Just about at my wits end

Discussion in 'The First Year' started by bbyboo1323, Oct 10, 2009.

  1. bbyboo1323

    bbyboo1323 Well-Known Member

    I keep telling myself, I do not think I was cut out to be a mom. I do not know what to do with my babies. They never sleep, after they eat or when they are tired I will rock them or hold them for a little while until they fall asleep. They could be in a deep sleep and the second I lay them down, they are wide awake and start crying. I am only one person and I cant hold and console both of them at once.

    This experience has been so extremely stressful on me. I get maybe 2 hours a sleep with in a 24 hour period, I feed like I do not have any help because I can ask people to help do this or that but I feel like I am interfering with their day so I just dont ask anymore.

    I am at the point that I just do not know what to do. I feel like my life has fallen apart and my marriage is suffering from it as well. I am just at my wits end not knowing what to do anymore because no matter what I do, I feel it isnt right.

    I am so sick of people telling me to nap when the babies nap. THEY DONT NAP!! I have to be holding one or rocking one and tahts when they nap or in the car but I surely cant sleep and drive at the same time. I have tried a swing, bouncy, none work because they just cry and cry still. This goes on all day and night 24 hours a day.

    Does anyone have any suggestions or encouragement? Please dont say it doesnt last forever or this will pass. I am so sick of hearing that from everyone!
  2. vtlakey

    vtlakey Well-Known Member

    You poor thing! :( At night can you and your husband take the "divide and conquer" approach? As in you take one baby to bed with you and he takes one baby to bed with him to a guestroom or something? One baby is so much easier to deal with than two! You may only be able to sleep with your baby lying on your chest, but that is better than no sleep, and you sound pretty desperate for sleep. My husband and I have been taking this approach since I went back to work FT and we plan to do it until they are old enough for CIO at which time we are going to put them in the nursery.

    I do hope your babies start sleeping better soon and that you can get some rest!!!
  3. TwinLove

    TwinLove Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug:

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I remember all too well feeling exactly like that, only I was asking for help whenever I could. :pardon: I don't think you should stop asking. When they can't help, they'll say no. :hug: That's why they are your friends and family.

    Great suggestion. This is what me and my husband did. :good:

    Also, do you swaddle? My dd didn't really sleep until she was 5 weeks old because that's when I decided to start swaddling and it made a world of difference to her.

  4. MrsWright

    MrsWright Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I agree with swaddling...mine loved it until about 2 months they broke out of everything so we didn't bother. :hug: I hope you get some sleep, and yes, keep asking! If they can't help that day they will tell you but that doesn't mean they can't help the next day! I remember sitting in the rocking chair rocking 2 crying babies thinking it would never end but I'll be the bad guy and tell you yes it will end. Even though it feels like FOREVER! and you can't take it anymore....thats when they get better! Sometimes I think they cry bc they want to be awake but just don't know what to do with themselves yet, kwim? Have you tried a paci? I hate them but mine took them up until 4 months and it did help soothe them!
  5. AimeeThomp

    AimeeThomp Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    My suggestion is coffee! I didn't even own a coffee machine until I had twins. Now I couldn't live without it. I was never able to nap when the babies nap either. Mine napped, but unless I had another person here to watch them I was just too vigilant to nap.
  6. meganguttman

    meganguttman Well-Known Member

    Have you talked to their doctor about this? It may be colic, but maybe they have reflux (silent reflux happens when they don't spit up). I would call on Monday and see if they can help at all. I remember all too well, the crying and my crying right along with them. :grouphug:
  7. kingeomer

    kingeomer Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Oh boy, I could have written this same post when my twins were a month old :hug:
    I could never nap when they napped and in those early months I wanted slap everyone who said that to me because even if I could nap when they napped, it felt like they barely napped!
    I agree with the divide and conquer approach with your husband. Mine works the third shift, so I usually had nights myself, but he would take the mornings and evenings so I could catch some sleep. When he was off he would take nights so I could get a full night's sleep. I also agree with keep on asking for help. Swaddling was a huge help around here, once we started to do that, the babies started to sleep much better. :youcandoit:
    Hang in there, Momma :hug:
  8. MarchI

    MarchI Well-Known Member

    Do you have a swing? You can put them in there to sleep. Also, swaddling has saved my life, along with the white noise from the air cleaner.
  9. cheezewhiz24

    cheezewhiz24 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering. :hug: My DH & I do something similar after the night feeds. We both try to lull a baby to sleep. If just 1 is still awake & is not happy, 1 of us goes out into the other room so that the other & the first baby can sleep. I need to sleep earlier in the night/during the day, so I'm more able to take the night shifts with them. Also, we had screaming babies one night and my DH just swaddled their arms in and it made a HUGE difference. It's our 'night-time' swaddle, now, so that the novelty doesn't wear off. I agree-people make excuses to do what they do not want to do. You're babies are the cutest, most novel thing to most of the world and even when crying, people are transfixed by twins. USE IT! :spiteful:

    Something I've noticed with one of our babies that might be true for both of yours- he doesn't like being cold and wakes up if I put him in a bouncy seat, asleep. I'm going to try putting a heating pad on warm before I put him in so he doesn't feel the initial bit of cold. Also, we have sound on at night for them- they really don't like quiet.

    When it's really bad, sometimes I listen to a song that my DH likes (I did not care for it when he sang it to me, but it's really cute for the babies). "Older" by They Might Be Giants. I consider it kind of a mantra.

    Good luck.


  10. Specky

    Specky Well-Known Member

    Big Big :hug: to you! I too remember this so well! It seems so far in the past now. IT DOES GET BETTER...MUCH better! Hang in there! My husband and I were just talking about this, it truly is soooo hard! We split shifts...every four hours...we were ships passing and that's about it, but that's how we got through it...we were in a daze, and did whatever it took to get through! Christopher had bad colic and both boys had such bad reflux (thanks to the amazing women here, I'd never heard of a baby having reflux!) I remember every sip would be screaming! It was awful! They got on medication and did great!

    My husband bought a white board kind of as a joke, (we put it in the middle of the livingroom) but because we were both so tired we wrote things down as we thought of them...even the "I love you's" got on the white board...here is what I remember most:

    1. My husband wrote (SPELT OUT) WTF?? on the white board: I about died...it was soooo fitting. We were having a really rough couple of weeks and we left that up there for about a week, until we could catch our breath, but everytime we looked at it we would bust out laughing! My mil wasn't impressed, ok that made it even funnier!

    2. One morning, I'm not sure exactly what it was...but everything just clicked, they slept better, ate better...my husband and I literally looked at each other and took a really deep breath! It was on the exact day they turned 3 months...that was our turning point! And it has been an absolute joy ever since!

    If you can ask for help! Do what ever it takes to get through the next couple of months...write things in a journal (if you can)...get out by yourself, if you can...just get out of the house...i used to go to walmart i think everyday! Visit here often, it truly helps!!

    Hang in there sweetie...YOU CAN DO THIS! :youcandoit:
    It gets so much better...you'll hear that from all of us, but when it happends to you, your gonna say "that's what they meant".
  11. busymomof3

    busymomof3 Well-Known Member

    My boys did the same thing. Here is what we did. ASK FOR HELP!! I also felt like I was inconvienceing others by asking for help but I needed it. After I started having massive anxiety attacks about how I was going to get through the days and nights I decided to ask anyone and everyone for help. I had someone at our house around the clock. What worked best for us was taking shifts. We would take 4-5 hour shifts and rotate between the three of us, sometimes we were lucky to have two extra helpers and would divide and conqour. There were times where I would go to sleep at 6pm and sleep till 12 while the other two dealt with the twins and put my older son to bed. Then I would get up and take the next shift. I found that if I was able to get a good stretch of sleep in it made the nights a little easier. Also I found that warming up a receiving blanket in the microwave for 15-20 sec and placing it in the swing or bouncy chair seemed to work most of the time and I was able to set the boys down. I think they felt nice and cozy like they were being held. We also swaddled them. I also used a carrier( i had the moby wrap but there are tons out there) this gave my arms a break as well as enabled me to sleep in the chair without worrying about dropping one of the babies. My boys slept in their chairs/swing/on me for the first two months they were home because that was the only way we would get any sleep. Also my marriage was kinda non existant for those first two months. We were in survival mode and only really had little bits of time to chat between shift changes. There were nights when my husband and I would go for a half hour drive while my mother would watch the boys. These were nice drives which allowed us to have some conversation without interruptions or sometimes we just drove and enjoyed the silence. We also tried to nap in the evenings together on the nights when we had two helpers, this seemed to be the only alone time we would have together. My best advice is take all the help you can get and hang in there :hug: feel free to PM me at anytime
  12. Nancy C

    Nancy C Well-Known Member

    Swaddle - Miracle blankets were the best investment we ever made. Only available online I think.
    When they started squirming out of the swaddle, I reinforced it by wrapping and ace bandage multiple time around the chest.

    Swing - for sleep
  13. bbyboo1323

    bbyboo1323 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Guys. I am trying to think of anything to help. If you can get them to sleep, they will sleep 3-4 hours between feedings, its just gettin them to sleep! At this age its hard to keep them awake and stimulated even though they will stay awake but its not much you can do with them besides talk and stuff lik that.

    DS is in the swing down sleeping. I may have to try DD today and if it works ok for her, looks like im off to buy another swing!

    I dont have anyone that can keep them so that we can get away. The only person is MIL and well, she is busy alot so I am kinda out of options since my mom is 5 1/2 hours away. She was keeping them tonight so we could go out together to a wedding and just be us for a few hours but when asked I felt that it didnt work if you know waht I mean so DH said he would just stay home with the babies to give me a break ( plus im the photographer) and I go alone. I shouldnt have to go alone :(

    We dont have that much help so a lot of the time its just us tackling them. My grandmother comes over and can rock for a while so that I can tend to the other or do something quickly. We both tackle nights because he cant do both at once and go to work. One of my best friends and her DH will be here tonight to help him while I am gone.

    I am just so waiting for that end of the tunnel! I knew it would be hard, but wow this hard? I am calilng the dr monday to check on something for PPD because I really think its set in :(
  14. bbyboo1323

    bbyboo1323 Well-Known Member

    Also with swaddling, do you swaddle then rock to sleep or get them to sleep and then swaddle when you lie them down? My DD HATES covers so its hard but I will just have to try to swaddle tighter
  15. tundrababy

    tundrababy Well-Known Member

    swaddle first then swing/bouncey seat is how we lived for the first couple of weeks/months. I sooo know where you are coming from...Those first 6wks are HARD!! I remember sitting on floor, hold two screaming babies crying along with them because nobody had any good sleep all night. Then one day something just 'clicks' and they start napping and eating more predictably. AND at that point you actually can take a nap with them (even if it only last 30min - its something.) For our boys that time happened when they hit 8lbs or around 2mos - so you really don't have too much longer. And definitely give your doc a call if you think you might have PPD - its nothing to mess around.

    BTW - I wanted to hit anyone who told me 'just sleep when they sleep' Obviously these people have never had colicky newborn twins!!
  16. meganguttman

    meganguttman Well-Known Member

    I am glad to hear this. It's always nice to check and make sure. He/She may be able to give you something to take the edge off. Also feel free to visit the Mental Health Forum on TS!
  17. MarchI

    MarchI Well-Known Member

    I am glad the swing is working. I hope you get a good break tonight. Just being away from the situation often helps you become more reasonable and work it out.
  18. silver_stardust

    silver_stardust Well-Known Member

    :grouphug: Big hugs! At that age my boys slept in the swing pretty much whenever they needed to sleep; probably until they were STTN better. My DH and I would take turns sleeping on the couch. If that's how they would sleep and it allowed me some time of piece and some much needed sleep than I was all for it. If your LO's like the swing it may be worth while to pick up another one. We had the papasan swing that swung both ways. Some days they needed a change and would sleep better with the swing turned. I also would definitely keep the doc. in the loop and see if he/she has any suggestions. Please know that it really does get better ... Good luck and hang in there!

    ANGELA SHAW Well-Known Member

    i still have one of my girls beds tilted up. i folded in half than tucked the bumber pads under the head of her mattries so it was raised, she just hates lying flat, i also found putting the girls in there beds or swings the same time everyday has helped. got a rutine , if they like there car seats let them sleep in it. it doesnt matter how they sleep as long as they do. keep in mind they are safe in there cribs i wouldnt leave them longer than 10min but they may just fall asleep. 2 get my girls use to it i sat outside there door and talked to them, they could here my voice and would mellow in order to hear it more. hold in there momma
  20. rebekahj

    rebekahj Well-Known Member

    Get help! Don't worry that it's "bothering" people, and it's not selfish, weak or show that you're a bad mom. I thought I "should" be able to do it myself, but it's basic math - You have one pair of arms and two babies! Break into your piggy bank to pay a friend's teenager to hold one for a few hours while you hold the other. Your babies need a sane Momma with a solid marriage, be 'selfish' for them and get yourself some help!
  21. jjzollman

    jjzollman Well-Known Member

    Swings saved my sanity! My twins (and my singleton) napped in swings until they were 14 months old :lol: - and now they sleep perfectly fine in their cribs and bed. If a swing buys you a few more hours of sleep, by all means get another one!! :)

    Also, I know you said your mom lives further away. Could you pack up the babies and go stay with her for a week or so? I found this to be VERY helpful. I'd pack up all 3 of my kids and go stay with my parents for a week (even 10 days sometimes) - it gave me a break from being cooped up within my house (the babies were born 5 weeks early in January and our pedi said to stay out of public places until May b/c of RSV), it helped me to focus only on my boys and myself b/c there were no other chores for me to do at my parents' house. They did the laundry, the cooking, they did a lot of the baby care. I'd just nurse and then usually hand the babies off and go take a nap. It was a WONDERFUL way to get a break. If you can do that, I'd highly suggest it! :hug:

    You are at a *really* hard age. :youcandoit: I promise, you can!!! :hug:
  22. bbyboo1323

    bbyboo1323 Well-Known Member

    I think both babies are suffering from reflux now. They both are beginning to arch their backs and we have been trying swaddling and it works some of the time. DS was up for 4 hours last night crying and arching and finally fell asleep when I got him settled down and put in the swing.

    My mom is 5 1/2 hours away so I am not sure thats really reasonable to go stay with her for a few days. Besides she has to go to work and driving that far alone with 2 5 week olds, eh not sure I am ready to tackle that :)
  23. Danibell

    Danibell Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    If you think one or both have reflux, CALL THE PED!! Reflux meds make a world of difference! Google silent reflux (the kind that they don't spit up all the time) and see if they have the symptoms.

    My oldest ds had the puking reflux, also called a "laundry issue" because he wasn't miserable, he just puked all the time, 24/7. My girl twin had silent reflux. She would swallow constantly, making grimacing faces, fight eating, and when she did puke, it was thick, chunky and sour smelling. Zantac didn't work but prevacid was a miracle drug! As long as she got her meds on time every day, she was golden!!

    As for swaddling, as soon as the babies were done eating, they got reswaddled. They can't play or anything yet, so I kept them swaddled all the time so when they fell asleep, I could lay them down easily. I also kept a soft warm blanket open on the couch, so I could lay them in it and roll it around them, making like a soft cocoon for them to sleep in. It helped them feel like they were being snuggled still. I had blankets in both bouncers as well for the same effect. 6 wks is also a major growth spurt, which throws a monkey wrench into their sleep schedule as well. It can last a week or two, but usually after it's over their sleep schedule starts to settle back down again!! :hug:

    :youcandoit: Just take one day at a time. Don't worry how tomorrow it going to go. Today, your goal is to swaddle everytime they finish eating. If it goes good, you try it again tomorrow. If tomorrow goes good, try it again the next day. Baby steps, and you WILL get through this I promise! :hug:
  24. Kateryna

    Kateryna Well-Known Member

    Sorry you're going through this. I felt the same way just last months and still feel this way quite often. You know, we just got a second swing and OMG! I feel so annoyed that we didn't earlier. Now they love to nap in their swings, swaddled.

    One month ago, my babies were constantly miserable. They were 10 weeks old and perfectly healthy. They ate every 4 hours 190 ml (6.5 oz) of formula. At 10 weeks they were 15 lb and 13 lb, so they gained weight fine. They pooped everyday with loose stools. They were always promptly changed and cuddled. Nevertheless, if they were not asleep, they were screaming miserably. Sad I felt like a bad mother because I could not soothe them no matter what I did. I found myself wishing that they would constantly be asleep. This thought tortured me. I tried the swing, bouncy chair, soothing music, white noise (fan, vacuum cleaner), baby wearing them close to me. The only time they would stop is if I held one after another and rocked them while singing. I could do that all day long with two babies, since I'm at home alone since 6am to 7pm. One is always left crying waiting for their turn to be rocked....So we got another swing and it helps A LOT!

    At our last appointment with our pediatrician, he said that the reason our babies scream so much and constantly make "pushing" sounds until they are red in the face and bring their legs up in pain is because they are.....well, just babies... What?

    In any case, I completely ignored the suggestion to continue with Nestle Good Start and decided to take to the best doctor on the planet - Google. I found so many moms that had their worries dismissed about gas and fussiness, but then they switched to lactose free formula or soy based and their babies because the sweet little pumpkins every one wishes for. I decided to give it a try. After all, my husband is lactose intolerant himself and we are vegetarians.

    He used to scream during feedings and bring up his legs and not want to finish bottles. Now he is a happy baby and loves to eat. My daughter on the other hand did not like the switch and started to refuse bottle, so we switched her back to Good Start. I did follow up with our doctor and he said, yes, switch formulas until you find the right one fr your baby.

    I say experiment a lot to see what work and hopefully you'll find releif.

    Also, once they hit 3 months mark it really did get a bit easier since now the enjoy looking around and playing in the gym for good 30 min.
  25. desolation_anonymous

    desolation_anonymous Well-Known Member

  26. desolation_anonymous

    desolation_anonymous Well-Known Member

    I don't know how old your babies are, but it can be really tough.

    Yeah, napping when they nap doesn't work. People don't take into account twins probably don't nap at the exact same time... ours do sometime, but it is rare.

    I think you need to push yourself to ask for help. You need it. And you need sleep. If this isn't an option, if you can afford to hire some help, even once or twice a week could help.

    One thing we did when our babies were little before I had to go back to work is paid a babysitter to come over and watch the twins once or twice a week for an eight hour shift. I was not leaving them alone with her and was there to answer questions, etc., but this allowed me to most importantly SLEEP and get some household things done.

    I think you also might need to talk to someone, too. There is a lot of postpartum depression, AND POSTPARTEM ANXIETY, which just a touch can make things worse and make you feel even more overwhelmed. I had postpartum anxiety and didn't know it, because I had only heard of postpartum depression!
  27. Bestian

    Bestian Active Member

    Maybe there are some books that you could read that will help you with that question?
  28. BillShiphr

    BillShiphr Well-Known Member

    Some people don't have the courage to meet people on the streets. So, using dating apps should be the best option for you. Just read this review pof to learn more about why you need to use it. And if you still think that it doesn't fit you then you can switch to anything else.
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