Are you the "assumed" primary parent?

I defiantly understand where your coming from. In the very beginning, DH was UBER helpful. He took one baby every night - and did everything for him (he always volunteered to take the "fussy" one) - took the initiative on baths, feeding etc. I saw a big change around 8 weeks, when we started to get into a routine. I think, for us, what happened was, in the beginning, I was as clueless about babies as he was (i'd never even changed a diaper or held a newborn b/f the boys) - so there wasn't a "right" way -- we kind of just bumped along together - and he felt confident in his skills with the boys. However, as things started to stabilize - (and I was home with the boys until they were 6 months old) - and I started to figure out the "right" way to do things - he really slacked off. Looking back I can see, that though I didn't really mean to - I really discouraged him from helping, because I was always giving suggestions on the "right" way to do something. At the time, to me, it seemed helpful (I mean if I tried 600 ways to do "X" and found the "best" way - why not "help" right?) - but I think DH really took it as criticism -- and over a period of time = he just "gave up". He went through a long period where he wouldn't do anything unless I specifically asked him to (other then play with the boys) -- but we had a long talk - and I gave him specific jobs to do every day. If he's home (sometimes he works really late) - it's his "job" to put out bath stuff - feed them dinner, and start baths - I do help - but I don't start/ask about it - until he starts. That has really helped. He's taken ownership over this - and we do it "his" way.

I know he knows what to do -- I’ve left them with him for the day - and they get fed at all the right times, naps, etc. (they might get chicken and carrots for breakfast - but in the end that doesn't matter ;-) He still isn't great about those things that are "outside" his "job" -- (some is laziness I know - why not let me take care of that poopy diaper right??) I've noticed a big change as I've tried to actively engage him is "decisions" about the boys (i.e. what kind of toys should cull out b/f their first birthday, can he think of any clothes he noticed doesn't fit them well etc) - he really seems to be "thinking" about them more - if that makes sense.

I don't know if any of this would apply to you -- but this was my experience.

 

When Dh is at work, obviously I do everything. When he is home and isn't doing homework or business work- then I would say it's at least 50/50 but most of the time it's about 60/40 or 75/25 (him being the bigger percentage) Luckily he has no problem changing diapers and stuff. He loves being involved with the babies. So when he is home and available- I sit back and relax..lol

 

My DH is very proactive with the babies, but there have been a handful of times that I do have to ask for help and he will always stop whatever he is doing and come help.

 

I have to ask, and ask again for him to help. I get so frustrated with him, but I realize he's afraid of doing something wrong. After I blew up a few weeks back, he now bathes one of the boys every night. That was a big step!

The thing that really, really bugs me though, is my hubby's sensitive stomach. I get queasy as much as the next person, but if he has to change a poopy diaper, he throws up!!! His brother's kids were visiting this past weekend, and one of them got sick and I had to clean up the vomit at 1 in the morning. If the dogs get sick or poop in the house *I* have to clean it up. If I insist that he do it, I end up cleaning his vomit too. One morning, he came into our bedroom before leaving for work, woke me up and said "I hate to do this to you, but Hank (170 lb. puppy) had an accident in his crate, and it was so bad I couldn't even stay on the same floor so I drank my coffee in the basement. Can you clean it up?" So I had to get up, clean a pile of **** so big and so stinky that it made my eyes water, and THEN deal with the morning with twins routine all by myself.

And yet, in the hospital, he cleaned up all the nasty meconium poops. I asked how he could do that and not get sick, but one tiny little turd in a diaper now sends him reeling. His response "those meconium poops didn't look like poop"

*sigh*

I am dreading the first stomach bug.

 

Generally, my husband and I leave the house at the same time, and drop the boys off at daycare, and then we both go to work. He has to be to work at 8, and I have a flexible start time. The other morning, I was running behind and he says to me, "If you want my help dropping the boys off at, we need to leave in 20 minutes (I'd only been up for 10 minutes, and the boys hadn't eaten)." I asked him why is it that *I* am the one who gets help dropping the boys off. Why isn't it *him* that gets help dropping the boys off? If I wasn't ready in 20 minutes, he could take the boys to daycare and I could enjoy a quite morning, and perhaps even eat breakfast for once. I'll even drive the truck -- it was my truck before we got married -- he can drive the 'mom' car!

Aimee --- My husband is the same way! Jack had a really bad poopy diaper one day, and he said, "I think mommy needs to get this one!" I told him I would, but that he only was entitled to one "pass", and did he really want this one to be it.

 

I am the "primary parent" but that is because DH works 4-10 our days a week. He has to drive an hour to work so on his work days he is gone for over 12 hours. By the time he gets home he is eating, showering, getting things ready for work the next day, and heading off to bed. He does help usually though, when he gets home and enjoys spending time with the babies, even if it is only for an hour or so. On his days off he helps me with night time feeding and helps off and on throughout the day, but even then, I am still the one who fills most of the needs. I guess it's because he doesn't know our schedule or routine. Maybe yours is unsure about the routine and doesn't know what he should do. You could write it out for him, so he knows what is going on and ask him if there is any part of it that he wants to be in charge of, if you feel that what is happening right now isn't working for you. Guys don't know how to jump in and help a lot of times.

 

Often the best thing is just to say... "here I'm going out for 3 hours" and let him fend for himself. It is usually good for them to have their own bond with the babies. Good for you to have some alone time as well. So book up a hair appt, day at the spa, gym session, etc. and get out and go.

Heather

 

yes, and this is a sore subject too! It's like I am the default parent. Dh does a lot but it is not equal. BTW we both work full time.

 

DH took delayed PT leave after the babies. I was supposed to go back to work FT but returned PT instead. I decided to be the B parent while he is off and it ROCKS!!! I LOVE that he is in charge and I don't have to stress. Man......if only it could stay this way forever! Men who play the "typical" role have NOTHING to complain about in my book!

(DH is great all the time otherwise but being the A parent has really changed him - it took a few weeks to get going though!)

Jen