Fostering independent friendships

I've tried to encourage my girls to be independent- from each other.  They've never been in the same class in school (for many reasons not just independence), they've gone solo to birthday parties when one is invited and the other one isn't, but the one thing I haven't done is made sure they had one-on-one play dates with friends.  If one wants a friend over, I usually ask the other if she wants to invite someone over too.  The playdates they've been invited to have always involved both of them.  This is partly because they have a lot of the same friends, but I also feel like I haven't encouraged it enough.  And I think maybe their friends' parents probably think it will be awkward if they only invite one child over.  

But then two weeks ago I hosted a playdate with a house full of girls, including one girl that A considers her favorite friend.  When the mom came to pick up the little girl I made a comment about trying to get the girls together for a one-on-one playdate because A has been asking for that.  Fast forward to two days ago, the mom contacted me and asked if A could come home on the bus with E and go to dance with her (its bring a friend day).  So A is going home with her friend today, M is upset and feels left out, but in reality M is going to brownies today and will have a fun afternoon with her friends.  But I feel like I should have spoken up sooner to other moms so if their kid only wants to play with one of my kids, they should feel like they can invite only one kid to a playdate!  
 
Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I feel bad that they are almost 8 and I'm just realizing this now.  Of course today is difficult to M (and me) because I feel bad she is disappointed but years of birthday party invites to one kid has taught us that it won't always be equal at the moment, but everyone gets their special moments eventually.

 

It is tough navigating the twin thing. I find myself forgetting that other parents might not be up for adding 2 kids to the mix. Absolutely don't beat yourself up over late realizations though... Hindsight is always 20/20 with these things. It sounds like your girls are happy and have lots of social interaction, so be glad of that!

 

The thing is though that it doesn't really matter when you start or how often you do it, they may/still/always be disappointed. And that's okay. Disappointment is a part of life. The important lessons are that it's okay to be disappointed, feelings change, and they'll be okay on the other side. I know it's hard as the parent when your child is upset but if you can view this overall as a positive thing for her to learn and know while maintaining empathy for her disappointment it'll be a great opportunity for connection and growth for you both. :hug:

 

Thanks guys.  I was really proud of both girls yesterday.  Ana told me she wouldn't talk or brag about it during the day, because she didn't want to hurt Meara's feelings.  Meara was genuinely interested and excited when Ana came home to hear all about the playdate and dance class.  Made me proud of my little buttercups who are becoming such big, independent, thoughtful girls.

 

This is so tricky especially with twins and having them feel left out. Wishing you all the best but you sound like an amazing mom being so mindful of the two of their feelings 

 

So far my 2 have had same play dates but we live in a small town so so are in the same class and have the same circle of friends. T2 does tell me she gets left out at school sometimes but I've just encouraged her to find a different friend to play with.
I have to admit though, I've not thought about other parents potentially finding it awkward to only invite one twin but it wouldn't worry me and I will talk to the 'other' twin about have separate interests and friends etc.
My miss5 twin 1 has started junior netball this year and twin 2 just didn't show enough interest to warrant her joining up. She seems fine with it however I wonder how she'll react at the end of season when participation trophies are handed out lol.

 

My daughter was invited to a classmate's birthday and my son was not (being that he is not in the same class as the birthday girl).  He was disappointed but my husband and I explained to him that he and his sister will not always be invited to the same parties or even the same playdates.  
 
My husband saw the birthday girl's Mom at a school function a couple of days later and she was profusely apologizing to him because she did not realize that my daughter was a twin and she felt terrible not inviting my son.  My husband told her she had no need to apologize and doing separate things is a good thing for both kids.
 
It is tough though.  My son prefers to play with his sister.  We try to encourage him to branch and sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't.