Grandparents and authority

Discussion in 'The Toddler Years(1-3)' started by FGMH, Jul 19, 2013.

  1. FGMH

    FGMH Well-Known Member

    This is not a complaint about our grandparents, they are great but one thing is beginning to worry me. My dad is going on 80 and widowed and the kids and I go and spend at least one day a week with him. It is the highlight of his week and he spoils us a lot: cooking special meals, having cake or icecream for tea, saving the best fruit and veggies for us to pick in the garden etc. All of this I am fine with, but the kids do not seem to respect his authority, they will not mind him and this can get dangerous. I do have to take care of certain things for him that he can no longer do around the house and it used to be great that the kids would play peacefully with him meanwhile. Now, I am more likely to find them climbing on the furniture, throwing toys etc., all of these behaviours no-gos at home too. No special rules and I always remind them of what behaviour I expect before we get out of the car.

    It means that I am constantly stepping in "you heard what granddad said, please do xyz.". I have to follow through with hard consequences and tears a lot more than at home or in other public places because he cannot follow through and I am not always at hand to ensure compliance immediately. My dad just is not fit enough any more and does not have the energy any more, and of course the kids are smart enough to figure that out. But while my mom was still alive, even at her sickest lying in bed, the kids never questioned her authority.

    Do you have any ideas how I could ensure that our visits go more smoothly again?
     
  2. weegus

    weegus Well-Known Member

    You know, I just witnessed the same thing with my kids this week. The boys do fine with my dad (who is 66), but my dad also disciplines them and has made his authority known. When I took the kids to my in-laws, I was so embarrassed at how the boys kept hitting my FIL and acting crazy in general (he is 76). He is a soft spoken grandpa and he does not discipline them at all (which he shouldn't have to) and I think they know it and walk on him for it.

    What you are doing is great. Talk to them about what behavior is expected of them. If it were me, I would break out the threat. I would say "Grandpa always takes for ice cream... if you do not listen to him and behave, we will NOT get ice cream. You get three warnings and after that, NO ICE CREAM." If ice cream won't do it for them, pick what ever will and of course follow through. I know this kind of stinks for your dad because he wants to do nice things for his grandkids, but I am sure he will understand if you explain your reasoning. And hopefully you will only have to be mean mommy a few times before they get it.

    I also just want to put this out there... if they are bored at Grandpa's, them may act up. Maybe bring stuff for them to do, a movie or game to do with Grandpa while you work, or just keep them engaged in general. I know this is big at my in-laws house... there is NOTHING for them to do there and a TON of trouble they can get in to. I'm sure you already do this, though!

    Good luck!!
     
  3. babyhopes09

    babyhopes09 Well-Known Member

    Can you make 3-4 very clear easy rules for them at grandpa's (e.g., we do not climb on furniture) so that they know they have clearly crossed the line and go over the rules before each visit? Then if rules are broken then there is no --- for that offender that day. Or is it possible to end the visit for the that child and have a friend or significant other come and get them.. It should only take once or twice! The other thing I so feted is can you put a positive spin on it... Like we are going to visit to help Grandpa and give them a choice of two chores/jobs they can do to help Grandpa... Like maybe watering a flower or washing the front of a cabinet... Then when the job is done they can do fun stuff... That way they will be somewhat occupied and you can talk to them about how you are going to help Grandpa too and how hard it is for you to help if they break the rules?
     
  4. cheezewhiz24

    cheezewhiz24 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Ugh. I have a hard time with this, too. My parents live 3 doors down and come over but my kids don't listen to them well. My parents exacerbate this by giving in! My dad cleaned up after them a couple of months ago because he asked the kids and they said no and ran away. I could not believe it- these are not the same people who raised me.

    I don't have any suggestions but like what the pps have suggested.
     
  5. sharongl

    sharongl Well-Known Member

    Part of it is also the age. They just turned 4, and are testing their boundaries. My dad wouldn't even play with my kids before they turned 5, because they were simply too much for him to handle. Now, he loves spending time with them, taking them to museums, and stuff, because they can do that stuff. BTW, age has nothing to do with it--illness, maybe, but not the number. My dad turned 80 last week, and you would never know it to look at him! My MIL, who is the youngest of the grandparents, is the least involved because she can't handle the activity of my kids for long periods--the other three have no problem with my kids.
     
  6. FGMH

    FGMH Well-Known Member

    It is good to know I am not alone. Thank you for your ideas.

    Michelle, I agree - I also have a hard time believing that he is the same person who raised us.

    Meghan, we have lots of interesting toys at the grandparents' house (I actually have to rotate it) because my parents saved everything from our childhood and bought a little new stuff for the kids to have at their house.

    babyhopes, I like the idea of getting them to help me with the chores I need to do around the house. I have ended a visit once or twice but my parents were so upset about it (even though they are usually very good about not undermining my authority) that the kids felt that I was in the wrong not them, despite the usual procedure of warning, telling them the consequence and explaining why we had to leave.
     
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