Difficult Time Adjusting To New Twins

Discussion in 'The First Year' started by Little June Bug, Jun 26, 2009.

  1. Little June Bug

    Little June Bug Well-Known Member

    Our twin boys are now 3 weeks old. They are pretty good and sleep alot during the day...they have evening fussies, crying and need to be held and soothed from about 7ish until 12 or 1am...then they sleep better during the night.

    DH and I are in this alone...we have a 3.5 year old with sleep issues (wont' go to bed when we ask, having nightmares, crying out in the night).

    DH is good with babies but he lets them cry too long for my liking. I get frustrated. He does other things first before tending to babies needs. He is getting 2xs more sleep than me as I just jump up and go to babies in the night....I tried getting him to get up but he's slow and sluggish and by the time he gets there, babies are very upset.

    This is taking a toll on me. I'm soo frikkin fatigued. I'm running on about 2-3 hours sleep a night. It's catching up with me. I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed and depressed.

    Last night....I fed Joesph and charted his feeding in our book....then when I went to bed (about 3am)...Ethan started crying for his milk so I nudged DH and said it was his turn.

    Well the crying went on and on for about a 1/2 hour and I got up to see what was going on and HOLY SMOKES! DH was in a stupor and feeding the wrong baby. He was feeding JOseph again! Poor little Ethan was crying and hungry. I was so upset.

    So I tried to tell him that I"m overwhelmed and tired and he needs to do more to help me...he got defensive and left the room.

    He said "suck it up - we have babies and sleep deprivation is part of it"!

    I told him he was unfair in that I need time to heal and my horomones are out of whack and I need him to put my sleep needs first. He scoffed. So we fought back and forth about the other not communicating.

    I told him I was taking the babies and our toddler and leaving for another province so my parents could help me and I could get some sleep.

    I told him that my mental and physical health was most important in all this.

    He does not agree.

    I think he's being a huge Jerk!

    Any advice? This is so tough. We are not adjusting well.

    I think I should look at hiring an evening support person...we can afford it but DH is sooo tight with our money it will be another major fight. So I will say....either I leave and get my family to help OR we hire someone. This is not working for us, what we are doing now.

    SIgh. Sooo tired. So sad. So overwhelmed. I can't do it all. :(
  2. megan smith

    megan smith Well-Known Member

    :hug: Im so sorry that you feel like that I remember sitting in the living room feeding the twins at 3 in the morning listening to my DH snoring so loudly and just sobbing. I would say someone to help is worth the fight over money if you really need them, it sound like exactly what you need. You're right about your physical and emotional health its so important! I hope you get a good nights sleep soon :hug: again.
  3. EricaG

    EricaG Well-Known Member

    Ugh hang in there. I remember those times very clearly and if you can afford to get some help then I say DO IT!! Maybe you can talk to your husband again when your both felling a little more alert.

    This stage doesn't last forever but it did last a couple of months for us.

    Take Care of yourself as best you can.

    Good Luck

  4. AimeeThomp

    AimeeThomp Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    QUOTE(Little June Bug @ Jun 26 2009, 06:58 AM) [snapback]1369623[/snapback]
    Any advice? This is so tough. We are not adjusting well.

    I think I should look at hiring an evening support person...we can afford it but DH is sooo tight with our money it will be another major fight. So I will say....either I leave and get my family to help OR we hire someone. This is not working for us, what we are doing now.

    SIgh. Sooo tired. So sad. So overwhelmed. I can't do it all. :(

    You are right, you can't do it all. I think hiring a part time helper is a great idea. I also would suggest possibly going to some marital counseling. You can schedule the counseling for times when the babies are asleep or perhaps enlist a neighbor or friend to watch them for 1 hour so that you can go. DH and I had a horrible time adjusting to 2 babies. Going to counseling really helped us to realize what the other person was going through and empathize with each other, which really helped.

    :hug: The first few months are so difficult!
  5. becky5

    becky5 Guest

    :hug: The first 3 months or so are so tough. You mentioned depression, please talk to your doctor if you even think you are slipping into one.

    Your husband sounds like he is having a rough time dealing with it also(maybe he needs to talk to his doc as well?), so I would absolutely enlist the help of someone(s) until you all are able to get some sleep.

  6. 4lilmonkeys

    4lilmonkeys Well-Known Member

    I agree with Becky on this one completely. These first few months really are the hardest, and if you have the opportunity to hire an extra pair of hands, take it. Lots of :hug:
  7. rrodman

    rrodman Well-Known Member

    Been there! As hard as it is to believe now, it will get better, you will get through it, and you will eventually - in the not too distant future even - laugh when you remember poor exhausted DH feeding the wrong baby. DH and I just kind of ignored everything between 12 and 6.

    Some advice - get someone, anyone - DH, a friend, a relative, a neighbor, someone you pay - to deal with one or two feedings so you can sleep for 5-6 hours at a stretch. You cannot imagine how much better you will feel. Also, it doesn't sound like you are feeding the babies at the same time. If one of them wakes up overnight - wake the other one up and feed him too. Feed them both at the same time or else you will be feeding one, then the other, then the first, and you won't sleep at all.

    Hang in there, don't divorce your husband. For me, it was 5-6 weeks that it started getting a little better - they would actually go to sleep at night (that awful 7-11 time frame) and then sleep solidly in between feedings. Once we got past that hell of wondering if they would even sleep (they are so good at waiting until just after you fall asleep), it was so much better.
  8. june07girl

    june07girl Well-Known Member

    HUGE :hug: :hug: We've all been there and it is so overwhelming.

    The lack of sleep is the worst and it can really make you feel very depressed and alone.

    Are you bottle feeding? If so, I would recommend getting an overnight helper even two nights/week to do the night feedings. Those nights you can get a full night sleep and feel refreshed and recharged in the morning. It will make a world of difference for you and for your husband. If he is not agreeable to that then I say for sure take the kids and stay with your parents for a while, you need that overnight help/support and if your husband isn't willing to take on his share, you need the help!!

    I think by just recongnizing that you need the help is fantastic, I always thought I would do this all on my own and I was quick to realize that I just couldn't do it alone or even with my DH, we needed more help and that's okay. I felt sad at the time about needing help but now I look back and think 'why didn't I ask for help sooner??' Having two newborns is exhausting and overwhelming so please don't feel bad that you need help, feel encouraged that you will soon be getting that extra sleep you need and deserve!!

    Hang in there!!
  9. tiff12080

    tiff12080 Well-Known Member

    :hug: The first few months were hell!!!. Here's what we did My husband would take the 8pm to midnight shift so that I could sleep. I always fed both babies one after the other. No confusion over who needs to eat. Also I would stop stressing about writing down how much they got. Definitely hire a night nanny!! We did for 1 month 3 nights a weeks and it was awesome. Like pp's mentioned talk to your doc about possible depression. Don't let it get to the point where you feel like you've lost it. I did, and I wish I had gone in sooner. It will get better!! :hug:
  10. cricket1

    cricket1 Well-Known Member

    If you can afford a helper get help. Maybe your mom can come to you and help? can you and DH set a schedule. My dh would stay up later and get the early night feed and I would go to sleep when we put them down "for the night" and then I would get the over night stuff because he would sleep through an earth quake, but he would take the early am as well. This gave him time w/them w/out me. But, in the begining we would both get up and feed them both at the same time for the first month or so. This way I was not getting up 20 min after laying back down. Good luck, hugs to you.
  11. tinalb

    tinalb Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    The first few months are so, so hard with any new baby and doubly so with twins! It is such a strain physically, emotionally, and mentally for you & your husband both. If you can afford to hire help, do it. Otherwise, try to get some rest whenever you can & focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. This phase does not last forever, although sometimes it seems like it will when you are in the middle of it! And I have to stress again what Becky said, if you feel like you might be slipping into depression, please talk to your doctor! :hug:
  12. 5280babies

    5280babies Well-Known Member

    I just want to send hugs to you! My husband and I are just starting to get into a rhythm - I was in your shoes very recently and you will perservere - I posted something similiar around the same time. We could not afford to hire help - and we are still trying to figure out a way to do that. If you can do it, fight for hired help! I still get incredibly mad quickly if my husband is working late or if he lets that girls cry too long on his watch - I run out of steam at the end of the day and dread the nights trying to get them to sleep. I think crying does something different to the mother than the father. I was mental over it and exhausted. I actually took my kids a 1,000 miles away for 3 weeks to be with my parents because it was the only way I could get help. I didn't give my husband a choice - I told him I had to do this to survive, and we all survived. Hang in there and do what you need to do for yourself. If you have time and resources to pay an outside source to counsel you through this that is great - this will probably be one of the toughest things you will ever go through with your husband. Just keep communicating if you can. Smooches!!!! And keep posting! :hug:
  13. EmilyorMLE

    EmilyorMLE Well-Known Member

    I physically hurt when I read your words. I remember exactly being in your shoes not that long ago. It was total and COMPLETE survival mode for us! My husband, for the most part, helped me at nights... but there were times that I'd nudge him in the middle of the night to tell him it was his turn and he'd start whining about how tired he was! I was so irritated!! Not to mention exhausted! I remember just sitting (yes, sitting) in the shower and crying because I just didn't think I could do it anymore. --that and I never wanted to get out because it was my only alone time.

    Now comes the beam of light. IT DOES GET BETTER! I look back at those first couple months and wonder how in the heck I did it all! Some of it is a blur. My boys are a little over 5 months now and it's so much easier. I would hire help if you can afford it! My MIL took the boys 1 night a week for 3 weeks and I looked forward to that night so much, it's what got me through the week. I wish she would have kept doing it, haha, but it ended after that. Also, sit down with your DH and talk when both of you are at your most awake state. Talking when you're tired and grumpy won't do too much good. As a twin mommy, we're all here for you!! --this site saved my sanity on many occasions!
  14. DATJMom

    DATJMom Well-Known Member

    :hug: Just echoing the pp's in that if you can hire help do it!! That is one fight that I would have if I had too. You are in survival mode and any amount of help you can get will only be beneficial to the ENTIRE family.

    For my DH and myself what worked for us was to each take a baby for the night. So when "that" baby woke it was up to the person assigned to him for the night to meet all of his needs. I usually took Derek who usually woke a bit more frequently <_< but that is just what worked for us.

    Hang in there. And definitely talk to your OB if you think you might have some PPD coming on. I waited way too long to talk to mine. :hug:
  15. slr814

    slr814 Well-Known Member

    QUOTE(EmilyorMLE @ Jun 26 2009, 08:30 PM) [snapback]1370573[/snapback]
    I remember just sitting (yes, sitting) in the shower and crying because I just didn't think I could do it anymore. --that and I never wanted to get out because it was my only alone time.

    Oh, I remember doing this! I also remember laying down next to a screaming baby, because I was afraid to hold them because I was blacking out from exhaustion. Even thinking back to this time makes me want to cry. But as far as things to help: I think another post mentioned this, but feed them together!! Even if the other one looks like a perfectly sound asleep angel; wake him up. I let my babies cry a lot in the beginning. I didn't have much help, and there was just no way around it. I felt bad, like I wasn't being a good enough mom, and that they would have been better off if they weren't twins. However, since there wasn't enough me to go around, they got into a schedule I could live with pretty quickly. They don't remember those horrible nights, and now things are SO SO much better. Get help if you can, and try to get them on the same schedule ASAP. It will help so much. I wish I had asked for more help. My mom left 5 days after they were born, and I was so scared wondering how I would handle it, but I didn't let anybody know. My sister offered to keep my older DD for a week, but DH refused. I was so near to completely cracking, I don't think DH ever realized.
  16. jnholman

    jnholman Well-Known Member

    My heart goes out to you. I completely understand how you feel. DH and I are the only ones here too. I called my mom and she stayed with us for the first few weeks. It was very helpful. Get help from anyone who offers. We cannot afford to pay anyone, but my neighbors help me every night. DH works swing shift, so I get to deal with the Bewitching Hour.

    Feed the babies together. Put them in bouncy seats, boppies, carseats....whatever you have, but it will give you the time in between feedings to get some sleep. It takes practice, but I find it almost easier to do it myself now than with a helper.

    I recommend reading HSHHT and HSHHC. It really helped me get onto a schedule and help them sleep better.

    The boys now STTN and they will be 11 weeks tomorrow.

  17. Farrah

    Farrah Well-Known Member




  18. Natalochka

    Natalochka Well-Known Member

    I have not read all of the replies, so I am probably repeating everything...but i think you should definitely get some help. maybe someone can help with 2 feedings - and you can have several hours of good sleep. one of the replies I did read mentioned feeding the babies at the same time. I second that! It made everything so much easier for us to have them eat at the same time. Don't worry, it does get easier!!
  19. atina

    atina Well-Known Member

    I know what you're going through. Taking care of two babies requires lots of work on a daily basis, and my husbad's work is very demanding. So while I waited for him to take over me with the twins when he gets back home, he expects to get some rest and sleep. when the boys wake up during the night for feeding it was a very tiring moment for us.

    But now thanks God one boy is sleeping the whole night and the other wakes up only once at night. so it's a bit more manageable.

    Just want to tell you that things will improve when the babies will start sleeping the whole night. it's just a matter of time.

    Good luck :hug:
  20. orangeyaglad

    orangeyaglad Well-Known Member

    You are in the thick of it now. As everyone says, it does get better. I didn't care if DH had to wake up at 6 to get ready for work in the morning. I still woke his butt up to help me. It takes two to tango and two to raise twins! Everyone was exhausted, but that's how it is in the beginning. Can you get help from in-laws, parents, friends?

    My husband and I fought a lot when the girls were that little (we are NOT big fighters)...it was tough, but you learn how to communicate better especially when your marriage could be on the rocks. Having kids is a real eye opener for your marriage. Trust me, you guys will get through this and then it will be almost like a piece of cake. ;)
  21. lewis514

    lewis514 Well-Known Member

    Agree with all the PP's.
    We are only managing one baby and I often wonder how we would manage with 2!
    We're doing much better now as DD is STTN and allowing both of us to get a full night's sleep. My DH is a late night person inherently so he stayed up with her and did the feeds until he goes to bed (normally like 1am) so I started going to bed at ~9pm so I could sleep until she woke up at 4am. Now, did I want to go to bed so early or get up so early? Heck No! But it did allow me to get sleep that was needed.
    Also, if I am really tired during the day, I tell DH that I need a nap and he will take care of everything for the afternoon (normally on a weekend).
    We also had MIL come and stay with us for about 5-6 days when DD was 2 weeks old and that was awesome! She did our laundry, cooked all our meals and went grocery shopping. My Mom also came up as needed to help; some days when she showed up, I had her watch DD while I took a shower or something. She also helped with laundry or anything else I needed done.
    If you think you are depressed, please talk to your doctor or you Women's Health department at the hospital. They can help with support including helping with talking with your husband.
    Good Luck! Big :hug:
  22. Little June Bug

    Little June Bug Well-Known Member

    Thanks for all of your replies. It's been a rough week to say the least. I was averaging about 1-3 hours sleep a night and that is not enough for me. Last night I got about 4 hours so I feel much better today.

    We haven't talked in detail but are doing a little better and not fighting.

    We try to keep the babies on the same schedule but they are sooo different with regards to their intake and appetite...seems they are going through a growth spurt the last days...they are eating about 2-3 ozs every hour to two hours and they are like little savage monsters....chewing on our clothes and their hands..fussy fussy fussy. I feel frustrated they cannot settle.

    The part I also find tough is that DH can let them cry in the crib for extended periods....I get sweats and anxious and HAVE to pick them up. Soo I've told him this but he says we cannot always do that and they have to wait. :(

    I cannot let him take a shift as this crying bothers me and I feel I HAVE to hold them and try to walk/sooth them....

    We have differing views on the crying....also on how we sooth...I cuddle into them and he just tries to stick soothers in their mouth from their crib...then they gag and cry harder and he just keeps trying to put the soother in and I know they don't want it....sigh.


    I'm trying to go minute by minute...we need to talk more, DH and I...we just need more sleep so our emotions are not heightened...

    He will not agree to us hiring help. He's such a frugal guy....he says we can handle it ourselves...we just need time to adjust....I told him I didn't feel we were doing well...he said he will try harder...but it does not change...his ways are his ways....

    I feel so tired and cannot think straight....I know I"m rambling here but need to get it out too...

    Thanks for listening. :)
  23. tiff12080

    tiff12080 Well-Known Member

    Ramble away. It's tough. My husband would always try to keep the babies quiet on his shift because he knew I was sleeping. That would really give him bad anxiety because he was so afraid to wake me. I had terrible trouble sleeping after days without sleep. My husband caved and got help when he saw I was completely losing it. I cried every day and was a wreck. Keep talking to your hubby, I think he will eventually come around on the help.
  24. swilhite25

    swilhite25 Well-Known Member

    The first two or three months are so hard, but like everyone else has said it does get easier. When DH and I would fight it was really just because we were extremely sleep deprived and not able to communicate effectively. It is a huge adjustment going from a family of two, to a family of four. But just hang in there and focus on eating and sleeping - that goes for you and the babies. I had a hard time sleeping when they would sleep but it is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Who cares if its eight in the morning or four in the afternoon, every little bit helps.

    Also, someone else mentioned feeding the babies together and getting on a schedule. That's what we did from the start and in our case it was wonderful. DS was 5.4 at birth and hypoglocemic; he had to eat every 2 1/2 - 3 hours and we couldn't let him sleep even if he wanted to so we would feed him and then wake up his sister and feed her too. It gave us consistency throughout the day and night. Sometimes I would sit them both upright in boppies and feed them at the same time if they both woke up crying. One mistake we made was delaying bed time until after the nine o'clock feeding. Somehow we never got them down until 10:30 or so and then they were up at midnight. It was miserable. We are expecting another baby in February and I can say with certainty that we will put this baby down after the 7pm feeding so we can sleep a little, talk, eat dinner, etc. before the 10pm feeding.

    Keep talking to your husband and find a way to work with each other. Once I was able to convey to my husband why I felt doing things a specific way was important he was a lot more receptive. He realized it wasn't just a "mommy in control" thing. Even if they only help you ever get is to have someone come in every now and then so you can have a date night with your husband do it. It will be so worth it. You two will need to stay close and keep your marriage solid - it will make for happier babies in the end. We lived 11 hours away from family when our babies were born and we were on our own after the grandmothers left at the two-week mark so these are just things I wish someone had told me in the beginning. You can do it, so keep trying and before long you two will fall into a routine that works for everyone. Good luck!!
  25. ilovemonkeys

    ilovemonkeys Well-Known Member

    Ugh. I remember those days. My husband would do a night shift, even when I stopped working he would still do one. That way I was able to get 3 straight hours of sleep along with a few hours here and there. My husband is not very alert at night either. I'm not sure how he was able to do those night shifts and feed and change the babies diapers but luckily they survived. At first I would go running in there if I heard one of the babies crying and he would send me back to bed. I had to learn to trust that he could do it. That stinks that he won't let you hire someone to help at night especially since you can afford it. We had a friend who came and did a full night 2 times for us and it was wonderful. If we could have afforded a night nurse we would have gone that route. I so wanted to take the babies and go to my mom's as well where I could have had round the clock help but I didn't end up doing it.

    I agree with the PPs: At that age I would feed them together when the first one wakes up. We used the boppies and propped the bottles with blankets so we could burp and change the other ones diaper.
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