5 1/2 year olds, not listening to a word we say.

My boys will be 6 in December. At school, church and with anyone other them my husband or I my children are angels! I get reports from everyone to keep doing what ever it is that Im doing bc our kids are so polite, helpful, and just a joy to be around. What a total 180 from how they are at home. With in moments of them waking up I'm ready to pull my hair out of my head. I try to keep them busy with activities, playing outside just what ever. Time outs dont work for bad behavior, they will do their time and then when they get up they are at it again. They dont have anything they really care about so taking something away from they has NO effect bc they dont "love" anything. They get upset for a minute or two and then its right back to bad behavior.

Does anyone have any experience with this?

 

OH YESS!!! And I'm sorry to say but mine are almost 11 and still do the same thing.

I once had someone tell me that its a complement to you as a parent that your children KNOW where they can and can't push their limits. That they know they should behave when they are not with you. I guess its a compliment, but goodness gracious I wish they'd spend a little bit of time behaving for me as well!

I have no real advice to you, but sympathy, I feel for you. There are times when I quite honestly want to throttle my girls when we are at home. I do the only thing I can think of to do....take them out in public! Sometimes just that half hour or hour in walmart or the grocery store, or anywhere other than at home, calms us ALL down.

Now that mine are older...I admit to getting in the car and driving off for 5-15 minutes, alone, leaving them at home. We live next to my brother and his wife, so I always call and tell them. I drive down the road a few hundred yards and sit.

 

We have been having to limit or trip into the public lately. They are good in church until we pick them up from their class then all he// breaks loose. We used to be able to take all 3 to dinner and we got compliments on well behaved they were and now we cant go to dinner anymore. As long as they ar with us their behavior is horrible. Shopping is now a nightmare Looks like I have no hope for a turn around

 

Something I once read about boys, and it holds true for my Timothy, is that if you want to talk where they'll listen, you need to do something with them. Like, sit next to them and build with Legos and talk casually while you build. Men talk while sitting next to each other and making no eye contact doing things like fishing, watching sports, shooting guns, etc. Women tend to want eye contact and attention. It really and truly works better for me to talk to Timothy while we do something other than just talk.

If they don't have anything they really care about, it sounds like they have too much stuff. You might try just putting up half the toys. When toys get a bit more scarce, they might care if something gets put up. If they can just go to the next thing in the pile, why should they care? I also found that mine played better with less stuff.

You might try positive reinforcement. Catch them doing good and praise them. Timothy does much better getting steered along a positive path by compliments instead of trying to 180 his behaviour. I also don't mind resorting to a bit of bribery now and then. Right now I have 1/2 sized cans of root beer in the fridge. When Timothy's done a great job behaving, I surprise him with a small can of root beer.

Hope some of this helps,

Marissa

 

The boys and I donated almost all their toys about a year ago. They have a select few toys they play with, mega blocks, their TS3 action figures and a transformer or 2. Toys for some reason have never been that huge of a thing with any of my 3. We have a big selection of books and games we play as a family so I have to disagree with them having to much stuff. I will for sure be trying to do an activity with them while we talk that actually sounds like something that might work! We do reward for good behavior. I picked up a pack of reward coupons from the $1.00 store and when they stay in the green all day they get to pick anything they want to put on the coupon to redeem. I also kept the little half size cans of pop in the fridge or a special snack or treat for them but that does not seem to help. Their behavior has really gotten worse since school is out and I know they miss their friends and school so Im guessing thats a HUGE factor right now.

Im going to give the talking during an activity a shot though! thank you!!

 

It sounds like having some outside activities might help. Are there any summer classes near you that you could get them involved in? Preferably something high-energy that would tire them out. Failing that could you invite a couple of friends over for them to play with or arrange a regular meet up with some friends at a park or play area?

 

I've been reading Positive Discipline, looking for some ideas for dealing with my 5.5 year olds. I really like it so far, but it might not be for everybody -- she is very opposed to punishment (including punitive time-outs and taking toys away) and prefers to think of it as (I'm paraphrasing), "The goal of discipline is not to make the child suffer -- the goal is to stop the misbehavior WITHOUT making the child suffer." (Of course sometimes they have fits because they don't get what they want, but she considers that an opportunity to help them manage their angry/sad/disappointed feelings, rather than another reason to punish them.)

If that sounds appealing to you, definitely check out the book. It's gotten extremely good reviews from a lot of people whose opinion I respect.

To some degree it is just a stage (like everything) -- they have been through many difficult stages (usually around 5 months after their last birthday) and they always seem to come out of them eventually. I never know if it's because of anything we did or didn't do, or whether it's just that they entered a new stage.

Also, on a more practical note, ditto on getting out of the house. Sometimes I worry that my kids have no idea how to entertain themselves at home, but that's because home is where they bicker, whine, tantrum, etc. -- so we try to stay away from it as much as possible!

 

This was a tough stage for my oldest. I found he frequently was not paying attention when I spoke to him. So before I assumed he was not listening and deliberately not doing what I asked, I would have him repeat what I said, saved me and him a lot of frustration to really get his attention and make sure we were on the same page.

 

We are outside all day every day swimming and playing, we actually had a play date today that ended in a melt down over a golf ball. They are starting t ball next week twice a week plus practice.

Sounds like a good book! Im going to look into it!

Im going to try this too!

 

I have had the same problems with my boys. I try different strategies depending on the day or the problem that I am having with them. I find that my boys (who are 5 by the way) do not have an attachment to, well anything either.

What help the most is what I call "you time."

* "You Time": I find that sometimes it helps to just separate the boys. I use this if the are out of control or fighting with each other. I tell them very calmly that I think it is time for them to send some "you time." I will send one to their room to play with toys, read a book, color, or whatever they choose. The other is sent to the living room to play his vsmile or to spend some time with me. After about 10-15 (I use a timer) they get to switch what they are doing. Most of the time they are calm and happy again after one switch. I find that this helps because they don't have a strong attachment to their toys but they do for each other. Spending time apart usually calms down any problem they have.

 

I was just speaking about this with someone yesterday. One of the reasons I work at a day camp in the summer is so my boys can attend camp. More than 2 weeks at home together and they are horrible! I find that mine do need the structure of school, camp, and seeing their friends on a regular basis.

For Jon, I do have a currency, anything electronic, but even since he started K, when he gets too wound up, he goes to his room for some calm down time. It isn't a time out per se, just a separation. Many times he will stay there a long time, because he will start reading, and that will help him to readjust.

It may also be that you are working too hard to keep them entertained. Give them some downtime where they have to figure out what to do, be it reading, drawing, and sometimes just watching tv. I work summer camp with 5/6 year olds, and they LOVE a good old fashioned story time. We have time to run around, and downtime where they can just relax, and I have found the combo really helps keep them on an even keel.

Good luck!