Spanking

Discussion in 'The Toddler Years(1-3)' started by j_and_j_twins, Dec 2, 2006.

  1. melissao

    melissao Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to remind everyone that personally directed comments are against the Twinstuff TOS:

    quote:
    Because of the diversity of our community, posted messages must also not belittle the beliefs of other users, either personally directed towards another user or in a general nature. We ask that you use consideration for the feelings, experiences, situations and even national, cultural, religious and ethnic differences of the other members of this community before posting comments that may be considered offensive to others who may not share your views.




    Let's try to share our opinions without attacking others!

    Thanks [​IMG]
     
  2. Marieber

    Marieber Well-Known Member

    quote:
    Originally posted by 2for1:
    Has anyone other than me noticed a difference in kids today compared to kids, say, 15-20 years ago? Teen pregnancy is at it's highest rate ever, church attendance is down, voter registration is down, meth labs are popping up EVERYWHERE all over the U.S. in very high numbers, teens are wearing their pants around their ankles, with their underwear showing, girls couldn't dress in tighter clothes if they painted them on, etc., etc., etc.


    I'm taking it you are too young to remember the seventies?

    I'll look at the stats, but I also think teen pregnancy is lower than it has been in the last 25 years...
     
  3. mom_stacyX2

    mom_stacyX2 Well-Known Member

    I have smacked (lightly) my DD hand for grabbing at the tv buttons.

    I was not spanked (that I can remember). I was terrified of my parents and was afraid of a spanking, tho. My mom used to do this thing onthe back of my arm, kinda like a twisting thing in public. I knew to leave alone whatever I was doing. I was extremely well behaved. My parents had alot more trouble with my brother and sister (both younger) because they were alot more easy on them.

    I really don't want to get into this discussion. but I am just curious for those who don't spank. What are these other forms of disipline? Besides, the time out? And taking away things? These things never worked for neither my brother or sister. So what else?

    I also think that it is a shame of how much kids get away with nowadays. Every night ont he news, I see someone getting shot or getting into an accident for running from the police (and it turned out they were unarmed). WHo cares if they were unarmed they were running from the cops. It starts somewhere. There has to be effective consequeses to EVERY action. Because I spank my child, will they hit their brother/sister. Probably, but all kids hit each other. Whether the parents spank or not. Will they hit each other because of that, I hope not. But they NEED to know the difference of their ELDERS. They need to know someone is in control. If you let your kids pick their punishment, you are no longer in control.

    JMO
     
  4. ads3046

    ads3046 Well-Known Member

    quote:
    But they NEED to know the difference of their ELDERS. They need to know someone is in control. If you let your kids pick their punishment, you are no longer in control.


    Amen sister!
     
  5. Cake

    Cake Well-Known Member

    I can assure you that my kids know who is in control here. I find natural consequences (i.e. losing your TV priveledges because you pushed the button one too many times) to be very effective. It may take 25% longer for it to sink in but I think it has more staying power than thinking someone is going to hit you for it. Hitting is normally unrelated to the crime but if you are hitting for hitting, how is that sending the message that hitting is wrong?
     
  6. 2IrishBlessings

    2IrishBlessings Well-Known Member

    quote:
    They need to know someone is in control. If you let your kids pick their punishment, you are no longer in control



    I completely agree.
     
  7. mom_stacyX2

    mom_stacyX2 Well-Known Member

    quote:
    Originally posted by Cake:
    Hitting is normally unrelated to the crime but if you are hitting for hitting, how is that sending the message that hitting is wrong?


    Hitting and spanking are two different things.
    To hit in frustration or in anger is wrong. And I will teach my children that.
    To spank in love has nothing to do with frustration or anger. It has to do with giving children reprocusions.

    For every action, there is a reaction. That is a huge lesson every kid needs to learn.

    Just for my inquiry, when your child loses "his/her" tv privledges, does that mean it is turned off completely for the whole household. Or can they watch what another child/or you is watching? Do you send them to their room, where all their toys are? Truely, this is just to better understand what other punishments everyone is talking about.
     
  8. Amanda

    Amanda Well-Known Member

    Surely people don't give time-outs in the middle of a playroom?
    People keep commenting on that, asking if time out is in a room of toys. . . .
    Depending on where we are can affect where time out is. But I have given time out in the playroom, I do it in a corner or area where there are no toys, and my children take it so seriously that they do not get up and go get one or anything. They sit where I put them and barely turn their head to look around as time outs are treaed very seriously here. Being in that room can work, I know this because my kids protest as much in there as they do anywhere else.
    I am assuming almost everyone doesn't actually put their kids in time out in a toy box or in the middle of their toys. . . that's not even rational to me.

    This topic comes up a few times/year at least and it's very volatile everytime because no Mommy or Daddy wants to think that they're being criticized for their choices.
    I'm sure everyone here loves their children and does what's right for them and their family even if others don't agree.
    It's what makes us individual, right?
     
  9. Cake

    Cake Well-Known Member

    I don’t see the distinction between hitting out of frustration and spanking. If timeouts and loss of privileges don’t work in your eyes, aren’t you just spanking out of frustration?

    And yes, if the TV is turned off because of one offender, everyone suffers the consequences. Play Doh or coloring for a while is not the end of the world and there is nothing wrong with a little peer pressure to keep behavior on track in the future. [​IMG]
     
  10. mom_stacyX2

    mom_stacyX2 Well-Known Member

    quote:
    Originally posted by Cake:
    I don’t see the distinction between hitting out of frustration and spanking. If timeouts and loss of privileges don’t work in your eyes, aren’t you just spanking out of frustration?

    And yes, if the TV is turned off because of one offender, everyone suffers the consequences. Play Doh or coloring for a while is not the end of the world and there is nothing wrong with a little peer pressure to keep behavior on track in the future. [​IMG]


    First off, I love ya baby [​IMG] I'm just trying to see the other side.

    Why is my spanking out of frustration? I would not spank to hurt my child. It is merely a consequence.
    I'm not saying timeouts and loss of priviliges don't work or won't work (we aren't at that point yet) but what if it doesn't?
    If Play Doh and coloring are what they are doing during their "punishment" what have they learned?
    I believe there is a bigger risk of hurting a childs self-esteem, putting the peer-pressure on them. In fact, I hope my kids NEVER give into peer pressure. JMO.
     
  11. Cake

    Cake Well-Known Member

    quote:
    Originally posted by mom_stacyX2:
    Why is my spanking out of frustration? I would not spank to hurt my child. It is merely a consequence.
    I'm not saying timeouts and loss of priviliges don't work or won't work (we aren't at that point yet) but what if it doesn't?
    If Play Doh and coloring are what they are doing during their "punishment" what have they learned?
    I believe there is a bigger risk of hurting a childs self-esteem, putting the peer-pressure on them. In fact, I hope my kids NEVER give into peer pressure. JMO.


    I know that natural consequences works eventually. It may take a little longer but I think it sends a better and more lasting message than physical pain. If you are spanking as a last resort, that is out of frustration no matter how you look at it. We’ve all been to that place of frustration, I’m assuming.

    The offender does not always get to take part in the fun activities that the victims of the crime get to do. And I see peer pressure for family rules as a totally different thing than acting or dressing a certain way based on the peer pressure of people outside our home. Right now I’m dealing with a 3.5 year old and 20 month old twins but it’s working so far. I’ll let you know when we go to Plan B. [​IMG]
     
  12. Jersey_Girls

    Jersey_Girls Well-Known Member

    quote:
    Originally posted by Cake:
    [I know that natural consequences works eventually. It may take a little longer but I think it sends a better and more lasting message than physical pain.


    I think something to keep in mind:

    Spanking does not always cause physical pain-I know this from being spanked myself as a child. Often times it is an "attention getter" when a child is ignoring your voice and you need to quickly stop them from grabbing a hot pan, running in the street or biting their sister really hard (yes, I did that!). As I got older a spanking meant being embarassed in front of your siblings or friends- so, the fear of humiliation from a spanking was what kept me in check- not the fear of pain.
     
  13. KYsweetheart

    KYsweetheart Well-Known Member

    quote:
    Spanking does not always cause physical pain-I know this from being spanked myself as a child. Often times it is an "attention getter" when a child is ignoring your voice and you need to quickly stop them from grabbing a hot pan, running in the street or biting their sister really hard (yes, I did that!). As I got older a spanking meant being embarassed in front of your siblings or friends- so, the fear of humiliation from a spanking was what kept me in check- not the fear of pain.


    Excellent point. I agree.

    I got spankings as a child, and I was more worried about the embarrasment as well.
     
  14. Snittens

    Snittens Well-Known Member

    OK, if spankings don't hurt (I personally remember them hurting at times) then why is it a punishment? I honestly just don't "get" spanking. I don't think it is needed for the children to know that the parents are in control. I don't want my children to fear me either. Now to be fair, I am not even at discipline yet. Right now we are still working on what "no" means, and I use redirection when I want them to stop doing something.

    I am not going to send them to their room either. That was always pointless when my parents did it. I plan on doing a "naughty spot" or time-out chair. It's also supposed to be only one minute per the child's age. I also feel a loss of priveleges is much more effective than spanking. I don't see where in this the child is picking the punishment, not sure where that came up.
     
  15. kerilynh

    kerilynh Well-Known Member

    My mother told me that she smacked my butt quite a few times as a child and I don't remember it at all. I do spank my children on their bottoms and their hands. Telling them no does not work, they continue to do whatever it is they are getting told no for. Spanking on the other hand, they know that what they are doing is wrong and they will get in trouble for it if they continue to do it. To each his own, i believe. My kids are too young for time out and tapping them on the bottom or the hand seems to be the only effective form of discipline for my children for now. Once they understand what no means and they can be put in timeout, then I most likely will not spank them.

    Keri
     
  16. Snittens

    Snittens Well-Known Member

    quote:
    Originally posted by kerilynh:
    Telling them no does not work, they continue to do whatever it is they are getting told no for.




    I'm not trying to tell you what to do or anything, but honestly, your kids (and mine too) are just too young to really understand what "no" means. Mine are just starting to get it, but aren't consistent yet. Redirection works a whole lot better. If they are hitting, separate them and say no don't hit. If they are touching something they shouldn't, take it away and say no. Distract them with something else. It's all you can do right now. I don't think they even understand why they are being spanked, all they know is they got hit, not why.
     
  17. Cake

    Cake Well-Known Member

    quote:
    Originally posted by Jersey_Girls:
    As I got older a spanking meant being embarassed in front of your siblings or friends- so, the fear of humiliation from a spanking was what kept me in check- not the fear of pain.


    I don’t humiliate or embarrass my children into behaving either.
     
  18. heathernd

    heathernd Well-Known Member

    For those of you who don't believe in spanking now...call me when they are 5-years old [​IMG] Don't shoot me. Just kidding. I had to try and lighten up the mood a little. [​IMG]
     
  19. Dianne

    Dianne Well-Known Member

    PT me with your phone number [​IMG]!
     
  20. stephabeanie

    stephabeanie Well-Known Member

    i don't chime in too often, but i am offering these words from my experience... i am a "spanker" on occasion, and i was spanked.

    if a parent yells all the time, their voice loses its effectiveness. if a parent keeps a steady tone, only raising their voice when attention is needed quickly, most likely they will be heard and responded to.

    if a parent spanks all the time, the spanking loses its effectiveness. if a parent stays in control, and only uses spanking when a child's action is dangerous or completely unacceptable, it is likely that the spank will have the desired effect without any further action.

    clearly there is a difference between beating a child and spanking a child. spanking out of frustration is not wise, just as yelling out of frustration is not wise.

    choose the times when you use these "tools" wisely, and their effectiveness will remain.
     
  21. a1cbrandy

    a1cbrandy Well-Known Member

    quote:
    Originally posted by 2for1:
    Has anyone other than me noticed a difference in kids today compared to kids, say, 15-20 years ago? Teen pregnancy is at it's highest rate ever, church attendance is down, voter registration is down, meth labs are popping up EVERYWHERE all over the U.S. in very high numbers, teens are wearing their pants around their ankles, with their underwear showing, girls couldn't dress in tighter clothes if they painted them on, etc., etc., etc. Now...think about what has changed in this time period. The disciplining on the parents' part. Parents do still spank, but too many parents are trying to be FRIENDS with their children rather than their gaurdians, IMO. Spanking was taken out of schools, now they're trying to take God out of our Pledge of Allegiance, for Pete's sake. And, we wonder why kids have no discipline. They aren't taught discipline or respect for their elders like they used to be. I used to be a teacher before my boys were born, and I was amazed at the very thing I'm talking about. Kids, in general, have no fear these days.


    VERY True and good points. Of course people will disagree..but this is so so true. [​IMG]


    Brandy
     
  22. a1cbrandy

    a1cbrandy Well-Known Member

    I spank when it is needed. It works for us..my girls dont want their butts spanked..so they know they better behave. Today we went out..I sat Faith down..told her if she throw a temper tantrum again like she did before..she would get a spanking when we got home. She kept telling me while we were out.."I am being a good girl, cause I dont want you to spank my butt." it worked for me..its the only thing that has worked so far for us.

    I also use time out in their room..ALONE from others and things. I use "taking things away" and I use rewards for good behavior. What ever works for your family..is the best thing. My punishments work for my family and my kids so far. When they are older..maybe something else will work. But all 3 of my kids have been spanked on their butts for something at least once. Most of the time it is for something they are doing that is dangerous. I would rather their butts hurt then them get ran over by a car...

    Just my opinion anyways...[​IMG]

    Brandy
     
  23. BettiePage

    BettiePage Well-Known Member

    I guess I am just at a loss to understand why some people think there is absolutely no way to convey to a child that that adults are "in charge" without resorting to physical pain and/or humiliation. I also don't understand how spanking prevents a child from being in a dangerous situation -- if you child is about to run into the street, by all means I understand how grabbing her by the arm and physically preventing her from doing so keeps her safe. I just don't understand how adding a spanking is also a necessity for keeping her safe in that moment.

    To me, spanking just doesn't make sense. I don't understand how a parent can rationalize intentionally causing physical pain or humiliation to their child. And I really, really don't understand how it's done "with love." I am sorry, it just doesn't make sense to me in my framework of how human behavior works. It just seems to me that the lessons you are conveying are: 1) physical violence is OK when it is being used as a punishment (does that mean it's OK for them to hit their sibling when she takes a toy away?), 2) it's OK for parents to hit, but not kids (or there are different rules of acceptable treatment of other people for parents and kids), and 3) behave because you are afraid of getting a spanking (as opposed to behaving because you understand WHY people should act a certain way and WANTING treat other people with respect).

    Like Cake said, maybe using natural consequences as discipline strategies takes more time to sink in and is more difficult for the parents and other family members in the short term, but to me it seems that it's a more effective tool for crafting well-rounded individuals in the long run.
     
  24. 2IrishBlessings

    2IrishBlessings Well-Known Member

    quote:
    but to me it seems that it's a more effective tool for crafting well-rounded individuals in the long run



    I believe that I am a pretty well-rounded person and I was spanked as a child. Like its been said before we each have our own ideas or ways on how to raise our children. I dont think it should be said that if your spank or dont spank then one way is better than the other and will result in better children.
     
  25. a1cbrandy

    a1cbrandy Well-Known Member

    I was spanked as a child...No I dont go around hitting other people. I dont hit my husband..I dont even hit my children. I spank them. I spank their butts with my hand..on their bottom with clothes on. For me it works. I dont care who judges me for being a mother that is the boss in this relasionship. I hope it teaches them that I know what I am saying..and I love them enough to keep them out of danger. I hope it shows them they can respect me..trust me..and know that I am the most important person in their life. Hmm..kind of like the respect I have for my parents..who spanked me. I respect my parents more now then ever before..because I have kids who dont listen to me all the time.

    i dont judge you for not spanking your children. I comend you on finding what works for you. I think it is great you can use other techniques. So why judge us that do spank? Its not your kids we are spanking..its ours...

    Brandy
     
  26. 2IrishBlessings

    2IrishBlessings Well-Known Member

    Thanks Brandy.. Ditto for me too. Thanks for getting the words out for me!!
     
  27. homewithmy3

    homewithmy3 Well-Known Member

    quote:
    Originally posted by mom_stacyX2:

    I really don't want to get into this discussion. but I am just curious for those who don't spank. What are these other forms of disipline? Besides, the time out? And taking away things? These things never worked for neither my brother or sister. So what else?
    JMO



    I dont spank. I have my twin girls(3yrs old) and my 6yr old son. I take things away. I dont just choose a toy they have. I choose a toy that they value. We adults have things we value. Things that are important to us. So do children. If one of my kids misbehave their favorite toy will be put in JAIL. The jail is in my closet. Whoever puts that toy in jail is the only one that can take it out. If I say it is going to be in jail for a day then it will be in jail for the day. Personally for us I found taking things away and putting them in "jail" work better then time out. I think that the most important thing with disapline is being consistent. Do what you say your going to do. Let your NO mean NO and your YES mean YES. Children have to know the consequesnecs of their actions. If they get away with it one time they will think they can get away with it again. I think that is when timeouts and taking things away dont work(when parents are not consistent). I dont have to do timeouts or take things away from them very often cause they know that when I say that their doll or dinasaur will be gone in jail that I am serious. Their have been occassions in the past that I have actually thrown away a toy. I had to throw it away. My son was doing somthing that I had asked him repeatedly NOT to do. I told him if he did it again I was going to throw his dinasaur away. Sure enough he did I got his dinasaur and threw it in the garbage. I made sure he saw me. This happened when he was like 4yrs old. I have not had to do that again. I think that whatever disapline a family chooses that the most important thing is to be consistent. You can have all the knowledge in the world about disapline but if you dont stay consistent with it its not going to do you or your child any good.

    I wanted to add that I get complements all the time about how well behaved my kids are. I take them out to eat often by myself, grocery shopping, errands. Just this morning I went to Weight Watchers and took my twin girls and people told me how well behaved they were during the meeting. That was a proud mama moment.

    Cherie
    ramzie
    malena & sofia
    chalo
    oscar
     
  28. Cake

    Cake Well-Known Member

    quote:
    Originally posted by BettiePage:
    3) behave because you are afraid of getting a spanking (as opposed to behaving because you understand WHY people should act a certain way and WANTING treat other people with respect).


    If my husband spanked me for not having dinner on the table at a certain time I would eventually do it out of fear but I can’t say it would teach me to trust or value him. On the other hand, if he used natural consequences such as stopping off for dinner by himself I would find myself wanting to have a meal ready so that he would spend more time with us.

    That is a hypothetical though because he gave up on dinner a long time ago. [​IMG]
     
  29. Mellizos

    Mellizos Well-Known Member

    quote:
    I am not going to send them to their room either. That was always pointless when my parents did it.


    I always thought it was pointless also, because I remember just rolling my eyes at my parents (behind their backs, of course!) when I was sent to my room. But now that I have 3 year olds, sending them to their room, away from the fun and toys, is severe punshiment. We reserve it for when they are throwing a tantrum. They go to their room where they get no attention what-so-ever for their outburst. It works like magic. A few weeks ago, Jacob even emerged from their room and announced: JJ all done grumpy. [​IMG]

    And I admit that I spanked both of them yesterday...and I'm not a spanker. They refused to get in their carseats when I picked them up from preschool. I tried to reason with them. I tried to physically overpower them and strap them in while they threw a fit. I tried a time out, right there on the side of the road. All the while, my tushy was hanging out of the car, on a very busy street, while cars zoomed by at probably 35 miles an hour. A swift pop on the rump, and they both were stunned and started listening. I got them both strapped in. All the way home, they talked my ear off.
    No dink 'round. Sit down. Maybe cars hurt Mommy.

    I didn't like resorting to popping them, but nothing else worked in a potentially dangerous situation. I would like NOT to repeat the situation. Any ideas for the future? (I'm not being sarcastic...I really would like some ideas).
     
  30. Cake

    Cake Well-Known Member

    quote:
    Originally posted by Mellizos:
    I didn't like resorting to popping them, but nothing else worked in a potentially dangerous situation. I would like NOT to repeat the situation. Any ideas for the future? (I'm not being sarcastic...I really would like some ideas).


    Do know why they didn’t want to leave? I think they are old enough to understand a loss of privileges when they get home. Would not watching their favorite evening show be effective? It would probably make your life miserable for a day or two but soon they would get the idea that it’s not worth the hassle if they have to pay the price later.

    Is anyone doing the marble jar? I just started something like that with DD and it really seems to help motivate her and think long term about her actions.
     
  31. a1cbrandy

    a1cbrandy Well-Known Member

    I think people who dont spank are confused at how spanking is used and why. I do everything before I spank. I take things away..I put in time out..I use talkings..rewards is doing something good. I dont just use spankings. I use spankings when nothing else works. I also use spankings as a threat..yes. But doesnt everyone use those? If you dont behave you get your toy taken away..that is a threat. If you dont behave and I have tried everything else..you will get two swats on your butt. It works for my family and I will continue using it..as long as it works. I am glad I dont have to judge other people for NOT using spankings..It is what works for your family.

    Brandy
     
  32. Cake

    Cake Well-Known Member

    I’m not confused about spanking but, aside from the message it sends, I don’t see the life long lesson in it. As an adult, you could have someone arrested for putting their hands on you but you’ll face the natural consequences of your actions until the day you die.
     
  33. a1cbrandy

    a1cbrandy Well-Known Member

    Like I said..my parents spanked me. I know right from wrong..and am very happy with my parents form of punishment. Its not like I am going around hitting people or anything...it works for some..and not for others.

    Brandy
     
  34. nessas3girlsandtwinboys

    nessas3girlsandtwinboys Well-Known Member

    question:

    Anyone that was spanked growing up..did you go around smacking people because you were spanked? [​IMG]
    wouldn't hitting someone get you another spanking? lol

    anyone else tell their kids "I'm going to beat you!" I do that all the time, of course to me the term beating is just a replacement word for me for the word spanking..except for I'm not giving my kids a beat down. Maybe it's a southern term? maybe not? I don't beat my kids though..I just use the term.
     
  35. 2for1

    2for1 Well-Known Member

     
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