knife. I had a long reply typed out and accidently clicked on the ad up top and LOST IT ALL!!

    Anyway, I would toss the juice and tell him that you want all 1300 calories that they take in a day to be healthy calories, not from processed juices. For the bathroom thing, whoever needs to leave the house first is the one that needs to get ready first.

    The first haircut? Not cool. Did he at least save the hair? I would not consider it their first haircut though, that is the first one in a salon. :)

    It really sounds like you're having serious mom-guilt from working when he's going to be home with them over the summer. You're afraid you're going to miss out on something, and you might. The most important thing though is to remember, if they're happy and breathing at the end of the day, that's really all you can hope for. And when they're going to be around him all day, when you get home, they're going to want you exclusively.

    I suck at "build you up" type of messages, and my first one was better, but how about I buy you a drink next weekend?
     
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  3. Mellizos

    Mellizos Well-Known Member

    Honestly, from the examples, it sounds like you're just as stubborn as your husband. You decide when and how they get a haircut. You decide what they are permitted to drink. (OK - the bathroom thing is weird. But it's why we didn't share a bathroom for the first 7 years of our marriage.) He thinks juice is no big deal. So you search the web to find examples to show him that he's wrong. Is juice just empty calories? Or is there room for moderation? That sounds like an area for parents to compromise. Right now, you are both putting your foot down. Do the babies need to get up right now? Should they be on a very strict schedule? Or is there room for compromise? Just from the little glimpse you gave us into your life, it sounds like he is passive aggressively demanding his part in making decisions about and for his children.
     
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  4. cheezewhiz24

    cheezewhiz24 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Stephanie,

    :hug:. It some of the stuff would bug me, but some of it wouldn't. Bottom line- you should be considered on parenting decisions. He needs to work it out with you and you need to bend a little bit, too. I actually like that he is stepping up and not letting your girls sleep till whenever- to me it shows he's taking his new role as a SAHD very seriously like any other job. Routines are great for kids. That being said it would have been nice for you all to chat the morning and how it's going to go in advance.

    I see a lot of different expectations here. I'm married to a stubborn guy and think I may have a touch of stubborn in me, too. :lol:

    It's so tricky sometimes having a SAHparent. You will have to defer a little to his way as he has to enforce everything and deal with the kids the majority of the time- some stuff that works for you will be hard/unnecessary for him to enforce. My DH had to accept that I have to deal with whatever rules we have in place, so I need to be consulted if there is talk of a new rule/course of discipline for consistencies sake.

    You will miss stuff with him being home with them. I bet he didn't know how much the first haircuts meant to you. Or think that it could have meant something to you. I just did our boys' first cut and asked DH if he wanted to go. He stared at me blankly and said "No" like why are you asking me this? It's hair?! So it may be like that.

    I do hope you two can come together and figure out how to make his SAH time a success and a good time for both of you. :hug:
     
  5. twinmom2dana

    twinmom2dana Well-Known Member

    I appreciate your feelings, especially with the hair thing. But playing devil's advocate... :girl_devil:
    How many Mommies do you know that have done the same things and more without mentioning it to Daddy? I'm not sure what all else is going on but if dh needs them on a particular schedule, for whatever reason, why is that wrong? Did it make you late for work? If my hubs messed up the schedule I has set for our kids, I'd be pissed, so would other Mom's. We all do what we have to do to make this parenting thing work, so why is it a wrong vs. right issue?

    I understand you not wanting them to have juice, but he doesn't see a problem with it so why is your opinion the final one?

    I hate the haircut thing, more so because they are girls and there are other ways to rectify wild hair other than cutting it off, especially himself. That was a little crazy, lol.

    The examples you have given sound like you both have control issues. Like you want to assert yourself as Mommy and have the final say, as most Mommies do, on everything. But if the tables were turned and it was you buying juice, cutting hair, wanting the kids to stay on schedule, you'd just be Mom, being Mom... I think I'm missing something.
     
  6. ECUBitzy

    ECUBitzy Well-Known Member

    You did pretty good! No, he didn't save any hair. The reason that upset me so much is because (and this is when I was post-partum, so I'm not normally quite this pitiful) after the girls were born I woke up crying one morning and told him all about my dream where his mom cut the girls' hair without me one day. I was so upset by that dream that I can't believe he could think giving the girls a haircut was a good idea.

    I definitely think mommy guilt has a ton to do with it. I love my job and I love working outside the home, but I feel guilty for not being home, I feel guilty for needing the time to myself, and I worry about how much the girls will miss out on in our relationship. Silly? Probably. But I still get so upset.

    I can see that to some degree. And I am stubborn, but usually not until the point when I feel like my discussion isn't being heard. I'm all about negotiating and presenting pros and cons and coming to a compromise, but it's like he doesn't want the process or something. He really just thinks he knows best and that's that.
    And the bathroom things sucks. Seriously. But we on;y have one right now, so that's life. What really sent me over the edge this morning was the way he turned it into a slam on my parenting. That I couldn't just do what is "convenient" for me as it relates to the girls. It seemed like such a broad implication that he thinks I'm doing something wrong in how I am parenting.

    We have butt heads on little things over the years and he's been stubborn. But it's like he's taking it to a whole new level now and is just being hurtful towards me with it. Am I more sensitive about it as it relates to my kids? Absolutely. But he's still doing it.
     
  7. ECUBitzy

    ECUBitzy Well-Known Member

    Maybe.

    And I do have control issues in many areas of my life, so maybe it bleeds over at home when I think I've turned it off.
     
  8. Heathermomof5

    Heathermomof5 Well-Known Member

    All of that would pi$$ me off and I do not work outside of our home. My dh is a stubborn jerk who use to do the same kinds of things. The problem with this is that yeah, it is true that he is their father and has the right to do things on his own, however when 2 people have kids together they need to parent together.There has to be a compromise, you will not like that he let's them drink juice on his watch but he respects you enough to wait until you get home to cut their hair. If he thought their hair needed to be cut he should have at least mentioned it to you if he let's them drink juice whatever but he should not act like he can do whatever he wants and your opinion means nothing. And the bathroom thing is just rude. I wonder if he is overwhelmed with being home with the girls and he is taking it out on you? And the they have to be up thing is odd also, it is like he has to control as much as possible while you are home. Almost like he is a rebelling child who is mad at you for working. Do you make more money than he does? Do you have more " power" at your job than he does? Is he trying to feel more assertive and manly by controlling you with the girls because maybe he actually even subconsciously feels inferior to you?? Maybe he needs to feel more on your level and this is the only way he knows how? I don't think it is an issue of you being controlling, these are just a few examples not everyday decisions - if he chooses lunch options and daily activities, outfits, and all of the little choices on his own everyday then if he is so stubborn about the big choices then IMO you do have a problem.

    I freaking HATE some of the decisions Travis makes, he was raised on a whole different planet than I was. He sees no problem with our kids telling him where he can stick things and being very rude to us or strangers. He says they are entitled to their opinions. I am talking opinions that I would have been backhanded into next year for expressing. When our ds# 2 was in 6 th grade he told his teacher that she was a fat hog and that she would not be so fat if she did not eat so many doughnuts. We were called to the school I freaked and Travis defended Jared. From that day on the way I handle that is to bust my butt to make sure I express my opinions loud and proud. And if Travis wants to argue I simply say frankly my dear Scarlett I don't give a da* n. And when Travis gets ticked off because Jared calls him a cheap a$$ and looks at me to say something to him I tell Travis that if he has raised the boy the way I wanted to Jared would never say anything like that. If I were you I would not say a word, I would not do it in front of him but if I was passionate about the no juice rule, the juice would disappear. I would never let him live the haircut thing down and I would rant to a friend or parent so that when they saw the haircuts they would also make a comment on them. And I would lock the door to the bathroom every morning when I was getting ready and either have the hair dryer on or the shower or the fart fan on and act like I didn't hear him knocking.

    I am sorry you are dealing with this. I hope counseling or something helps. Living with an unbudging stubborn person is hard and changing them is even harder. :grouphug:
     
  9. AimeeThomp

    AimeeThomp Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I get what you're saying - it's not so much the individual things that are pissing you off, it's the fact that you don't think he listens to you or values your opinion, or includes you on decision making. I'd sit down and talk with him after the girls to bed on a night when you're not in the heat of the moment. I think counseling is a good idea. I've been there and sometimes a third party really helps.
     
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  10. MarchI

    MarchI Well-Known Member

    So when men don't know what to do they stomp their feet and bully people. Him throwing you out of the bathroom was rude. He needs to be called on that one and apologize because he is basically saying in that situation he is more important than you. About the parenting--he sounds overwhelmed and still working things out. The haircut went like this <him thinking> "omg, how can I make it so hair is quicker and easier to deal with? Oh I'll cut it." That is all the thinking he did. There needs to be some give and take but he doesn't get to veto you for no reason other than he thinks he knows better. We have a no buying juice rule but Aaron still ends up with juice from neighbors/sports snacks. My husband and I talked about how much juice, how much tv, etc and we both shared our opinions and came to a compromise. Sometimes new situations arise where we have to deal with them without knowing how the other one is going to react. However, whenever possible, we try to discuss these things as much as possible.
     
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  11. Leighann

    Leighann Well-Known Member

    I completely agree with Aimee. You need to feel like you are working together and that he hears what you are saying. I've been in the situation with DH where he feels like I make decisions without him and it hurts his feelings. We've had discussions (and fights) about it and it helps to know his feelings. I honestly don't think about it when I'm making a decision and we are working through this together now. :hug:
     
  12. ECUBitzy

    ECUBitzy Well-Known Member

    That's exactly what I mean. Exactly. Our first time in counseling was a "save our marriage" sort of thing and we left there with the understanding that we would sometimes need to go back to work through smaller issues. I think we're at that point since we're not seeing eye-to-eye on things lately.

    Paul is a good man. He's an amazing husband. Sometimes, though, he does things that are so thoughtless towards me that I just get so upset that I can't see straight. I'll share an antidote from a month ago that I am still carrying around with me. I've only told my mom about this because it was a spectacular fail on his part and I didn't want anybody else to be as angry with him as I was.

    Last month I had to go to the eye doctor to get an exam so I could reorder contacts. I left work at 2:30 for a 3:00 appointment and didn't line up anybody to pick the girls up from the nanny (at 5:30) since I wasn't going to let the optometrist dilate my eyes. At 4:30 I was still in the chair and hadn't yet been seen by my doctor. I called Paul and asked him if he could swing my the doctor's office and switch cars to go pick up the girls for me. He responded that he was in the middle of his workout (which he does at home) and that he couldn't go. I explained again that I still hadn't been seen and needed to, please, get some help. He told me that I obviously planned poorly and was SOL. So I left the doctor's office (who charged me the $100 exam fee anyway) in tears and went to pick up my girls. I still haven't been back in because I'm too embarrassed to tell my boss that I didn't get seen on the day I was supposed to. Paul never even acknowledged any wrong-doing. I tried talking to him about how it 1)cost us money, 2)cost me time off work, and 3) went beyond the time it should have for reasons beyond my control. He still maintains that I should have planned better so that he wouldn't have to skip a workout.

    That story isn't about what a ******* he is (although he was...) but another example of his absolute unwillingness to bend on anything or to recognize when he does things that are hurtful. THAT is what I get upset about. The juice issue? Maybe I'll end up totally wrong about it- I was wrong about the hot dogs and am fine with it. The haircuts haven't been brought up by me again since I feel like it's already a done deal and don't want to fight. But the complete inability to treat me with understanding, respect, or compassion is what is landing us back in a counselor's office.
     
  13. Chrissy Nelson

    Chrissy Nelson Well-Known Member

    I am a HUGE control freak and my DH has learned to accept that. However I think the problem with your DH is the fact that you can say something and he will not discuss it.

    Parenting should be done by the both of you and I agree you need to work it out.
     
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  14. ECUBitzy

    ECUBitzy Well-Known Member

    These are the things I try to figure out. Yes, I make about 50% more than Paul. But his pay is state regulated, so it's not as if I've ever said that he needed to make more (he can't!). Some issues in the past have made sense to me within the context of him trying to be the best father he can and getting overwhelmed by how big of a deal parenting is. I think he feels an enormous sense of responsibility and that he worries about how to juggle all the balls we have in the air. He has never been as good at multitasking as I, instead he just gets upset. He also doesn't have a real outlet (besides home improvement stuff) because male friendships seem to change once guys become dads. When I've asked him if he needs time "off" or wants to go hang with the boys he tells me that I'm projecting. He won't let me help him.

    A counselor might be able to convince him to start analyzing the areas in his life that are overwhelming him, I hope.
     
  15. kingeomer

    kingeomer Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I agree with Aimee as well. I think it's good that you are calling the counseling center for an appointment. I would be very upset about the bathroom thing, that was not right what he did. As for the girls hair, I understand where you are coming from and if it was their first haircut, I can understand why you wanted to be there. But hair is hair and it will grow back. Is it possible that he felt like by doing it that he was helping you out (one less thing for you to have do when you are off work)? As for the juice, that should be a parenting decision that you both agree on.
    I think counseling would help him see where are coming from...sometimes having an insight to how each other thinks is an improvement in the relationship.
    Living with a stubborn person (or people, since I have three of them in my home, not counting me) is very difficult. I wish you and Paul all the best!
     
  16. rrodman

    rrodman Well-Known Member

    I think you both do need to talk to someone, but there is a flip side. He cut their hair and sent you a cute picture, and you flipped out. Be wants to give the girls some juice (not make it a staple of their diet), and you flipped out. The bathroom thing is weird, and maybe he's just being an a$$hat. But he has a POV here too. Which is that every parenting decision he makes or action he takes that doesn't check with you is wrong. He's not hurting them. It's a haircut or a box of juice. He needs to consider your POV, but you need to consider his and you need to be willing to compromise. Him seeing your POV can't be defined as him complying with your POV. I hope you guys work it out. To the extent possible, you need to let go of the mom guilt though.

    And I would have refused to pay if I sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half without being seen.
     
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  17. megkc03

    megkc03 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    A.) The hair would have bothered me, but that's me. I'm crazy sentimental in that way. But I agree with Rachael, that he did send you the picture, which was nice of him, and maybe he didn't think you would flip out. To rectify, I would take them to the salon and have it cut there. And, I have a good friend whose MIL did cut her daughter's hair...boy-oh-boy!

    B.) The juice doesn't bother me. My kids have been on a juice kick lately. I really limit it, and I water it down with water. So when dh gives it to the kids, I make sure to tell him to add water to it. Would that be a compromise? And I like having juice in the house in case one is sick and they won't drink anything else.

    C.) Bathroom-totally weird.

    D.) The Dr's office scenario would have totally p!ssed me off no end. There is no reason for that. You waiting 3 hours to be seen(or whatever it was), was totally out of your control. That is the Dr's fault, not yours. And the fact that he was at home, working out, and he still wouldn't do it-is wrong on so many levels-to me. I can understand somewhat if he was at work and couldn't do it-that's fine. But home and working out...not cool at all.

    As a side...I remember I came here in the FY or maybe the beginnings of the SY and I was sooooo furious! People may remember. My dh gave the kids pbj's for breakfast. I was so mad. TO ME, he was taking the easy way out of not having to make them a 'real' breakfast of pancakes or scrambled eggs and toast, etc. There was no thought put into it. And mind you, he fed them this while he let me sleep in. :FIFblush: But, after coming here, letting off steam, realizing that what he did wasn't harmful to the kids, I cooled down and realized it's his special time with them, and if he wanted to feed them pbj's...so be it. They loved it, and even now they think it's totally neat to have a pbj for breakfast(mind you, I was raised with being able to eat a sandwich for bkfast, as long as I was eating something).

    Parenting/Marriage is all about give and take. I definitely think a counselor will help you both see the issues at hand. You both need to sit down and talk about your expectations, and his expectations. I'm almost four years into this parenting thing, and I'm still learning that what dh does with the kids is ok. It may not be something I would have done, but he is their father too and has a say.

    Aimee really said it that dh is not valuing your opinion, and not taking you seriously. I hope the best for you and Paul. :hug:
     
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  18. ECUBitzy

    ECUBitzy Well-Known Member

    I just don't see that I flipped out or that every one of his parenting decisions is wrong. He didn't like them cosleeping and I never argued because it made him uncomfortable. His mother fed them fruit loops and he thought their reaction to sugar was cute, so I didn't even comment. Just because I come on here to unload to y'all doesn't mean I flipped on him. I just need some girlfriends who are not interacting with Paul (and potentially judging him) to vent to so that, when necessary, I can adjust my perspective and reactions or I can get some validation to my feelings. Paul has been right about many things, too, and I praise him when he makes a good call. I'm able to recognize what I should and shouldn't say to him, when to debate and when to relent, how to build him up to make him feel good. I don't feel like he does any of that for me. The true, underlying and biggest problem at the root of everything I'm venting is that I feel that he is dismissive with me.

    The office manager at the optometrist's said that if I can get back in within 45 days she'd apply it to my next appointment, less a $20 fee. I have one more week to get back in to take advantage of that. Sh*t happens at doctor's offices, I understand.
     
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  19. dtomecko

    dtomecko Well-Known Member

    For the hair cut, I definitely see where you're coming from and probably would have had the same reaction. Is it possible he thought he was doing something nice and was excited to show you, and then when you were upset about it he got defensive? And that's why he's not choosing to see your side about your hurt feelings and the milestone you missed out on, because maybe he is hurt too but doesn't vocalize it - instead he just closes off and gets stubborn and refuses to talk about it? Even though you both need to be involved in parenting decisions, I do think there are some things that the mom gets to decide - like first hair cuts when it comes to their little girls - when it should be done, how, and that you're entitled to freak out over a bad one. That's one thing my husband would just accept.

    Maybe the juice is just carrying over from the other incident? And he just wants to prove that he can call the shots too? I don't know. I'd be upset too that you have your reasons for wanting to keep something from them at such a young age. Especially since you have valid reasons that you listed, and his only reason is "why not?" if it's clearly a big deal to you, I would be upset if I wasn't taken seriously or my wishes weren't respected. But if it turns out to be a situation where you have to compromise, maybe you can say once a day (like in the morning) and half water half juice? I think I remember your girls were under 2? I don't see the need to push it either. And I'd be totally annoyed if this was something being pushed by the MIL - things were so different back then.

    As for the bathroom thing, I think that was completely rude, disrespectful and totally out of line. His "whatever I say goes" attitude is completely unacceptable, and the only thing I can think of is he's upset about everything else, and is just looking for a place to call the shots?

    I'm the same way when it comes to communicating - I'll hold things in because I don't want to cry or yell irrationally. My husband is very rational and a very logical debator (and he's a teacher too). When I'm upset and trying to say how I feel it always comes out sounding stupid, and a ridiculous reason to be upset over. When something is really eating away at me I usually have to write him a letter so I can say what I really want to say, and I usually feel better getting it out of my system. Counseling sounds like a good idea. I hope you guys can work through this and he can start treating you with more respect.

    Oh, I almost forgot about the eye doctor thing. That is just unfathomable. I don't know how I'd get over that without a huge falling out. I couldn't just swallow that and let it go. That's beyond stubborn. It's rude and inconsiderate and I couldn't imagine doing that to my spouse or him doing it to me. Did his father treat his mother like this? I'm just trying to figure out where this would come from, and how he would think it's ok. If that's the case, maybe he really doesn't see anything wrong with it (if you're not letting him know how hurt you are by it), because that's all he knows?
     
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  20. ECUBitzy

    ECUBitzy Well-Known Member

    One of the most important things that I took away from our first go-round with counseling is that Paul and I communicate very differently. He processes things differently than I do and we really did learn how to better deal with one-another. I don't know the answers to any of your questions (and they're good questions that I should definitely work on addressing) but I hope to.
     
  21. Rollergiraffe

    Rollergiraffe Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    It's not the actions themselves, but the dismissive attitude, right? You could get over the haircut and the juice and the everything if he could just show a little understanding and compassion and be willing to discuss? I have a stubborn husband too, and when he stops engaging me in decisions it makes me want to dig my heels in on everything, so everything becomes a battle. know how hard that is when you feel like you're in a constant battle. It's exhausting and you never really address the real issues in your marriage. I hope the counseling works out for you guys; I think the fact that you've been there before and you recognized that you need a little bit of a tune up bodes well. Having kids puts so much pressure on a marriage; vent away and take action to solve the problem.

    A good conversation to have (and we continue to have this one all the time) is what you're excited about with the kids and what you want to be there for. But it's also important that he take that seriously and understand that even if it's not a big deal to him, it's a big deal to you. It only took my husband 11 years to learn that, so good luck!

    :grouphug: Husbands suck sometimes.
     
  22. cheezewhiz24

    cheezewhiz24 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    As to the eye doctor episode- I have the best luck when I remind DH that we are on the same team. It's us (parents) v. them (kids). It's like it speaks his language and instantly he's not as antagonistic to whatever needs to be done (in this case picking up the girls).
     
  23. ECUBitzy

    ECUBitzy Well-Known Member

    Yes, that's it. I'm confident that we can work through it, it's just a crummy process. We tend to get so caught up in daily life and trying not to be negative when things are not so good that sometimes the yuckiness just festers and turns into a huge blow up. That's where we are right now.

    That's a technique that I could see working with Paul. He really does look for an ally and he might get this.
     
  24. momofangels

    momofangels Well-Known Member

    Correct me if I'm wrong -- there's a WHOLE lot going on here more than just haircuts, juice and bathroom times? I think you're hitting the nail RIGHT on the head when you say that you feel that what he's implying by his actions, things that are so critical of you (you think) that you can't fathom why he'd do that. Maybe they aren't as critical of you as you think. I think he very probably was in la-la/guy land about the haircuts -- he probably had NO idea it was important to you, or he didn't remember that it was an issue enough for you to have a nightmare about. About the juice -- OK, I'd confront him. You guys talked about this, and even if he didn't agree with you on it, you don't need to have this passive-aggressive stuff going on while you're working and worrying about what's going on at home. Again, maybe he just saw a good sale on juice and forgot your talk.

    Oh? The eye doctor thing and the bathroom thing -- If DH did that to me,I'd want to let him have it! I'd probably get so mad about it, I'd cry, and that's the WORST thing I can do during a fight.

    My DH is the KING of Passive-aggressive, but there are some times that I think he's "saying" something with his actions when he's not. (I almost typed, "he's completely silent with his actions", but that seems weird.) He has this habit of doing the laundry differently than I do it, and I used to have FITS about him doing the wrong stuff together in the wrong temperature, ruining new clothes, or piling stuff in baskets right out of the dryer until they were wrinkled and I had to wash them again, etc. I thought it was his way of telling me to DO THE LAUNDRY. NOW.

    It wasn't -- it was just him, doing the laundry, the best way he knew (which was terrible, but I blame his mom for not teaching him how to read clothing labels and doing too much scut-work for him!!!)

    You said it so perfectly -- you and your husband communicate differently, process things differently.. (Think "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars." Or is the other way around?) Maybe a third person is what you need right now, just to arbitrate a little, and to help you learn how to compromise. You can (and have) so maybe it's just that you're both backed into a (mental) corner over this issue and you need help in getting out of it?
     
  25. Oneplus2more

    Oneplus2more Well-Known Member


    OMG, if DH was at home working out while the girls were in daycare, and told me the bolded above - then yes, I would have totally flipped out on him. That, is the worst of all the examples, IMO, and reason enough to go back to counseling.

    I'd not like the haircut thing, but mostly be upset that he did such a poor job. I would see about having someone fix it, if they can.

    Juice - I agree with you, FWIW. When my oldest was a 1 yr old, it was a never ending battle with my mom, MIL & DH. Pour half of the bottle of juice in a pitcher, fill both up with water. When the girls get a cup of juice, add more water - and an ice cube. :)

    Sounds like you two need a morning bathroom schedule. Write it down and tape it to the bathroom wall. Has your schedule changed for the summer too or were you in the bathroom at your regular time? I'd be totally pissed about what happened this morning. Both the attitude and the physically pushing you out of the bathroom. WTH? That's what my brother used to do to us when he was 12. That is not the way an adult treats their spouse.

    I wonder what is going on with your DH. Do you think it's possible that his behavior this morning was his way of saying that his job of SAHP is just as important as yours? I also wonder if the workout thing was him thinking how he would have the girls all summer and not have daytime workouts while the girls were in daycare? (1 - assuming that is the case and 2 - still doesn't justify it) A lot of changes at your house for the summer, so I think sitting down and talking about it is a good idea, and sounds like a third person facilitating that is too.
     
  26. twin_trip_mommy

    twin_trip_mommy Well-Known Member

    seems there is a lack of respect in the relationship on both sides. I wonder if these discussions you have both had were really discussions or were they you saying what you want to happen with him "yes dear"ing you to prevent conflict. I am also wondering if he knows that you will not budge in your opinion so he is just going to make the decision on his own for some things and close off or ignore your complaints. You have shared in the past that your DH is in strong agreement with you concerning fairly liberal themes, paraphrasing That is fine if it is really what is happening but with what you are sharing here it makes me think he is not in agreement with you on as many things as you might have thought. Going in for some marriage counseling might be a good idea. I hope you guys can work this out and get back on the right track
     
  27. Oneplus2more

    Oneplus2more Well-Known Member

    Stephanie, reading through all your posts, I'm wondering if you are feeling more Mommy guilt now than you do during the school year? I could be reading it wrong, but that is the impression I got. If so, you're probably just jealous of your DH being with the girls all day in the summer, but I wonder if it comes accross to him as being critical of his parenting - as in you are more comfortable with them being in daycare. (?) Also, I'm wondering how much time he routinely had at home alone between school and you & the kids getting home. He may be "mourning" that a ittle and feeling like he can't share that with you because of your Mommy guilt. (a lot of assumptions, I know). Also, keep in mind, your schedule is the same year round, his summer life is very different than his school year life. Maybe he is feeling out of sorts with all the adjustments in his life right now.
     
    1 person likes this.
  28. ECUBitzy

    ECUBitzy Well-Known Member

    Thanks, everybody. I was going to wait until later tonight to talk to Paul but when I got home he was upset by how rough the day was and how jacked the girls' schedule seemed. It segued nicely into wake time/meals/nap/bed which allowed me to address the bathroom ridiculousness. He did stand me down for a bit but eventually relented to give me from 7-7:30 uninterrupted in the bathroom.

    He acted caught totally off guard by me wanting a counseling appointment. I mentioned that maybe some of what I was feeling was a result of mommy guilt and he did admit that he feels overwhelmed, too. Again, this sounds like progress to me, so I'm encouraged.

    The first time we went it wasn't as if some answer magically revealed itself to me on how to stay happily married. We just left happier, so I hope that's the case again.

    I've given the impression that Paul and I are somehow liberal in a parenting philosophy? Nobody has ever thought that of me before- actually quite the opposite- what did I say to give you that impression?
     
  29. lovelylily

    lovelylily Well-Known Member

    That sounds positive! Good for you :)

    One thing that struck me about your initial post is that all the issues seem minor. Don't get me wrong, I understand why they are a big deal to you, those are big deals to me too, but it's not like you're disagreeing about where they should go to school or what they should be taught regarding religion. When my husband and I find ourselves bickering about small things, there's usually an underlying issue that doesn't even necessarily have to do with us as a couple. It could be something we're struggling with personally and the stress works its way out in little fights or hurt feelings.

    I really like what the PP said about being on the same team. It's so true! Sometimes just changing a little bit of perspective helps the communication fall into place, which helps needs get met, which helps everything run smoothly. Hope you guys are on the right track soon!
     
  30. AmynTony

    AmynTony Well-Known Member

    what really bothered me was the crap about not picking the girls up because he was working out at home and it was poor planning on YOUR part - to me that screams a superior attitude and that his life is more important than yours - which is not fair...they are his kids too and sometimes kids can be inconvenient to our own schedules - but that's part of parenting!
     
    4 people like this.
  31. rrodman

    rrodman Well-Known Member

    Yeah, the doctor office thing would not result in therapy for me. I would just flat out not be married to someone who treated me like that. I get more angry the more I think about it.
     
  32. momofangels

    momofangels Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad that you guys started toward a compromise! You sound just like DH and me -- we have to work on communicating constantly.
    I saw a book in the library called ,"The Art of Marriage" and almost checked it out b/c I think EVERY marriage can benefit from learning how to communicate!
    Sometimes -- and I know this is hard, with young kids, and busy schedules, and the economy -- but sometimes I just like to sit and talk for a bit, and remember that we were good friends b4 we got married, and see the things in him that I liked so much when I first met him. It's kind of comfortable and exciting simultaneously -- like I have this good thing all too myself AND I get to have our kids. I know that sounds gushing, but sometimes I get so caught up in the hassles of everyday, that I'm surprised by how much FUN he is to be around! (Before he became an old married man, who worries about money all the time.)
    Anyways, enjoy each other! you sound like a neat couple.
     
  33. JoellePotter

    JoellePotter Well-Known Member

    There's so much to read and I've only read a part, so forgive me for any repetition.

    I REALLY wish you could meet Brandon. He is beyond the biggest jerk I have ever met and he "knows" everything. And yes, this is the man I married and I knew how he was long before I married him. He's really hardly ever a jerk to me and even when he is, it's not intentional and always comes with an apology.

    1.) Hair- it would have bothered me, but I don't see it as him meaning to be hurtful. I think the picture message itself is kind of proof he was just trying to do something right. He obviously didn't think it all the way through though. I can definitely see how it hurt you though. And even if it were unintentional/not a well thought out idea he could have apologized for not thinking of how it might hurt you. You could of then apologized for "snapping," but ultimately he'd need to understand WHY you did.

    2.) Juice- I'm not against juice at all and I can see where he comes from. My boys get juice through out the day, but their sippy is like 95% with a 5% splash of juice, just enough to flavor it a bit. If I weren't home and Brandon were to give them juice it'd be 100% juice. I've told him once or twice that I water it down because they just don't need that much sugar, plus I have horrible teeth problems so I'm hoping limiting it will help them. It's not worth an argument to me though because he's hardly ever alone with them lol. I figure heck if he'll get up and get them something to drink, it can be 100% if I can just relax for 2 minutes.

    3.) Bathroom thing- he's crazy. Just my opinion. My boys have a pretty good schedule, but I am no Nazi when it comes to it. They typically wake up between 8 & 9am, nap from 12-4 (whether it between 12-2..12-3..1-4, etc but sometime within then. They're always put down by 1, but if they're cranky before they go down before) then bedtime at 7 and usually asleep by 8 (thanks toddler beds). If they want to sleep in, they can sleep in. There aren't many of those days, but I'll take them whenever we can. This morning I woke up at 9:45am and thought "what the heck? the boys aren't up?" No way would I complain. So I don't see why he needed to kick you out of the bathroom and rush to get them up. Maybe he needs to realize to take his few free moments while he can.

    4.) Eye doctor thing... ok yes that's when I would have had a total b*tch moment. I don't care if he was at the gym or at home working out, his butt should have went and got them. What he was doing wasn't costing/losing money, yours was. Can't he see just the value in that? Not to mention how he looked to you when he wasn't willing to help you at all. How the hell would he feel if he had an appointment (pto or some crap) and he was supposed to pick up the girls but some parent wouldn't stop talking and you told him you were too busy painting your nails or some bs.


    Counseling can do wonders. Just remember that no matter how differently you communicate you all need to find a way that really works for you. Brandon & I definitely don't speak the same language, well besides he's a douche and I'm a b*tch, but I'm an emotional person and he has some BAD attitudes (my boys have his bad attitude too). Sometimes both of our attitudes get in the way, but some how some way we always figure it out.
     
  34. Anneke

    Anneke Well-Known Member

    I am glad the two of you are making progress. For what it's worth, I can totally relate to what you are saying. We are in the same situation, to the point of me sometimes considering a divorce. Having children, especially two at a time, causes a lot of stress in a relationship. I sometimes blame my husband for not respecting me and what I do, but I guess he is really trying to find his place in our new life and the responsibilities that go with it. We have lots of discussions about what his share in taking care of the kids should be. I often have to remind him that no-his life will never again be what it was before, but at the same time it is so much more beautiful and rich in so many different respects and yes-I am still the same woman I always was. I am still his lover, his buddy, his wife. What always helps us is to do the things we enjoyed before we had children. Small stuff really: drinking a glass of wine and renting a movie. That's easier said than done of course with our busy schedules and sleep-deprived minds, but it is always worth it. We both need to remind ourselves to be 'nice' to each other. We mean well. We're both overwhelmed at times.

    Good luck getting through this difficult time together. You'll get out so much stronger.
     
  35. Kessedi

    Kessedi Well-Known Member

    Hi everybody. I think that many will agree with me that now there are absolutely no problems to find the perfect match with a partner on various dating sites, since they provide really wide opportunities for finding love. I especially liked this wonderful pof dating reviews, which I think is known to many people, so there is no reason to get very upset even if your real relationship has problems.
     
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