Hi Moms- I'm hoping someone can give me some insight on my concern for one of my boys. My boys will be 4 in September. One of the boys has a hard time with his emotions. He gets angry easily and instead of verbalizing his feelings, will throw anything in sight, attack his brothern if it involves a fight and scream. He will also bite his hand at times. He will be receiving speech services again this year and received them last year. Should I be more concerned about this? Or could it be related to speech delay. Here are two examples where he became very angry - Last week at a restaurant DH started to spread butter on his pancakes for him, he had a fit. Screaming, etc.. - He was with my in-laws and apparantly MIL took a lick of his ice cream cone and he became very upset, crying, etc... These are just 2 things, but I never know what he is going to get upset about next. His brother is very opposite, very verbal, etc.. Just not sure what to do. I do tell him to use his words and calm down. This helps at times. I keep hoping this will get better, but then what if it doesn't!
Some kids have a harder time with emotions. It's normal, but I would not ignore it. What we did was immediately remove the child from the situation. No pancakes or ice cream until he calms down and apologizes. He has to sit in time out or his room until he calms down and apologizes for hitting his brother. Etc. Be calm and consistent in conveying that you understand he is upset but his behavior is not acceptable.
My kids are very particular about what they eat and what it should look like. The butter incident would have also prompted a meltdown with my kids (they do not eat butter) and taking a part of someone else's food without asking is also not cool with my kids. Add to this that your DS is not as verbal and crying, throwing a fit, etc. might be the only way he knows now to vent his frustration. I would add, that both incidents you described were over food. I know that my kids throw more fits when they are hungry and tired. I agree with the PP that normally, this behavior is not tolerated. I also try to remember to be more patient and understanding regarding food issues when I know my kids are hungry or have been looking forward to a treat. I usually remind them their behavior is not acceptable, give a verbal warning that the behavior should not continue/tell them they need to calm down or there will be a consequence (must leave the table, not get the treat, take the food home and not be allowed to eat it in the restaurant, etc.). I also request that they apologize. If it continues (it usually does not) then I would follow through with the consequence. Imho, I think these types of food issues may be normal for this age (at least it is with my kids). Also, the incidents you mentioned did not seem to involve any physical acts. If throwing things, hitting, or biting are involved, I really would take stronger measures without giving a warning first (immediate time out, denial of a treat, etc.). The "offender" also must apologize and hug and kiss the person who was "wronged." GL!
Thank you for your help. His meltdowns can occur over anything, not just food. He does throw, hit and bite as well as scream. Just hoping he can use his words instead of other means, but I will keep working on it
What has helped is is doing all of the above consistently, as well as once he's calmed down is to ask him to come up with the plan on what to do when he feels this way next time. In the beginning, he'd say 'I don't know' and I'd ask if wanted help. Now, he comes up with his own plan. As hard as it was, when he was in the throws of frustration, I would stay very calm, and ask him as privately as I can what he thinks his choices are this very second. Often times it's just enough to get him to take a breath, slow down and use his words. It took a bit but he's getting much better at thinking more before reacting. Hang in there!
I like all the other poster's suggestions. I would also add to talk to him about what his rules are so you can help avoid surprises and ask lots of questions so they can make decisions themselves. Like "ok, you don't like butter on your pancakes next time we have pancakes can you remind us in a calm voice not to use it?" and then the next time I would make pancakes, I would ask "I forget, do you like butter or not?" So he can practice voicing himself. My boys can be very particular over things and I find letting them practice talking about what's on their minds when they're not frustrated helps a lot. My one boy in particular will stay silent when I ask him questions, so I help him out by coming up with silly answers like.. what do you want to have for lunch? If he says nothing I'll start with "do you want a giraffe burger? a hippo steak? a toucan ice cream?" and then eventually it relaxes him enough he will chime in. I keep reminding them that we don't know what they're thinking all the time.
