Separate classes - what about different friends' birthdays

Discussion in 'Childhood and Beyond (4+)' started by Ela, Aug 29, 2009.

  1. Ela

    Ela Well-Known Member

    If you have kids in different classrooms I was wondering how you all deal with the twins (especially same gender) when one gets invited to a b-day party by her/his friend. Becuase they're separated, the b-day child probably doesn't know the sibiling, especially the twin. OF course it's gonig to cause issues if only one goes to the b-day. Do you call the paretns and ask if the sibiling could ocme? OR just deal wtih it and excplain it to the kids???
  2. sharongl

    sharongl Well-Known Member

    If one child is invited, then that is the child that goes. I explain to the other that sometime they will get an invite to someone in their class, and their brother won't be able to go. They are separate children with separate friends. Only once have I asked to have the twin come, and that was when the birthday party was in the afternoon (they were in AM K at the time) and I didn't have anyone to watch the other one. It actually worked out because, that child was in the class with the other one of my twins the following year.

    OTOH, if I know there are twins, and they boys have been friends with both, I do extend the invitation to the other twin.
  3. JenJefLog

    JenJefLog Well-Known Member

    That happened to my girls when I put them in separate classes in first grade. I just explained to them that a friend from class had invited her sister to a birthday party and there would be times when she would be invited to parties and her sister wouldn't be. As it happened, the birthday party invites equaled out, so we were lucky with that. I don't think it's fair to expect a child to invite someone they don't even know to their party because they're twins. I had a best friend growing up and her parents always required that whenever she was invited to something, her year younger sister be invited too. What I really didn't like about that was that if I wanted to include my best friend in an outing where I was allowed to bring a certain number of friends, I had to count her sister in and not include another friend I might rather have invited. I feel that if my son was invited to something, I would never ask that one of his sister's be included as well, so I'm not going to do it for the twins. I know it makes it easier when we don't have to deal with hurt feelings and when trying to keep things "fair," but there are so many times in life when things aren't fair, they might as well learn how to cope with it now.
  4. BellaRissa

    BellaRissa Well-Known Member

    I have never had a birthday party for the girls that the invitation was not extended to all members of the family - my girls had infants & 12 year olds at their last party. I think it is fun to have all the kids come. I am not planning to separate my girls for the first few years of school...after that I think they will be old enough not to feel bad about being excluded from a party of someone they don't even know, even though her sister is invited.
  5. jamey

    jamey Well-Known Member

    Well, we will be encountering this for the first time very soon! I haven't talked to them about it, yet, because I don't want to rehash it for the next two weeks. I'm also secretly hoping there is a party coming up in the other class, which will make explaining it easier.

    I think they will understand, though. They know about giving invitations to everyone in the class, so I think that will make it easier - knowing they don't share a class with the birthday child.

    I do not expect both of the girls to be invited, unless it is someone both of them are friends with. I do extend invites to twin siblings.
  6. Callen

    Callen Well-Known Member

    I would never call & ask to include my other child(ren). That would be rude IMO.

    Like everything else in life, they have to learn that not everything is "fair" and that is OK. I always tell them things balance out.
  7. Jersey_Girls

    Jersey_Girls Well-Known Member

    This has occured a few times. If both my gals know the birthday child and the one that is not invited really wants to go I will ask the parent if it is OK if her sister attends as well. I ALWAYS stipulate that I completely understand if it is not possible and that I will plan something else. Each time the parent was more then happy to have an extra guest. DH and I have also used it as a way have alone time with each of them. DH will take one to the party and hang out and I will take the other out to lunch or shopping or hang at home and play games. It just depends on who the friend is and what's going on at the time.

    Like I said, it seems to me most parents are pretty relaxed about bringing a sibling as long as you ask ahead of time.

    good luck!
  8. Haley'sHope

    Haley'sHope Well-Known Member

    i completely agree, esp. since if the party is being held somewhere other than the child's home then parents of the birthday child have to pay for every child that attends & may not have it in their budget to include additional guests. i would never call and invite my child to a party that the invitation was not extended to. in addition to the twins we have a singleton. he isn't invited to the parties that his brothers go to, i don't call to see if he can be invited and he isn't brought to them. i see it as the same thing when one of the twins isn't invited.

    we have had several occasions where only one of the twins was invited to parties. we allow the invited twin to decide which of his parents he wants to take him to the party. the uninvited twin gets to pick a fun activity that he wants to go do alone with the parent not going to the party & his little brother. this lets the invited twin go to the party & the uninvited one gets to have special alone time with his parent so they are both happy.
  9. Chrissy Nelson

    Chrissy Nelson Well-Known Member

    I would never call and ask if the other child could come either. I think that would be rude too. I also could not afford to entertain an entire household of families if they all wanted to come to the girls party (they had over 30 kids at their last party).

    I would just explain to my child that the one did not get invited, but would do something slightly special with that child while the other was at the party.

    On a side note we have had the girls b-day parties at certain places like a bounce house or indoor pool area. We have had people bring siblings they just paid for their admission and took them on their own seperate from the party.
  10. jxnsmama

    jxnsmama Well-Known Member

    Same here. My kids have been going to separate parties since kindergarten, and it has not been an issue, because we don't make it one.

    On two occasions, parents that have invited Brady have found out about Hayden and then called to say he's invited, too. I asked if their child even knew Hayden, and both times they said no, so I declined. I don't think Brady should have to have his brother there (and the hosting parent should have to take on another child) just because they happen to be twins.
  11. Becky02

    Becky02 Well-Known Member

    Everytime my girls got invited to a birthday party last year it was only for the one in the class with them. Most of the kids said that they could bring their sister but I told the girls unless both of their names was on the invite or the parent called or spoke to me personally. They understood about only the invited going. They weren't happy about it but I did try to tell them they might be twins but they have different friends and basically what all the pp's have said. We did come across a problem about the parent wasn't sure if she should invite both of my girls. She was having a class party but since she new that Kira was a twin and her daughter did play with Katrina too a few times she didn't know if she should invite both or just Kira who was in her class. She new that we treated them like individuals and wasn't sure what to do. She ended up only inviting Kira in the end and was telling my dh (he is the one who went to the pary) about her decision and was hoping it was ok. I never thought about the other person having a difficult time about inviting the girls just because they are twins.
  12. Callen

    Callen Well-Known Member

    Why? :umm: If they know both of your girls and 1 is not invited.......

    From the other side - I have had parents call & ask me to bring other children. I hate it! :mad: If I had wanted to invite siblings the invitation would have said and siblings. I always smile & say of course. It would be awkward to say no. You put people in a bad position when you ask.
    1 person likes this.
  13. Jersey_Girls

    Jersey_Girls Well-Known Member

    Sorry! I feel like I have ticked you off. I swear I won't ask to come to your child's birthday. :)

    I guess the people I hang with are a bit easier going. Everyone in our neighborhood and community seem really approachable and relaxed about it. I would never turn anyone down who asked me to include their child in a celebration of my child's birthday. I honestly wouldn't care one way or the other. And the responses I have always gotten are "Hey! The more the merrier!" and "No problem at all." Maybe they are all really good actors and are secretly angry with me....;)
  14. Dani Boyle

    Dani Boyle Well-Known Member

    Last year Maddie got invited to a lot more parties than Connor did. Connor was invited to 2 from his class and unfortunately I had to work so I couldn't take him. The parties Maddie was invited to a few I took her to them because I was off from work. One party the mom invited Connor because she knows our family situation and it wasn't a big deal to add one more boy. Another party Maddie was invited, Connor was not and the party was at Build-A-Bear. Connor did get a cupcake and juice from the mom because she too knows about me being a single parent. Connor got upset, but I try to get him to understand that it's just how it works. They were also both invited to several parties because the other kids live in our complex or went to after-care at the YMCA with them.
  15. Oneplus2more

    Oneplus2more Well-Known Member

    I also would never call the hosts and ask if my other child(ren) could come. My twins are too young for this to come up yet between them, but DD1 had a birthday party two weekends ago and Hannah had a total screaming, flailing, meltdown when she found out about it and then again on the day of the party. I'm gonna bet a lot of the other kids invited to the party have siblings too, it's not fair to expect the hosts to accomodate sibs, twins or not IMO. I think if the host intended to include sib(s) it would be on the invitation, especially when the birthday kid does know the sib. The host being gracious when put on the spot is not the same as the host truly choosing to include the sib(s). DD1 has had a few parties from school where H & N were invited - names included on the invite. The one during the week I took them too and appreciated the host including them, the one on the weekend I left them at home with DH because I think it's nice for DD1 to have her own things w/o the twinks.
  16. Jersey_Girls

    Jersey_Girls Well-Known Member

    I know folks think I am rude for asking someone to include my daughter's twin at a couple of parties so I thought I would expand.

    I think it depends on your relationship with the parents, the situation and your community.

    Where I live it appears to be the norm that all classmates are invited to the child's party whether they are good friends or not. This way, no one feels excluded. My daughters are in separate classes but play with many of the same friends during recess and at the afterschool program. On one occasion Isa was invited via invitation in her school folder to Sophia's party but Zee was not. Zee kept telling me that Sophia did invite her so I contacted her mom and asked if she was indeed invited. I told her I would completely understand if this was a mistake and that Zee and I would do something fun that day while Isa went to the party with DH. Sophia's mom's response was "Oh! I had no idea Isa had a twin. Yes! The more the merrier."

    The other incident was when Isa wanted to go to the party but was afraid to go without her sister. Isa suffers from anxiety and has some sensory issues and we have been working with her on these challenges. She really wanted to go but wanted her twin with her. If I sent her by herself she most likely would have stood in a corner with her head down and not participated. If I went with her she would have probably clung to me and not engaged with the others. Or I could have just kept her home. I decided to ask the mother if her twin could be included because of Isa's shyness and her response was "We would love to have her". It turned out to be a terrific day for both of them.

    I normally am not really bold when it comes to asking for favors. I guess in both situations I thought "It can't hurt to ask. If accomodating another child is too much for the host then they will be honest and decline". But, as you can see some hosts do not appreciate being asked.

    Just want the OP to know- I do not do this with every party and as I said have used the separate party times to get alone time with one of my gals. It has also helped Isa to slowly learn how to engage with kids other then her twin.

    The separate class situation can be a challenge but as others have shown it can also be a great opportunity to help your child grow.

    Best of luck to you this year!

  17. Mama_Kim

    Mama_Kim Well-Known Member

    This was only an issue for my boys in K and a few times in 1st grade. Until that point, a lot of the kids (or rather the parents) did not know they were twins and several times only one child received an invitation. I used to take whomever was invited to the party and then whichever child was at home would do something special with either DH or I. Once it became known they were twins, most of the kids began requesting both B&C be invited and/or the parents just invited them both. I don't think they've received a separate invitation to a birthday party from 2nd grade on.

    I can tell you I personally would never call and invite the other twin to the party.
  18. momotwinsmom

    momotwinsmom Well-Known Member

    Yeah it happened a lot at first, but now that their friends know there are 2 of them, both are usually invited. But, if it is only 1 on the invite, then only 1 goes. That's the way life goes.
  19. mom2znl

    mom2znl Well-Known Member

    This happened the first time for us a few months ago at age 4. DS1 got invited to two parties on the same day by friends at school. As these were parties at private homes and both families were quite aware of his twin in the class next door (and all the kids had played together at school) I was a little surprised that they didn't invite DS2 also. But, I didn't ask to bring along DS2. I took DS1 to the parties, and DS2 had a special day of alone time with my DH. DS1 did share some of the spoils of his goody bags when he got home and all was well in our little world.

    In many situations, such as a party at our local children's museum, with a limit of # of children who can be accommodated in the party room, extra siblings would present a real problem for the hosts.
  20. sharongl

    sharongl Well-Known Member

    Just because the parents are aware that there is a twin, doesn't obligate them to invite the sibling. The birthday child is entitled to invite their friends, not extra siblings because they exist. There are 4 sets of twins in my boys' grade, three sets are b/b and one set is b/g. The b/g set was split like my two (same teachers), one of the b/b sets was split with my boys in K, the other set had one boy in Marcus' class, and the other had never been in a class with my kids, so my boys really didn't know him. When we had their party, we only invited boys. So, the girl in the b/g set was upset she wasn't invited, even though she was told it was a boys only party. The set which was with my boys in K, I did put both boys names on the invite. The other set, I only invited the one we knew. Now, when it got closer to the party, and I did have room, I spoke with the other mom, and did invite the brother, but had I had reached my limit, I wouldn't have.
  21. Code

    Code Well-Known Member

    It used to happen when we were little, but then everyone used to invite us both, my parents NEVER rang up and asked for us to be invited if the other one wasnt. Once we hit highschool and developed our own friends for their parties some invited us both because of common friends others didn't, I didnt think anything was wrong with it actually, never second thought it :unsure: I thought it was normal.

    Although since I have about 15 sets of twins I know IRL I always invite them both since I am friends with them, all my twin friends will be invited to my 18th not because of the "twin" factor just because they are my friends.

    I just thought a view from a twins experince may help :)
    1 person likes this.
  22. melcj

    melcj New Member

    I have dealt with this issue plenty of times over the last 2 years and the fist few times the uninvited twin found it upsetting, but they now know when one has to go to a party the other gets to pick something special to do or pick a relative or friend that we may be able to visit or on occasions i have taken the uninvited twin to the park for a picnic and made staying with me just as much a special time as what going to the party would be. I think it all depends to on how well you know the other parents and how comfortable you are with them, if you are going to consider asking for the other twin to attend.
    1 person likes this.
  23. Sandsam

    Sandsam Well-Known Member

    My girls just started Kindergarten. They have been together in preschool and are together in K by choice. So far, both have always been invited to parties as they have generally the same friends.

    When the situation arises where one is invited and the other isn't, I will NOT call to ask for another invite. I agree that asking to bring the other twin is rude. But more importantly, my girls need to learn that they won't always be included in everything. This is a life lesson. What I will do is take the not-invited girl somewhere special during the party for 1:1 time.
  24. mommyto3girls

    mommyto3girls Well-Known Member

    My girls were together in pre-k and separate in K. Brianne had most of the kids from pre-k in her class. The only parties the girls were invited to last year were for kids in Brianne's K class. They were also all kids that they had together in pre-k so they were both invited to all of the parties. I would not ask for any siblings to be invited to parties. I have taken their older sister to a public party venue and paid for her. She did not participate in the party.
Similar Threads Forum Date
Identical twins in separate classes Childhood and Beyond (4+) Apr 14, 2011
Separate classes/ separate schedules The Toddler Years(1-3) Jul 19, 2009
A thought for those of you concerned about separate classes... Childhood and Beyond (4+) May 2, 2009
Elementary Twin Boys, together or separate classes? General May 15, 2008
Separate classes in daycare? The Toddler Years(1-3) Oct 17, 2007

Share This Page