Issues with Boyfriend's twin brother...

I'm going to attempt to put this in another light for you. First I want to say it is very difficult to give advice on what exactly the problem is without knowing you and your bf ourselves or even if we did; Every relationship is different and so solutions and reasons may be different as well. But since you asked everyone here their opinions they are giving it as honestly as they can and you might not like all the opinions but they are giving it with good reason and with their own set of experience to back it up. You explained to us how you see the situation now we are trying to show you how we see it. Can we really see the full picture? Off course not but we can give legitimate opinions and advice based on our own experiences in similar situations. I don't think Adrian or Richard was trying to attack you; they are merely trying to explain to you how they see the situation. So please listen to what everyone is saying without resorting to name-calling. You did after all ask for opinions.


I'm going to try and explain to you my thoughts on the subject by explaining my own experiences with this in the hopes that it will be more easily understood by you.


My sister and I am also identical twins and have always been close but we have also had huge fights and disagreements. Our relationship is a very complicated but strong one which I believe to be true with most twins. When one of the twins enters into a relationship there will be reactions from the other twin and no I don't believe mostly out of jealousy but out of care for your sibling. I feel because I know Gerda (my twin sis) so well that I do have a valid opinion when it comes to relationships she has. Do I believe I have the right to stop her seeing someone? No. Do I feel she shouldn't have a relationship? No. But if I see something I feel is not good for her in a relationship she enters into am I going to stay quiet? Absolutely not.


Getting to my own experience. I've been in a relationship with a man my sister didn't approve of at all. At the time, yes we didn't see eye to eye about it. She tried to convey her feelings to me about this person and I didn't listen because I was (I thought I was) in love with this man and I got angry with her for pointing out things of concern. And yes there was conflict between my then bf and sister but my sister tried mostly to support me but never backed down about how she felt. My anger wasn't as much because she disapproved, I was more hurt because I wanted her to see this man as wonderful as I did and she didn't. Although I refused to admit it at the time it was a big concern for me, eating at me but it was easier to make her the villain (in some way) and I distanced myself from her more because I wanted to keep the conflict to a minimum. We were still close but after a time we side-stepped the topic completely. I was with this man for almost 4 years and you know what? My sister was right all along. When you're in a relationship you are too close to it to always see all the warning lights and if those that love you and know you see them they can't help but interfere. She did not do this because she was jealous or had "mental problems" or was depressed, she did this because she honestly felt I was not in a good situation and she could not keep quiet about it. I think anyone that sees a loved one in a relationship they think is bad for them wants to help out and "save" that person from the relationship. I'm not saying this is right or wrong but it is normal to do.


In this case my sister was right about the guy, it turned out to be a very abusive relationship which did a lot of harm to me emotionally, physically and mentally. I could not see the signs in the beginning that she saw because I was too "in love" (I now know better) but I didn't want to see them and by the time I did start seeing them I was already trapped in a horrible situation and it was one of the most difficult things for me to get out of which people don't always understand but my sister did. She was there for me every step of the way and no not in an "I told you so" kind of way. She just felt helpless that she couldn't have prevented it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm NOT saying you are this horrible person to your bf and that's why his twin wants to get rid of you. What I am saying however is if he is acting this way towards you he has a reason for it and that is out of concern for his brother, he sees something in you he feels is not right for his brother. The way he is trying to convey this is probably not the best way but one must try and understand his reasoning behind it. I'm also not saying he is necessarily correct about his assumptions or views about you, anyone can make a mistake and even twins can't always know what is best for each other but he will stand up for his twin when he thinks it's necessary.


This does not mean a twin can never have a relationship. In the contrary (in my experience) if you feel your twin is in a good relationship you don't mind if s/he puts him/her first or if they join the family because you want your twin to be happy and if you believe this person is good for him/her you will not make it difficult for them to be in a relationship with your twin. But as I mentioned if you're not sure about the gf/bf of your twin, there unfortunately WILL be conflict because you're looking out for your twin. As Adrian stated you join an already established "system" so unfortunately if you want to fit into that system and experience a good relationship with your bf/gf you'll have to get along with his/her twin as well. Can your relationship still work out if you can't get along with the twin? It's possible but it will be much harder and I do believe somewhere down the line there will be resentment because logically one wants your family and gf/bf to get along with each other.


To address the "I want to be put 1st situation". My sister has been in a relationship with Cp now for four years and I adore him. He is like a brother to me. So do I mind if he is first in Gerda's life? Of course not because I know he is good for her and I know he's not trying to get between me and Gerda. Does that mean I've moved down on Gerda's "importance list" (if you can call it that) No I haven't I'm still just as important to her but Cp doesn't mind because he knows our relationship is also important. So we all get along splendidly because we understand and respect each other. So all in all it's a healthy situation. It is the same with Gerda and my current bf. You mention this brother will never change and always find fault with any gf your boyfriend has because he found fault with you and the previous gf as well. If that was true Gerda would've done the same. There's many guys she didn't approve of which I either liked or dated but when André and I entered into a relationship she didn't react the same way. She accepted him immediately and they also get along very well and thus we're both in happy relationships now without giving each other or our separate bf's trouble. This is because we believe we all contribute well to the "system" (yet again stealing Adrian's word for a lack of a better one) What I was trying to say in this very long-winded way is that there is usually a very good reason if the other twin doesn't like or accept the relationship.


Now having said all that am I trying to say you are horrible and don't deserve to be with your bf? No I am not. Only you can know what the true problems are and if your bf means enough to you you'll have to work out this situation with his brother. Is he reacting in the right way? Not necessarily but as I tried to explain now he is reacting this way for a good reason (in his opinion there is obviously good reason) and not because he is jealous/depressed or mentally dysfunctional. (It's probably also possible for one of those reasons but very very unlikely) And you feeling so much resentment towards him is not helping the situation at all. Even as you say you're trying to stay out of it and leave your bf to deal with it I'm sure after 2 and a half years your bf knows how you feel about this. The twin is probably also aware that you don't like him as you are aware of his dislike towards you.


So my advice? I don't think this is a situation that's going to be resolved easily but I do believe it can be resolved but it will take patience and understanding from your side. His brother is obviously not going to change his mind easily about you just as you are not easily going to change your mind about him either but if you want this relationship to work and be a happy one, I strongly believe you and his twin brother will have to resolve your conflict. Even if all his ranting isn't true, they must seem true to him. I find it very difficult to believe he will make up stories about you just out of spite or whatever other reasons you gave. He most probably feels his opinions are legitimate just as you believe yours are so he is doing all he thinks he can to help his brother out. You'll have to examine his problems and emails about you very closely and try not to get defensive but see how he might feel the way he does. He's obviously basing his thoughts on some things and you'll have to analyse what about you makes him believe these things and then try and let him know your true intentions and beliefs.


For example (a stupid one but nonetheless an example) he is convinced you're horrible with children because he saw a child cry once while you were holding him/her but in reality you're great with children but he doesn't know that because he is basing his belief on something he saw. It's then your responsibility to show him that in fact it is not true explaining to him the situation for instance in this one the child was hurt and you were trying to console him/her and you weren't the cause of the crying as he had perceived. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say with this example?


I can also understand how you would want him to step up and make peace because you feel like the victim and the wronged one so why should you do all the work? Right? It's normal to feel that way but again have you considered that he is feeling the same way? So you refusing to step back and resolve this isn't doing you or your relationship any good. You'll have to step up if you want your relationship to work and you'll have to be very careful about how you do it. You can't go in insulting him and telling him all the things he has done wrong and how he's mentally unstable etc etc. You'll have to go in First with the problems HE has about you and when that is resolved you can work out the problems YOU have with him. This takes immense courage and responsibility and maturity from your side. Are you willing to do that or not? Because in my opinion your relationship has very low chances of working out if this problem is not resolved. It's like any other problem in a relationship eg. money. If you agree about how money is to be spend and used it makes out a small part of your relationship, if you disagree on it, it becomes a HUGE issue. The same with the brother it wouldn't be so important where your bf ranks his brother or not if you two got along but now that you don't there is a rift and I don't envy your bf because whether you mean to or not he is being put in the middle with his brother pushing from the one side and you pushing from the other side. He might agree with some of your points and some of his brothers but I think in reality he would just love for you two to get along because he loves you both. So the answer is not to try and convince others of his twins horrible nature because that will get you nowhere. Whether he is truly horrible or not is not the problem, the problem is the conflict caused by you two not getting along. You'll never win if you continue to try and make him the bad guy…


Sorry for the long post but I hope I got my point through to you.

 

I've stayed out of this topic after I replied to it, but
good post Brenda, I agree completely with you
And also thanks for sharing some of those personal things with us.

I also would like to point out that Adrian and Richard so far have been the only male twins to give their perspective of this situation, they can see this situation problably from a different view than the rest of us and I think they said some things that have been very true, listening to their opinions could help and try to see the situation from both your boyfriend and his twin point of view.

 

Thank you Joyce. I also agree with what you have said. I also believe it's a good idea for her to try and listen to what Adrian and Richard said.

On a side note: Since it's been a while since all that has happened to me it is easier to talk about and I prefer being open about it because then maybe I can help someone else not to make the same mistakes and besides I covered it up for so long (for many reasons I regret now) but that man doesn't deserve to be protected... so I'm not quiet about it anymore.

 

Hello again twin curious, I haven't been on this feed for a while and I thought I should just let you know how my progression has been, since it is very similar to your situation. I've taken a new approach towards my boyfriends twin. I've played nice for a very long time, whenever he's done something idiotic. I've ignored it. Whenever he decides to act like a 5 year old, I've dismissed it as if it was a waste of time.

I realized something one day when I went to church (i am a catholic) and listened to my priest speaking. Life is too complicated and too short to hold grudges or be angry for any reason what so ever. When people have done wrong to you and you acknowledge it in your heart without a doubt, they have this new found power over you, that they might even realize and if they do, they take liking to the fact that they can affect you so deeply.

Think about what matters most to you. Your relationship, your family, your loved ones family. The way I see it, you've told us what you think you've needed to tell us. Whether this information be legitimate or not, I want to advise you regardless based on what you've posted here. I think that is the point of the forum isn't it? I don't want to waste time speculating that your story is full of lies or missing parts. I think if you came on here, that you truly wanted help. Is it really worth fighting back with his brother? In my situation, I've come so close to giving up several times. But then I finally realized that's exactly what I needed to do,

give up


give up fighting back and instead, embrace with open arms. I know that's such a hard thing to do when so much has been said and done, but really it is the best way. It will make you stronger as well when you can finally say, it doesn't even touch you anymore. Take charge of YOUR life. Stick up for the person you love, the relationship you want to thrive, for what I assume will be a long time.

I think that there's no more you can do about the brother. Give it to God. Give your anger and frustrations up because it should no longer be your problem.

This is no guaranteed over night fix but it will help in so many ways. By not fighting back, you are putting yourself up that ladder, away from his level. Don't stoop down there and don't show him your getting to him.
Talk to your loved one about it. Make it so that it is behind you. Crazy and unrealistic but so desperate and strong you might just try it?

Thought so.

His twin can continue battering you, battering his brother, your family members, etc. Take it and give it up.

I'm not sure if this will make it stop, but hopefully at some point his brother will realize he's the only one fighting, because it takes at least two to do that. It'll then be a fight with himself, an internal fight.

Soon enough I think everyone else will realize that too. His family, your family. If it's a one man game, maybe they'll start to see your innocence in this. Maybe then people will really want to understand and his brother can get some help.

You say you've done nothing wrong and you haven't instigated the behavior, keep it that way. Act as if nothing has happened. Let him keep striking. My being able to take those hits, with you and your loved one, you both will become stronger. As for what happens with the twins. Let them sort that out.

It is up to your boyfriend of course, what kind of relationship he wants with him and hopefully he can repair it. But the understanding needs to come from first, being patient. I think it will be truly rewarding for your situation.

Good Luck

 

Wow! I know this is kind of an old topic...but it caught my eye, and I read the entire post..it was intriguing.

Initially, to the OP, I would have said, the boyfriends brother is crazy, and overreacting..but as I read the others posts, I understood more and more. It seems to me that Twin Peshi was pretty blunt initially with his responses, but once Twinluver started to question him, his responses became more of genuine information and experience and seemed to make more sense.
I was questioning the whole 'system' thing, and still dont agree with that particular term but I understand now. Brenda's post really helped put it in perspective as well.

I can definitely see how her b/f twin may not have liked her or 'approved' of her being his brothers girlfriend. That makes so much more sense. However immaturely he is reacting to it, he could very well be mentally healthy, just in High Defense mode, trying to protect his brother.
I think Brenda made a great suggestion. .getting the emails/letters and reading/disecting them to determine exactly what he doesnt like or thinks is so bad, in order to show him that the accusations are false, and you are not what he thinks.

Twin Peshi. . .my question to you is, do you think this 'system' or bond, is present in twins who are not identical, or not even the same sex? Or does it matter? Is it still present, but just on a smaller scale or level if the twins are not identical? Im asking because my twins are b/g (obviously fraternal) and they dont seem to have much of a bond at all, now at 2 1/2. I also have two older children and they all seem to have an equal sibling bond,rivalry.. just wondering if that will change as they get older.

 

I hope the original poster will still read this because I do believe it can be helpful

Amy I know you asked Adrian but I also want to comment on your question. I do believe your twins will also have a special bond. All twins do but every set of twins bond is also different, some are very close others not so much but I think you always have that extra protective attitude towards your twin. I have close friends who are b/g twins (same age as us) and they are very close, Deon is much more protective over Elmarie though and less likely to get in trouble. I think it would be interesting to hear what other parents of b/g twins have experienced, I personally don't think being identical or fraternal makes such a big difference in the type of bond you will have with your twin.

 

QUOTE(Twinrific @ Jan 29 2009, 05:25 AM) [snapback]1167135[/snapback]
I hope the original poster will still read this because I do believe it can be helpful

Amy I know you asked Adrian but I also want to comment on your question. I do believe your twins will also have a special bond. All twins do but every set of twins bond is also different, some are very close others not so much but I think you always have that extra protective attitude towards your twin. I have close friends who are b/g twins (same age as us) and they are very close, Deon is much more protective over Elmarie though and less likely to get in trouble. I think it would be interesting to hear what other parents of b/g twins have experienced, I personally don't think being identical or fraternal makes such a big difference in the type of bond you will have with your twin.



Alas I have given up. I have tried to stay out of my boyfriend's life as much as i can but his twin criticizes me opently even when a mutual friend even mentions me. I have no energy left. I am taking twinluvr123's approach and just giving up I love my boyfriend, but this is really painful. Although I understand everything everyone has written, it still does not make this situation any better. I still don't agree with this "system" analogy...I have spoken to other twins (and perhaps they are not representative of all twins) but they don't agree with this either. Not all twins are this controlling of one another. What is painful is that my entire family (including my sister) treats my bf with care and respect. I wish I could get even half of that in return from bf's brother

 

I've tried to be sensitive and I thought I explained the whole situation in a kind and elaborate manner but Twin_curious did you even read my post? Because after my explanation I can't see how you can still say we're being controlling of our twins? or that you couldn't find any helpful information from my post? or that 'giving' up is the best solution?

QUOTE
I have spoken to other twins (and perhaps they are not representative of all twins) but they don't agree with this either. Not all twins are this controlling of one another.


Where in my post did you get that we are controlling of each other? I tried to explain to you why he might be acting as he was but you refuse to see any other possibilty than he is a crazed mean person. Why is that? Sorry to be blunt but I think if you worked half as hard to solve this problem as you do to find people that agree with your point of view, you would've had a solution by now! We're not defending his actions and making you out as the "wrong one", I was trying to explain his possible reasons for his actions. Isn't it better to find a solution than dwell on all the negatives?

QUOTE
I still don't agree with this "system" analogy.


Why so stuck on one word? Okay I see how you might've perceived it as insensitive since it refers more to machines or whatever but instead of getting hung up on the word why don't you look at what Adrian and Richard explained or try to say to you via the word? Perhaps we could've used a better word but the word hardly has anything to do with the situation. Insert "already established relationships" where you read "system" if that would make you feel better. They may use different words than you would've but just because of that you can't ignore their whole meaning behind it and classify them as insensitive. They actually made good points if you take the time to look at it without getting defensive.

QUOTE
. I am taking twinluvr123's approach and just giving up I love my boyfriend, but this is really painful.


How is giving up a solution? I really don't understand, you came here to find advice on how you can better the situation within your relationship but now that you have received advice you don't even want to take it into consideration? Giving up is easier? Relationships are work and sorry that I'm being so blunt but just giving up will get you nowhere. You won't always get your way in a relationship and others won't always perceive a situation the same as you. It doesn't help you to try and rally as much support for your point of view and then say "see? I'm right so I don't have to do anything, it's their fault not mine". How does that solve anything? One works on your relationship and I tried to give you advice on how to deal with this problem, you didn't even have to use it, you could try other approaches but just to give up? Sorry but that does not make sense to me. It seems more to me that you're wallowing in self-pity rather than facing your problems. No one ever said it is a nice situation that you are in, it's horrible, one does not like to be treated in such a way for any reason but that is life and the only way to deal with it is to find solutions, being sorry for yourself never helps. I know you're going to see me as insensitive for being so straight forward with you but I'm honestly trying to help and it feels to me as if you're just staring into one possibility instead of embracing other possibilities and solutions. You can resolve this if you work towards solving it.

QUOTE
What is painful is that my entire family (including my sister) treats my bf with care and respect. I wish I could get even half of that in return from bf's brother


Again what does it help to wallow in self pity? Yes you're being wronged, now what are you going to do about it? Complain to anyone that will listen? How does that help? Throwing your families ways in your bf's face the whole time, telling him how good your family is compared to his will not solve anything. Again I wonder if you even read my post? I'm not saying all these things to hurt you, I'm trying to help but unless you start concentrating on something other than how unfair it all is you won't solve this problem. The cliché "Life isn't fair" is unfortunately very true and you can either get depressed about it or take action. Personally I think taking action is much better way of using your energy because if you give up I'm almost 100% sure your relationship won't survive. You need to decide what is really more important to you: Being right or being happy?

 

QUOTE(Twinrific @ Feb 12 2009, 09:46 PM) [snapback]1187065[/snapback]
Insert "already established relationships" where you read "system" if that would make you feel better.


Or:

Instrumentality that combines interrelated interacting artefacts designed to work as a coherent entity;
A group of independent but interrelated elements comprising a unified whole;
A sample in which substances in different phases are in equilibrium; or
A complex of methods or rules governing behaviour

 

QUOTE(TwinRichard @ Feb 12 2009, 11:48 AM) [snapback]1187079[/snapback]
Or:

Instrumentality that combines interrelated interacting artefacts designed to work as a coherent entity;
A group of independent but interrelated elements comprising a unified whole;
A sample in which substances in different phases are in equilibrium; or
A complex of methods or rules governing behaviour



ROFL Richard

I don't really have anything to add to what has already been said, I generally agree with Adrian, Richard and Brenda (No, I'm not trying to gang up on you ) just want to stress the point Brenda made that in a relationship there is really a time where you should decide do I want to be right or happy? Relationships is full of compromises, calmly go sit down with your boyfriend and discuss the problem (and no I don't mean telling him everything that he is doing wrong! tell him how you feel and ask him how he perceives the situation) and then come up with a solution both of you will be happy with.

Good luck, I really hope you find happiness

 

Unfortunately I am in this situation except I have just graduated high school. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and he is also a twin. My boyfriends brother has the same exact qualities as your boyfriends brother. I'm not sure how long ago you wrote this but I was wondering if you found a solution.
I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend because we both have the same friends. This also means his brother is in our friend group and every chance he gets he will use anything to make me upset. He has made it very clear that he doesn't like me and refuses to treat me differently. I have done about everything to try to fix my relationship with him but I always end up leaving early and crying. This sounds kind of pathetic but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I hope things get better!

 

Hi Amanda, I'm sorry for the trouble you are having in your relationship with your boyfriend and his twin.
This post was from over 8 years ago so I'm not sure you'll get a response-if not, you may want to try starting a new post/thread.
Welcome to TS.

 

Yes, everyone uses social networks, but there is nothing better than dating sites for finding a partner. My uncle has been single over 60 years. He hasn't had anyone for 6 years. He is a man anywhere. Here on one review site I found a dating site for seniors and registered it there. Now he is not so lonely, because as it turned out there are also many women over 60 and they all liked my handsome uncle.