Marriage during first year

I've been sick since last Sunday and became progressively worse till I went to the Doc on Thurs afternoon. Anyway, not so DH was complaining how I off all people haven't been doing my share, why do I just work wknds if I'm not gonna do anything all week.

I must say this week I laid on the floor with the babies while they played, or put them in bouncers etc...I did the bare minimum due to fighting a sinus infection, and bronchitis. He made sure others got to school and dinner was made or a least fast food.

We do get a housekeeper to do all major cleaning twince a month and my job during the week is to maintain the house and 4 children and work 32 hr on SAt and SUN. Yes 16 hr shifts.

So WTF.....I'm so sick of his *** acting as if he is the king of clean and working. As if he were the best dad thing.

Anyhow things are getting worse the overall tension, the fighting. Maybe I'm better off on my own with the kids. I financially don't need him.I tried to tell my parents how unhappy I've been in my marriage since the twins were born, I can't hardly stand it. We even argued in front of everyone on Christmas. They think i'll just take him back and waste money by sending him packing. This is beyond therapy. Did you ever see the scene in REVOLUTIONARY ROAD where Kate Winslet is tellin LEo off, thats how I feel right now.

I guess my question is anyone In same boat, did anyone divorce, was that Kate Gossilin stat correct....more multiples fail?

 

you're not alone at all. having kids is a HUGE strain on a lot of marriages. i know a lot of people that divorced within the first year of their singletons lives let alone multiples!

DH and i argued a lot, he works 80+ hours a week so i'm home 24/7 with the kids and they are my job, my responsibility as are the chores and keeping everything tidy. he complains that his situation is way harder than mine and that i don't have a REAL job...so we've fought A LOT, especially in the first 3-4 months. it's hard but if you sit down and try and talk about what you need from eachother in a calm (as possible) way and try and divide the duties (if possible) then things might equal out a bit...also (and i don't know if this is your experience or not) but if your sex life hasn't returned to "normal" or you just haven't done it because a. you're uncomfortable with babies in the house or b. you're just to damn tired and just want to sleep then, in my experience, it can cause A LOT of tension, more so on the husband's part than the wives. i know we can go a lot longer and be happier for longer periods of time without physical intimacy than men can. if you haven't been intimate with him since the kids were born or for more than a couple of weeks this may be a MAJOR part of the problem. it may cause him to more tense then usual, not compassionate and understanding of YOUR needs, shut down emotionally, not want to help out and just overall be a jerk...i know that's what happens with my DH when it's been a while for him. he gets SUPER hard to deal with but when the intimacy is back he's a super wonderful husband (most of the time anyway...lol).

don't worry, i think (in most cases) you can pull through with the marriage it just takes A LOT of communication on a VERY regular basis even if you seem to be repeating yourself over and over again...eventually the two of you will come to an understanding with eachother.

i think the first year is hard on all marriages, IMO.

good luck, i hope things ease up soon!

 

That statistics are true. Multiples put a huge strain on a marriage. Honestly, I don't know how I would have made it through the first year if my husband hadn't deployed. Absence makes the heart fonder. It also allowed me to slack on some days (or weeks) on housework and cooking.

It sounds like you and your DH don't get to spend much time together. Him working during the week and you the weekend doesn't give you much family time let alone couple time. Maybe if you talked to him about how close you felt to deciding on divorce that he would make more of an effort. You could try a once a week date night, even if that means playing a card game or sharing a bottle of wine before bed.

Hang in there! Things in my marriage got much easier once the boys could walk and DH realized how much work it was. For some reason, feeding, changing and entertaining them didn't seem like work to him...perhaps because I did it all. ardon:

 

The FY is hard on marriages and the statistic is true..my DH was very helpful and understanding during the FY (and still is) but I realized that he is not a mind reader and if there was something bothering me, I needed to tell him. What worked best for us was keeping the lines of communication open and trying to talk as calmly as we could. We really do try to share division of labor around here with the children and it works out good for us.
I am sorry that you are going through this :hug: and I hope you and DH can work things out.

 

1.) You are sick. My house is also fighting being sick right now and it's really hard. It's SUPER hard when you have little people to take care of as well as be sick.
2.) Do you want help from him or do you want to not be with him? There is a huge distinction.
a. If you do want help, I would itemize what you are doing daily, weekly, etc, like on a dry-erase board and divvy up what needs to be done that day/that week.
3.) I second the 'spend time together' pp. You need to regularly remind yourself why you are together. & like a pp mentioned, this will lead to a sex life, which tends to make men happier.

HTH

 

I am only 4 weeks into this whole twin thing and I can already see the strain on our marriage. Part of our issue, I think, is my husband's lack of sleep, although I'm doing the overnight shift. We actually fight over who gets more sleep, although my gripe is that he gets more continuous hours than my broken sleep, since I get up all night with fussy babies. I've learned to just not bring up the sleep issue at all and just accept that I'm getting the brunt of it because he doesn't hear them and since he is returning to work, will need the better night's sleep to stay alert and focused.

We also argue of in-law issues, since now our parents are visiting constantly... I know the intimacy part contributes too, since we fell off that wagon during pregnancy and we are still waiting for the OK. I agree that men "need" it more to release the tension... I also think my mood -- the baby blues/hormonal adjustment -- doesn't help matters, since I am weepy, and my husband grows tired of hearing me blame it on that.

My DH and I have gone through some tough times in the past, much of which I think stemmed from our infertility issues -- how ironic is that? -- so I'm ultra-conscious of "checking in" with him to make sure our relationship is "on track." I constantly remind him that we are a team and that I need his support to get through this in one piece.

I agree with the previous poster who asked if you want to be with your husband, or is it just this single issue of needing more "help from him." You can spend time together without having to schedule date nights without kids -- just pick a night to hang out when the other kids have gone to bed and the twins are sleeping. We try to watch TV at night, even if it means less sleep.

 

WAAAIIIITTTT!
Don't throw in the towel yet. I don't know what kind of other problems you guys are dealing with but the babies will get older and somethings are going to get easier. First, commmunicate with him regularly. Do not be passive agressive and he shouldn't be either. TALK, go to a counselor, whatever you need to to but definately give it a fair chance before you call it quits.
That being said, I'm divorced and remarried. I know what it is like to be married to someone who is neglectful of the children, abusive to me and the children and overall worthless. So if your husband is like that, then I support you in whatever decision you make.

 

I agree with mommymeg. The fact that Jim was gone the first 6 months had some hidden blessings. He missed out on the 'hard' stuff and therefor the stress. He came home at 6 months when things calm down a lot. I have no advice. This is such a hard subject (I am divorced from my first husband. I HAD to leave him). I don't know what to say other then I feel for you and I DO hope the best for you and your family.

On a side note. The other day I had reached 'that' point. After dinner and the dishes were done I poured a glass of wine and walked into the bedroom. Didn't tell him what I was doing, the kids were still up. I just didn't care. I went in there with a glass of red wine a book and some peace (Ive NEVER done that before). FOUR hours later I came out and I was OK.

 

I think that after 14 years you really know someone, and I know neither of us is going to change. We are so stubborn. Both of us are Scorpio's and we live in the desert where the heat has melted our frontal lobes, so we're both irrational. :headbang:

For history sakes he's been in recovery for 6 years. From MEth and other stimulants

I left him when all that was going on I took my children went back to school, went from and LPN to an RN. I worked really hard for that. anties:

During sobriety, I fell back in love with him....or it never went away, whenever I dropped kids off for wknds I kept staying longer and longer. Then he started hanging with the kids at my place and staying the night and so forth. :FIFblush:

We got back together officially then he moved in to my house and after years of taking DepO PRovera I got pregnant. Then twins. OMG...what a shock. I actually hyperovulated. 4 kids?

Anyway, he's still clean and sober, but the behavior the anger the and all the other reasons one becomes an addict, are still there.

My co-dependent issues are present as well.

This is just too much I care for pateints at work then at home full time...I'm just overwhelmed...I need just some time to myself. :unsure:

I he and I hada date night I'm labile to get pregnant with tripplets. :drinks:

 

I must add that our BIGGEST fight occurred 4.5 months after the twins were born. The reason I remember it so well was because we got pregnant during the make-up session. Which added alot more stress and sleepless nights. We have been married 8 years and honestly are just starting to find a good groove. That first year...and the year of having the twins were exhausting emotionally, mentally and physically. I am currently reading a book called "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I haven't finished it yet, but so far I find it really helpful understanding both my needs as a woman as well as my DH's needs as a man. Maybe it would be a your public library. Take a deep breath. Grab a glass of wine like Molly did. Maybe write out a list of pros and cons. My grandpa always said to do that about all the major decisions I would make.

((((HUGS)))) Sounds like alot of us have experienced tension in our marriages.

 

Sorry I completely misunderstood your title and thought that you were just married for one year.

 

Thanks for giving a positive spin to deployment during the first year. Sometimes its difficult to see the silver lining

 

Even the best of marriages have troubles with new babies and twins makes it really hard. I like to think DH and I have a pretty good marriage but its definitely under strain these days too. We have 4 kids, 3 are 18.5 months and under so our house is utter chaos and we are both over our limits in stress. I know with our last one things got harder and then easier again as she got older. Right now we are at the harder stage and hoping the easier stage is on its way again soon. If its a good marriage for you and your kids to be in then hang in there, if not get out. Life is too short to waste it with someone who doesn't deserve it!

And good job for getting your RN designation! :clapping:

 

Thanks ladies, I just needed a neutral place to rant without judgement.
:friends:

 

I want to get married to my girlfriend, but our relationship is not even a year old. What to do?

 

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