Yours, mine, and ours

Ok tell me... How do you manage your kids' possessions? I am over it. I mean... my little ones (i.e., twin DD's that are 3 and DS will be 2 in August) are driving me batty with the squawking, screaming, and tackling over possessions. I don't know whether to do the "who had what first" battle, let them work it out (which usually ends in major screaming and occasional physical aggression), turn taking with a timer....I work with kids for a living. I help teachers and parents manage behavior on a daily basis.. But this...this is a whole different ball game. Each of my kids has their own set of lovies that are off limits to their sister/brother and they seem to get this...all other toys/items are fair game. One DD hoards anything from food to clothes to toys to plates and spoons and she seriously believes that anything that is green, which is her favorite color,is hers. They tease eachother by taking a favorite toy and running away with it, which makes everyone scream.

What do you do?????? Do you separate the toys, books, etc..so that everyone has they're own stuff..what are your rules for sharing? What works best for you? I'm dying here! Thanks!

 

Ha ha funny - I have no advice for you - my kids are the same way - they are 2 and 8 months. I wanted to comment on the green thing - my daughter Vanessa loves green also and anything green has to be hers , including Max's green pajama or underwear . We had to explain the pajama and underwear thing to her - and she has green pajamas or underwear also - but she can't help it with green things . What is it about green?

Needless to say, I am looking forward to see some suggestions also, I will follow this topic.

 

My kids are the same age spread as yours (though now they are 4 and almost 3)... the timer works great for us. Like you, there are a few toys that are off limits for "sharing" but for the most part, all toys are fair game. I set it for 5 minutes. A lot of times, before there is even a fight, one boy will come to me and say to set the timer for toy x. I tell the boy with the toy that I set the timer and when it goes off, it's time to give the toy to his brother. He gives it up without a fight. It works like magic for us. We have been using the timer for about a year.

ETA: Well, I guess I should say that it isn't always magic like butterflies and rainbows... there are still fights, but the timer helps resolve most of them. And I use it for all kinds of things... brushing teeth, putting clothes on, putting shoes on, coming inside after playtime, anything that they are lolly gagging over!

 

I second the timer, for 5 minutes at a time. I just use the timer on the microwave. It works like a charm.

 

We used to do the timer and it worked fairly well. For the last year or so though we've gone with the no-forced-sharing-at-all approach. If someone has a toy, it's theirs until they're finished with it, then they can give it to someone else or put it away if it's a special toy. This explains in more detail why we've taken this approach: http://birthingbeautifulideas.com/?p=6739 The transition to the new "system" was rough and I spent a lot of time comforting and acknowledging frustration and anger but now things are generally pretty smooth sailing. GL!

 

For the most part we let them work it out, unless its the 19m old and the 4 y/o fighting. Then I have to intervene because she just doesn't understand yet. If a particular toy is causing lots of problems I will put the toy in time out for a certain amount of time.

Timers don't seem to work in our house because my son gets very anxious and upset over the idea of his time counting down. He freezes up and doesn't do anything but whine that its going to go off too soon.

 

We don't force our kids to share usually - we encourage them to ask the other nicely if they will share (instead of grabbing the item away, crying, hitting, etc.), and about 80% of the time, if they ask nicely, the other will share now (we praised like crazy for a long time when they did share).

If the one with the toy says no, we ask the other one to go find another toy and tell them their brother doesn't want to share right now and they will have a turn later. If there is a fight over an item, we give them one warning to work it out, and then take the item away for awhile.

(If it happens to be something we have two of, we ask them to get the duplicate item, or if one of them has both, we request that they share one with their brother.)

I have to say, I think the fighting over possessions is probably my number one complaint right now - it leads to more crying, whining, and fighting than anything else in our day and some days it drives me bonkers (like today, when they fought over even the tiniest thing).

 

Thank you for this post. My twins are almost 3 and we are starting to deal more with this problem of sharing if one is playing with a toy of which there is only one of. Good to know that we are on the right track, but not always easy. :headbang:

 

We started with taking turns with a timer and that worked well. Many days the kids take turns without needing a timer or other referee, just working things out like: "I want to finish x and they I will give you the truck." or "We get 3 turns each with the car and then we switch cars" or "You don't have to wait, come and join me in doing the puzzle" etc.

If are real fight develops over a toy the toy goes into time-out.

As the kids are getting older we have more toys and other items that are personal property which means that you do not have to share it and that your twin may not play with it even if you are not using it without asking for permission. We probably started this some time around their third birthday and they usually respect the idea of personal property, but also share most things pretty freely.

 

Here's my other question: how do you divide up you LO's possessions (e.g., clothes, toys, etc)???????

 

Here's my other question: how do you divide up you LO's possessions (e.g., clothes, toys, etc)???????

 

Clothes:
Each kid has a drawer with underwear and socks etc. That drawer is personal property. As I have B/G twins it is fairly easy to distinguish whose underwear is whose. For your DD twins I would colour code underwear, socks etc. - i.e. one gets red, the other purple.
Then we have a larger shared drawer for all tops, t-shirts, cardigans and another one for pants, dresses, leggings. Most of these items are still shared items, so when they get dressed they can pick from among say all the blue and red shorts, yellow, blue, green, white, striped t-shirts. I still have the shared drawers system because I don't need as many clothes this way and I see no need to designate white or striped t-shirts or blue or beige pants as long as the kids still wear same size. Obviously dresses and leggings are for DD. But apart from that I do not have a lot of girl or boy specific clothes, DS has very rarely picked a pink t-shirt but if he wants to wear a pink t-shirt, fine by me.
Each kid has a some personal items, mostly received as gifts for birthdays or things I buy specifically for one of them. These are in the shared drawers but the kids respect their twin's stuff. DS also has a few favourites among the shared items (he is more particular about clothes than DD is) and DD is pretty good about respecting this.

Toys:
If an item is received as a gift it is personal property provided it is important to the kid that received it to keep it personal. I mark items like personal books and puzzles with their initials or their name. For other toys the kids just seem to know and remember.
But many items naturally make their way into the general toy collection, because it is much more fun to play with whole train set instead of just with "my train", with all the Lego Duplo etc. Bigger items or collections like their store, building blocks or the train set were shared gifts anyway. As mine still share their play space in the living room as well as a bedroom I do not divide up the general toy collection.

 

Sorry, double post.

 

Sorry, double post.

 

I don't distinguish clothes, although one of my boys is about 6 lbs heavier, so often he is wearing a different size than his brother just out of necessity. But I mix things together in their closet/dresser and just make sure I check labels for sizes.

As for toys, if we have two of something and it is causing a squabble, I will put their initials on it. They know letters, so then they can tell whose is whose, which really cuts down on arguing.