holiday rant...sorry guys

I've spent 15 years trying to have a relationship with my MIL. Sometimes, it is just a one sided street and when my newest sons were born, I closed the street since she got "upset" that my sons were in the NICU and she wasn't able to take pictures of them. I'm sorry the timing of them having to have medical procedures didn't work for your schedule. My MIL has a seriously selfish personality and she basically lost all of my respect with the way she acted when my twins were born. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try (i have an older son, I did nothing to stop them from having a relationship and I encouraged it by sending photos, gifts, artwork), you just don't see eye to eye with your mil. Yes, family is important but it is also important to have family that respects you and doesn't degrade the way you do things because they think it is "silly" (my mil would ignore the fact that my older son had food allergies and never remember what he was not allowed to eat (umm it was eggs). My husband has even given up on her and that hurts me more than I can say because I lost my mother and to have your mother alive, but not have a relationship, is a killer.

So Kristine, you need to make the hard decision. Do you want to have a relationship with your MIL? If so, start seeking out her advice on little things you feel you could actually do her way. Also, try to inquire about things she likes to do, ask her about her hobbies, trips, other family. Be helpful, courteous, and laugh at your mistakes. Call her and tell her "you know, I am new mom and now that I've thought about it, maybe I did overreact about the germs. I know you love your grandbabies and anytime you want to kiss them, go ahead". Take the first steps and be sure about yourself as you do it and it will work out better. Have confidence in yourself that you are good mom and good wife and show his family that you are.

 

Maybe both of you are concentrating a little too much on what not to do wrong, instead of just doing what's right. Can two adults not put aside their differences for the sake of the children?

It's quite clear that you seek her approval, and want her to like you. But, are angry that she won't. In cases like this maybe these baby steps are not enough. Wiping the slate clean and making some radical changes might do the trick.

Then, I'm sorry but that's just being nice for the sake of being nice, and IMO you don't really know how important it is to your DH and your children. That's the point almost everyone is trying to make here... You need to start liking it, liking them, liking your family... And, they are your family. YOU need to do this.

You're a mother, you want family, you want tradition, you want your kids to have a great life. So, do it yourself... It's not up to anyone else. Attitude is everything.

 

we've had long talks about things and wiping the slate clean and starting over but things always seem to cycle back to bad because she won't talk to me about what's upsetting her. honestly, i don't know what's right for her to accept me and to get along with me and neither does she, we've talked about it. it's a very good possibility that we are trying too hard instead of acceptance and moving past eachothers faults to have a relationship. compromise is key here and we both need to set aside our feelings for eachother to make things work.

in a perfect world, yes. and we're working on it.

i don't necessarily seek her approval, i don't care if she likes the way i do things i just ask that she please keep her negative comments to herself. she doesn't even have to like me, she just has to tolerate me and be nice as i do her. it's about acceptance. i'm not going to radically change who i am as a person to make one person happy and i don't expect her to do the same.

i DO know how important it is to DH actually but he is tired of the way his family treats me and finally sees that although they call me their "daughter" and "one of their own" they treat me like i'm broken. it's important for my kids to grow up and know their family members and to get love from all sides and i won't deny this opportunity from them at all. the only way i would shelter my kids from them is if they did something wrong to them emotionally or physically or if all they did was talk trash about me infront of them. family or no family, no child needs to be exposed to that kind of environment.

i may have, and probably do have, an entirely different view on what family is from most everyone on this forum and in the entire population if i had to guess. just because i married into my husband's family does not mean they are my family. the same goes for my parents, just because we share DNA does not make them my family. to me family is who you make it to be whether that's actual family members or friends. families support and love one another regardless. families are respectful and generous and can be whoever you want them to be. blood and marriage does not mean family, not to me at least. i'm sorry but people who share my DNA who abused me do not get to participate in my life or that of my children's lives and are not a part of my family. but that's just my opinion, like i said - i'm sure none of you will understand or agree with this. for the sake of DH, who incidentally is pissed off at all of his family's behavior and now really does want to move out of state to get away from them, i will make and am making an effort to be kind and courteous to each and every one of them. no i don't have to like them, i just have to get along with them.

agreed 1,000%

but i think this conversation is pretty well completed and finished now. it's just going around in circles.

 

Let me preface my response by saying that I have also had similar issues to Kristine. I have been threatened that she "caused 1 divorce in the family and can cause another" for no reason other than I refused to take her advice on a career move she disagreed with even though my DH agreed with me, seriously! This leads me to the rule I decided to live by after being repeatedly viciously attacked and believe you me I am not the only one that this happens to. Family (including grandchildren), store clerks, waitresses etc are all treated this way and since I didn't grow up with this, and the constant making of excuses for her behavior as the rest of the family did, I refuse to be treated this way.

My life rule: There are things in life one can never take back, words that have been said or actions that have been done. These are all chosen acts. Those who truly care will care enough to know that some wounds cannot be healed, they will spare those few words or actions that could cause those mortal wounds. Those who choose to wound so deeply first and ask for forgiveness later do so because it is clearly their intent to hurt you, no holds barred.

There are things I know that I can say to my DH that would seriously, seriously hurt him I CHOOSE to NEVER say those things. I CHOOSE to not hurt him that deeply no matter if we are fighting about something or not and based on his track record he does the same. I expect no less from my own family and I expect it from his. I will not be treated any other way than with respect. So when you say it's being nice just for the sake of being nice that doesn't always wash. Sometimes it truly IS better to have only a surface relationship with ILS and Grandparents. Sometimes it is bigger than just putting aside your differences.

MarchI, I totally agree!

Now I am not saying that I know Kristine's situation to be the same as mine but I have a feeling it is, and if so I just really couldn't sit back and not say what I have said.

 

I guess you're right. It pretty much will keep going in circles, if on the one hand you believe it's important for your children to get to know and love their family, while you yourself don't consider those same people to be your family.

Good luck to you!