Dominant one overpowering less dominant one

I haven't been here in Quite some time.

My b/b fraternal 4 1/2yr olds are so unlike each other.
N has been looking for attention 24/7. He always does and is extremely outgoing. He fears losing me (death). He also has been talking obsessively about his twin. "My brother"
He seems to answer for him too.
M has been quiet, usually self sufficient but has been growling instead of using his words. He seems angry and resentful his brother invades and destroys his Lego and other creations.
He also doesn't clean up, but that is another issue...
We have been dealing with preschool bullies to both of them on top of our own issues.

Luckily both have their own rooms. I now have N in soccer and M in karate to give them something of their own.
Preschool this year & this fall are together...only 1class.

I'm looking for tips to tone down the attention getting dominant one and encourage the other one.
Help? It seems more than just sibling rivalry.

Oh, I don't have family close by and I don't have a babysitter so it is mainly my dh & I trying our best.
Thanks!

 

Anyone? Help?

Does my situation sound like yours?

 

I recommend the book siblings without rivilry. I love it. It has real life examples for different situations.

I have one who destroys his twins creations when he is bored, tired of an activity or wants attention. I try to pay attention and catch him before he does it. I know pretty much the timeframe and can see signs before he starts. I will direct him to a new activity or I will have him help me with laundry or dishes or something. If they are having a particularly rough time then I will get down and play with them. I try to find something we call all do with everyone getting a fair amount of my attention.

At this age I also find my one that has more trouble LOVES hands on activities like playdough. It allows him to work out some of his emotions more constructively. He also loves water so if he is struggling I stick him in the bath or the shower. He will happily play for a long time and his twin is happy doing his own thing.

 

My girls sound similar to your boys, and age has helped a lot! My quieter girl found her voice and started standing up to her dominating sister. We worked with her role playing what she can do when her sister takes something or bosses her. We also worked with my other daughter to talk about how she would feel if someone took her stuff and bossed her. It's been an on going process, but my girls are now 6 and things are better.

The other thing that helped them both was separating them in school. Is that an option for next year? :hug: