anyone a new SAHM? does DH help? so burnt out here!

Discussion in 'The First Year' started by Krissa72, Nov 11, 2009.

  1. Krissa72

    Krissa72 Active Member

    I had to quit my job of 8 yrs to stay home with my new twins - 3 months old - also have a 4 yr old in preschool. I am so burnt out. DH gets home from work and all he does is hold or feed babies. I handle all the laundry during the day (so much laundry now), the dishwasher, bottles (oh so many bottles!) garbages, cleaning, bathing all kids, etc etc etc - little by little this has all been pushed on me - he says do you want to hold the babies, well no I am with them all day and need a break! He sits on the couch and I go back n forth back n forth. Every day I keep the house straight and every morning all I do is pick things after people and I have had it. I am type A - he is type Z! and I am going insane trying to adjust to this all.
    just had to vent I guess and wonder am I alone here? does your Dh do more even though he is the one working? I feel like I need a day off yet I no longer have a job, I feel like this is so much harder than work was.
  2. tinalb

    tinalb Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Of course you have a job! You have a very important, very exhausting job & you deserve a day off sometimes just like any working mom or dad. I do agree with you, this job is much harder, in my opinion, than working ever was. But it's also more rewarding. To see their little faces light up when you walk in a room, to see their smiles, to be there to kiss their scrapes & bruises and have them wrap their little arms around your neck, it all makes it worthwhile. However, for your own sanity, you do need some time off to take care of you. Can your dh look after them for you for half a day on Saturdays (or any other day he is at home)? I would just have a talk with him, explain that you are exhausted & need some time to yourself. I know my husband would never just volunteer to look after them, he just didn't think of me needing time off. But, if I told him, he was always willing to step up & take them for a few hours so I could take a break.
  3. ptyflack1

    ptyflack1 Well-Known Member

    I stay at home M-F, then work double weekends. I inflicted this torture on myself because I wanted to take care of my 4 kids including the twins.

    I feel for you, so I advise you to let some things go. I was once considered to be type A,but had to learn to not want so much control. I am not a superwoman. :drown:

    I read alot of what others blog on here, I can't do what they do. I feel inadaquate, but in order to have sanity, I let a little go.

    Can you hire outside help? I only use a housekeeper every 2 weeks, but she does the big stuff, and helps me with laundry.

    DH and I trade and he cooks I'll have dish duty or the other way around.

    Teenagers are also great for help, just so you can take a bath, or run an errand.

    It's going to get better. It does get more fun.

  4. E&Msmom

    E&Msmom Well-Known Member

    My DH works full-time and I work 2 days a week.
    we both contribute. We also pay for help when we need it. Occasionally I have a babysitter watch the kids so I can do fun things for me, sometimes I have her watch the kids so I can do housework, other times I have her come an extra hour to help me with chores!

    DH & I alternate things like while I clean up dinner & kitchen he bathes the twins. I wash/dry all the laundry and then we heap it all in the living room and fold/sort and take to everyones rooms once a week. The big thing is finding a way to do things with the kids. Bouncy chairs, high chairs, slings etc.

    When my kids were younger I always used one of their naps to do "work" and the other nap to relax myself. Now that they are older I try to find ways to incorporate them into the chores so I can use their 1 nap as ME time.

    Staying at home is SUPER HARD. You deserve a break. Sit down and brainstorm with DH what NEEDS to be done, when, and how you can accomplish it :)
    Remember while he is at work "working" you are at home "working" when he gets home you both have to do some work so you can both relax together :).
    best of luck. This was one of our biggest challenges having twin newborns and me adjusting to staying home more.
  5. AimeeThomp

    AimeeThomp Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    :hug: We had a really tough time adjusting to our new roles too. It takes time but eventually it will work out. My DH is in charge of the garbage, the yard, the car maintenance, and he picks up the house. I do the cleaning. When he's home we split the childcare.

    At first I was becoming the person who did everything while he didn't do much. I had to just stop picking up after him. If he leaves his clothes on the floor, they stay there until he picks them up. I do the laundry, but I only wash what is in the hamper. If he leaves his clothes somewhere else he washes them himself. If he leaves a wet towel on the floor in the bathroom, I leave it there. I'm not here to pick up after him. It has worked out but it took several months.
  6. haleystar

    haleystar Well-Known Member

    I am in the same boat as you although I don't have a preschooler. My twins are my first and only (totally unplanned and unexpected) children.

    I consider myself a single parent because my DH works a riduculous amount of hours and is only home for a complete 24 hours once a week. He is a fire fighter and works 24 hours straight every third day and in between works a part time job for 10 hours a week. When he does get home on the off days at the fire department he gets home at 6:30-7pm and we go to bed at 10pm so that's only 3 hours a couple of nights a week that we get to spend time together and when he's gone for 24 hours I'm totally alone. When he is home during the weeknights he will play with the babies but even then I don't get a break because he won't/doesn't know how to handle two at once so I have one and he has one. I handle all of the other feedings and am the one that gets up in the middle of the night if the boys need me. I'm responsible for all of the housework, laundry, you name it. It's tough and sometimes I think it would be easier for me to go back to work and put the kids in daycare during the day but truth be told I would be working just to get a short break from the kids and all of the money I would make would go straight to daycare so we wouldn't be making any headway financially AND I would STILL have to take care of all of the chores and the babies when I got home, by myself. So for me, working would only ADD to my stress.

    Fortunately for me, I'm getting way more patient then I ever have been in my entire life (praying it stays this way) and am able to tolerate dealing with two kids at once and the constant feedings, etc. I try to spread cleaning of the house over a period of 2 days so it doesn't totally wipe me out. I'm still tidying up and picking up after DH and washing and preparing 10 bottles a day, giving baths and general everyday things but I try not to overwhelm myself and do everything everyday. So on the days that I'm not the super 50s housewife I try and take the kids out of the house, go to the park, baby groups, etc. and have a little fun with them, it helps a lot with all the stress of being a SAHM.

    Sometimes I would like for someone to just come and take them for a few hours so I can have some alone time either with friends or maybe a date with DH but honestly, I don't trust anyone else to take care of my kids the way that I do.

    It's a TOUGH job but well worth it, at least for me. :D
  7. kingeomer

    kingeomer Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    :hug: It is tough!!! My suggestion to you is to try to talk to your DH about how you feel. Thank him for being willing to spend time with the babies when he gets home from work but see if you both can come up with a solution where he can help with some of the chores. Maybe he can do bath night a couple nights a week? You could take turns cooking dinner, divide up household chores. I became at SAHM when the twins were born and it was a tough adjustment for me. I felt like I was not contributing to the household because I was not bringing money in. After the babies were born and I severely stressed myself out by trying to be the one to always care for the babies and keep the house up, DH and I had to have a talk about splitting up the chores. It's worked well for us.
    :hug: Hang in here Momma!
  8. Rach28

    Rach28 Well-Known Member

    Your DH sounds like my DH! They seem to think that as we control the situation so well that we dont need the help. So I started telling my DH that he needs to help & Im also doing a full time job! It´s starting to sink in and he is better with our LOs now they´re older but he isnt much help around the house. Men just dont seem to get it. Its when Im ill that he realises what I do. Im at home with my LOs in the mornings (I do an 8-9am class everyday) then they go to daycare in the afternoons so I do get a break from teh kids but I go and do some classes so it´s not free time for me!

    In your shoes, I´d talk to him and divide up the tasks and even print off a task list so he knows what he has to do. I think I may take my own advice!
  9. DATJMom

    DATJMom Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to add that we created a list on a dry erase board of all the things that needed to be done before we went to bed that day. That worked well at motivating both of us to share in the housework and taking care of the babies.
  10. atinar

    atinar Well-Known Member

    :hug: I also quit my job to stay with my twins. However, I had to hire a full time housekeeper to take care of the house cleaning, laundry, etc. While I take care of my babies from changing nappies, cooking, playing, etc. My DH works full time. He never changed a diaper. But he helps me bathing the babies. He spends more quality time with the babies now, instead of the computer because I asked him so. For him I am resting all day long at home while he's the one working hard outside :huh: . When he says so, I let him spend 2 hours with the babies until he says: I am exhausted :) So I remind him that if in 2 hours he's exhausted what would he be if he spend the whole day with the babies like I do. :) At times, I know it's so hard to remain cool! Going out for a walk helps me cool down. When you're calm you need to have a communication with your DH that he needs to help you more. He might not get it from the 1st time however if you insist on the subject he'll finally get it. Remember we come from different planets: Men are from Mars and Women from venus :) Good luck to you :hug:
  11. nycmomma

    nycmomma Well-Known Member

    Lots of good advice. I'm also a new SAHM with a husband who works 7:30a-7:30p. When my boys were little and didn't go to bed until later, he helped me with everything equally once he was home. Now that they boys are asleep when he gets home he wakes up a half hour earlier to play and supervise while I get ready/eat/drink a cup of coffee and he's a ton of help with the babies on the weekends. We have a housekeeper every other week, but I still do laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, baby care, etc. He will occasionally clean up after our dinner, but that's about it for household tasks. BUT... that's why he's willing to pay for a housekeeper, he feels like that's his "share."
  12. zetta

    zetta Well-Known Member

    There's a really good book called The Lazy Husband that has very practical and realistic suggestions for getting more help from your DH.

    In my case DH took over cooking dinner while I was pregnant with our first child (and falling asleep at 7pm every day), and I was smart enough to just let that keep going even after I became a SAHM. We also pay for a housecleaner every two weeks, which makes a huge difference. When hiring her I made sure she was willing to fold laundry, and so I just have to make sure and run 2-3 loads in the days before she arrives.
  13. danabd

    danabd Well-Known Member

    I agree Krissa. This is ridiculously more hard than work was! I am a very new SAHM and am really struggling with this too. You are not alone. DH helps but it is never enough and he doesnt realize how hard this is day in and out. And he treats me like the house slave now. Hands over the monitor and goes to bed, only helps when asked to take a "shift". Love being with my babies but this really sucks re my marriage. It has put us in constant competition over who does more, who works harder, etc. It would be easier in ways to come home and share the duties equally. But i also dont want my LO's in daycare so this is best for them. Hopefully mommy and daddy make it through the first year with twinfants. this is torture on a marriage.
  14. MeredithMM

    MeredithMM Well-Known Member

    I am a new SAHM too, and I agree with some of the pps. It is WAY harder than any job I have ever had working outside of the home, including back when I used to work over 60 hours a week. Not only is being a SAHM physically exhausting, it is also mentally taxing as well. It takes A LOT of mental work to figure out how to juggle infant twins while also taking care of a home. I know for me sometimes it's hard to remember that I am 'working' because there is no paycheck involved. But, as my husband always reminds me, I AM working. If I did not stay at home we would have to pay for daycare, and that alone is as expensive as a salary!
    So sometimes I find it helpful to think of how much it would cost to pay someone for the things I do everyday---then I can see that I am actually working two full time jobs or more!! Knowing this helps me remember to speak up for my own time and needs.

    My husband works full time, and we have no help to speak of. My MIL came from overseas and helped out for three weeks after the babies were born, but since then it has just been us, except on the few times I have had someone help with the kids for an hour or so while I went to the doctor. We can not afford to hire help, so that has always been out of the question. However, if we could afford it I would hire one in a heartbeat. I think every twin mom needs a housecleaner!

    Thankfully my husband sees childcare and household chores as his responsibility too, so we tackle things together. I agree with other people--if your husband is not going to offer to help, you have to ask him for help. The way I see it is that our babies are OUR responsibility. IMO it is never, ever fair for a Mom to work hard all day while her husband is at work, and then when her husband comes home from work she continues to work hard while he relaxes.

    I know one thing my husband does that helps a lot is on the weekends is he takes the boys for a while so I can sleep a few extra hours or run to the store or just sit in the kitchen and have something to eat without bouncing a baby at the same time. When he comes home from work he takes over for a while so I can make dinner, go outside with the dogs, or run to the store. On the weekends he takes over for a while so I can just have some alone time. This helps me to be ready to face the coming week.

    We also make a lot of lists of things that need to be done around the house and then divide up those responsibilities between us so that we can each see that the other is really working hard to keep things running smoothly.

    I agree with many of the pps. It's all about communication. Sit down and talk with your husband and figure out how you can divide up the responsibilities in a way that is fair and that honors not only his time but *yours* as well. As I am quickly learning, being a SAHM is one of THE hardest jobs there is. It is a job that demands the utmost respect!! Sometimes we SAHMs have to remind our husbands of that.
  15. Pitbullzz

    Pitbullzz Well-Known Member have a job, and a very big one.

    Your DH needs to step it up and help out a lot more than just holding or feeding.
  16. Pitbullzz

    Pitbullzz Well-Known Member

    LOL...SOME don't get it. I'm sure some women on here would disagree.

    Just have to throw it out there, cuz I know I would get "flamed" if I made a generalization about women ;)
  17. caba

    caba Banned

    Definitely talk to your DH about it. Is it possible that he is thinking that holding and feeding the babies is what you need him to do? I was home with the kids only for the first 5 months before I went back to work full time, but I know when DH came home, I immediately made him in charge of the babies ... and I happily did the "housework" just to get away from the kids for a while.

    The most important thing that you can do in this situation is TALK to him and tell him what you need. At 3 months old, it's still tough, and there probably isn't a set schedule. You will figure it all out as time goes on, but make sure you figure it out together. Maybe after you put the kids to bed you can each do a few things ... so it's not overwhelming for anyone.

    As a WOHM, I can't fully understand the SAHM lifestyle, since I'm not living it. But I do think that working or SAH, we need our husbands to be equal partners in parenting. If you feel like he isn't, just talk to him about it. Maybe he just doesn't realize what you need from him.
  18. chellebelle

    chellebelle Well-Known Member

    :hug: it's beyond hard (although I am not technically a SAHM since I'm still on maternity leave). Having 3 under 18 months I KNOW (and tell my hubby all the time) that he would rather be at work LOL, this is harder than working out of the home for sure. My DH is very helpful though so I can't really complain too much. Just a thought, to me holding and feeding is help because I don't have all the arms and hands I need, (please don't kill me or take this the wrong way) :escape: so is it that your DH thinks that's what you need and that he actually is helping? Just a thought. I don't mind being the one to cook dinner if DH wants to hold a baby although he usually chooses cooking dinner, perhaps I should brush up on my culinary skills rotfl! A little alone time with the babes might help him realize just how hard it is so he can have an appreciation of how hard you work. It shouldn't take much heehee. Oh and all we really do is a general clean up/tidying every day...unfortunately the real cleaning just has to wait til we can find the time and if we can't well it's really not that dirty anyway. ;) Laundry often time gets picked from the dryer as we need it and only gets folded when the new load has to go in, but thats life and other things are more important. I hope he can understand that so that you can feel that you don't have to be supermom.
  19. Kateryna

    Kateryna Well-Known Member


    Same here. DH works 8am - 6pm and I have no one to help me ever. Twins are my only babies so I'm sure it's easier in that way. I have a system.

    Monday - Clean all sinks
    Tuesday - Clean toilets
    Wednesday - Dusting
    Thursday - Vacuum/Mop
    Friday - Laundry
    Saturday - I go grocery shopping and cook for the next week.

    + Washing bottles, sterilizing, washing dishes, preparing formula, light cleaning, etc.

    It also really gets to me and I have panic attacks sometimes because I feel like that's all I ever do in my life.

    The rest of the time, I have a rule to always put everything away right after using it and keep house organized. DH does help, but in the same way - he will hold the babies whole I "hurricane" all over the house cleaning, otherwise he says he'll do it but then I should hold the babies.

    At the end of the day I'm beat and the next day is a groundhog day all over again :faint:
  20. twointheoven

    twointheoven Well-Known Member

    Your husband sounds exactly like mine! It is great to have a the help.

    I agree with PP's, you should talk to your DH, and let him know how you are feeling. He may "think" he is doing good, and not realize you are ready to go "crazy."

    I worked a tough job with long hours before my boys were born, and this is MUCH harder, but so much more rewarding. I constantly stress over getting things done. You are not alone in how you are feeling. Actually I recently figured out I was suffering from depression. I am working through that, and I also joined a group called They have a great system for cleaning, and it is really helping me get things under control, while learning to also take time for myself. You might want to check it out! I hope things get better for you soon! :)

    I also wanted to add. DH and I started making lists, and it really helped to keep each other on the same page as to what needs to be done. This helped him better understand how much was hanging over my head. And don't forget to take time for yourself!! This is SOO important. At least once a week, I take off when DH gets home from work. I run errands, shop, etc..., while he puts the LO's to bed. It helps renew my spirit.
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