~~~~~OUR STORIES~~~~~~

We have a lot of people who read our boards for support. Some are members now because of their own losses. Some of us have been here for awhile. I would like to start this thread so that those of us, who wish to share, can tell our stories for those who are relatively new or who are visiting this board. I will start...

I went to the bathroom and noticed that I was spotting. I was 20 weeks pregnant. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with placenta previa through ultrasound. I was put on bedrest for a couple of days. I went back to work and felt some cramping on my right side so I went back to the doctor. I was still bleeding. He put me back on bed rest. On Mother's Day, I sneezed and I began gushing out blood. We went back to the ER, this time they admitted me. I was about 21W. I was hospitalized. The doctors did not seem too concerned. I was in the hospital for a week, then I was released for bedrest at home. I got up that night to go to the bathroom and passed the ugliest clot I had ever seen (little did I know that this was part of the mucos membrane). We went back to the hospital - I was readmitted and slept in L/D. That night I got up to go to the bathroom and could feel like something was running down my leg. But I could not see it, so I felt like I was imagining something. The bleeding had stopped. I was relieved. I told my OB that I felt something weird and he decided to check me. When he examined me, I was 3 cm dilated. They laid me in stretcher, hips higher than head and wheeled me back to L/D. They scheduled the OR to attempt an emergency cerclage. I never prayed so hard in my life. I was wheeled up to the OR, given a spinal, and then my OB began to do his thing. However, when he checked me - I was 9 1/2 cm dilated and the bag of water was buldging into the birth canal. It was too late. I tried to be brave.

An hour later, my OB finished breaking the waters and I delivered Zachary, breech. I had some cramps but no labor. The dilation of my cervix was painless.

Zachary lived for an hour. He was so beautiful. Tiny fingers, toes, and a few attempts to breath but he couldn't. He was bruised from his birth and his eyes were fused shut still. He was born at 22W5D, he weight 1 lb 1 oz and was 12 inches long.

He was a beautiful baby and I miss him very much. I have an incompetent cervix (which was sewed shut in my twin pregnancy) ... I blamed myself for his early departure from earth for years. I guess a part of me hated me if that makes sense. I did go to a professional counselor to get help and I am thankful for that.

I miss my son very much and I wonder about him every day. I only knew him momentarily but I have to say he was one of the great loves of my life.

 

Laura I think that is the first time I have heard your story. I knew you had an IC but never heard your story. Big ((((hugs)))) to you.

I was hoping my story was still on here but it is not

I was 20 weeks pregnant with Jimmy when I had cramping all day. I felt like I had to use the restroom and did not think much of it. When I went to the restroom the amniotic sack was bulging ( I was at work) and I was waiting for someone else to come in the bathroom so they could call for help. I had to push the sack back into my body and call Devon. We rushed to the er where 2 emergency cerclages were attempted and failed. I delivered Jimmy the next day. He was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen and looked just like his daddy.

There is not one day that goes by where I do not think of him

 

I also wanted to add like Laura I was diagnosed with an Incompetant Cervix. I dialated with little pain and once I was dialated there was no going back.

I got pregnant 4 months later with the girls. I had my first u/s at 6 weeks where we only saw one heartbeat. I had severe bleeding and went back to the er at 8 weeks where we saw I was having twins. For the rest of the pregnancy we were very guarded and I had a cerclage placed at 15 weeks. The remainder of my pregnancy I was on modified bedrest till 32 weeks when I was admitted into the maternity ward and had my cerclage removed. I held out for 2 more weeks and delivered vaginally Allison at 9:00 am and Zoe (breech) at 9:02am. They were monitored in teh NICU for 10 days and are now 3 1/2 years old.

I hope that one day there will be some sort of diagnosis of an IC before it happens

 

May 22nd, 2005 was the worst day of our lives. That morning had started out normal, got up, made breakfast, got ready for church. We had a visiting preacher, he asked everyone a question, he asked "what will it take for you to turn your life to God, will it take you having to bury a child?". Instinctively, I touched my stomach and realized that Kaitlyn had not moved that day...you could set a watch by that child...that is when the fear crept into my heart. I sat there shaking my stomach, thinking this would surely wake her up. We left church to go out to lunch, again I was thinking surely she will wake up. We got home and I ate a triple chocolate cupcake, and still nothing. I drank a soda, went upstairs, and laid on my left side...still nothing. Finally I came downstairs, got onto the computer and asked some friends what to do while my dh made me a cup of coffee (Im not a coffee drinker, but at this point I was desperate for my little girl to wake up). The very first response said that any change in movement warranted a trip to L&D. Finally I told dh to get our son ready because we were going to the hospital. We dropped him off with our inlaws at church and off we went to L&D. We got there and they hooked me up to the moniters, a new nurse picked up a heartbeat and said Kaitlyn was fine, we let out a sigh of relief, next thing I knew two nurses came rushing in and said that was my heartbeat. I started to cry, the nurses and dh tried to calm me saying sometimes babies just hide, but I knew the truth, my baby was gone. The doctor was called, an ultrasound machine was brought in. My doctor started the ultrasound and there was my baby girl lifeless inside me. Those words, "I'm sorry Cassandra" replay in my head day after day. I have a previous vertical incission on my uterus so I had to have a c-section. We called family, my inlaws brought in my son, all the while my husband and I just cried, this couldnt be happening. We left the hospital to get our things just to return an hour later for a c-section. Right before Kaitlyn was delivered I looked up into the overhead light and realized that I could see the reflection of what they were doing, I saw as my little girl was brought silently into this world, I saw them lay her on my stomach as they cut her lifeline to me, little did I know that it was that lifeline, that umbilical cord, that took my angels life. I told my dh that she had dark hair just like us. They cleaned her up, brought her by my side so I could kiss her before they took her away to wiegh her. She was born at 27 weeks 4 days at 9:55pm on May 22, 2005. Kaitlyn was 1 lb 14 oz and 15 1/4 inches long....she looked like me. I held her for awhile, this I will cherish forever. Kaitlyn Victoria was laid to rest on May 27th at 10am.

Six months after Kaitlyn died, I found out something I had known all along. I had a doppler study during an ultrasound just 6 days before she died....the techs acted funny, asking questions that were not normal, I knew something was wrong. I asked my doctors about that ultrasound 3 days later where they assured me that nothing was wrong, 3 days after that is when she died. Now I have that ultrasound report that proves that something was wrong and they knew it. There was a blood clot in the umbilical cord that had been restricting the blood flow. Kaitlyn died from a clot, hemorhage and rupture of the umbilical cord, her lifeline to me is what took her life

 

I copied and pasted this from my boys' website:

For three years, Chad and I have been trying to get pregnant. We tried Clomid for many, many cycles. We finally went to a fertility specialist in Birmingham,AL. I had laparoscopy surgery done to see if they could find anything wrong. He did find a mild case of endometriosis, but said that was not the problem. We were still faced with unexplained infertility. We then tried injections with an IUI (intrauterine Insenination) cycle. It did not work. We tried it again September 2003. This time it took. We found out at six weeks of pregnancy that we were having triplets. My doctor had been doing this for twenty-six years and only had three sets of triplets. The pregnancy was going great. We went to a maternal-fetal specialist in Jackson (Dr. Perry) around 16 weeks just to make sure everything was okay. Everything was going great. He said to start bedrest around 20 weeks, because most triplets come early. While we saw Dr. Perry, we found out we were having three boys. We were so excited. On January 21, 2004 I went on bedrest. Within a day, I started having the feeling I need to go to the restroom every five minutes. I called my doctor and I was told to get to Labor and Delivery. When I got there on January 26, 2004, I was already in labor. I was dilated 2 to 3 cm. That night my water broke with Hunter. I was transferred to Dr. Perry by ambulance. I was at the Baptist hospital in Jackson. I was put on magnesium sulfate to try to stop contractions. It did not work for Hunter. He was born January 29th, 2004 at 8:03am weighing 15.8 oz and 11 1/2 inches long. He was born at 21 weeks of pregnancy. He was stillborn. But he is our presious angel in Heaven. As soon as I had Hunter, they put me back on mag sul to try to stop contractions. They did not want my other two to delivery. We did everything possible to give the other two a chance. But Hunter gave them the best chance of them all. He gave them room to grow. On February 1, 2004 Dr. Perry put a cerclage in (cervix is sewn shut). This was risky for the other two during the procedure but if the procedure worked then Dr. Perry believed it would hold them off a little longer. Blane's water broke on February 8, 2004. On February 11, 2004 at 3:45pm Blane Joseph was born. He weighed 1.3 lb and 11 3/4 inches long. Dylan Michael was born at 5:45pm. He was 1.2 lb and 12 inches long. They were 22 weeks and 6 days of pregnancy. We thought we might be able to hold off on Dylan, but I got an infection after Blane was born. Dylan was coming natural or by c-section. Luckly, he decided to come naturally. After many complications and surgeries, the boys came home on June 11, 2004 (their due date). They spent 18 1/2 weeks in the NICU.

NICU stay: The nurses would say that the boys do not know they are little. They were both on the ventilator for 2 1/2 months, took steriods to get them off of the ventilator, had many infections, many blood transfusions, both had jaundice. Blane got meningitis (which is very serious), but after 21 days of antibotics, he recovered. They both had a PDA (patent ductus arteriosus) at first, but both closed up. Dylan's reopened, but closed again with medicine. Both had ROP (retinopathy of prematurity), but only Blane had to have surgery. Blane had a grade 1 bleed in his head. Blane had hydrocephalus and had a VP shunt put in to drain the extra fluid. They both took my milk for the whole four months they were in the hospital, of course, there were many times they had to stop feedings and start all over again. They were both on CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) and nasal cannula. Blane came home on oxygen, but Dylan had to go back on oxygen the first week he was home. It took both of them a long time to learn to suck, swallow and breath, but they finally got it. They were six weeks old before we ever got to hold them. It was a VERY LONG stay. We had wonderful doctors and nurses that took care of our boys. We would like to say thank you to the NICU staff for taking care of our miracles.

Hunter gave his live for his two brothers. He is always in our thoughts. We know he watches over Blane and Dylan. Eventhough he was too little and too young to make it here on Earth, he makes a big impression in our hearts. He is our guardian angel. He is the backbone of this family. Hunter, we love you so much and miss you so much.

We found out after we left the NICU that Blane has severe hearing loss. We got hearing aids for him in Sept 2004. After the shunt revision surgery in July 2005, his hearing is a lot better. He hears some with low frequencies, but worse with higher frequencies. But his hearing aids are doing a good job. (end of the copy and paste)

I wanted to add something. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my angel. And after 28 months, it is still hard some days. I didn't have time to grieve the first year or so because my other two were still so sick, so I am really just starting to grieve. I know God took Hunter for a reason and I try to remind myself of that every time I get upset. But for those of you that have just gone through this, I promise with time you are able to handle it better. I also went to a professional to help me through lossing Hunter and the boys being in the NICU so long. I also had to take medication. I am not telling anyone to run out and find someone to give them medicine, but don't be ashamed. Also, don't be ashamed to ask for help. The people I never thought would understand does more than anyone else. Something else I have learned, your husband does not grieve the same way we do. I learned this the hard way.

Every single person who has lost a child whether it be stillborn, miscarriage, infant death, etc... you all have a special place in my heart. And I pray every single night that no one has to go through what we have been through.
Brandy

 

It is hard to learn of conception and loss in the same swoop, but that is exactly what happened to me when I delivered my DS Nathan. For me to explain that I had a dual placenta and didn't know what it meant sounds odd. I knew that I did have a dual placenta because the midwives and u/s techs stated that, yet they didn't explain what it meant and I was just in heaven to be finally having a baby with the man that I loved and that I would not leave the hospital with empty arms (I relinquished my first born for adoption at birth when I was 18). Why didn't I research the heck out of dual placentas then? I don't know. Maybe the Lord just wanted for me to have joy with my pregnancy and not sorrow. I just don't know. Anyhow, I delivered my son full term on 1/17/00. When I pushed the afterbirth out there was a nurse they called in to help and she simply stated (upon seeing my placenta) 'oh there must have been a twin'. I certainly did hear that, but was so focused on this new person in my arms. The next day two midwives came in with very pained looks on their faces. The apologized profusely for having me find out like that and said that it was not the nurse's place to say what she did. They told me that we lost DS' angel somewhere between the 6th and 8th week of pregnancy. I don't remember spotting, but DH remembers that I did in the first trimester. I guess that was our sign and I just didn't see. My DS has a huge raspberry patch on his thigh that has never waivered with growth, and I firmly believe it is a constant reminder that he is half of a whole.

 

During the holiday season in 2003 I was so busy with my boys. We would get out regularly to malls for play and such. One particular day I suddenly got very dizzy. That was shortly after a u/s that I had which showed us a seemingly healthy addition to our family. I was 14 weeks at that time. The pregnancy had been such a shock to us and we were struggling financially, so we were worried...but we were happy to know that everything was okay and we would adjust to another pair of happy feet in the house. I miscalculated the pregnancy too because I heard a h/b on the first midwife visit. I didn't call the doctor to tell them I got dizzy. I thought it was just my blood sugar and chasing after the boys. Within days of that spell I got a heartbreaking phone call. The midwives would no longer be with the practice and I had to reschedule my appointment with an OB. I bawled so hard on the phone with the nurses.

On December 31st I went to bed as usual. That night I went to the bathroom and saw something in the dark on my pants. I turned on the light and gasped. My white pj pants were covered in what looked like old blood. I immediately called the OB and they said 'well, if you saturate a pad in x timeframe then go to L&D'. I didn't and they said they would see me the next day for my 16 week checkup. I told the OB what had happened and she immediately did a u/s. That is when we saw the lifeless body of my angel. She apologized profusely. I was heartbroken, in shock, and sickened that I had been walking around clueless for 2 wks. I begged them to perform a D&C that day, but they had to check with the doctor on shift to see. The worst was going to a u/s lab for a confirming view of what we already knew. The OB on duty was able to perform the D&C that day and I was grateful. I just wanted everything to be over. My oldest DS (a twin survivor) still remembers that loss and occasionally reminds me that our family should be bigger than it is. If only he understood just how big it could have been.

 

I'm somewhat 'newer' here than most of you, so you may already know my story, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

I'll share about my first two losses also. The first one happened when my daughter was 12 months old. We found out we were expecting and only a week and half later I started spotting and cramping. I called the doctor's office and she said that if I wasn't filling a pad quickly, then just take it easy and drink a lot. Well, it started getting heavier so we decided to go to the ER. They checked me there and said I was closed, etc. They took blood and we got the results over an hour later, which showed my HCG levels were already down to just 10 to 15. Then we knew I was miscarrying. It wasn't too hard physically, just like a heavy period. Even though it was so early, it was really hard. We were told we could start trying again right away because it was so early on. So we did...we thought "Okay, sometimes a miscarriage happens but it won't happen again."

I got pregnant again the very next cycle...we were sooo excited, yet cautious at the same time, not wanting to get our hopes up. We had ultrasounds very early on, but they showed I wasn't as far along as I thought I was. I also had my HCG levels checked and they were normal and doubled how they were supposed to. At what I thought was 6 weeks, the ultrasound showed I was 5+ weeks, but a tiny fetal pole showed up with what we were told was the first day of a heartbeat! I was put on oral progesterone as a precaution, although I had a nice corpus luteum cyst. We were told to come back two weeks later for a level 2 ultrasound, so we would be 'sure' to see the heartbeat. About three days before that appointment I had some slight cramping here and there, but I read up on it and it seemed it could be normal. I didn't have much morning sickness, though, so it worried me. We went in for the ultrasound and, as she started looking around, we saw the baby right away. I could tell there was no heartbeat, but she tried for quite a while to find one. Then she said "I'm sorry, this pregnancy is not VIABLE." I thought, "How can she refer to my baby as a pregnancy that wasn't viable?" Maybe that's what they're taught to say or something. I didn't see the doctor until a few days later. He did another ultrasound and said the baby measured nine weeks, but I think it was partly from swelling. Again, there was no heartbeat, of course. We decided to have a natural miscarriage. It finally happened about a week and a half later (9 to 10 weeks). The cramping was pretty painful and at the end got to the point where I didn't want to talk during the 'contraction.' Before hand, I prayed that I would be able to see the baby. The doctor said I wouldn't. Well, I actually felt the urge to push, so I went to the bathroom and it all came out at once. I caught the placenta and tiny amniotic sac in my hand, then plugged my sink and put it in there. Sorry if this is a little graphic. It was just so important to me to see how God had started to form this little life. I could hold the amniotic sac in the palm of my hand and saw the little baby inside. We didn't know what to do with it, but didn't feel right just throwing it away, so it was put in the fridge. In the morning the sac had broken and I held my tiny baby on my finger. We could see little arm buds and eyes beginning to develop, but there was still a little 'tail.' We cremated the baby, but spread the ashes later.

I miss these two babies, but it's just a little different than the pain I've felt over losing my girls. I didn't mean to write so much, so I'll post another one about my twins.

 

~I copied and pasted this from an email we sent out the day after everything happened (I cut a lot out of it and added a few things too).~

We wanted to let you all know that this morning, April 15th, at 2:42 a.m. and 2:52 a.m. our beautiful little girls entered the world and then went straight into the arms of their Abba Father. They looked perfect in every way…just tiny.

Caylia Jewel came out first weighing about 14.04 oz. and was 10 ½ inches long. Her tiny heart was still beating for just a little while before she entered God’s Presence. Molly Anne soon followed her sister and was stillborn. She weighed about 10.37 oz and was 9 ½ inches long. We are, of course, heartbroken, but we know this was God’s plan for our girls and they now rest safely in His Loving Arms.

Caylia and Molly's Story

We found out we were having twins at just six weeks after thinking I was miscarrying yet again. We also found that there was a small hemorrhage and I was put on bed rest for a while. Up until 13 weeks it hadn’t been determined by ultrasound whether the girls each had their own amniotic sac or not. Even identicals almost ALWAYS have their own amniotic sacs. If they are in the same sac it is a very dangerous situation as the cords can become easily entangled, risking the lives of the babies. So at 13 weeks we had an ultrasound done where we were told that the hemorrhage had cleared up and things were looking good. We were also informed that the babies each had their own sac and that there were two placentas. Most likely the girls were fraternal. At that point we started getting more optimistic and did some “planning†for our babies.

From about 15 or 16 weeks I seemed to start growing very rapidly and thought maybe this was normal for a twin pregnancy. At our 18 week appointment I was already measuring about 27 weeks…a bit large even for a twin pregnancy. I also had very rapid weight gain…something our doctor informed us was okay. From then on I seemed to grow very quickly, which was quite a strain on my body. At 20 weeks we had another ultrasound and it was confirmed that we were having two girls (a "cheapie" ultrasound at 18 weeks looked like both girls)! The ultrasound tech. seemed a bit confused about the placenta. It now looked like just one placenta, but the tech. said “No, I saw two placentas before so they must just be close together.†I asked her about all the extra amniotic fluid, which the doctor had mentioned two weeks earlier. She did a little measurement and said it could be normal. After measuring the girls, etc. the ultrasound was done. One baby seemed to “show†herself very well, while the other, smaller one seemed a bit more “hidden.†We were told the girls’ estimated weights and when we got home found out that there was about a 17 % difference between them. A bladder was never seen on the smaller baby. The tech said that maybe she emptied it right before the ultrasound or while we were doing measurements on her sister. It seemed a bit odd to me. I knew extra fluid, size discrepancy, and ‘no visible bladder’ didn’t seem “right.†We thought possibly that the smaller twin had a problem, but we were told not to worry yet. The tech. said that if the doctor was concerned he would let us know. Both girls had good heart rates and seemed fine otherwise.

From before 18 weeks I had started getting “Braxton Hicks†contractions, something our doctor said was normal, especially with a twin pregnancy. I still tried to take it easy, though. The contractions seemed to get worse but were not painful. My tummy continued to get large very quickly from the excess amniotic fluid and I became very uncomfortable, measuring larger than I had at full term with Karis. At almost 22 weeks (last Saturday, April 8th), I started getting more contractions and tried to rest. That day and Sunday they did not go away with rest or guzzling lots of water. I got worried and called the doctor’s office Monday morning to see if there was anything else I could try. The doctor wanted me to come in. I was measured to be full term (for a single pregnancy), very large even for a twin pregnancy at this point. Basically, the doctor told me it was because there was a lot of excess fluid. Because of that, the size discrepancy of the girls, and the contractions, he suspected Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS). He referred me to a High Risk OB in Columbia, MO…about an hour and a half from here. However, the receptionist didn’t get me an appointment until the 19th (nine days away). I was told to just take it easy until then. After I did a little research on TTTS, waiting that long seemed ridiculous to me. I called the office in Columbia the next day and was able to move my appointment to Thursday, the 13th. I had also spoken to Dr. DeLia in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, who helped pioneer treatment options for TTTS. He told me to do strict bed rest and to drink Ensure High Protein drinks. So that’s what I did. I continued to have contractions which were sometimes close together, but didn’t seem to be in a pattern.

During the night Wednesday, at about 4:00 a.m. my contractions seemed like they were getting closer together (2-5 mins. apart) and a bit more painful. I also thought I might have been leaking amniotic fluid...and I was scared to get up because I thought my water would just break then. We called 911…I thought maybe they could just tell us what we should do. Instead they came with the ambulance and got me. At the hospital, I was hooked up to monitors for contractions and for both baby’s heart beats. The contractions, though strong, were still somewhat erratic and I was not dilated at all. I was also told I was NOT leaking amniotic fluid. We were somewhat relieved. I was given Demerol to try to relax my uterus, but it didn’t do much good. We were then sent on to the hospital in Columbia, where we were already late for our appointment with the perinatologist that morning.

We arrived at Columbia Regional and I was again hooked up to monitors, etc.. The perinatologist’s office is actually an extension of the hospital, so I was wheeled down from Labor and Delivery ER for our in depth ultrasound. We had that done and the babies looked good, but we were told they definitely had TTTS and were identical, sharing one placenta. A mistake was made early in my pregnancy when they told us there were two placentas. We sat in a small room while the doctor told us about TTTS and answered questions.

As I was already contracting so much due to the excess fluid around Caylia, something had to be done quickly. We agreed to an amnio reduction, where a large amount of fluid would be taken off in an attempt to even things out for a little while. If left untreated I was obviously going to go into preterm labor soon. We were also told about a laser surgery that could be done …so we started looking into that more. However, the doctor told us there were risks with this as well. Molly's cord didn’t look like it went into the placenta very well, so we could risk losing her to try to save Caylia.

I was wheeled back to a hospital room where we waited to have the amnio reduction. A doctor from the NICU came and explained some more things to us about the babies possibly coming early. Basically, the longer we could keep them in to get developed, the better chance they would have.

That afternoon we had the amnio done. Almost a gallon of fluid was taken off of Caylia! Jeff and I spent the night at the hospital to be monitored, and Friday we returned home after we had an ultrasound which showed both girls doing fine. I was still having contractions, but was told that was normal(they were more painful too). At home I continued to have contractions and did bed rest. By evening the contractions became more painful. I tried to go to bed but couldn’t sleep, and by 12:30 it was bad enough that I was having to “breathe†through the contractions and they were getting closer and closer. Why the hospital staff even sent me home that morning, I don't know. I had also been losing my mucous plug all day, but when I asked the nurses about it, they said it was normal from having my cervix checked so much. Anyway, Jeff got me to the hospital as quickly as he could. I again got hooked up to monitors, etc. and was told I was not dilated. I thought “With the contractions I’m having, you’ve got to be kidding me!†As I went to give a urine sample, I had a strong contraction and my water broke. I knew it was all over then.

The doctor finally arrived and checked me and said one baby was “coming down.†There was nothing they could do. So Caylia made her entrance first, followed my Molly.

We were able to hold the girls and spend some time with them. Jeff's mom arrived here a few days earlier to help out since I was on bed rest, so she was also able to come hold her granddaughters. The hospital staff gave us birth certificates with the girls’ little footprints, as well as some home-made baby blankets, hats, and a keepsake box.

I miss my girls every day, and think about them constantly. I feel that my doctor was not very educated when it comes to twins. I had slight signs of TTTS at 18 weeks and he did nothing. At 22 weeks, when I was huge and contracting, he LOOKED BACK at my 20 week ultrasound and suspected TTTS. Why didn't he do anything then?? I know nothing can bring my sweet girls back. I hope that this will maybe help someone else "down the road."

 

I was thinking....maybe we could have a sticky with our stories in it, so others can read them...and they would always be right at the top. Just a thought..

 

I'm sorry if this is so long . . .

In August 2005 we found out we were expecting our third child. I had a chemical pregnancy in may that was unexpected so we really wanted to try after that. Right away i knew something was different. I was so sick and tired and my hcg seemed really high at 5 weeks. I saw a midwife at 10 weeks and i specifically asked her if it was twins and she said she only heard one heartbeat. At around 12 weeks i bled and freaked and when i went to the midwife i heard the hb again so we were relieved. She offered to do an u/s but dh had to go back to work. It happened again at 13 weeks so we went back to the midwife and got an u/s. I immediately saw two circles on the screen and knew! We were so thrilled (dh is id twin). Bleeding happened again the next day & went back but couldn't find any problems. The bleeding continued every night at 1 am; always about 2-3 tbl spoons worth then that was it. New ob said it could be nothing or a hematoma. At 16 weeks it finally stopped. I knew about TTTS from the beginning but after my 18 u/s my ob said i didn't have to worry about it since there was a membrane separating them. Dumb a**! I knew better than that but didn't even push to see a peri. At 20 weeks i had preterm labor and the u/s tech couldn't find the membrane. Then my ob decided to send me to a peri. My referral was delayed a week cuz of the incompetent office staff then Christmas came.

The week after christmas went like this: ( i was 22 weeks along)
Monday - office was closed
Tuesday - i called to get referral info and broke down with nurse cuz it hadn't been done yet and my middle back was in such excruciating pain i could hardly move.
Wednesday - i called nurse and told her i was having a strange muscousy discharge and she said i had a vag infection and was calling out meds. I took the meds that night but i really thought it was part of my mucous plug since i saw pink once.
Thursday - called nurse back and said more mucous and she said it was just the meds doing that. i didn't take the meds anymore to be sure.
Thursday night - had a low fever so called ob on call. he said people get fever when preggo, take tylenol.
Friday night - called ob again and told him i thought i had been leaking fluid all day and still had fever. he told me if i had broken my bag it would be "pretty dramatic" and to not worry about it.
4am saturday morning (Dec 31, my oldest DDs 4th birthday) - i woke up feeling crampy and about 5 took a bath but it didn't help. i also noticed that with each contraction i would leak. dh and i got to hospital at 6. i was somewhat in denial and thought i would just be hospitalized and miss abby's party. When they checked me i was completly dilated with a bulging bag and positive amniotic fluid. The put my feet above my head & my ob got there. Did an u/s and i had way too much fluid (another TTTS sign). My ob tells me i have an IC & will need a stitch for my next pregnancy. I knew that was wrong too. Despite the mag i couldn't hold off. My water broke like an explosion and the girls were delivered at 9:15 and 9:25. Megan was first, my donor and she was alive but of course couldn't breathe. She died in dh's arms. Morgan was next but it took a long time to get her out and she was so bruised. The ob said from delivery but it's another TTTS sign. She was born still. We buried them on January 3, 2006, 4 years after i brought my first dd home from the hospital. Though i am pregnant again i think of them all the time and constantly replay this in my head. All the what if's . . .

I have a special place in my heart for anyone who has lost a child. Only once you've gone through it can you "get" it.

 

My loss was very early, but hurts still to this day. I found out very early in my pregnancy that I was pregnant. I had an ultrasound b/c of bleeding at 5w6d. I had one nice round sac, and a smaller sac. They could not see anything in either sac and told me it could go a couple different ways. They said I could miscarry, I could have one, or I could have 2. I went home thinking the worst. I went back a week later, and we had 2 healthy heartbeats, and another sac with a fetal pole. I had so many emotions rush over me. I was excited, terrified, anxious, and sick all at the same time. The Dr. went back over my prior ultrasounds, but there was no sign of the third sac. We left there still unsure of what was going on. This was supposed to be the ultrasound that was going to make everything right, and we left just as uneasy as we did the week before. I went back to the Dr. 2 weeks later, and there were 3 beautiful heartbeats flashing away on the screen. I was in shock and disbelief. I was going to have triplets. I went from thinking I was loosing my pregnancy all together, to finding out I was having 3. We made so many plans that next week. Started looking for somewhere to move, pricing cribs and stuff, I was so happy. At 11 weeks, things looked great, then I started not feeling right a few days later. I called the Dr. and told him, he told me to just relax and take it easy. He tried to tell me that I was just nervous b/c of all the info I had been told in the last month. I tried to rest, but I knew something was wrong. Finally I had my husband take me to his office. I wanted to be checked. The Dr. did an exam and said everything looked okay for that aspect and tried to reassure me. I was not leaving. I wanted to see that things were okay. He finally gave in and took me to the ultrasound room. He said he was not real good on the machine, so he would try. As soon as he put the probe on my belly I knew. Baby C was not flashing like the other two. There was no heartbeat. He told me he did not know what he was doing, and went to go get another Dr. to help him. She came in and found the same thing. Baby C had stopped growing. She (I feel in my heart she was a girl) had stopped growing within the last couple days. I was in agony all over again. He put me on bed rest, and told me things could go either way again. He said the other two could be okay, but I could loose them also, that it was in Gods hands, and to go home and pray. I went in every 2 weeks from there on out. Slowly baby c got smaller, and eventually we could not see her anymore. Gavin and Garrett are now 13 months old and doing wonderful. Not a day goes by that I do not think of Gracie. She is always on my mind, and always will be. I have family who think I am crazy to be so upset b/c I have 2 healthy babies from that same pregnancy, but for me, there should have been 3. Baby C fought so hard in the beginning. She started out slower than the other two, and maybe she was never supposed to make it from the beginning, but in my heart, I know there will be a time when we are all together again.

 

I found out I was having twins at my first ultrasound. A friend had come with me and was waiting in the other room. The ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly and said oh! turned the screen towards me and said Jennifer, you are having twins. The first thing she saw was two heads. I started to cry, and continued through the ultrasound. It was overwhelming to say the least. I was excited and scared. I had my friend come in and look at the screen and said what do you see, and we both laughed. There aren't any twins in my family so I only had a 1% chance of concieving twins. The pregnancy wasn't planned so it really was very overwhelming.

I became obsessed with everything twin. I joined this group and had pages and pages of typed questions for my Dr. Everything was progressing well and then just before Christmas they found a size discordance of 20%. I was on modified bedrest, I could still work but I had to really start to take it easy. The size discordance continued to grow and on January 7th, 2005 I had to leave my job because my cervix had shortened to 2 cm. That was it I was on bedrest. Well as close to it as I could be. I still had to take my ds to school and pick him up, but aside from that I was on the couch. The swelling had gotten really bad too. I could no longer where shoes or watches, and there was protien in my urine. My bloodpressure was also starting to rise. The growth discordance grew to over 40% and my OB said that even though they were ferternal that because the placentas had fused that it was possible that some of the blood vessels had fused as well and they were concerned about TTTS. Kaden was twin A and was breech and Aliya was Twin B and tranverse, Aliya was also the larger twin and had a lot more fluid than Kaden. Because of this my OB said it would have to be a c-section even if Kaden moved to head first because otherwise Aliya's head would get stuck putting her in harms way.

On February 15th, 2005 at 10;00pm I got a backache. I had read a post a few days before about back labour and thought better safe than sorry and went to the hospital. I didn't even bring a bag. Well wouldn't you know by 11:00pm I was 6cm dialated. I had been seeing a peri weekly at this point and told the dr.s the babies positions, but they didn't believe me. They said they felt Kaden's head, I knew they were wrong. The dr. on call said we are going for natural birth, I told him what my OB said and about the size discordance but what could I know I'm only the mother. The did an ultrasound to check Aliya's position but couldn't be bothered to check Kaden's.

At 2:26am Kaden came out, it was like 1 push. He was so small coming out breech wasn't an issue. Kade weighed in at 3 lbs 15oz. He was breething fine and I was able to hold him right away. He just looked right into my eyes, he was perfect. Then at 2:32am Aliya's turn came. 2 pushes and her head got stuck. THey used the forcepts and got her out but she was limp. They needed to recussitate. She had swallowed a lot of blood and they were suctioning it out for the next 4 days. She wasn't breathing well so I wasn't able to hold her they let me have a look as a nurse held her and then wisked the babies away.

It was a while before I could go see them, I had to wait for the epidural to wear off. Walking into the SCN for the first time was overwhelming. Seeing my babies in their issolettes being afraid to touch them, they both looked so delicate. It was Kaden that I was allowed to hold and feed and initially start bonding with. Aliya was put on C-Pap because she was struggling so much to keep her lungs inflated, and she was having a lot of Brady's and Apnea. Any stimulation would cause her heart rate to drop. I couldn't even touch her. How ironic, I brought my camera in there to get lots of pics because I didn't know if Aliya would be OK. I was positive Kaden would come home first, he just needed to figure out eating and gain some weight. They never told me that they put Aliya on C-Pap, I was still in the hospital and walked in in the morning and she was hooked up to this thing that seemed to cover most of her little face. I knew that having babies at 34 weeks 5 days that they would be in the hospital longer than me, but leaving ...there is no way to really prepare yourself for that. I was released on Friday. Saturday I was there but I couldn't stay all day because my older son was really needing some mommy time. After I left Kaden got sick. They said his temp was unstable. They ended up putting an IV in his head. Again they didn't tell me, I didn't know until I walked in on Sunday morning. That Sunday, Feb.20th, The nurse let me change Kaden's diaper, it was the first diaper I had changed. I wasn't able to hold Kaden just his hand in the issollette. I remember I was feeling so overwhelmed I went outside and called my brother to say I wouldn't be going to church. I had a little cry and went back to the SCN. I walked in and Kaden was grey. I didn't know people really could turn that colour. THe nurse came up to me and said he doesn't look good, call your family. We were waiting for the dr to come and then they called children's hospital, it took 2 hours for dr.s from children's to get there to have a look. They knew he would need to be at a different hospital but they weren't sure if they were going to transport to childrens or to Columbia hospital, it was dependant on if he would need a blood transfusion because those are only done at childrens. THe Dr sounded hopeful, he said he'll just need a blood transfusion, he'll be at Children's hospital for 7-10 days and then Kaden will come back here. liars. They knew that Kaden had sepsis already. He had already started the internal bleeding. the blood was already coming up from his stomach and lungs. Sepsis only has a 20% survival rate. I of course was clueless at the time. I flew out to Children's with Kaden, a 20 minute helicopter ride. The oxygen didn't work. I waiting in the waiting room for what seemed like forever, I had forced myself to believe he would be OK. I was there alone. THe dr and a social worker had me go into a small room where they told me, "I'm sorry, he's not going to make it". I doubled over with grief. I called my mom to come. Other's came too like a few of the pastors at my church. Joe my x was no where to be found. As it turns out he was in the arms of another woman. I didn't find that out until the summer. He wasn't there when Kaden died. After friends and family came I had decide if they should take him off life support. There was nothing else they could do. Kaden didn't even look like the same baby anymore. His entire body was swollen and covered with bruises. There was blood that continued to come out of his mouth and nose, he was bleeding out faster than they could get the blood in. It took a while but when it came down to it I wanted him to feel loved when he passed and not just lying there on a table with all those machines. Kaden died in my arms at 6:30pm.

After I left Children's hospital I went to MSA were Aliya was. Her temp was unstable that day and I remember at Children's watching Kaden die yelling I'm going to be here again tomorrow, he just had an unstable temp, and now that's where ALiya is. I couldn't leave Aliya's side. I stayed at MSA for 2 nights waiting to see if she was going to die. She was in the hospital for another month, March 20th. Everyday I would go and spend hours there and everytine I would take that elevator I would wonder what I was going to find when I got to the SCN. When they found the hole in Aliya's heart a few days after Kaden's death I didn't know what to do. I was so afraid to not be there and so afraid to love her. The brady's continued and we had an echo done. The hole should close on it's own and we know they weren't causeing the Brady's. The nurses would ask me if I needed to spend as much time as I did in the hospital, of course I did. In March the dr. wanted to make room for twins to be transferred in so he released us from the hospital early. Aliya never did make it 7 days Brady free which was the requirement for us to leave. The night we left Aliya threw up and turned purple. If we were in the hospital that would have ment at least another 7 days there. The Apnea did start to slow down. I got the angel care baby monitor to help me sleep and I'll tell you it has saved Aliya's life more than once. She was supposed to have outgrown this ages ago but it's only been sice Christmas 2005 that we have been Apnea free.

I think it was in May that the nurses union went to the press. They said that the isollettes weren't being cleaned properly and they linked Kaden's death to that. THe bacteria that killed him was citrobacter an e-coli type bacteria. (Citrobacter has an 80% survival rate) No one bothered to tell me that it was going to be in the paper. I found out by seeing the paper. THere I was in the middle of the mall holding a paper balling my eyes out. Not thinking staight I called the reporters and asked why they wouldn't tell me! Well 4 papers and reporters calling didn't help my stress levels. Never mind finding out that MSA had given the wrong info to Children's hospital that Childrens never reported Kaden's death to the coroners ( I had to wait two weeks to find out they didn't have to exhume 6 months after Kaden's death) going through reviews and suffering from PTSD.

The reviews for the most part have felt like a joke. MSA came up with stuff like we shouldn't be assing babies in a dark room, and we should have better communication. Duh! The last review I went to Crafty mom came up to Canada to support me. I am so grateful for her! We sat there as they told us they don't follow protocol during outbreaks. They expect that I would be some stupid, ignorant mother who will just nod and say nothing but that has not been the case. I have challenged them everystep and will continue to do so. I promised myself that I would take everystep available to me to prevent this from happening again, and that is just what I am doing.

I can tell you that Babies are assessed in full light now, and they are implementing a structured commumication process. THey will now swab all iv sites of immune compromised individuals where the IV site has become red and swollen. (Kaden's IV site was red and swollen and ignored) *UPDATE - the communication process is referred to as SBAR, that stands for Situation, Background, Assessment, Recommendation. ACORN was also put in place asnd that is the Acute Care Of the At Risk Neonate. as it turns out the Dr.s and nurses watched my son go from having no apnea or brady's to having lots of them, from being perfect to crying non stop. They watched him (as the coroners report put it) "deteriorate rapidly" and did nothing about it. Yes they have changed many things, not just here but across BC, and the hospitals are much safer now than they were, but it cost my son his life, and that price was much too high.

Aliya is a year old now and she is a happy beautiful and amazing child. It took me a bit longer to bond with her, but today I couldn't imagine life without her.

Jen

 

This is going to be very long!

I took a pregnancy test on the Thursday before Labor Day 2004. It was positive! At my 10 week appointment he used the vaginal probe to do the ultrasound and couldn't find anything, so he used the regular ultrasound, the one that goes over your belly, and there we saw a baby...a moving blob! Just one, however! I even have a picture of just the one!

It was at my 14 week appointment that we discovered I was having twins. My OB did the measuring, and thought I was measuring quite a bit large. So he did an ultrasound. He found the baby, and then said, "And what's this over here? Oh, another baby!" He was just as shocked as I was! She must have been in hiding at my 10 week appointment. I was scheduled for a detailed ultrasound in 3 weeks.

It was at the ultrasound at 17 weeks that things got scary. It seemed that Baby B had more fluid than Baby A. Since they could see only one placenta, they thought it was TTTS. I had weekly ultrasounds from the end of November until January to keep track of the fluid levels. Things were holding steady. B wasn't getting too much more, A always had some fluid.

In January things had settled down to where I was going every 2 weeks for an ultrasound. After a bleeding episode in mid-February (turned out to be nothing, but I was admitted and given steroids for lung development), Annie and I stayed at my parents' house during the week. I was getting way too big around the middle to take care of an active 2 year old (Dave was on midnights) and could hardly move around. After the bleeding, my doctor ordered NST 2 times a week and an ultrasound once a week. Sometimes the girls passed the NST, sometimes they didn't because Baby B, Olivia, wouldn't stay in one place long enough to be monitored. So then I would have an ultrasound and everything looked fine.

On Sunday, February 27, I was the Godmother at my niece's Baptism. On Monday, February 28, both girls passed the NST so there was no need for an ultrasound. My dad drove me that morning. I remember being happy the girls passed so quickly so we could go home without staying for the ultrasound. Tuesday and Wednesday were uneventful.

On Thursday, March 3, I had another scheduled NST/ultrasound; my mom took me this time. The NST nurse was running way behind (there were 2 sets of multiples before me). So it was almost time for my ultrasound and I hadn't done the NST yet. My ultrasound tech came and got us and said we'd just do the ultrasound. She got all set up; there was another tech in the room with her. They looked over one baby, said we'll start with the other, Baby A. Mom and I heard her say something very calmly about paging Dr. W., the specialist, so the other tech went to do that. Meanwhile she did all the measurements on Baby A, Josephine. She then told me to sit up, and Dr. W came into the room and told us that Baby B, Olivia Ruth, had no heartbeat. Sometime between Monday and Thursday we lost her. My mom and I were stunned. My OB said we should deliver the girls because of any possible risk to Baby A, Josephine Dorothy. I called Dave who was home sleeping and he came right over to the hospital.

Dave stayed in our room to wait for Olivia and Mom came into the OR with me. The girls were born Thursday, March 3, at 12:52 and 12:53. Olivia weighed 3 pounds 4 oz and Josephine was 3 pounds exactly. Sometime in February the girls had switched places, so Olivia, Baby B throughout the pregnancy, was born first.

I had a spinal for my C-section so afterward I was taken back to my room where Dave was holding Olivia. She was so tiny and so perfect. We basically passed her back and forth until about 7:00 when we said goodbye. On March 12, just over a week after the girls were born, we had Olivia's funeral. All of our family and friends came to say good bye to our darling little angel. It was very hard to see her tiny coffin. My aunt and cousin came and got the small collection of things we had for her and made a display that was so beautiful for her funeral. Olivia was buried with the pink and white blanket I had knitted for her and her ID bracelet that a friend had made for each of the girls so we could tell them apart in those early days.

Three months to the day that she was born, we ordered the gravestone for her place in the cemetery. The picture shows a sleeping angel tucked in bed, and the inscription reads, "Our Angel Forever." Olivia is buried in Babyland with many other tiny angels. For a place so sad, it is beautiful and happy with lots of flowers, balloons, and pinwheels.

We don't know what caused Olivia's death. The peri said it was TTTS, but my OB said they had fluid levels within normal ranges when he delivered them. The autopsy showed nothing, and the cells they had taken to grow chromosomes didn't grow in the lab.

As you can imagine, I was terrified to be pregnant again and we had no plans for more kids. I stopped pumping breast milk for Joey about mid-June, and by the end of July I still hadn't gotten my period. I decided that I had better test, just to be safe, and sure enough it was positive. So there I was terrifed, with another baby due 2 weeks after I had delivered the twins. My OB was so great! I had weekly NSTs and ultrasounds starting at 30 weeks, and he said he'd do an amnio at 36 and deliver if the baby's lungs were developed. Well, Ellie didn't wait for the amnio. She came on her own 4 days before it was scheduled. It was such a relief not to be pregnant amymore. I actually had things all planned in my head for what I would do if she didn't survive; thankfully I didn't need those plans.

On a side note, at my first ultrasound with Ellie (about 6-8 weeks), there were 2 sacs. One held Ellie, the other was empty. It eventually disappeared. There's no way to tell if there was ever anything in the sac or if it was some kind of harmless bleed. So who knows...I might actually get to meet 2 angels in heaven one day!

 

This is really long!!!

In December of 2000, I found out for the first time in my life that I was pregnant. I was ecstatic. It took everything I had in me not to tell the world before I had gone to the doctor and made sure the home pregnancy test was right. I went to the doctor the week before Christmas. The test was right. I was pregnant! We went through all of the little pamphlets in the doctor’s office and filled out all the little cards for Enfamil and Similac and all the other free
goodies. It was terribly exciting.
My husband and I shared our news with all of our family members at a holiday dinner on Christmas Eve. While there was a lot of "Are you sure you're ready" and "But you're so young yet" , everyone was genuinely happy for us. We got lots of congratulations and everyone wanted to know if we wanted a boy or a girl. Even from that early on, I knew we were going to have a boy.
I hit the after Christmas sales hard and got lots of material to start making things for the baby. I made an organizer for the changing station, a crib size bed skirt, a comforter and bed sheets. Everything was perfect and I was so excited.
Then began the realities of pregnancy. I started having what I thought was morning sickness. I would start first thing in the morning throwing up. Then I started having diarrhea too. It started out gradual and then got to the point where I couldn’t even keep a sip of water down. By this point I was approximately 7-8 weeks along. I contacted my doctor just as he had told me to do. He tested my urine and said that I had these things in my urine called
Ketones that meant I was dehydrated. I didn’t understand what that meant, but went along with everything he said. He told me that I had two options. One was to go home and force myself to drink. The other was to check into the hospital and get re-hydrated by IV. I asked him which he thought was better and he said probably the hospital. So, off I went. Scared to death, I checked myself in and got hooked up to the IV. I called my husband and told him what
was going on. As soon as he got off work, he was at my side. All in all I spent about 4 hours lying in a hospital bed, doing nothing but thinking of what was going wrong. After I got re-hydrated (it took about 4 bags of IV fluid), I was sent home. I was feeling a bit better. It was amazing how bad being dehydrated could make you feel.
Being re-hydrated made a difference for about a week. I tried forcing myself to eat and drink. Sometimes it would work. Sometimes it wouldn’t. I was trying to work during all this, but it was becoming increasingly difficult. Because I wasn’t able to keep much down I was very weak. My boss didn’t understand and said that all pregnant women have morning sickness. He constantly insisted that I stand my whole 8 hour shift. I was working as a floral clerk and some of my duties included carrying large, heavy plants to decorate.
My boss wouldn’t give me any slack and insisted that I carry out ALL my duties.
Well, that was all well and good for about a week. Then I had another 24 hour period where I couldn’t keep a darn thing down. Again I called my doctor and again I went to the hospital. More IV fluids, and again I felt better. This time, they told me to stop trying to take my prenatal vitamins and gave me a prescription for some anti-nausea suppositories. The suppositories didn’t help.
I was back again yet another week later.
At this point, I was about 11-12 weeks along. I was so weak from being dehydrated and malnourished that working was becoming near impossible. Because I had to take so much time off work, there was just not enough money coming in to keep the household going. We were about to have the electricity turned off and rent was coming due. I made a desperation call to my mother. At about 13 weeks pregnant, we moved into my parent’s home. My mother insisted that I see her OB/GYN immediately. We got an appointment for me that first Monday.
While sitting in the waiting room, I got very light headed. The nurse noticed what was happening and got me in the exam room. The doctor came in very quickly and I was surprised. She looked me over and listened to what had been happening. Then she looked at me with a look that had both sympathy and sternness in it. She said to me “Are you aware of what this means?†I knew then I was headed back to the hospital.
This time was different though. I was checked in and run through a battery of tests. They took lots of blood and urine. Then I got hooked back up to an IV. Those things had literally become my lifeline. After a little bit of waiting, the doctor came in. She said she had gotten the test results back and now she had some additional questions for me. She asked me some in-depth questions about the care the previous doctor had given me. By this point I was thoroughly confused and scared. What was going on? After a little scribbling in my chart, the doctor laid it all out for me. The tests had revealed that I had a bladder infection, a kidney infection and my thyroid was messed up. It was a good thing I was laying down, because if I hadn’t been, I would have collapsed. I really don’t think I could have been more scared at that point. I started barraging my doctor with questions. “How was this going to affect the baby†and other questions came pouring out of me. She answered every one of my questions and tried calming me down. She told me not to expect to see the outside world for a little while, because she was going to get to the root of my problems before she let me out of that hospital.
Well, they poured a bunch of antibiotics in me and got me good and hydrated again. That first day in the hospital, I finally got to hear my baby’s heartbeat. I was elated. With as awful as I had been feeling for a while now, I had gotten really concerned about the baby. Hearing a healthy baby heartbeat made me immediately reconnect, even stronger than before.
After about a week at the hospital, I got to have an ultrasound. I got to see my baby!!!!! It was so exciting for me. We saw the little heart beating and all four of the tiny arms and legs. My baby was actually a little person. That one ultrasound got me through the rest of the hospital stay. I knew I had a little
baby on the way now.
Slowly but surely I was actually able to start eating and drinking again. It really felt good to start taking in nourishment again. After being locked up in the hospital for three weeks, I was finally cleared to go home. I was 16 weeks along at this point. I was sure that nothing was going to happen to us now. We were past the first trimester and had survived a healthcare nightmare. We were sure to be in the clear. Before I left the hospital, I was given orders for strong anti-nausea medicine and told to see my doctor in her office again in one week.
Boy did it feel good to see and feel the sunshine again. I was feeling so good again that I almost couldn’t believe it. I still had a long way to go on the energy scale, but that didn’t matter to me much. I was up and about. I was helping my Dad re-do some plumbing in the house so the second shower worked. I was helping my mom with a little bit of the cooking. I felt like a human being
again.
After a week had passed, I was excited to go back and see my doctor. I wanted nothing more than to hear my little one’s heartbeat again. I was still pretty weak and my parents wouldn’t let me drive so my dad went with me to my appointment. In the end, it turned out to be a darn good thing he was there.
I got back to the exam room and did my usual little waiting game. When the doctor showed up, we had a nice little conversation. She of course asked how I was feeling and had I been able to keep eating and drinking okay. I told her yes, that I was feeling really pretty good. She said “Great, then let’s take a listen to that little one’s heartbeat.†I laid back on the table and the doctor got
out her little Doppler machine. She started listening. And she kept listening. And still longer she kept listening. After about five or ten solid minutes of searching for the baby’s heartbeat she told me that she couldn’t find it. She immediately said not to worry that sometimes the baby is just hiding at my spine which makes it difficult to get with the Doppler. No matter what the doctor
said, I was scared. I mean really scared. Had I not just gotten through a major medical ordeal and come out with a healthy baby? This couldn’t be right.
Okay, so off I go, with my dad to steady me, to the hospital to get an ultrasound. I get there and wait for what seems like forever in the radiology waiting room. By the time I get back to the exam room, I am almost shaking with nervous anticipation. I get up on the table and the tech starts scanning. Being an EMT and having the medical training I do, I watched the monitor like
a hawk. I knew what I was looking at and after maybe two minutes I started crying inwardly. I asked the tech if she saw the heartbeat. She said she wasn’t allowed to comment. She asked me if the doctor had wanted to see me back in the office immediately afterward. I said I didn’t know. The doctor hadn’t said anything about it one way or the other. She said okay and kept looking around. Then, she said that she had to go get her supervisor. Right then and there I
knew my baby was dead. No one had to say a word. I was smart enough to figure it out on my own. The supervisor came in, looked at the screen, did a little searching around of his own. Then he started in with the same question, did my doctor want to see me in the office immediately. I again repeated that I didn’t know. He said “Okay. Just lay there for a minute while I make a phone call to the office and find out.†Everyone left the room but me and I started crying
outwardly. About five minutes later the supervisor comes in and tells me that he’s sent all the information to my doctor’s office and that she wants to see me immediately. I left the exam room and went to find my dad. He took one look at me and knew something was wrong. He also knew I wasn’t quite strong enough to tell him exactly what was going on. I was just barely able to tell him that we had to go straight back to the doctor’s office.
By this time, it was about 5:00 p.m. and the office was basically shut down. There was no one in the waiting room and we had to knock to be let in. The nurse showed us directly to the doctor’s private office. The doctor ushered me into a big cushy chair. She sat down across from me and my dad sat right next to me, never letting go of my hand. The doctor started talking, but I’m not
exactly sure what she said for the first couple of minutes. I was too swallowed up by my grief. I know she said something to the effect of telling me that there was no heartbeat (duh, I was smart enough to tell that). And I know she elaborated on that to say that that meant the baby was dead (duh, I knew that too). Then we got to the scary part. I asked her what came next. I was so freaked out about having a dead baby inside of me that I was only half relieved
when she told me the next part. She said I had two options. I could let the baby pass naturally, which could take an unknown amount of time and had a danger of me hemorrhaging. Or I could go to the hospital and they would induce my labor. She told me that had I been a few weeks further behind in my pregnancy they could have given me another option, but the baby was now to big to do an abortion procedure. None of the hospitals in the area had large enough
equipment.
Right then and there my mind started spinning. She wanted to do an abortion? But my baby was already dead. How could they do an abortion? It just didn’t make any sense to me at all.
She continued on to say that her preference was to have me go to the hospital and have my labor induced. She said that I could either go straight there or I could go first thing in the morning. I looked at my dad and made the decision to go in the morning. I had too many people I had to tell what was going on, especially my husband. We left the little office and stood at the check-out
desk making phone calls. First we called our friends that we were supposed to be having dinner with. They got a short synopsis of what was going on…just enough to let them know we wouldn’t be there and why. Next I called my husband. I told him that I had bad news and to go straight home, not to go to our friends. Then we called my mom and told her the same thing. Having made the most important phone calls, we left for home.
On the car ride home, I cried like a banshee. I just let everything in me come pouring out. I had so many emotions inside me that crying was the only way I could keep from exploding. I kept shuddering at the thought of having a dead child inside my body. It just made me cringe. It was one thing to think that I had a live baby growing inside me, but altogether another to think of a dead,
rotting child inside my body. That was the recurring thought I had. I also was worrying about what labor would be like and how I was going to give birth to a dead child.
We got home shortly (I know for a fact that my dad did not drive the speed limit). My mom and my husband were there waiting for us. I went directly into my husbands arms and began bawling all over again. I went through the entire story of the day for them and then we all had a great big group cry. Afterwards, my mom’s maternal instincts went into high gear. She totally took over for me.
She made all the phone calls and told everyone the news. She also hovered over me making sure I was okay. We all spent the evening bursting in and out of tears. Everyone went to bed early so we could be at the hospital by 5:00 the next morning.
That next morning, March 16, 2001, we all were up bright and early. To the hospital we went. The car was as silent as it could possibly be. No one spoke a word. Then, about halfway through the trip, I got sick and tired of the silence and started cracking really dumb jokes. I just couldn’t take the silence anymore.
When we reached the hospital, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law were there waiting for us. As a huge group, we got me checked in. I was shown to my room and the process was begun. I was hooked up to an IV and given pitocin to start my contractions. At this point, the nurse came in and started a conversation with me. She told me that there was a special poster on my door. The poster had a falling leaf on it and everyone who worked in the hospital knew
that this falling leaf was the sign for a loss. She said that they did that so no one would come in all bubbly and talking about new babies. Part of me was glad for that, but another part of me was feeling like I had been branded like the scarlet letter woman. The nurse then gave me a folder that had lots of information about going through a loss and pamphlets for grandparents and fathers and so on. It also had information on local funeral homes that either
gave significant discounts or free services for babies. I didn’t want to look at that then, but it did come in extremely handy later on.
After the nurse left, the whole family settled in. I encouraged everyone to talk about whatever came to their minds, baby or not. Thankfully, I don’t think anyone listened to me. We kept the talk away from babies.
After a while had passed, the nurse came in and checked my cervix. No progress. They decided to up my pitocin a little. This little dance lasted for several hours. Then, since I had still made no progress, they began giving me a medicine that was in pill form and was put directly on my cervix to help it dilate. It worked a little. After a couple of hours on this medication, I was actually
dilated to 2cm. We kept that up for several more hours. I got no further dilated though.
At this point, all the medications had started taking a toll on me. I started getting nauseated. I told the nurse and she got orders from the doctor for a medicine to calm my stomach down. When she brought that medicine in, she also brought me a pain reliever. I was glad for that. For some reason, I thought that the mental pain I was going through was plenty. I didn’t feel the need to endure
the physical pain of birthing a dead child. I took my medicines and drifted off into a drug induced sleep.
The next thing I know, I was trying to wake up. I heard all of my family members calling my name and telling me to wake up, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t do it. In my state, it felt like quite a while that I was trying to wake up, but I don’t know what real life time it took. All I know is that when I did finally wake up, the nurse was at my side as were both of my mothers. All three had very worried looks on their faces. I asked what the problem was. They told me that my blood pressure had dropped to 40/10. I couldn’t believe it. I had almost died! The nurse said that it was a reaction to the anti-nausea medication she had given me and immediately marked it as an allergy on my medical chart.
After that scary little episode, things were pretty uneventful. I still couldn’t get my cervix to dilate no matter what the doctor did. We went all night long trying different drugs and different combinations. The next morning arrived and still the same old story, no further dilation. The doctor said she wanted to try one final thing. That “thing†was a set of manual dilators. I don’t remember her actual description of them, but I do remember the pain associated with them. They had to be clipped to the inside of my cervix. I had never before then or ever since felt that kind of excruciating pain. It felt as though someone was cutting my insides with a razor blade. When all four of the pieces had been inserted, it became another waiting game.
At 4:00p.m. that day, the doctor came in one last time to check my cervix. As always, no more dilation. I was firmly stuck at 2cm. The doctor said we had two options. We could either continue this waiting game and see if I ever dilate or we could go for surgery. She also warned us that if we went as we had been
for too long, she might be forced to do the surgery one way or the other. She gave us all the details of the surgery and left us alone for an hour to make our decision. My husband and I talked long and hard and made the decision to go for the surgery. It was a dreadful decision for me to make. I couldn’t even come to terms with my body’s failure to keep the baby alive and now it had failed me yet
again in not being able to deliver the baby. I was in pure turmoil.
An hour later, the doctor returned and told us we had an operating room scheduled for 7:00. The nurse then came in and started giving me medication to prep me for surgery. There were pain killers and anesthetics and things I had no idea of going into my body. At 6:00, the doctor returned and said that the room had opened up now and it was time to go. So, off we went.
The surgery was performed, and I was left with an empty belly and a broken heart. There were no complications from the surgery and physically I was fine. The doctor told us that the baby had been sent to the pathologist for an autopsy. We were fine with that. We wanted to know how the baby had died. She also said that pictures had been taken, but I probably wouldn’t want to look at them for quite a while. They were rather grotesque she said. I was fine with
that. At that point I was feeling so emotionally awful that I didn’t want to have anything to do with this baby.
The next day, we went to a funeral home and made all the arrangements to have the baby buried in a local cemetery. hankfully, they took care of getting the body. We went over all the little details and my mind just got boggled. The two main things that stuck with me were the coffin he would be buried in and that he would be buried naked. The “coffin†was nothing more than a Styrofoam cooler. It made me so angry, but the funeral person said it was the only thing they made that was small enough for the baby. I just couldn’t get over the fact that it looked like something people take beer to the football game in. I also couldn’t get my mind around the fact that my baby was going to be buried naked. I just kept thinking that no one in their right mind was buried naked. How come he couldn’t have clothes? Well, he was just too small. He didn’t even
weigh a pound. I finally broke through that thought process and bought a fleece blanket for him to be wrapped in. It was the same pattern of material that I had used to make the things for his room. That brought a very small amount of comfort to my mind.
I spent the next two days trying to get everything ready for the funeral. I went to the florist and ordered a baby sized casket spray. That was the hardest part. I told them what I wanted but couldn’t get specific, because every time I tried, I broke out into tears. It turned out beautiful though. The day of the funeral, it was my only solace. It was the only thing left I could do for my baby.
When the funeral rolled around later that week, it was a moody day even for the weather. The day started out rainy and nasty, but as it came closer to the time for the funeral itself, the rain cleared and the sun came out. Somewhat of a mixed blessing. The funeral home had done a nice job of preparing the burial site. There were fake grass carpets all around so we didn’t have to step in the
mud. But as I looked around, I noticed the flowers weren’t there. We asked the gentleman from the funeral home and he went back to get them. They turned out absolutely beautiful. There were lots of Iris and buttercups and it was very fitting for my little one. Ever since that day, seeing an Iris will remind me of him.
As the service started, I was proud of myself, I was very composed. Scriptures were read and my mother-in-law read a poem I had found. But as we got closer to the end, my mind started wandering. I started thinking once again how my baby was naked inside a Styrofoam cooler. Once the thought popped inside my head, I couldn’t get rid of it. As soon as the service was over I ran to
the car and said I wanted to go home. I chickened out. I just couldn’t stand being there any longer. My best friend climbed in the car beside me and let me just wail on her shoulder. It was what I really needed at that time.
When everyone was done mingling, we went back to the house. My mom had organized a sort of thank you brunch for everyone who came. We all just sat, ate and talked. Mostly, I just made stupid jokes and everyone nicely laughed at them. It was hard for everyone I think, but it really did help me to have people around who understood what I needed.
The next several weeks were difficult. I still cried pretty much daily and my husband didn’t understand. We got into several arguments, but as time went on, they became less and less. We tried to file a law suit for negligence against the first doctor, but that fell through before it even got filed. The medical system really protects their own. When that news came back, the grief really hit hard all over again.
As time went on, the tears came less often. Still to this day four years later, I have times that I cry over losing him, but I know that he is in a better place. I have been blessed with the opportunity to have identical twin boys to fill my arms, but my heart still has a hole where my first born should be. I am lucky to
be able to say that I am a mom to children here on earth, but I feel that I am even more blessed to be able to call myself the mother of an angel.

 

We wondered if we were ever going be able to have children of our own. After finding such a wonderful OB/GYN, he helped us with my fertility issues and after 2 years, we concieved Isabel. She is now 3 years old and just the most beautiful child with a heart of gold and spirit to match.

We wanted to give her a sibling. So, we saw our Dr. again and we started trying when she was about a year and half old. 5 months into it, we found out we we pregnant. We were so excited and after having such and uneventful first pregnancy we told EVERYONE! We had 3 other couples that we were friends with that were having their babies all within 7-8 weeks of us.

Our happiness only lasted about a week and ended 2 days before Thanksgiving. After DH and I had been intimate, I noticed some pinkish mucous. I kind of blew it off as my cervix probably got irritated. The next morning there was still a bit of pink and I decided to call my Dr.'s office and ask and they told me that it was probably due to us being a little "too enthusiastic" and to do "it" a little "less enthusiastically" in the future. Well, DH and DD came to visit me for lunch and then DH took Isabel to her playgroup at the school that I work at. I went to the bathroom and wiped and it was bright red and much more. My heart sank immediately and I just started sobbing. I told my secretary (also a dear friend) to go get DH and she knew exactly what was going on. I phoned the OB's office (hardly able to speak) and they told me to go the ER. The whole time I kept saying people bleed during their 1st trimesters and can still have healthy babies".

My Mom came and picked Isabel up from the hospital. It was over an hour before I got back into a room. The ER Dr. did and exam and said that my cervix was closed and that the blood didn't look very bright to him (he thought it was good sign), but sent me to have an u/s done. The did and external and an internal one and of course they wouldn't say anything. The also did some bloodwork.

This is the part I will never forget: The Dr. came back to our room and sat down and said "Well, there's no sign of an intrauterine pregnancy". He didn't lead up to it at all, he just blurted it out after giving us hope that the baby might still be ok. He then said that my HcG was 16 and that most at home pregnancy tests measure 25 and above. We had to figure that on out on our own (that we weren't technically "pregnant anymore"). He wanted me to get my blood drawn again to make sure that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy and he termed it a "threatened abortion". I HATED those words. I wanted this baby more than anything and now it was being referred to as an ABORTION. Later it was changed to "spontaneous abortion".

I went and had my HcG done again the next day and I was able to talk to my own OB/GYN who was so sympathetic. He knew how much we wanted this baby and he didn't just pass it off and something that happens all the time. He told me that it was NOT my fault and that the sex didn't cause the m/c. He appologized to me for how the ER Dr. handled it so insensitively. He told me that he would call me in 2 days after he got the results. He did call (the day after Thanksgiving) and said that he was really hoping for a miracle, but that it was down to a 7 now. He listened to me, gave me advice and even told me that he and his wife and gone through this about a year prior (which made me feel that he truly did understand). He told me that I could start trying again with our next cycle and that I should probably bleed for 2 weeks or so.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were extrememly hard.

I got my period with no medications needed (weird for me!) 4 weeks after we lost the baby. It was Christmas and I had taken brownies into the OB/GYN staff and while I was there had started my period. He saw me and I told him and he immediately called in my prescription so that we could try again. 2 weeks later, we concieved our precious Abigail and Gabriel. They are almost 9 mo. old now.

Concieving the twins did not replace the loss that I felt and do feel, but it did help with my grief. I know it's going to sound weird, but I've always felt that Gabriel is the "spirit" of the baby that we lost. Hard to say why. I had a feeling that we were having twins and I even knew that twin A was a boy and Twin B was a girl.

My children are the light of my life and I catch myself wondering how life would be different had we not lost that baby. I am so thankful for what I have and if I had not lost that baby, I would not have Abby and Gabe, so it's a bittersweet thought.

I know to some that my loss does not appear to be of the magnitude as those that have lost a baby later in their pregnancies or after they have been born, but it was an incredibly hard loss for me and I think about him all the time.

Thank you for letting me share.

 

quote:
I know to some that my loss does not appear to be of the magnitude as those that have lost a baby later in their pregnancies or after they have been born, but it was an incredibly hard loss for me and I think about him all the time.


Oh No ... your loss is as significant as the rest of ours...

 

quote:
Oh No ... your loss is as significant as the rest of ours...

Thanks, Laura. You ladies have always made me feel welcome to share my experience and emotions. I can't say the same about the rest of the world.

I just want to thank everyone for sharing their stories. I've learned some much more about you and what you've been through. I've shed so many tears as I've read these and can't imagine going through what some of you have gone through. My heart breaks for any loss.

 

I wanted to write my story before the upcoming birth of our baby girl in the superstitious hope that I won't have to add to this story of grief and loss. The pain I feel today over losing our identical twin boys a year ago in two weeks has changed but is no less acute on a day like today. But the story starts earlier..

We had put off having children until we had moved back to my home state so that we could be near family to have our family. When we decided to try, we got pregnant the very next month. We were scared and excited and had no idea it would be that easy for us, but were so thankful. We're not old, but we're not young, and many of our friends have been having trouble getting pregnant. We became the 'advisors', telling people the things we did, methods we followed, books we read.

At 12 weeks I started to spot. We were going to a birth home clinic that only had a doppler and we never saw or heard a heartbeat, but they assured us that was normal. The baby was 'hiding'. No such luck. They estimated 2 weeks later when I really started bleeding that we'd lost the baby at 9 weeks. It was a crushing blow and very humbling, and we decided to wait a while to try again since my body didn't quite get back on track for a while.

Almost a year later we did, and were excited that it again only took a month. This time I wasn't messing around and changed docs so someone would do an early ultrasound check on me. I went alone since it was so early and DH had to work and lo and behold, Surprise! Twins!! I could NOT believe it. I called my mom, Guess what?? She says, 'You're having twins!' Now who guesses that?? I went to find DH and showed him the two pictures and said cryptically 'There's two!' He says,'Cool! You got two pictures!' I said, 'No, there's TWO.' 'TWO?' he says. We were beyond ecstatic. Our whole family in one shot! Only one pregnancy to deal with! I'm a healthy good sized girl, I can easily carry two, we felt so special, like the loss we'd suffered was to get to this point, to have two at once!

They couldn't tell if they were identical but they could tell there was a membrane dividing them so they gave us the green light for a high risk, but not overly high risk pregnancy. I'd never gone further than 12 weeks so I just took the pregnancy in stride.

We never suffered from TTTS, we never suffered from preterm labor, I had no cervical problems, we basically had the perfect twin pregnancy. I gained a ton of weight, the boys grew and grew and were in the 50-60% size range for singletons. We were so proud, so excited. Our whole community gathered round, gave us showers, clothes, diapers, help, food. I had a cake that said "Kat's Litter" on it. I painted a mural for the boys and their room was ready way in advance with two of everything.

When we made it to 36.5 weeks we thought we were golden. We finally started to relax and realized that this was in fact going to happen. All the appointments, all the specialists, all the classes, we were really going to have these boys! They were so big I hadn't felt them much and went in to check on a Monday. We did the NST and they were fine. We had a full ultrasound on Tuesday, all was well, heartbeats good, fluid good, they were totally squished so not much movement. Wednesday I felt like h***. I swam, but had to go home. The docs said this was normal. I wasn't contracting and was only at 2cm. Thursday I felt like h***. Very normal they all said. My twin friends said they felt like that for two weeks, so relax, hunker down, and wait. Friday I felt great! But by Sunday I really felt uneasy, like the movement was then just shifting feeling, I just didn't know what I was feeling but I felt great physically.

We went in to triage and I started to feel very very suspicious. I doubted everything, I didn't feel any reassurance by DH that they were fine, just quiet. I can't say I physically felt any different than I had been feeling for days, but I just suddenly had this dread, but I knew, KNEW, that they would just say, Oh, they're fine! Just big! Go home!

But they didn't say that. When we got in, there were no heartbeats. On either boy. I still didn't know for sure they were identical and had really started to believe they were fraternal, so that was impossible. Not both boys. No way. Not even one. I don't know what world I entered at that point, but it wasn't this one. It was some alternate universe that was much worse than any world I ever could have imagined for myself.

My poor, poor boys, I had let them down, I was a failure as a mother. I had let the family down, let the community down, I would have to tell everyone that my perfectly healthy boys were gone for some reason that they couldn't determine at the time. Cord accident? Who knew? It seemed that yes, they were identical, and something had gone very very wrong that caused us to lose them both. They were in fact connected, even though we'd never suffered TTTS when they expected to see it happen. Somehow we'd lost one and his brother had tried in vain to pump blood to his lost brother, thereby hemoraghing one and bleeding out the other. We were 1 in 4000. This never happened, they said. They usually lose one set a year. We were it.

The diagnosis after labs was enterovirus (related to the common cold) in the placenta (shouldn't have happened) and virus found in Kai (shouldn't have happened), which caused Kai's heart to fail because of the added stress of being connected to his brother. Then Mason's blood had nowhere to go but into Kai. So we lost them both, at term, at 7lb8oz and 5lb 14oz, 19 inches each. Two big perfect boys.

We induced and delivered them the next day, Mason head down like the rock he was, and Kai breech, spinning like the sea we named him for. They were beautiful, lots of auburn hair, perfect.

I lost all sense of innocence then. I lost so much more than my sons. I lost the ability to see only the good, to feel like the world was beautiful beyond all measure, to feel like at the end of the day, everything would be alright. I know now that life and death can happen concurrently, that bad things happen to good people despite our best efforts, that we cannot keep our children safe from everything. I lost the special experience of mothering twins, identical at that.

But we didn't lose our desire for children, and after hitting rock bottom for a long time, we picked ourselves up and are now 4 weeks away from delivering this little squirmer of a girl baby. I hope with all my being that this time, everything is going to be okay.

 

I too lost my first pg identical twin girls at 19 weeks pg on 1/20/99 due to TTTS. I started to bleed at 19 weeks and then 2 days later my water broke and I delivered my twin girls stillborn. It was the worst time of my life. I was so racked with grief I could not function. Was it my fault that I did not realize how freaking big I was already? I went back on bcp for 3 months to grieve before I could emotionally ttc again. We luckily got pg that June and had an very uneventful singleton pg and Felicia was born full term and pink and perfect. But I must that until I hit viability (all these words we know backward and forwards after going thru all we have), I did not relax the entire pg.

Then insult to injury, secondary IF hit. Ttc#2 took 2 years so off to the IF clinic. Many iuis and IVFs later, we are pg with twin frat twin boys. I saw the best peris this time and they did numerous u/s to reassure them and me that they were not identical and this ttts most likely WONT happen again. It didnt. Very very very happy ending to such a rollar coaster ride into parenthood.

 

I had a fairly normal twin pregnancy, other than a very light spotting at 27 weeks with a few mild contractions. I was put on bedrest, then later modified bedrest after we were getting closer to term. I was huge - measuring 52 weeks at 35 1/2 weeks. I had weekly, then bi-weekly non-stress tests, and the babies were always hard to get both on the monitor at the same time, but they were reactive and things looked great. On Nov 11th, they had a hard time getting Nathan on the monitor, but eventually they got a reactive strip. It wasn't that he was hard to find, but that he was hard to pin down, because he was in an awkward position to monitor lying behind Hannah in a breech position, while she was vertex. Hannah was bigger than Nathan always, but we didn't know by how much because we couldn't get a good abdomen measurement due to his position. He was probably smaller than we realized because he was 3 lbs 15oz, and 17 "long compared to Hannah's 6lbs 10oz and 18" long. So, he was alive on Tuesday the 11th, but when we went in for our appt and ultrasound, on Thursday, he had died. We didn't find out right away. We had to go over to the hospital for a big ultrasound to confirm it, but I didn't suspect that he had died, I just thought his fluid was getting low and we would have to deliver that day (35 wks 4 days). The babies were moving way more than ever before, so I was just incredibly reassured that they were doing okay... When my doctor came in to tell us that they had confirmed that all the fluid was gone around him and that his heart had stopped, I was shocked. Come to find out, the increased movement was Hannah kicking at Nathan, and without any fluid around him, I felt his body moving more than I ever had before.

A week passed while I stayed in the hospital on monitors to check on Hannah, then on the day I finally had asked my doctor if I could go home and put together my bag of clothes for Hannah, I went into labor. I was in labor 17 hours. I never progressed past a 4, so they finally took me to c-section and make a bikini incision to open the uterus. Once they were inside, they found out that I had a very rare condition called Bandel's ring. The uterus contracted in a band around the lower 1/3 of the uterus (somewhat like an hourglass) instead of as a whole organ to push the babies out. Hannah's head was below the band, but they could not deliver her shoulders through it... they had to do another cut vertically through that band. It was a big scare for my doctor... she had only seen this condition once before, and they had to get Hannah out immediately, because she was under stress.

My OB is a friend of mine, and so was the surgeon (her significant other) who came in to assist her, and I heard the tension in their interactions, and my nurse anesthetist began to pray. I work with all of them, so they are all my friends and "family". I am glad they were there. Anyways, Hannah was born pink and healthy, except she had extra fingers on both her hands. The room became totally silent when they saw this, but since my husband, and his sister had both been born with extra fingers on both their hands, too, I just said, "Look, Honey, she has your hands." You could feel the tension leave the room in an almost audible way.

Nathan was of course born still. I had had irrational thoughts that maybe, maybe it was all a mistake, and I had even bargained with God... "God, wouldn't it be an awesome testimony to you if Nathan were to miraculously be healed and live after his doctors/nurses knew he had died," but we spent a lot of time in prayer and waiting on God, and he comforted us and told us that he had bigger plans for Nathan than that. We knew he was keeping him with Him in heaven. I think he has touched hundreds more people through the loss of Nathan than even the miraculous healing of him would have done.

People came to the hospital to comfort us in that week prior to Hannah's birth, and they went away with their faith built up. They came to the funeral services to console, and left with hope. They were forever touched by our son. We have never felt that it was us that did something wonderful... we just fell - right into the hands of God, and he held us through all of it. We felt the true meaning of a peace that passes all understanding. Its awesome!

We were discharged home on the day before Thanksgiving, and I wrote to the administrators of Twinstuff, Mark and Craig, and asked them if there were some resource related to Twinstuff for parents who had lost one of their twins. They wrote back, that, "No, we don't, but give us a little time, and we will start one." It was Saturday when I got the e-mail asking me if I could moderate the Parental Grief site, along with another former Twinstuff member who had left after losing one of her boys. I prayed about it, then agreed to do it. Within 1 month, there were three moms who had lost a baby, and who needed support. Within 6 months, there were 15-20 members, and it has grown from there.

When two other, very special women, came to us after the startling news that one of their twins had passed away, and they would have to carry both babies for as long as possible to give the survivor the best chance possible, my heart was wrenched and torn for them. I had so much in me that I wanted to share from my own experiences. I felt like a mentor, and I was so blessed to be able to share so much about what they could expect, and what it felt like, and how to go about loving their angel baby in the precious moments they would have with them that a desire to create a mentor program for those of us who have faced a particular type of loss to be able to reach out to others of us and really minister to them in a very hands-on mentor type of way. CALL was born from that need to pass on what I had learned.

15 months after Hannah was born, we became pregnant, again. I had a great pregnancy, physically, until I began to have contractions September 3rd, 2005, in the midst of hurricane Katrina's deadly blow to the south. The pregnancy had not been so easy mentally.

I had a lot of difficulty bonding with Jaden, because I had this self-protective shell that kept me from getting too attached until after he was past the gestation that we lost Nathan, and better yet, safely in my arms. In the weeks leading up to that point (I never made it to the safe zone - Jaden passed at 34 weeks and 3 days) I worked so hard to make a connection with him. I had to name him as soon as we found out he was a boy, because I kept thinking of him as Nathan. I worked so hard to give him his own identity.

Sadly, while I had a very strong need to name him so that I could keep him separate in my mind from the baby boy we had lost already, some family members chose to voice their negative opinions of the name we had chosen to call him, and that interfered with my connection with my son as well, because of the conflicts. He now bears the name that we first settled on. Funny thing is that we hadn't been set on having that name for real, until we were berated for our choice -I just needed to have a name to call him in my mind.

The contractions that began at the beginning of September continued intermittently for the next three weeks. Contractions were dangerous to me if not to the baby. Because of the upside down T incision from the previous C-section, my uterus was quite fragile. It would have been a serious risk to go into labor. I had a few scares in those weeks, when the contractions became too regular or too prolonged, but I was doing okay - I thought.

One morning, I awoke early - about 5am, and I felt a pain that I recognized, but to be sure, I drank a full liter of water. With the quick onset of more intense pain, I knew that I had another kidney stone. I had passed a very large stone several weeks earlier, and the symptoms were the same, although much, much worse after I drank all that water... the water was pushing on the stone - very painful. My mother-in-law was in town, but my husband was not - he was on his last trip out on the boat (he works on the Alaska Marine Highway) before he went on family leave.

She called her sister to come pick me up and take me to the hospital to be checked out while she would stay home with Hannah, and our two nieces she had brought over from Prince of Wales Island for a family wedding the night before. It was an exquisitely painful time waiting for Auntie to arrive, but eventually, I got to the hospital and got checked in. They got Jaden on the monitor, and found that I was right, they were not contractions, but very likely another kidney stone, so we settled in for the wait for the stones to do their work. Jaden was doing awesome on the monitors. He was reactive within 3 minutes!

Auntie waited with me for a couple of hours, then at 1020, they got an order for some pain meds, and right then, I felt a different type of pain. It was a thump with a spreading pain that then remained constant, like a toothache, as opposed to the intermittent spasms of pain I had at frequent intervals.

I gasped, and Auntie said, "What was that?" My thoughts at the time were that the baby must have thumped the ureter near where the stone was stuck, and that my bladder had reached the max fill volume, because I had yet to be able to urinate since I drank all that water hours earlier. They brought me pain meds, and then helped me get up to the bathroom to try to pee.

I sat there and struggled in terrible pain for what seemed like an hour, but might have only been 20 minutes. I never was able to urinate, and I asked for a catheter, which the nurses put in for me as soon as I got back to bed. That interval of time is something that I wish I could take back, because by the time I was put back on the monitor, Jaden's heart rate was down to 60 bpm, and we hit crisis mode instantly.

The one regret about that day is that I got up at that time to use the bathroom. If we had seen him going into crisis, we could have acted faster and maybe he would be here today. No one else caused my loss, and I didn't either. I had learned through my first loss not to assign blame for things you had no power to know. If I had had any idea what was going on, you can bet that I would have tolerated any pain to prevent losing my baby -if only I had known!

The pain that I had felt was Jaden's placenta peeling away from my uterus in a complete abruption. A complete abruption is a very rare event... 1 in 100 pregnancies will encounter an abruption. 1 in 100 abruptions are severe enough to need to deliver the baby, soon. 1 in 100 of those cases results in a total abruption, and without immediate delivery of the baby, a total abruption can only lead to death of the baby.

My body knew that it needed to get Jaden out if it were to save him. I began to have serious contractions. They were pumping medications into me to stop the contractions as they were calling in a second OR team (it was a Sunday, and we only have one team on call on weekends and they were in another emergent case at the time). I asked my doctor, "Why is this happening to me again?" He looked at me with such pain in his eyes, and said, "I don't know. I don't know." He was pacing the room as he waited for the OR team to arrive.

By the time I made it downstairs (a half hour after we discovered the abruption had occurred - an hour after it happened), three teams had come in. When they heard it was me, they all said, "I'll be right there!"

At the same time the nurses were trying to reach anyone at all up at the church, where all my family (except DH who was still on the boat in Sitka) was at. They couldn't get through so one of the staff members from my unit drove up there and ran into the church to find someone, anyone to come. The whole church service stopped and they all prayed. They put together an offering and immediately chartered a plane to get my husband home.

As I was transported from the bed to the OR table, I felt a crushing pain in my chest. I was afraid my heart was failing. I prayed, "Dear God, I understand if you have to take Jaden, but please God, don't take me. I can't leave Hannah and Darin. My daughter needs me!" My blood pressure was dropping, and there was urgency in the air, again as I went under anesthesia. I felt my life force slipping away as I went to sleep.

That pain in my chest was my baby and his placenta hitting my diaphragm as my uterus ruptured and 2 liters of my blood poured out into my belly. I was dying - fast. If that had happened anywhere else I would be dead. It was two minutes from when I went to sleep to when they opened me and found this awful thing had happened. My OB doctor at the time had been in practice for over 20 years, and had never seen a ruptured uterus at all, and never, ever dreamed of seeing one as total as mine. The entire T-incision was open and I was bleeding to death.

When I awoke, they were still working on my son. I was in the recovery area, but most of the staff was in doing everything they could to save my baby, but it was too late. They knew it was, but they didn't want to give up.

A little later, they brought him to me. I held my son for 8 hours in all, in two separate spans of time. With Nathan, I had not taken as much time as I needed. I didn't take enough pictures, and I didn't do everything I needed to do for him. My time with Jaden was still too short, but I did everything I needed to do. Dozens of friends and family members were there waiting for me when I got out of recovery. I chose to keep my son with me as they wheeled me upstairs, and if it bothered anyone to see him, it was there own problem, because I was not going to give him up.

We have pictures of dozens of friends and family holding and loving our son. Everyone there was touched by him. It even affected delivery people bringing flowers to see the crowd gathered in my room to spend whatever time they could with our boy. They commented on that when we went in to order flowers for the funeral.

My husband made it there about 2 hours after I got out of surgery, and he was devastated, but also fiercly protective of me. My mother made it there the next morning - the earliest possible flight, and she was intesely angry and irate that we had lost yet another baby at this hospital in Ketchikan. She was sure that they must have done something to cause this to happen twice... It took days to help her to forgive and to understand. The rarest of rare complications all just heaped themselves on us... Our boys were perfect. They really were!

In the midst of all the terrible, awful things that have happened to us, we have had God's hand on our lives. I know that when I think of what could have happened to my daughter if I had been at home, alone when something like this happened. My husband wasn't due home for another day and a half. She was not even two years old, then, and we have a dog door and live on a busy street.

I hate to think what could have happened if I hadn't had kidney stones and my mother-in-law hadn't come over for the wedding. What an awful thing it would be to watch your mother die and not know what is going on. To be alone. Totally alone.

I could have still been upstairs when my uterus ruptured, and then what? With Nathan and Hannah, it was the happiest/saddest time we had ever known in our lives. With Jaden, and what happened to me, it put us right back into the same place. I am ecstatic to still be alive - for my daughter and for myself, but at the same time, I am so devastated by my loss of my baby boy. Its a hard place to be.

Through all of this, I have been in the background at Twinstuff, popping up now and again when I had the strength to offer something helpful, or to try to share a little of what I have learned... even the hard stuff like, "Come on guys, put it into perspective..."

I don't ever want to hurt anyone here, but if sometimes I seem to push when someone is stuck in a rut... its only because I have faced death myself, and I have faced what it is to live, and to find joy and meaning in the midst of awful, awful pain.

Please know my heart is with you, but there is a part of me that wants to demand that others know what it is to choose to live. I could have died if I wanted to that day. I absolutly believe that. Its only because I chose to live that I am here, and I am not wasting my time here on earth. I have a purpose. I try to remember that not everyone has faced what I have, but if ever I seem impatient, please be patient with me, too.

Here in Parental Grief, people have come, and gone when they were overwhelmed by an inability to get past their grief. I have watched it happen, and I have lived it. I've pulled back for a while, myself, several times in fact. That is what birthed the idea of the Life AFter Loss forum. We need a place to be allowed to be happy. To feel other things than sadness. I am renergized by the new forum, and I hope that I will be better able to offer support because of it.

So sorry this is so long... its almost 4am on the night following the first anniversary of Jaden's angel day, and emotions are high right now... I am reviewing and reminding myself of the events 1 year ago. I am proud of the way I have handled my life, and I hope that my story helps some of you.

 

After being married for a year, we were ready to have a baby. The first month we tried, we conceived our now 5 year old dd. Wow! We thought it would be no problem having children...

Four years later, we were still trying to have another child, with no success. We were dealing with secondary infertility. I had to have an HSg done to make sure my tubes were clear; they were. Dh had sperm counts done, and therein was the problem. His morphology (shape) was at 0%. His dr. couldn't believe we had conceived a child on our own, saying she was a miracle with that morphology. So we went to a fertility specialist.

The RE, having done further sperm studies on dh recommended going straight to the ICSI, saying an IUI would not likely work since the morphology was at 0%. He said sperm like that couldn't possibly penetrate the egg membrane. But we weren't willing to go that route yet. We really wanted to try an IUI (not to mention, our insurance would pay for all of it 100%!) Our re told us we had a less than 5% success rate of an IUI using my dh's sperm, but we tried anyway. I also did a round of clomid for the first time then, too.

One IUI was done, and two weeks later, I was pregnant!!! We were so excited and surprised that it actually worked. We beat the odds. Our daughter was so excited to become a big sister!!

Fast forward now to July 16th, my brother's birthday. I was 2 days shy of 18 weeks along, and I had a little spotting. We had plans to visit friends that day, but we cancelled and went to triage. Nobody lived nearby to take our dd (4 at the time) so she accompanied us. The nurse tried the doppler, but couldn't find our baby's heartbeat. I knew. I just knew then... So the u/s tech comes wheeling in her machines, hooks it up and does a scan. The baby on the screen was curled up, not moving, no heartbeat. We saw it for only 5 seconds, and the look on her face was serious. She wouldn't answer my questions when I asked if the baby was alive. She quickly ran out of the room saying she'd be right back.

One whole hour later, my ob comes in, places her hand on my knee and says, "I'm so sorry." I lost it. I cried like I've never cried before. My dh had to whisk our dd out of the room, and the nurses entertained her until my SIL could get out to take her to her house to stay. The pain... over a year later, it still gets me when I remember my feelings that day and the days to follow. I was induced, and the next day, July 17th, 2005, I delivered my baby in the whole sac. The nurse who caught him broke the bag of waters in her hands, and then her face just fell. "I know what caused his death". "His" It was a boy. A son. My son. I was thrilled to have a son, but I was completely devastated that I would never see him breathe, hear him cry, see his eyes open... His umbilical cord was wound around his neck four times. She unwrapped it, and handed my precious little boy to me. Aidan Thomas. He was perfect. Tiny, only 5 3/4 inches long, weighing 9 oz. But he was whole.

Telling Peyton when I came home the next day was the hardest thing I'd ever done besides delivering my stillborn son. She was devastated; screamed and cried like she'd never done before. We were able to give her a nice big teddy bear from the hospital bereavement team, and we named him Aidan Bear. She has never slept a night away from her bear now. He is her connection to her baby brother in Heaven.

We had Aidan cremated, and his cremains lie in a beautiful white ceramic cherub boy angel on a cloud. It has a brass nameplate with Aidan's name and birthdate on it.

So, two months later, while I could never, ever replace Aidan, I was ready to get pregnant again. I was so afraid it would take another year or two of trying, so we started back to the RE. Once more, I did a round of clomid, and we had the IUI done. Once again, we were given a 5% chance of conceiving. Two weeks later, I was pregnant again. It was the longest 8 months I'd ever endured, this last pregnancy. I was on pins and needles the whole time. Even Peyton asked multiple times if our babies were going to die like Aidan did. Boy! What do you say to answer that question? At my first ultrasound, we discovered we were having twins. Wow!! When we were able to find out their sexes later in the pregnancy and they told us it was two girls, I cried. Tears of joy, but also those of sadness. I would never hold a son alive here on earth. But, someday I'll hold him in Heaven.

Now my precious babies are 4 months old, and every day they remind me of the wonderful gift that they are. If I hadn't lost their brother, I never would have conceived them. Does that make sense? I'd still have been pregnant with Aidan, and I'd not have gone through another IUI. Anyway, God has blessed us in so many ways, and He has taught us many things through our loss. The biggest blessing through it all was the strengthening of my faith. I realized more than ever before that He will get me through anything. I am so thankful to have Him to lean on. We just couldn't have gotten through it without Him.

We just passed Aidan's one year angel day. It was a tough day, but having these little girls made it a little easier. I miss him every day though. And my life will never be the same. Despite never holding my baby boy alive, he changed my life, our lives forever. That's Aidan's story.

 

I had given birth to my 3rd son the day before I had my tubes tied.
From the moment the procedure was over I knew I had made a terrible mistake! I started researching reversal when my son was 1 week old!
I LONGED for another baby and also had this grieving in my heart - like someone wasn't in our family that should be I was really
depressed (I loved all 3 of my boys and tried to keep my pain to myself I don't think they know to this day)....Well in early Nov.2002
my period had been late and I had this sharp pain on my right side.
I went to my OB/GYN who's office was about to close. He did a vaginal exam and said "I would do an ultrasound but it would not show me anything I don't already know"! I went home wondering what he ment.
the next day I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test and to my
DELIGHT it was POSITIVE!!!! I was SO excited!!!! later that night the pain on my right side was back so I went to the ER. my HGC was 25.
they told me to come back the next day to have another HCG done!
I went to my OB the next day for the bloodwork - the wait about killed me! it had dropped to 17. I had an ectopic pregnancy. I had to
take some medications to try and dissolve my baby. I had to have bloodwork every day for a long time until finally he (I don't know why but I feel like the baby was a boy) was gone. that was the worst thanksgiving ever! I know that my grandmother is in heaven rocking my baby. Now I am pregnant again and
with twins! these babies are such a huge miracle in my life!
I cherish all of my children and I can't imagine having lived without
any of them. I just feel like my STUPID decision cost him his sweet little life and that will always haunt me.

 

Nathan and Noah's story

After three months of trying to have a baby, my DH and I finally got a confirmed pregnancy test! Actually, five of them..my DH couldn't believe it. We went in for our first prenatal visit at 6 weeks. I was going to a new doctor, since my old one didn't do OB anymore. This doctor found something odd at my visit. During my exam, she felt an extra piece of skin in me...this was the first time I have ever heard of this. I am 28 and have been to two different OB/GYN's and neither one of them have ever said anything about this before in my 12-13 years of visits. I was stunned and immediately scared for us and our baby. We were rushed off to the U/S room. This is where the U/S tech asked us if twins ran in our family and we said no. She
said "They do now!" She proceeded to show us two little flickers on
the screen. My DH was floored. He didn't know what to think. I,
on the other hand, was thrilled! I felt so blessed to be carrying
two little lives inside of me. They looked at my uterus and we
could definitely tell that there were two there, but it was a little
fuzzy on if it was a septated uterus or a bicornuate uterus. My
doctor told us that while it was very exciting, we had to be really
cautious not to get our hopes up too high because we could loose
them. She told us that since they were identical..they shared a
placenta, that they were at an increased risk of Twin to Twin
Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) with the babies and that is not a good
thing. So we were off to a perinatologist to see what we could
find out about the uterus. The office we went to see had a few
doctors there..one was known as the "twin guy" in the town I live in.
They did an ultrasound with their equipment and found that I had two
uteri, two cervixes and thought I had two vaginas. The doctor went
on the look at the babies and told us that everything was looking
good, but cautioned us about the TTTS again and said it was either
meant to be or it wasn't and she would see me back at 16 weeks. In
the mean time, I was seen for bleeding issues..they said a low lying
placenta..which usually would take care of itself the further along
you got...it would move as I grew. When we went back to our peri
at 16 weeks, she noticed a difference in the cord insertion sites of
the babies..we found out they were boys then!! She also noticed
that there was a size discrepancy and a fluid discrepancy. Baby A
had more fluid..they said he was like in a swimming pool and Baby B
was like in a sink. He had little room to move and grow, so we had
an amnioreduction done on baby A's fluid sac. They removed 300 ml's
of fluid. I could immediately tell a difference in the way I
felt..I was starting to have difficulty breathing and moving because
I was feeling so full. This scared me to death though because I was
afraid that we would loose one or both babies..this is what the
perinatologist kept telling me. She said we would try and get them
to a viable age and then deliver them. I always knew they would be
preemies. My husband was really careful to not get too attached,
which was hard for me. I wanted to go and buy them things and he
always knew in the back of his head that things could go wrong, so we
didn't end up getting much. We went back for weekly visits to our
perinatologist and she told us the same thing about loosing one or
both babies. There is a surgery that is possible with TTTS, but
there are only a few doctors in the US that do it and they have a
strict criteria for the patients who receive it...The earlier
diagnosed with TTTS, the worse it is. My boys were hanging on
though. They made it to 20.5 weeks and then I started to have a lot
of pain. This being my first pregnancy, I had no idea what was
going on, so I called my peri. The doctor on call told me that it
was probably round ligament pain and to try and see if goes away
with Tylenol...They got worse so I told my DH we had to go to the
Hospital.
When we got there, we were immediately escorted to L&D, however, had
to wait around an hour for any type of evaluation. By this time,
the contractions were awful. It was the worst physical pain I had
suffered. When the dr. finally came in to evaluate me, they felt a
bulging membrane and as it turns out, I was pretty much already
there. They gave me 2 shots of terbutraline (?) which slowed the
contractions, but they never fully stopped. I was wheeled into a
birthing room and was given an IV. This helped for pain medicine at
first, but eventually the contractions just got worse and
worse..nothing was helping the pain...finally I told the nurse that
she needed to do what she needed to do to make the pain stop it was
so bad. That is when they came in and gave me an epidural. This
finally slowed down the contractions...maybe even stopped them for a
bit. All of the dr.s were telling me that it was pointless by that
time and that they were 95% sure that I was going to deliver that
day...They wanted to go on and induce me!

The L&D nurses were so great and hopeful. They told me that some
women can stay inverted...Like they had me, and the membrane would
roll back up away from my cervix. They said some women had stayed
like this in the hospital for weeks until their babies could be
born. This helped for a little while..I was finally able to get some
rest. In the mean time, my DH had called all of our family in and
they had time to get there for the birth of our boys.

Finally, the time came and Baby A (Nathan's) water sac broke. If
felt like a flood of water, gushing all over. I immediately began
to cry. All of our hopes for holding them off were gone. I knew
that since they were identical, they would both die. I could still
feel him moving inside of me, although he wouldn't for long.

After some pushing, Nathan Lee Wingfield was finally born at 4:49 pm
on January 13, 2006. He was really bruised and swollen, they told me
it was because he had gotten stuck in the birth canal for a very
long time, but it was really because the boys were sick and he was
getting more blood flow than he could handle. Right after him
followed Noah Richard at 4:50. It was the most precious time of my
life. The doctor said that neither suffered. My boys looked so
perfect. Nathan weighed 1 pound 1 oz. and Noah weighed 11 oz. They
both had long skinny arms and legs, like their dad and big feet and
hands. They were so sweet and adorable. We baptized them there in
the room with our family around and buried them with my mother who
passed three years ago to ovarian cancer.

When you have to deal with something like this, it makes you realize how short life can be. I never in a million years would've though it possible for me to conceive twins, much less carry them so long with all of the strikes against me.

 

My DH, Fred, and I knew that we wanted to have one more baby in addition to our girls. In April, my father-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. Fred and I decided, in April, that we would start trying to have our third child (1) because we wanted to have another child (2) because we wanted this baby to have a chance to know his or her Grandpa (3) beacuse in the past two years our family has been hit with one bad thing after another and we all needed something positive to hold onto.

My cycles were irregular so it was hard to figure out when I was ovulating and when I was late. In September my cycle was at 32 days. I took 5, yes 5, HPT's and I got 5 very faint positives. I read on other sites that tests with blue dyes aren't that accurate so I went to Walmart and bought their Equate tests that have pink dye. They both came back negative. Fred and I were heartbroken. The next day I had what I call 'cramps from he//' and my period started. After what just happened I can't help but think that this was an early miscarriage.

Jump forward to October. Fred and I had decided that we would no longer try to figure out if I was ovulating. We'd just go with the flow and if it happened it happened. Based on a 28 day cycle I was due for my period on Oct 14th. On Oct 23rd I finally broke down and took a digital HPT. We were elated that it was positive but given what happened last month I was still very cautious. I just couldn't get to the point where I was just happy. I was happy and very nervous all at the same time. Even more so than with the girls. I really had no reason to be but I still was. I called the doctor and made an appointment for Nov 13th.

For the next three weeks I was very tired. I had morning sickness (which I heard was a very good sign) and food aversions. My breasts hurt and I was starting to show a little. On Nov 13th, Fred and I went to the doctor for my first check up and u/s. Even walking in Fred asked me if I was excited and I said to him that I just wanted to hear the heartbeat and see the baby and then I would be excited. It's like I knew something was wrong. But, the doctor did my exam and then did the u/s. The baby was right on target. The doctor set my due date as June 24.... one day after my 33rd birthday. We got three pictures of our little bean, some magazines and an appointmetn for Dec 11th to go back and have my history done.

On Tuesday, Nov 21st (four years to the day of bringing the girls home) I went Christmas shopping with the girls. I was at the mall for a good four hours. I had been fighting off a cold but other than that I felt good. My Dh was supposed to go out that night so I was thinking what I could make for dinner. And that I would have the girls help me wrap some presents that night. Nothing out of the ordinary. The kids kept talking all the way home about how they wanted to go to Disney World and see Mickey Mouse. And how if we all shook out our piggy banks at Mommy's bank we'd have enough money to go. Then after this amusing conversation we got out of the car. I felt a little wet but no pain or anything. We went into the house and I got the mail put all our stuff down and then went into the bathroom. There was a pinkish spot of blood about the size of a half dollar in my underwear. I immediately called Fred and the doctor. Fred came home. The nurse at my doctors' office said it was normal. It could be the placenta attaching or blood vessels on the cervix might have ruptured. She looked at the doctor's notes and u/s pics from the previous week and she said that everything looked fine. Just take it easy.

I was reassured when I had no other symptoms for the rest of the day or the following day. I stayed on the couch with my feet up but felt ok. Then at 10 that night I got the same pink blood after I went to the bathroom. I called the doctor and he said it was still ok just come in Friday morning for peace of mind. He assured me that 25% of women spot in their first trimester especially in their ninth week. He said it was ok to go to my in-laws house for Thanksgiving.

On Thanksgiving I got up and there was no blood, no cramping. I watched the parade with the girls on TV. I helped my DH get things ready to go. I showered, got the kids ready. Just a normal day. Then around 11:30 or so I started to not feel quite right. I felt extremely nervous and there were some twinges by my left ovary. Still no blood though. We all got in the car and picked up DH's grandmother and were off to Staten Island to visit. In the car my lower back began to ache but I really didn't think too much of it since I had been in the car for a while. We hit a bump and I braced myself. Fred knew that I was nervous and edgy but made the comment that the baby probably said "Whee" when we hit the bump. I said as long as it doesn't say goodbye.

When we got to my in-laws house I was shaking very badly. I told my FIL's wife that I was spotting and just very nervous. She assured me too that this was normal. I went to the bathroom and that's when I saw bright red blood and a very small clot. I knew that this was the beginning of the end. Fred came into the house and I brought him into the bathroom and we made the decision to go the emergency room.

At the emergency room I had to give a urine sample. There was so much blood at that point the sample was red. I showed Fred and he asked that we be seen immediately. They brought me in and took a blood sample to check my HcG levels and hooked up an IV. A nurse came in thinking she was being helpful with the "Everything happens for a reason" and "You wouldn't want a sick baby anyway it's very hard" lines. I never wanted to crawl up into a ball so much before. We waited for the u/s technician to come and he finally called us in. He looked at everything thoroughly and couldn't find a heartbeat. I was 9 weeks and 5 days and the baby measured at 8 weeks 6 days (+/- 3 days). They came in and asked me if I wanted a D&C done. I figured I might as well since I was already there.

They brought me up to Labor and Delivery and the first thing I see is a newborn baby wheeled past me in a bassinet. Talk about something else to crush your spirit. The doctor came in and explained everything and I was brought right into the OR. Everything went smoothly. I was sent home at 10:30 PM. I don't know how I am ever going to get past this. The girls are a great help. They keep my mind occupied and Fred and I know that we can get through anything together. But this has to be the hardest thing that I have ever been through.

Thanks so much for listening to my story.

 

I have read everyone here's story and cried alot. I have experienced loss, but some how feel I may not deserve to post. But I would like to share my story none the less. It was the fall of 2004 and Dh and I decided that we would try for our 3rd. We had to older boys 5 and almost 4. And were were in the process of buying a house so we thought the time was right. We had always wanted 4, but wanted a gap between the first 2 and the second 2. Keep in mind I get pregnant very easy. So we started trying and I got pregnant right away. I had not told anyone yet as I was just pregnant, when my brother phoned to tell us they were pregnant and with twins. I was shocked and laughed. When I was around 5 weeks pregnant I told a few family members and friends that we too were expecting. I was very excited, both pregnancies before went off with out a hitch no morning sickness nothing. Although my second son came 5 weeks early weighing 6lbs 10 oz &21 inces,(bigger than his older brother that was full term)and spent no time in the hospital. He would have been huge had he gone to full term. At about 6ish weeks pregnant I started to spot, immediatly I got worried as this did not happen with my boys. I went to our closest clinic(did not have a local doctor since we moved) and the doctor said it could be nothing, but if you are mis carrying and are very early on there is nothing we can do. I was sad, I just knew something was wrong. I called in to work that I would not be coming in. My boss said it could be nothing some people spot. I knew I was losing the baby, but hoped it was nothing. The next day I was bleeding like I had my period, but with alot more cramping. I went to work that night(i work in a care home) cause I knew there was nothing to be done and I was trying to keep my mind off of what was happening.That was on Nov 29, 2004. I did not go in to the doctors to confirm as everything had passed and I even did another pregnancy test to make sure. I was really sad when I would think of when my due date was and now there would not be a baby coming. I knew in my heart it was my bodies way of saying something was not right. DH and I decided to wait a while and try again in a couple of months. I always knew within weeks of conceiving that I was pregnant, my sense of smell changes and I just know it is really weird. So just after christmas I was feeling like I thought I might be pregnant and after I had missed my period I did a test and it came back positive. We could not believe it we were not even really trying. Then at around week 6-7 I got really nautious and I mean nautious. I had never felt like this before. Then a week or so later I was so sick I could not get out of bed,I threw up for 3 days straight. It was awful, I was put on meds to help with the sickness and it helped. The doctore I saw sent me for an early ultra sound (at 10 weeks) I kept thinking this must be a girl this time cause I was so sick. As I waited to go in for my ultrasound I kept saying 1 healthy baby. I was by myself cause DH had the boys at soccer. As I lay there and the lady is looking for the baby she says"oh there is the baby", I smiled then she says"oh no wait" I satup fast thinking something was wrong with the baby. And she says "there are 2". I lierally collapsed back on the bed, tears streemed down my face. I was in complete shock, how is it that both my brother and I could be having twins!! I left the clinic in a complete daze, drove to my kids soccer apt to meet DH. I was getting out of the car as he walked over to me, and he looks at me and says there are 2 are'nt there. I just shook my head yes, and handed him the pics. I called my mom and asked her if she was sitting down(same thing my brother asked her when he told her of thier twins)and she was like ya why? Then I told her she was no too surprised, all she said was I knew you would have twins too, cause we both already had 2 boys. So when we went to our first OB APT. he told us of every possible thing that could go wrong. He was pretty cut and dry and to the point. Which was shocking yet we were glad we knew all of our odds and the possible troubles that lie ahead. Things went great through out my pregnancy. I was induced at 34 weeks due to my water leaking. They were healthy, but had to stay in the hospital for 3 and 4 weeks due to Apneas and brady's. My brothers twins and our twins are identical girls And their twins are 7.5 weeks older than our twins. As sad as I feel about my miscarriage I tuely feel that it was meant to be. I was meant to have twins like my brother. So my story yet sad has a different ending. Thank you to all of you moms that shared your story. I truely feel blessed to have been able to read about your joy and sorrow. ~L~ Tracey

 

I was dating a guy for about 6 months and was on birth control to prevent getting pregnant. It wasn't the right time for me. I was nannying for Nicole and Danielle since they were 7 weeks old. They were 10 months old at this point. I was taking birth control for 3 months straight and started noticing that the symptoms I was having were worse than just BC related. I was waking up nauseous every morning and then one morning I had to rush to the bathroom to throw up. I realized that I was getting all the symptoms of being pregnant. During this time I broke up with my boyfriend because we were fighting and he went back to his soon to be ex-wife. Well she ended up pregnant right before I did. I found out that he cheated on me with her. So I took a test and found out I was pregnant on Monday 2/21 (which was Gabriella's father's birthday) and immediately wanted and loved this baby. Based on the last time that we had sex I was 8 weeks along. I didn't care if he would be there or not. I didn't need him.

So the next day I went to work and around 9 am I started spotting very lightly. It was getting a bit more as the day went on. Around 5 pm it turned to red. I knew what was happening. The bleeding got worse and the cramps were horrible. At 7:30 pm I went to the bathroom and on my pad was my precious little baby.. still in the sac. I was passing clots and didn't know what to do so I threw her out! I didn't want to take anything for fear that I was still pregnant and would cause a miscarriage. I already took way too much before I knew I was pregnant. My jaw had locked the week before and I was taking painkillers, motrin, and aleve around the clock. I was drinking when I went out with friends. I did everything that I shouldn't have done.

So I was all alone in my bathroom and just passed my baby. I didn't want to acknowledge that it happened. I still hadn't told her father that I was even pregnant. So I went to sleep early and just pretended like it was all a bad dream. The next day I went to work and focused on the girls. We got out of the house that day and were very busy so I kept my mind occupied. That night Gabriella's father came over and I told him that I was pregnant and that I am still bleeding and may have passed the baby. I said it like it was just a normal period.. like it was no big deal. He made me see that I can't deny it. I had a miscarriage.

I went to the doctor the next day with the girls with me. My blood levels were very low for 8 weeks. I didn't have insurance so I couldn't get an ultrasound. The doctor said since I thought I passed everything we can wait to see how things go. If I had a fever or anything showing an infection I am to come back. I bled for 10 days and then spotted for 4 days and then it stopped.

Throughout all of this I just wanted her father to be with me even if he did cheat on me. I just needed him close and he was amazing with helping me grieve. Then he left a week later to go to Iraq for a year. I talked to him a bit until his wife (who he wasn't divorcing now that she was pregnant) emailed anyone he talked to on email. It was like reality. I knew that I no longer needed him and stopped talking to him. His son was born 3 weeks before Gabriella's due date. And I found out that he had a daughter on Nov 25th 2006. That should have been my daughter. He is still supposed to divorce her.. yea right. I've moved on from him but it took a long time because I felt like if he wasn't there then Gabriella didn't exist. He was the only living connection I had to her. I now know that she will always exist because she is alive in my heart. I know that she was there and I don't need to have him hurting me to remind me.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my precious baby girl. She would be 16 months old now. I would have done anything and given up anything to have her here with me now. Because I don't know when I can even try to have a baby it makes it so much worse. I am just longing to have her in my arms and maybe having another baby in my arms will lessen the ache because at least I'll have someone to occupy my arms. I know she will never be replaced but it will be nice to have another one to love. I miss her so much.

I feel so guilty about everything. If only I had taken better care of myself, if only I didn't take the medicine, if only! I also feel like I just threw my baby out. What kind of mother does that? I now know that I did the best I could with what I had but it doesn't help the guilt completely. I just wish I could remind everything and not do everything I did before I knew I was pregnant. It may not change anything but at least I would feel like I did everything I could for her. Until the day I see her I'll always think about her. I love you Gabriella Rose!

 

I have a topic my Renee's story already but, I'll post it here too:

Renee was perfect in every way. No health problems to speak of, active, sports loving, and she had a group of wonderful friends. She was outgoing and bubbly, and could laugh for hours on end if something was funny enough. There was never a bad moment, never a bad memory.

The whole 7th grade in Renee's school was going on a camping trip the last week of November. November 27, 2006 was the day I dropped her off at school, got her settled, and she left on a bus with her friends. I was worried about her the whole week, but my older daughters each had a great time, so I knew that she would have fun too.

December 1, 2006 just after 1:00 I was waiting for the buses to arrive with the 7th graders. Once they did I saw Renee step off of her bus in the middle of a conversation with her friend. As soon as she saw me she ran over and wrapped me in the largest hug she has ever given me. She told me that she loved and missed me. I told her to go grab her things in the cafeteria and get her medicine (she was taking antibiotics due to tendonitis in her ankle that she got after basketball tryouts a couple weeks before) and that I would get the car started. When she returned from the school I called her name and she walked across the parking lot to where I was parked. When she was halfway across her friends started to call her name, there was a car speeding through the lot. It hit Renee and drove away. Everyone immediately began to panic. When the paramedics arrived Renee was unconscious and there was blood everywhere. Many people left, but many stayed to see what would happen. A few of Renee's closest friend were in complete shock and horror, but not wanting to leave.

She was rushed to a hospital where it was found that she had three broken ribs, a broken arm, bruises and cuts, and internal bleeding all over her body, most significantly in her brain. She needed a blood transfusion as well. She was in a coma and my husband and I decided that we should try to make her death as peaceful as possible. We didn't try to save her, no life support or anything like that, and we didn't give her the transfusion that she needed. The only thing she was connected to was an IV of morphine so she would not be in any pain. She didn't speak a word or ever open her eyes again. We were told that she couldn't hear us but we kept talking, just wishing that the doctors were wrong. When the triplets got out of school their aunt picked up Jill early and drove them and Brandon to the hospital so they could say goodbye. Children weren't allowed in, but we figured that they had the right to see Renee for the last time, so we snuck them in.

Her breaths got more and more spaced as the hours passed. We noticed her breathing changed so we all gathered around her little hospital bed, knowing that her time was very near. Jill was practically on top of Renee with her little arms around her sister's body and refused to be moved. I was also on the little bed with them, trying to soak up every last detail about her. We all said our goodbyes and told her that we loved her more than words could describe, and that we were so sorry that this happened, and we lied and said that it was okay to go and we'd be okay without her. Right after we thought for sure she was gone she actually made us laugh through our tears by doing another big exhale. Then something beyond this world happened, she did one last long exhale, and then she smiled. Her relief was so painfully obvious. Jill was still hugging Renee with all of her strength with a little smile on her face, too. We all hugged each other tightly, all of us crying except for Brandon, who didn't know better, and Jill. It was a perfect picture, a moment frozen in time. We didn't move for the longest time, just treasuring our last moment with Renee.

I never knew exactly how well her camping trip went. Luckily they kept a journal of what happened that they turned in for a grade. Renee's teacher hasn't given any of the class' journals back yet, so I haven't seen Renee's. I'm not sure I would be able to handle it anyway.

If Renee did make it after the accident she would have had a lot of damage to her body and brain. I'm almost glad she didn't. She would have had to live a very hard life, and I would hate to see her struggling day after day.

Renee, we love and miss you immensely. You taught us the real meaning of unconditional and absolute love. We talk about you daily and laugh as well as cry. There is no way we could ever forget about you. We can't wait until we see you again.

This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

Renee Adele M**** born onto earth May 26, 1994 at 1:17pm and flew into heaven December 1, 2006 at 8:00pm on the dot at the age of 12 years, 6 months, and 5 days.

 

It was a regular Sunday. Ok, maybe not REGULAR...the Bears were playing for the NFC championship. Now I am a football fan, but my husband is a BEARS fan. We were watching the game, all of us. Dan and the twins on the couch, and me in the kitchen, making chili. It was a nice Sunday. I could hear the yelling, the cheering from the living room.

I glanced in and saw a moment of the game. I don't recall the score at the time. I noticed the twins both asleep on the couch. My husband gets loud during games, and it was their nap time. I told him that we should lay them down in the crib so we wouldn't disturb them. He took Bryant, I took Finn, and we headed upstairs to the nursery. We laid them down as we always had. And we covered them with their blankets.

I needed to run to the store for a few things for our dinner (OK, that's a lie, I needed smokes). As usual I took one of the older kids with me. I had a few extra dollars on me and decided to by a few dollar scratch offs. Rain and I said in the parking lot and scratched them off. We had a ticket winner and a 2 dollar winner. I went back in, and got 3 more tickets. We scratched them off as well. One more ticket winner. I went back in and got that last ticket. That one was a loser....

We pulled out of the parking lot. The store was is right across from the hospital. There was an ambulance going by with its lights on (kind of rare in this small town), so we moved over and slowed down. We did not stop totally, because the hospital was right behind us. We made the 2 mile journey home. Took us less than 3 minutes.

Our house is visible from turning on to our street, and I saw what appeared to be police cars in the drive way. Several of them. As I pulled closer my only thought was "I bet they have the wrong house", knowing there is a drug dealer directly across the street. I parked at the side of the street and Rain and I walked up to one of the officers. "Hi, I'm Mrs. Ja****, this is my home, what is the problem?"

And my world ended.

He said "ma'am, you need to go inside. There was something wrong with your baby and he has been taken to the hospital." I may have asked which baby, I really don't remember.

I actually remember very little after that. Very little. I remember parking in the handicapped (something I never do) at the hospital but I don't remember who drove, me or my husband. I remember walking in the front of the ER. I remember them rushing us back to a room. I don't remember what they said, or who said it.

I remember someone told me they tried everything they could, I remember them telling me my baby was dead. I remember going into the room they had him in. I remember him blue and cold. I remember having to walk outside, and wanting to be sick. I remember the very young officer who my husband told me was first on the scene come to the hospital to tell me how sorry he was.

I remember it was the worst day of my life.

 

Judie :hug99:

 

I jsut realized that I haven't posted my story yet:

I got pregnant with Adam when W&I were just 8 months old. I went in for a normal u/s at 9 weeks to confirm pregnancy and get a due date. THen I went back a month laster (13 weeks) and everything was fine. There was a strong heartbeat and everything seemed normal. Then I went back to the Dr at 17 weeks for a "normal" check-up and the nurse could not find a heartbeat witht he Doppler. So the Dr came in and tried and still couldn't find one. I knew thent aht something was wrong.

The Dr wanted to do an u/s...and still there was nothing. I knew then that he was gone! She told me "I'm very sorry but there is no heartbeat." First thing I start blaming myself. What did I do wrong? What didn't I do right? She assured me that there was nothing that I did or didn't do that caused this...sometimes it jsut happens. Right away I called DH and told him that there was no heartbeat and to come right then to the Drs office (he worked abt 15 minutes away...but it seemed like hours). The Dr sent me across the street to the hospital to get a more detailed u/s and then I came back to her to discuss my options. She told me that I could either wait it out a couple days and let the misscarriage happen on its own, or go ahead and have the d&c. All I could think about was my babies at home (a friend was babysitting for my Dr's appt) and realized that there was no way emotionally that I could handle that happeneing at home while I was taking care of 2--11.5 month old babies. SO I opted to have the d&c done.

I was admitted to the hospital and the had to induce me with some medication. After a couple hours, he as born and then they took me off to the OR for the d&c. I stayed that one night at the hospital so they could observe me and went home around noont he next day.

The hardest part was being on the L&D floor of the hospital around all of those women having babies...live full-term babies...and I had to leave in a wheelchair empty-handed!! :cray::cray::cray:

I had convinced myself that I would NEVER get pregnant again. I didn't want to be hurt again. And still...even though the Dr told me it wasn't my fault...I still felt guilty for letting something happen to my baby. SHe told me that most likely it was genetic or chromasonal and that if he had been born later on, he probably would have had serious developmental and mental issues.

We knew right away that we wanted to name him...so we named him Adam Zacheriah.
DH told me that if and when Iw as ready to try again, to let him know...and that he understood if I never wanted to have another baby. I decided in April taht I was ready to try again and got pregnant just one month later with Grant. I feared my whole pregnancy with him that something would go wrong, but everything was perfect and today I have a happy healthy 3 year old little boy.

I will never forget my little Adam. He is always in my heart and always on my mind.

 

I guess I never posted my story here, so here it goes.

We went for my first appt with our new O/B thinking we were about 15 weeks. It was on a Thursday and they couldnt find a heartbeat, so they sent us for an U/S on Monday. I was teasing my DH all week that it was twins, I had dreamt we were having twins. So Monday we went to our appt, the tech started looking and said, I cant get a clear pic, so we will have to do vaginal, but before we do, I should tell you what I saw. Our hearts sunk. She said, there are two sacs! Ha Ha, we were both in disbelief, I knew it. The next day the Office nurse coordinator called and went over the "twin" procedures. We went for our Level II and everything was perfect. Our boy and girl looked great. I looked great. All the tests came back great. Ok skip to the end....


We saw the doctor on Wednesday 2/7 and everything was great, so we thought. She didnt do an u/s or internal check like she was supposed to, she said she was too busy.- and now I wish she had. On Thursday morning, I went to the lab to do my 1 hour glucose. They babies were going crazy kicking. On my way to work, I stopped home to go potty, and the baby A's sack started to come out. I stopped immediately and it went back in and my Husband rushed me to L&D. When we got there, the oncall for my OB said I was completely dialated and my cervix had given out. There was no hope. She took us to our room, then checked me again, and I was only 4 cm. Within minutes, she had broken the water for Baby A (William) and inserted some pills to make me contract AND LEFT!!!!. I delivered William by myself with my husband at 11:42am and only lived a few short minutes. The nurse removed him and called the doctor. She said it would all take several hours and Baby B was still very high, but there was no way to save her since my cervix was open and she already inserted the pills, AND LEFT AGAIN!!!!!! Audrey was born at 11:56 am by myself and my husband and was alive and kicking, we called the nurse and she called the doctor again. Audrey lived for over 2 hours. They did nothing for her since she was only 21 weeks. We held both of them until late that evening until they had to discharge me. I went back to the o/b at one week to "talk" because they gave me drugs to help me sleep. The midwife and nurse coordinator pretty much admitted wrong doing, but since they worked there....you know. I went for my check up with a new O/B. she was amazed at what happened. She had all my records and the hospital and said it was grave neglegence. We discussed a game plan for the next one(or more) and we were given the ok to start trying in two months. So far we havent "tried" yet, but were not preventing anything.

Having a funeral for my babies is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

We had to get the O/B and hospital records for our lawyer. We hired a lawyer because we were not the first people to have this type of problem with that O/B's office and I dont want it to happen to anybody else. We wanted a permanent mark on their record. Boy was it hard to read those papers, but in the 20 minutes it took to get upstairs, my cervix went from being fully dialated to less than 3 cm. It was stopping and she induced it.

When I spoke to our lawyer recently - and he told me that he sent a letter to the hospital demanding full records. apparently - they left some stuff out of the copies they gave me. He was NOT happy. Today I would be 35 weeks pregnant. My babies, had they been given the chance - would have been 3 months, 1 week and 1 day.

We are going to try again... I keep dreaming the next batch are triplets (scary since I had the twins dream) but we will be happy to love as many as God gives us.

 

I was 8 weeks pregnant when I found out we were having twins. I was shocked and excited all at once. The pregnancy progressed without complications. Then, on May 10th, 2007 I woke up feeling terrible. I was 21 weeks and figured it was just normal discomfort. I went to the bathroom and noticed a little bit of blood. I called my doc and she told me to take it easy. My neck was really sore so I went to the chiropractor to get it adjusted. I went to the bathroom before we left the office and lost my mucus plug. I went to the doctor and they checked me and sent me straight to the hospital. Once there they checked me and told me that the sac of the first twin was already bulging into the birth canal. The doctor said he could feel his legs and that there was nothing they could do except let things progress. He expected me to deliver before midnight. Well 7am came and still nothing. A high risk doctor from a better equipped hospital came and did an ultrasound and said she wanted to find out why I had gone into labor so early. She had me transferred to the other hospital and ordered an amnio to check for infection. Both babies had an infection and it was spreading to me. They monitored me and let labor progress. I laid all day feeling the first twin's legs kicking out through my cervix. Ethan Alexander was finally born on May 11, weighing barely over 1 pound. He lived for a little over half an hour and I held him as his heart stopped beating. Then my labor stopped. They finally had to induce me when my temp spiked and the infection started spreading to me. They told me if they let it go too long it would kill me. Caleb Michael was born on May 13th (Mother's Day) weighing just over 1 pound. He lived for about 45 minutes. They were both so beautiful and perfect, they just came too early. They are in Heaven with other family members that I have lost looking after them. Ethan and Caleb you will both be dearly missed!

 

I found out I was pregnant at 4 wks ( I know my body pretty well). My husband and I have a 3 yr old, and weren't trying, but we were just as excited.

At about 6 weeks, I started spotting, and went in for an u/s. Twins we found! We were totally surprised!
The u/s sound wasn't showing 6 wks, but the Dr. told me that multiple pregnancies could delay some development, so they would just scheduel me for more u/s to keep an eye on them.

Of course that news scared me to death, so I did all I could. I found this forum and read up all I could on twin pregnancies. I loaded up on protein bars, milk, and I even took my prenatals ( I rarely did with my son). But I think in my heart I always knew they weren't going to make it.

In my 9th week exactly I started belleding heavily and felt like I was going into labor. I passed a large clot.
I never cried so hard in my life. My husband was at work when I called and I couldn't even form thee words to tell him, I was so heartbroken. The dr. in the ER said it was threatned abortion, and schedueled an u/s for the next morning. One of the babies sacs was gone.

Valentines day, 2007 I delivered what was left, and an u/s showed us an empty womb.

I was a mess for the first few months, and what's worse is I work with infants/babies...and I had twins start in my classroom the next week I was back at work. God promised He'd never give me anything I couldn't handle, and once again He's right. Thankfully I'm doing much better now, but I still miss them and wonder what could have been.

After some funny looks from insensitive lab workers, I got "a piece" of my babies back after testing for closure, and also found out they had some rare skin cancer cells.

DH and I are ready to try again (and not just from the injustice of our loss), so were looking forward to what's ahead.

I am so sorry for everyone's losses. It doesn't seem fair that we should experience these things, but we need to stay stong, and treasure our days as they are. At a time when we feel so helpless (and sometimes guilty) it's the best thing we can do for them.

 

QUOTE(MLH @ Jun 11 2006, 07:17 AM) [snapback]53627[/snapback]
I know to some that my loss does not appear to be of the magnitude as those that have lost a baby later in their pregnancies or after they have been born, but it was an incredibly hard loss for me and I think about him all the time. <BR><BR>Thank you for letting me share.



I feel this way sometimes when thinking about my own miscarriage.... here's my story, or a quick summary.....

In September of 2004, my best friend got married, right out of high school. It was a beautiful wedding and we all had a great time. Well, she and her sister in law both did, they both found out they were pregnant not even a month later, with the conception date being her wedding date! My fiancee and I laughed, and said of course we aren't ready but couldn't wait to play with everyone elses babies. Surprise, surprise, within a week I realized my period was 2 weeks late. I also concieved within a week of her wedding! Jay and I were petrified, but made the best of it. I called my OB for an appt, and got in within a few days we were listening to our baby's heartbeat. We told my mother right away, and she was shocked, but happy for us. Slowly we told the rest of my family and all our friends. We were still working up the nerve to tell his family, they wouldn't be happy if they thought we weren't going to finish college. The second week in Novemberwe had a get together at my friends, celebrating our pregnancies the only way we know how....a huge card game. We weren't out very late and Jay and I went home and celebrated alone....(being intimate....I think you got that though) After we finished, I was gathering our clothes and I looked at the pnties I had worn and they were soaked in blood. At about the same time, Jay yelled fromthe bathroom that he was covered in blood from me, as were our shhets. I had blood dripping down my legs. I started sobbing. We got in the shower and immediately after we to the hospital. The rest is a bit of a blur. They of course found no heartbeat, and were very insensitive about it. Yes we were young, but we would have been wonderful parents and were extremely upset witht the way we were treated. I had already passed everything and had to go back later for an u/s, but my uterus had done a good job of clearing itself out. The doctor told me that it had nothing to do with us having sex, but I'm still to this day feel that it was my fault, Jay feels the same way.
We were devasated, and it was much harader having to watch two of my best friends having their babies, but everything happens for a reason. At the time, we never would have been able to provide a real good life for a baby. His family got his wish and we both stayed in college. They still know nothing about our miscarriage, and I intend to keep it that way. Now we are blessed with being pregnant with two babies, some tell is its the baby we lost is now ready to be born, God gave him back to us..... Its a nice thought, but I like to think that we have an angel in heaven watching over us.