Spanking

I feel very strongly against spanking, but would be interested in others opinions, either for or against.

Do parents still really spank their children nowdays. With all the research saying spanking doesn't work and how it affects children, self esteem etc...

I just wonder as I see quite a few postings on here regarding spanking their children even one year olds.



amanda (jorja and jessica 3)

 

I feel very strongly against spanking, but would be interested in others opinions, either for or against.

Do parents still really spank their children nowdays. With all the research saying spanking doesn't work and how it affects children, self esteem etc...

I just wonder as I see quite a few postings on here regarding spanking their children even one year olds.



amanda (jorja and jessica 3)

 

I did not vote, since mine are still young and we have not been put in a situation where spanking would even be considered.

BUT...I do not have a problem with it. My DH and I were both spanked, our neices and nephews have been spanked. Used sporadically, I think it can be an effective discipline tool. I think it takes a lot more than a spank to damage a child's self-esteem.

 

I would find it pretty hard for them to understand when I tell them not to hit each other, if it was OK for me to hit them. That is why I will never spank them. I honestly don't think there is a perfect way to discipline. We use time-outs, and often the threat of "do you want to go sit in the other room by yourself?" will work but not always. I think taking away stuff like TV, the phone, etc really works when they are much older, but for now I just know that there are to be difficult moments with 2 1/2 year old twins.

 

quote:
Originally posted by twoin2005:

BUT...I do not have a problem with it. My DH and I were both spanked, our neices and nephews have been spanked. Used sporadically, I think it can be an effective discipline tool. I think it takes a lot more than a spank to damage a child's self-esteem.


I agree and, Yes, I spank when needed. We usually pull out that tool only when we have to and it isn't often. I never felt that if I spanked my child, he/she would be confused about hitting his/her sibling. I know they think, "I better not because I'll get in trouble." My butt was spanked many times as a kid, and my self esteem is quite normal. I have a very loving relationship with my father who raised me. Time-outs did not and do not work with some of my kids. There hasn't been any sufficient studies that I have ever seen to prove that a swat on a butt destroyed a child. I believe you what works for your family. I don't really care how others punish their children, and I don't care if they care about my punishments. We are all trying to get through this the best way we know how.

 

Spanking does teach a child one important lesson, you cannot trust those who are supposed to love you the most. Discipline is not supposed to be a punishment, it is suppose to be a tool for teaching proper behaviour. I rarely use time outs, I rarely even raise my voice. I tell my children what my expectations are and I ALWAYS follow through. I have brought kids home from the zoo if they arent listening. I never threaten something that I am not willing to do. For most behaviour issues there is a natural consequence and that is the most effective learning tool. Spanking is humiliating, painful and frightening and it teaches kids to be sneaky. It is never OK.

 

I was spanked, I will not spank.

 

We do not spank, hit, tap on the bottom, slap hands, etc. We do not believe in any form of spanking or physical punishment.

 

I answered no. However, I did smack Michael's hand very hard once when he reached for a hot pan on the stove. I am not anti spanking and in fact I always thought I would use it occassionally. It certainly didn't hurt my self esteem. I just have never really felt the need to use it yet. I'm not saying I won't but up until this point I haven't used it.

 

We flick their hands and occasionally their cheeks. We have on a few occasions swatted their bottoms. I don't think my children's self-esteem is being damaged in anyway. As a matter of a fact, my children seem rather confident. As for them not trusting me because I spank/flick them, I don't believe that to be true. My children know that I love them and are secure in that love.

 

This has been one topic thats been riped through for years on this site. Lots of different opinions.
I do spank . I will continue to do so. We all do things different.

 

quote:
Do parents still really spank their children nowdays. With all the research saying spanking doesn't work and how it affects children, self esteem etc...


Yes, parents still spank their children. And my personal opinion to that is "do what is best for your family and don't judge others who do it differently". If you spank, don't judge those who don't. If you don't spank, don't judge those who do. The bottom line is that we all love our children and we all have good intentions with our discipline tools no matter what they are.

 

I don't spank. I don't plan on spanking either. I could see myself maybe swatting a hand if one of the babies was reaching for something dangerous, that type of scenario. If that happened, I would explain that I did it to get her attention,that the pan was hot, and not to hurt her.
FTR: I was spanked, and while I don't think it did any permanent damage or anything like that, I don't see where it helped anything. I just don't see the need to do it.

 

Haven't spanked yet and definitely not planning to spank. I agree with the poster above who said that most discipline can be achieved using natural consequences of their behavior, and that spanking just sends a terrible message of violence to the children. I was only spanked once or twice that I remember, but my brother -- who was, I'll admit, a holy terror -- was spanked pretty regularly. My husband was more than spanked -- to put it mildly -- and we both agree that spanking is not for us. I just don't understand what purpose it serves when there are other ways to get your point across? I don't want to raise children to behave just because they fear physical punishment. If fear is their only motivation then I think I haven't done a very good job.

 

quote:
Spanking is humiliating, painful and frightening and it teaches kids to be sneaky. It is never OK.


You say this with authority as if you know this to be fact or are you just stating your opinion? I absolutely disagree. To each his own. My mother said I was spanked a few times as a child and I can say with great certainty that I DON'T remember it and I'm a very disciplined adult with high self-esteem. Oh, and I'm not sneaky. I do however think that there is a difference between spanking and abuse.

Angela

 

I was spanked as a child and I do with my children. I have no problems because it was used only when necessary and the same is done with my kids. We dont go overboard and sometimes it is the ONLY thing that works. That is after trying a myriad of other things and it is a last resort. My kids are happy and healthy.

 

I didn't vote. The yes/no answer was too black and white for me.

We haven't "spanked" the kids yet, they are too little. We have slapped their hands away from cords (computer cords) around the house. After slapping their hands away day after day, they do not touch cords anymore. (DH is a computer geek, lots of computers and cords around in certain rooms.)

Anyway, I was spanked as a child, so was DH. I have low self esteem, but I believe that was because I was also given the "belt" many times.

I have tried time outs at school and at Sunday School (I'm a teacher) and that tends to work most of the time for my school children.

I will try time outs and such first. It it comes down to it, I might spank.

*Heathernd, I really like your comment about not judging people who do, and not judging people who don't! Thanks!

Bridget

 

We do. It is more of a swat then a true spanking like I got growing up. It is the last resort, and never in anger or frustration. We did not start until they were almost three and they truely understood and could make choice about the consequences of their actions. So, for us, Ainsley is still too young. In the "if you do this then this will happen, if not you can sit in time out." way. Madison actually picked being spanked over time out yesterday when I put her in time out. She was not spanked, and time out was the worst punishment for her right now... who knew!?
Dh and I both agree on discipline. It works for us.
I have seen other forms of parental control that I believe are more detremental to children: constant negative beratement and physical hitting coming out of nowhere for reasons not explained. I think it is safe to say all of us have seen this at some point in our lives and we probably all agree this is not ok.

 

I was spankled. I spank and do time out as well. For us a combination is required.

As for low self esteem from spanking,IMO,it is not true. My BF and her brother were spanked and punished in a corporal way. They had to go outside pick a switch and bring it in. Both of them have grown up to become involved in law enforcement. As a matter of fact they are both deputies. They have very high self esteem.


I am not suggesting anyone should switch there kids. So no false assumptions, please.

 

quote:
Spanking does teach a child one important lesson, you cannot trust those who are supposed to love you the most

I do spank, I also use time-outs, I also always discuss why they are being punished and my daughters still trust me. They trust that I will keep them safe, they trust me when I say that I love them , and they trust that I am trying to teach them to be a good person.Spanking them is not teaching them that they can trust me. We are all trying to do what is best for our children. What I do with my children isnt going to work for someone elses child because each home, each family have their own beliefs and are doing what they believe is right for their family. I dont judge others on how they raise their families and expect the same from them.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies, of course we're all doing our best for our families. AND OF COURSE WE ALL LOVE OUR CHILDREN!! it woz more just wondering what people do.

Its something everyone has really strong views about and thanks for sharing them

Amanda (mom of Jorja and Jessica)



(Barrie, Ontario)

 

I am late posting.

I didn't vote, my babies are still too young yet for this. I will however even with them at this age hit them back, my ds will smack the mess out of me, cause that is how he does with his brother and I will hit him back.

I do think that I will spank, I do with my oldest. I was spanked and it didn't make me less confident or a sneaky person, it actually helped me to learn that I had to face the things I did, and take the reprocussions (spelling?). I am a very responsible adult who knows what is expected of me, aside from that twitch (lol )

I feel like everyone should do what is best in their situation. I do agree with PP when they say that people who spank shouldn't judge those who don't and visa versa. There is nothing I hate more then my oldest running off in the mall and I have to be careful if I want to swat his butt, because someone might see and call DYFS.

 

I have spanked my kids, but it is a VERY rare occurance (a few times a year), and it is one or two gentle swats on a covered bottom. I have used it for sheer shock value when they have been totally out of control or disobeyed in a way that put them in serious danger (like when Hayden ran directly into a busy street last summer). Thankfully, those things don't happen very often.

For my kids, it carries a lot of weight because it happens so rarely. We use timeouts and removal of privileges for disciplining, and that works very well for us.

 

quote:
Originally posted by 4kids4me:
Spanking does teach a child one important lesson, you cannot trust those who are supposed to love you the most. Discipline is not supposed to be a punishment, it is suppose to be a tool for teaching proper behaviour. I rarely use time outs, I rarely even raise my voice. I tell my children what my expectations are and I ALWAYS follow through. I have brought kids home from the zoo if they arent listening. I never threaten something that I am not willing to do. For most behaviour issues there is a natural consequence and that is the most effective learning tool. Spanking is humiliating, painful and frightening and it teaches kids to be sneaky. It is never OK.


Not to be rude, but what expert opinion are you citing or is this just your personal opinion? I find it very judgemental what you said, and take offense to it.

 

quote:
Originally posted by Whosermomma!:
quote:
Originally posted by twoin2005:

BUT...I do not have a problem with it. My DH and I were both spanked, our neices and nephews have been spanked. Used sporadically, I think it can be an effective discipline tool. I think it takes a lot more than a spank to damage a child's self-esteem.


I agree and, Yes, I spank when needed. We usually pull out that tool only when we have to and it isn't often. I never felt that if I spanked my child, he/she would be confused about hitting his/her sibling. I know they think, "I better not because I'll get in trouble." My butt was spanked many times as a kid, and my self esteem is quite normal. I have a very loving relationship with my father who raised me. Time-outs did not and do not work with some of my kids. There hasn't been any sufficient studies that I have ever seen to prove that a swat on a butt destroyed a child. I believe you what works for your family. I don't really care how others punish their children, and I don't care if they care about my punishments. We are all trying to get through this the best way we know how.

I agree. I certainly never have (yet), and I don't think it should ever be a first response, but there aren't any studies that I've seen that show negative effects to a child. BTW....I think most of the time, other discipline measures are just as effective, if not more so. But, I don't think spanking is wrong. There's a BIG difference is spanking a child and hitting them.

 

quote:
I will however even with them at this age hit them back,

Are you saying your one year olds hit you so you hit them back? but

quote:
I didn't vote, my babies are still too young yet for this.

they are too young to be spanked?

Can you please clarify, I am extremely confused by your post.

 

quote:
That is why I will never spank them.



I don't want to get into the debate, but if there is one thing having kids has taught me, it is to never say never. I NEVER thought I would have twins!!!!!

 

quote:
Originally posted by Dianne:
quote:
I will however even with them at this age hit them back,

Are you saying your one year olds hit you so you hit them back? but

quote:
I didn't vote, my babies are still too young yet for this.

they are too young to be spanked?

Can you please clarify, I am extremely confused by your post.

I am sorry, now looking at that I can see how it can be misleading. I don't HIT them back, they get a tap on the hand, not hard at all. Just enough to show them that it isn't a nice feeling. I DO NOT smack his hand the same way he hits me and I don't do it when they are playful hits, I do it when he is having a fit and smacks me. However, yes at one year old they are too small to be "spanked", I do not thing that they are too young to learn what it feels like when they hit someone else. I don't know if I am saying it the right way. And I guess it may not be the best practice for everyone or every child, but it works here, if he smacks me and I tap his hand, he stops.

 

All the children that I know that aren't spanked are brats. I was raised old school that you should respect and fear your parents. Sure you want your kids growing up and making the right choices but I remember making alot of right choices because I was afraid of what my parents would do to me if they caught me!

 

quote:
fear your parents


I don't want my children to fear me, but I do want them to fear the consequences of their actions and therefore think before they act.

 

I voted NO- But, I have actually swatted a couple of bottoms in the past and found it ineffective for us- and it made me feel like crap.

My parents did spank us and I must say it kept 6 of us in line! It's just not a method I am comfortable with.

No judgements here! Just noting what works for us and what doesn't.

Lisa

 

I am impressed that everyone is beign so respectful since this is a HOT topic that can be touchy.

I don't plan on spanking and feel fairly strong in my belief. I was not spanked, my DH was and we are both self-confident and capable people that love our parents.

We will try time-out and alternative ways to control behavior- I know that I will get frustrated at times, but am fairly sure that with a that we will be able to manage.

That said, ask me again in about 5 yrs! Having children has challenged many of my 'beliefs' and has made me a better person on not judging the choices of other parents- there is a lot of grey in parenting versus black and white. We are all learning as we go!

KC

 

quote:
Originally posted by 4kids4me:
Spanking does teach a child one important lesson, you cannot trust those who are supposed to love you the most. Discipline is not supposed to be a punishment, it is suppose to be a tool for teaching proper behaviour.


I am laughing my head off at this statement right now...thanks for making my morning!

When you say "Discipline is not supposed to be punishment"...how does that work? So when you get pulled over for speeding and the police hands you a ticket for $175...$175 that you have to pay out of your own bank account, that you had to work for, that you could have spent on nice things for yourself or your kids....is that not a punishment? Is that not a consequence for your actions? Is that not DISCIPLINE?? Does that not HURT??

So when your son get's his butt fired from work for not showing up because he was out too late the night before, is that not a natural consequence? Is that not DISCIPLINE? Is that not PUNISHMENT?

When my DS starts climbing the stove where I am making supper, a spank on the bottom is far better then 3rd degree burns, far more effective than putting him in a chair he will climb out of, and most importantly teaching him that he is not supposed to do that. It teaches him obedience, it teaches him boundries that he is not supposed to cross. And it puts a bit of fear into his life...not fear of me, not fear of auuthority, but the good, Godly fear, that wrong actions equal unplesent consequences, and PAIN! And trust me, the momentary pain my kids my kids feel FAR outweighs the pain they would feel as adults who have no respect for authority and no fear of conseqences.

I have something against people who grab their kids in the heat of the moment and in anger and frustration pound their kids. That is WRONG!! People like that have given scriptual discipline a bad name!

Spanking should be done in LOVE by talking with the child before and after, explaining to them what the Bible says (when they are older, having them tell you what Eph 6:1-3 says, because by the time they are 4 years old, they will know that verse off by heart!!!), and what they did that was wrong, and what they consequenses are for doing that wrong. And after wards, telling them that you love them and want God's best for them. Tell them that they don't have to go the route of being spanked, if they learned to obey the 1st time.

My kids will grow up to trust me because I taught them that there are painful consequences to disobedience.

I was discipline as a child and pre-teen. There were times that my parents (Dad) did not cool off before administering discipline. I highly disagree with that, and I strive to never loose my cool when I am disciplining my kids.

Last week, I witnessed a poor mother being BEAT UP by her son(probably 3 or 4 years old). She was practically laying on the floor in Walmart shelding her face from his blows. Her husband or whoever finally came and grabbed the boy, the mom was out of breath, paniced and almost crying. I wonder who that kid has any respect for? He obviously does not fear being put in time out or having his video taken away. Because if he did, he would not be beating his parent.

 

I have to say "PurpleNurple" its getting a little personal. Obviously we're all allowed our say BUT "laughing ur head off" at others comments.

Or KY sweet tea all kids u know who are not spanked are "brats", so our kids who are not spanked are brats???

Obviously we all have "DIFFERENT" opinions, and this is a very passionate and touchy subject.

That is all I wanted to say

Amanda

 

I agree, PurpleNurple was a little offensive;

here's the definitions as *I* personlly use/agree with and I'm sure the ones 4kids was implying{?}

DISCIPLINE
-training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline.
-activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill-
-behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control

PUNISHMENT
a penalty inflicted for an offense, fault, etc.

they're not the same thing really, not IMO.

I am torn personally. I don't spank in the traditional sense of the word really.
I'm torn because I agree w/ the 'how can I teach my child not to hit, if I hit him?' But I also think that a swat on the pants on the hand is enough to get their attention when other things have failed.

I'd never bend them over and spank them w/ a switch or belt or anything like that.
I can't even bear the thought. . . .