November 8-9 2008

A little update:
On Tuesday, November 4 at about 10:30am, I was having lower back pain, like really bad menstrual cramps. The cramps came every 10 minutes for about a half hour. I thought they were just Braxton hicks contractions. I took a shower at 11am and after that spend much of the afternoon on my couch napping and watching TV.

This past weekend:
Friday, went to the Perinatal office and received a multitude of tests, there was a post about it, but I don’t know where it is now. The one test I wish I had gotten was for them to measure my cervix, but since it seemed like everything was ok, I didn’t think too much about it.

Saturday, November 8, I woke up at 9:30am, was showered and out the door at 11:30am, I needed maternity pantyhose for that day for a Christening party we were going to. DH and I arrived for the party at about 2ish and I was feeling great. We saw friends that we haven’t seen in a while and I was taking it easy sitting as often as I could. At about 4pm I started to get the lower back pains again. They would come and go every 10 minutes. At 4:30 I had one that was stronger than the rest and we proceeded to leave just after that. We had to drive a couple of friends home and after they were dropped off I told DH to get me home as fast as he could cause my pains were getting a bit worse.

When DH and I got home at about 6pm I went and changed into comfy clothes and chilled on the couch still having the pains every 10 minutes or so and they were getting stronger. DH and I didn’t know what to do. WE finally called the Dr. who told us to go to L&D immediately. We arrived at the hospital at about 7:30 pm and the senior resident Dr. on hand did an exam, he sonogrammed the babies and said Baby A was not as big as the peri’s office had told us. But that was OK. Both babies were still very active and moving around a lot. They looked so good on the monitor. My pains were getting stronger, more intense and more frequent now. He did an internal exam with the speculum and I was in a lot of pain from that. The Dr. told us I was fully dilated and that he could feel a water sac bulging. I lost it. I couldn’t hold back the tears. Right away I was admitted. We spoke with the perinatal Dr., Dr. Hanna almost immediately and he gave us some options. He explained to us that if I was 24 weeks along there was a much higher chance of survival for the babies, but 23 weeks was just to iffy. He wasn’t so sure of having a great outcome for them. I was put on magnesium to help stop the contractions, the first dose helped slow them to one every 20 minutes with a small one in between. When I was put into my own room, I was on a slower drip of the magnesium and at this point it was not helping so much. The perinatal Dr. came in with 3 options for us: 1. DNR, do not resuscitate the babies. 2. Try to resuscitate and have really really long recovery of who only knows what kind of outcomes. 3. See how they look when the babies are born and make a decision at that time. DH and I thought option 3 was the best. If the babies looked strong enough to survive then we wanted that option. Now for an hour straight I was having very intense contractions. I was still fully dilated and in 100% labor. At 2am I was given an epidural that killed the pain so much I had no clue when I was having contractions. The only way DH and I could tell was if we were looking at the monitor. At this point I could not advance in labor because I needed to feel when I had to push. Now the Dr.’s said it was just a waiting game for the epi to wear off a bit. Dh and I napped the night away. At some point I did feel the contractions, but never felt like I had to push. They kept saying it would feel like I needed to have a bowl movement and that just wasn’t happening. Then at 10am on Sunday, November 9, 2008 I was given pitocen to help contractions come a long a bit faster. I still could feel when I was having a contraction, but never felt any pressure. At 11am the Dr.’s decided it was time to try and push and I did. My babies were by 12pm. Baby A came out first, she had major blood vessel damage to her head and was a very dark red color, she did not make any noises nor did I see her move. Immediately her outcome was noted as grim and DH and I decided to let her go. Just shortly after that Baby B was born breech and the Dr. said she was too small to survive but thought there could be a chance. DH and I decided to DNR, she was only 1 pound 1 ounce and was just too tiny for a good outcome. We couldn’t bring ourselves to seeing her suffer for a few days then remove her from life support. Our babies looked perfect. Fully formed faces and legs and toes and arms and fingers.

I had just gone from 23 weeks 2 days pregnant to having nothing. All emotions were escaping my body at this time and they still are. I held both babies for a couple of seconds. Seeing them hurt so much. Baby A was named Kayla Rose and Baby B was named Kaitlin Emily. They were both baptized and a nurse took numerous pictures for us on a disposable camera. I finished delivery of the after birth and watched, as my babies lay lifeless while the nurses worked on them. I still can’t stop crying. The day continued with constant watch on me and a lot of family by my side. There were grief counselors and lot of I’m sorry’s. There are still a lot of tears and my heart is ripping out of my chest. Just before I was brought up to my private room where Dh will spend the night with me I held my babies again. I feel it is so unfair that they were taken away from me. I feel that not enough was done by me to help save my babies. I feel as if it’s my entire fault. I still feel that I do not want to leave the hospital without my babies. I still feel like I am carrying them. I still rub and hold my belly as if my babies are still there. DH and I decided to have them cremated. I want them to come home. We have no answers as to why this happened, we never will.

Tomorrow (today) I will be sent home. I will see a finished painted nursery with 2 chairs that matched their bedding that is all in the closet along with so many clothes I have bought them. We even just purchased their coming home outfits. I even ordered 4 boxes of diapers from Amazon. Even the armoire came in the other day and I know I will never have it delivered. I plan on returning almost everything. I know the recovery process will be very long and painful. I will take it easy for a few days and soon try to get back into the swing of things.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no words to comfort you, only to say I am so sorry. :hug:

 

I am so incredibly sorry. My thoughts are prayers are with you and your family. I can't imagine the pain you must be going throught.

 

I am so sorry. :hug: :hug: My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. :cry:

 

I know sorry does not begin to cover it. :hug: I know it can't take the pain away, but I am so sorry.

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girls. I am thinking of you :grouphug:

 

My heart breaks along with yours :hug:
I am so so sorry.
We are all here to support you :grouphug:

 

So sorry for your loss. Remember you'll always be a twin Mommy. :hug:

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girls. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your husband.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. :cry: Please take care of yourself. :hug:

 

I am so very sorry for your loss. :hug: My thoughts are with you and your family. Take Care. :hug:

 

:cry: My heart is breaking for you and your family right now! Words cannot soothe what you must be feeling! :hug: It's not fair and it is horrific to imagine that you are living this nightmare! I'm sorry doesn't begin to help you and for THAT I am sorry!!

I hope that you will find a way to heal and to stop blaming yourself. It won't do you any good to hold on to that guilt. :grouphug: Please take care of yourself and reach out for help. :hug:

 

i am very sorry for your loss and will keep you, your DH and your angel babies in my prayers...

 

I know words can't even begin to express how you are feeling right now, but I offer my condolences for your loss. *hugs* You and your family are in my thoughts.

Jessie

 

I am so very, very, sorry for your loss. :hug: I'm sitting here just crying and hoping that somehow you and your husband get through this terrible, terrible time.

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your daugthers.

 

I am in tears right now. You are a strong mama and with your dh by your side you will get through this. What a terrible thing you've had to experience. Please know that we are praying for you and that you have two beautiful little girls watching over you from heaven right now. God bless you and your family.

 

I am so sorry for your loss! I can't even imagine what you must be going through. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

 

Im so sorry.

 

I so wish there is something I could say. My heart hurts after reading your story, Im so sorry Lots of love to you,Megan.

 

:hug: I'm so sorry for your losses

 

I am so sorry.

 

:hug: I am so very sorry for your loss.

 

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine. My heart goes out to you. :hug:

 

I know that I'm sorry does not even begin to cover it. My heart is broken for you and your family. Please know that I hold you and your family in my heart during these trying times :hug:

 

I am so sorry for your loss. :hug:

 

I'm so very sorry for your losses :hug:.

 

:hug: I am so sorry for your losses :hug:

 

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending P&PT's your way.

 

Your story makes my heart ache and I can't really say anything that will ease the pain of the loss of your little ones. Just wanted you to know that I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. :hug: Your daughters have beautiful names and I know they will be watching out for you. You and your family are in my thoughts. :hug:

 

I am so so sorry for your loss - I know that I can't take any of your pain away nor help what you are feeling right now, but I want you to know that we are all here for support....
:grouphug:

 

:hug: I'm sorry.

 

I am truly sorry for your losses and I am sending positive vibes your way. I know how you feel and the tough decision that you had to do. I know that it is the toughest choice make as a parent. I hope you get confort and support from friends and family during this difficult time. If you ever want to talk about what you went through with another mother who had to make the same choice feel free to message me. Big hugs to you... :grouphug: