Looking for discipline resources

So, DH and I seem to be on separate pages as far as discipline goes lately. Our twins are almost 2 1/2 and are definitely getting into the testing limits phase. They are constantly saying no to us, refusing to do things, fighting with each other, not listening when we tell them to stop doing something, etc. I feel like everything we say goes in one ear and out the other. I am trying to use time outs, explain why things are wrong, etc. DH seems to have resorted to yelling, which usually starts one or both of them crying, and I don't think it accomplishes anything. When I try to talk to him about it he says I am just giving in and being too soft on them. I'd like to get a book with pointers or find a website that has tactics we can use so that he and I can decide on a method and be united in tackling the attitudes of these little monsters! I'm tired of the yelling and the crying. I don't want much...I just want kids who will pick up their toys when I ask them to and who will listen when I tell them to stop jumping on the bed while I'm trying to nurse the baby!

 

That is a difficult situation - the parents need to agree on discipline, even if each situation does play out a little differently with mom or dad. Add testing toddlers and a new baby to the mix and you deserve a big hug!

Perhaps you can try communicating to your DH

• that strict discipline can still be loving and quiet/calm (at least on the parent's side),
• that consistency is really important for the children to understand the rules and expectations and
• that you as the parents will need to agree on what matters most to both of you - with a new baby to take care of you will not be able to fight every battle, and it is not good for the atmosphere in the house.

That is why you would like the two of you to sit down and have a talk about handling certain situations. Start with agreeing how to handle one or two especially stressful situations or behaviours. If that works, move onto the next.

I suggest you check these books out at your library:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber
The Discipline Book: How to Have a Better-Behaved Child From Birth to Age Ten by Martha and William Sears (this has a clear attachment parenting approach)

 

We do Magic 1-2-3. (They have a DVD too, great for busy professionals, you could both watch it one night together and talk about it as you're watching it.) Then once you agree on a method, you have to be consistent and united, like a team.

Is your husband still a SAHD (or mostly SAHD)? I notice that when my husband has more time with the kids, his fuse is shorter. So when I see that happening, I try to push him outside to run errands for me or something.

 

We do positive discipline combined with 1-2-3. Basically, we tell them the behavior we expect (if they are climbing we say "your feet go on the floor") and then when we need them to do something right away, we do 1-2-3 with them making the decision to make the right choice. This age is very hard because yes they are testing and as soon as you turn your back, they are up to no good.

BTW, the positive discipline approach is not giving into them, it is giving them limited choices so you empower them to make good decisions. It's setting them up for success rather than tearing them down for being "bad".

Good luck.

 

I really liked Love and Logic for the early years and Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. We do the positive discipline approach too, by telling them what is not allowed, then telling them what they need to do, and then what will happen if they don't do it, and then following through. For expample, "We do not allow jumping on the bed when the baby is nursing. Sit on your bottom and help me by rubbing the baby's leg. If you don't sit on your bottom, you will have to get down." If they don't stop, you put them down. This is more of a teaching style, and your pay off comes later when they have truly learned how to behave.

The intimidation tactics get quick results, but the kids don't know why they're being punished and resent it, and since they didn't learn why, they'll just do it again. It can be infuritating to have to teach a toddler something 5,000 times, but that goes with the age, and I see it as my and DH's job to teach them. I try not to get too wordy with them, but after they've calmed down I talk to them about the "why" of what just happened and give them the words and actions on how to handle that situation the next time it comes up. I also tell them I love them and forgive them. You want their hearts to stay open and receptive to doing what you want them to do, not shut down and resist, which could perhaps happen with punishment and shaming.

I also LOVE the Ames and Ilg development books for each year (Your Two Year Old, Your Three Year Old, etc.) that tell you what is totally normal and some strategies for each stage. This at least makes me feel like I'm not a total failure and these super-annoying behaviors will in fact pass, quickly.

Moms On Call (.com) has a Toddler seminar online that is great for discipline tactics. I liked it so much I did a call with them and that really helped some specific defiance issues I was having. Antoher thing they taught me was to go over our three household rules every night at bedtime. They are, you always obey Mommy and Daddy which means you do what we ask, as soon as we ask you, you never hurt yourself, and you never hurt others. Every single thing they do the following day can be related back to those rules. I say, "DD, stop throwing your blocks. You could hit your sister and that would hurt her, and remember our rule, we don't hurt others." "Don't slam the door, that hurts the house, and we don't hurt others" (I stretch the "don't hurt others to include our home).

When they have a lot of toys to pick up, I tell them that they need to pick up, and I'll help, and sing our song and make a game out of it by racing, etc. As they mature, they will learn to pick up on their own.

 

Part of where I feel like I'm lost/failing is that I've tried some of these tactics and they just.don't.listen! I can never get them to stop what they are doing to listen to rules or why we don't do something. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall. I've tried making cleanup a game and DD just looks at me and says "No" and continues what she is doing.

The other thing that is driving me batty is the fighting over toys. DS could be playing with something that DD has NO interest in and she will come from across the room and take it from him. He starts crying, then tries to take it back, so she starts crying, then they both try to hit, push, bite, kick. They are not like this with other kids (thank God!) but it makes it really hard for me to ever leave the room, tend to the baby, etc.

DH is still a SAHD but I am home on maternity leave until January. Even when I go back to work I work mostly nights so I'll still be home for a lot of the fun behavior!

 

Well, it does get better. They're at the "wild dog" phase where nothing seems to help. So maybe they're not understanding human speak, start howling at them?

 

So the whole deal is that at 2, like Beca said, they don't understand you. You also need to be firm but consistent. Meaning, if you pick one way to discipline, stick with it or they don't buy that you mean or they get confused. Also, at this age, you need to be physically interacting when you discipling. For example, when my twins are fighting over a toy, I have to go over, take the aggressive twin away, tell him "that's your brother's toy, you can play with it when he is done, let's go play with___" . Mine have evolved into a tantrum at this point so I put them somewhere safe and walk away from the tantrum. It is honestly a lot of work right now because you can't just say "stop" and have them stop. It will get better but to get it there takes a lot of work.

 

I've posted this before, so appologies if you've already seen it.

Save the Children has a PDF booklet available about Positive Discipline. I found it very helpful.

http://sca.savethechildren.se/Global/scs/SEAP/publication/publication%20pdf/Child%20Protection/Positive%20Discipline%20Report%2023Aug07.pdf