saving the marriage...

Discussion in 'The First Year' started by healer27, Jul 6, 2010.

  1. healer27

    healer27 Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone,i have two identical baby girls 1 month adjusted as of today they were born at 34 weeks. I also have a 3 yo old daughter. I am staying at home with the kids. My 3 yo goes to daycare which helps and is of course home on weekends. We don't have any help, my parents are deceased and altho my husband has 3 sisters none of his family have offered to help in any way which is a sore spot with me. IN any case we are juggling our twins and 3 year old on our own. It's been rough we are both exhausted, my hubby does help out at night on top of working his job during the day. Prior to having the babies i was in the hospital for 2 months so they could be monitored (they are mono/mono twins) one sac, one placenta two cords. IN any case of course there is a strain on the marriage we basically were apart for 2 months while i was i nthe hospital, now I'm home but we are exhausted from taking care of the kids. I just feel so sad, I even miss just getting out with our 3 year old alone. At this point we are not taking the twins out as adviced by our pedi sinces they were premis'. i'm just so afraid of loosing my hubby, I feel fat and unattractive and exhausted and I just don't know what to do.. Did any of you go through this? Even if we could get out I'm not sure I would really want to because I just don't even feel good about myself. Did any of you go through this? What did you do to help your marriage? or did you just ride it out and it got easier as the twins got older? would love to hear. thanks!
     
  2. miss_bossy18

    miss_bossy18 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    yup, we definitely went through a period like that! DH & i had never had a knock down, no holds barred fight before we had children - now we have them fairly regularly. :pardon: at the same time though, i feel closer to him than i ever have in the past.

    i think the most important thing is just to keep talking to each other - acknowledge that you miss your hubby, and that you're looking forward to spending time with him again. remind & encourage each other that this is just a short time & that you will get through it together! find little ways to connect through the day - give him a really good hug when he gets home, touch his shoulder when you pass him, thank him for helping you at night (acknowledge that it must be tough be up at night & still going to work during the day). cut each other a lot of slack! we had a "rule" that anything said between 12:00am & 6:00am didn't count - it wasn't us talking, it was the sleep deprivation. ;)

    if you need something from him, make sure to ask for it. he can't read your mind so unless you ask him for what you need, he's likely just stumbling around in the dark wishing he could figure out how to help. above all, keep in mind that you will get through this time, it's shorter than it seems right now, and you'll be stronger for it! :hug:
     
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  3. kingeomer

    kingeomer Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I think this is great advice. Keep the lines of communication open. Like Rachel, my DH and I would have little squabbles before kids and now we do have the major fights but we also keep talking and make it a point to not go to bed mad or leave for work mad at each other. I also agree with thanking him and finding little ways to reconnect daily. It sounds silly but I did make sure (and continue to do so) to thank DH for what he does around the house, with the children, etc. And he does the same for me. Just knowing that you are appreciated, no matter what, goes a long way.
    I don't know if you have friends nearby who would be willing watch the children for you for a couple of hours (say during the twins nap time) and then you and your DH could at least go out for a walk.
    These first months are hard...it's an adjustment for you, him, and the children so everyone is stressed right now. Once you all find your rhythm it will get easier. :hug:
     
  4. AmynTony

    AmynTony Well-Known Member

    its tough - I can't say that we ever fought but I will tell you its taken until now to have a semi-normal amount of sex again! not because of pain or discomfort but because of sheer exhaustion! Unless there are other conflicts in your marriage I sincerely doubt your husband will go astray - but its ok to communicate those thoughts to him! Every once in a while I'll sit down with my hubs and ask him if he has interest in going elsewhere - keeping communication open is really the key...as far as taking the kids out - taking them out in the stroller for a walk will do all of you a world of good...put the hoods up on the car seats and hang a sign asking people not to touch and get yourselves some fresh air!
     
  5. carries lads

    carries lads Member

    Hi im sorry you feel crappy i defo went through this and still am more or less me and dh fight like cats and dogs about everything but its tiredness on both parts and defo dosnt mean you dont love him or he dosnt love you , could you have a small bit of pnd ,i had it mild after ds1 who is also 3 , having kids changes things for sure but at the end of the day its still you and your dh , id say try and be positive and get out of the house as soon as you can id crack up if i couldnt get out be it to the shops or park 4 a walk , it does get easier my twins are mo/di boys 10 months now,ye must have been up the walls with worry with mo/mo that even had to take its toll so get up tomorrow and smile at what ye have achieved well done and keep smiling ,X
     
  6. calimom

    calimom Member

    While I do have a wonderful hubby and the best marriage I could hope for, we did go through some "testing" days at the end of my pregnancy with 10 weeks of bedrest and then the 1st month when they were in the nicu and the 1st month or two they were home. And, help from family isn't always all its cracked up to be. My mother-in-law came to live with us for 4 months (during bedrest and after they were born). She was supposed to help with our 2 1/2 year old and with the housework but she didn't get up off her butt unless I specifically told her to do so, and then she was always there so the hubby and I could never really talk which was a strain on things. She lives in another state and you would think she would want to play with her 1st grandchild and not have to be told to do so. Then, after the babies were born she always had input about how things should be done, yet she never had twins, nor preemies (on monitors), and I am still a little resentful about how she raised her youngest son and he had to come live with us to try to straighten him out (she didn't raise my hubby) so I don't think much of her advice about how to handle the kids.
    Anyway- after she left and we got into a routine within a few weeks, although we were tired it got so much better. My hubby is in the military and we live nowhere near family so we really are on our own out here with our 3 kids under 3 years old. We don't really go anywhere b/c it takes too much effort but we now really do enjoy our family. So, things should eventually become "normal", granted a new kind of normal for you. Just give it some time and make sure you let your hubby know that you are not feeling the best but you hope for better and easier days when you can really enjoy the family again.
    Hope that helps a bit.
    Denise
     
  7. cheezewhiz24

    cheezewhiz24 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I get the not feeling good about yourself/your body after the babies. One of the best things I did was call my hairdresser and have her come to me to get a haircut. It made me feel so much prettier to have hair that wasn't out of control.

    TMI warning in advance: I agree- go out when the babies nap for just 1 hour. You can afford that- you don't have to go to a concert. Just 'out'. Away from kids! One of my husband's favorite memories of this time was once we pulled over into a deserted park and, well, I was very giving. Honestly, it was free, I wasn't trying to sleep and I knew it meant a lot to him.

    I also think you could probably draw up their shades and go for a short walk. You do not have to stop and talk to anyone- use an iPod with headphones or talk on your cellphone so people won't stop you (don't make eye contact, either!).

    It gets much, much, much better. I promise.
     
  8. Kateryna

    Kateryna Well-Known Member

    I was in the same situation. My mom passed away and my father found another life partner so he is busy. My in-laws work full time and busy as well. We had help for the first 2 weeks and them were left alone and my husband worked and we rotated night shifts. It was very hard. I think the hardest was not having my mom here.

    As to marrige, we just "went with the flow". I felt ugly and unattractive as well but who in their right mind wouldn't with newborn twins? Changing diapers, feeding and cleaning and then everything all over again is not a dream job and you feel absolutely natural about this. I am sure everyone here felt the same. I felt a breath of fresh air when my babies were closer to 6 months and now at one year we just got back to our almost regular self intherms of being a couple and concentrating on our relationship. I don't even remember my husband during the first months because I don't think I een had time (or energy) to look at him. We barely even talked from ehastion and we did not even have another child like you do. So beleive me it will be better, specially once they sit up and can play a bit more. Hopefully you guys will just stick together and it will all fall into place once babies get older.
     
  9. kerina313

    kerina313 Well-Known Member

    We're in a similar position, except I work and he stays home. I find that I need to let him know what a good job he's doing -- even if it's not to "my" standards or doing it "my" way. My twins are only 2 months old and I have an active 4 year old. I bit the bullet and put her in day care at the "Y" for 2 days a week. I'm lucky that my neighbor thinks of her as one of her granddaughters and is willing to drop her off in the morning for me. But that's really the only help we have. Everything else is on us. I joined a website that has sitters/nannies etc and just found someone I think would fit for our family. It wouldn't be all the time, but when we need a break or in case of appointments where she could help out.

    As far as me, since I work and commute 3 hours a day on top of working 8-10 hours (although more 8 than 10 these days), I take the "early morning" feed (3-4am) and then come down and straighten up, do dishes, put laundry together and I even fit in 15 minutes of exercise -- why because I don't feel I look good and I've been pregnant almost 2 years straight and need something to help with my energy. I also take vitamins that have energy helpers along with iron, B6 and calcium. I finding taking those helps me as well.

    As far as time with DH, the other day I didn't feel like it, but we're not men, so I made an effort. It's 15-30 mins that you have - especially if the children as taking a nap. After that you can do the same.

    Communication is definitely important. Just make sure it's communicating not yelling. Good luck! I know you can do it!
     
  10. healer27

    healer27 Well-Known Member

    Hi Denise, Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Especially with the MIL, my MIL offered to come help us but I declined due to the same reasons you mentioned I KNEW she would just sit on her butt and it would be more of her causing more of a strain on our relationship. IN fact she was over this weekend and she put her feet on my coffee table THEN proceeded to FALL ASLEEP on our couch while hubby and I who wre running on about 3 hours of sleep ran around did laundry cooked dinner..She didn't EVEN BRING HER PLATE to the sink when done eating dinner. She's unbelievable,my husband also has 3 sisters and they all have issues as weel so I wouldn't take parenting advice from her either. Just funny..
    *************************************************************************************************************


     
  11. healer27

    healer27 Well-Known Member

    Michelle, that's hysterical!!
    :rotflmbo:

     
  12. mommylaura

    mommylaura Well-Known Member

    Just want you to know that you are not alone. Having twins is putting our marriage to the test, and frankly we are both too tired to even address it. I have to think it will get easier...
     
  13. Chicklet

    Chicklet Well-Known Member

    :grouphug: What you're going through is SO normal! I remember that complete feeling of exhaustion. Dh and I didn't fight that much during this time but we did w our singletons and it's normal for us to argue so maybe we did and I just thought it was normal lol

    I'm wondering if you maybe have a bit of PPD too, it's SO normal and you could just be tired but don't rule that out w/o talking to your dr! Good luck to you and just know that you DO sleep again and there is life after twins ♥
     
  14. Bestian

    Bestian Active Member

    Maybe it's not worth saving? Maybe it's time to move on?
     
  15. BillShiphr

    BillShiphr Well-Known Member

    Move on should be the best option for you. You need to find a better partner for yourself. And dating apps can be the perfect option for you. Just read these iamnaughty reviews to learn more about the platform and why you need to try it. I'm sure that you will end up liking it eventually. Good luck.
     
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