Younger twin feels left out

Hi all,

Im a newbie here so, :wavey:

I have two girls, 6 years old who are in their first year of prep school. I noticed my younger twin was not herself lately, so to make her feel better I asked her who she played with at lunch time. She became very teary. I asked her what was wrong, she said that all the girls in her class liked her sister more than her. This surprised me as she is a very social, bubbly child. I thought to myself she is just over reacting, I thought surely , not all the girls would favour the older twin. However the next day they had a friend to come and play and I noticed the younger twin was not joining in, so I encouraged her to go and play. Next thing I know she dug in her heels and refused to join in. This took me by suprise b/c she has always been happy to go and play with other kids. She yelled out " She like my sister more than me". I said "don't be silly she likes you both". But I became apparent after talking more to my daughter and noticing the little girl only wanting to play with older twin that what the younger twin was feeling was acctually true. Also spending some time in the classroom it also confirms what my daughter is feeling.


I am worried about my younger daughters self-esteem (I never thought I would have to start worrying about self esteem issues at 6 yrs old) 1. She feels is not as good as her sister, 2. She is feeling a little hurt because the older twin wants to play with her other friends (even though they are close friends) 3. The older twin feels frustrated she has to "look after" her sister and misses out on playing with her friends. 4. How do I teach the younger twin make her own friends when the other girls are telling my daughter they prefer "the other twin"?

Kids are kids, and I can't tell the kids in the class that how they are behaving is effecting my daughters self esteem. So what can I do to help my younger daughter get through this.


Has anyone else dealt with this? I would really appreciate any information.

 

We had/have similar issues w/daycare lately. It stinks. You do not want to stiffle either of them or force them to play together, when, honestly I think they do need space but you do not want either to feel hurt. Howeverr, there was actually one child that really liked the one child and was mean to the other. So the child that was being treated poorly would act out back. So, we had to discuss how we handle bullies, had to discuss with the "preferred" child that he needed to stand up for his brother and other kids (though thing to teach but important I think) and if the other child could not at least be nice to his brother he would not be allowed to play with him. The other part was to talk to the "hurt" child and see if they can make an effort to make their own friends. and ask him about it "who did you play with today? what did you do? and help them by giving them the tools, YOu should go up and ask them if you can play or if they want to play with you.


One day I gave him "job" He hd to go to "school" and make at least one new friend that day.

It has gotten better for us. Less days where he talks about fighting w"X" today. And no more days in tears because he has to go see "X" today.
Also, have you spoken to the teacher, maybe she can help, give you some insight?

Good luck and hugs to your little girl. Who would have though we would have to deal with this at such young ages.

 

A few things stick out at me, and I don't know if this is just because of the message board, but referring to your girls as "younger twin" and "older twin", kind of sets them up as an inequality. One of the reasons I have always had my kids in separate classes is so they can make their own friends. They do have shared friends, but they also have their own friends, so there isn't a competition between kids. Also, if you are having a playdate, invite a friend for each--4 is always a better dynamic than 3.

 

Like Sharon, I noticed the older twin/younger twin emphasis. It struck me as odd, but that may be my hang-up. I don't consider either of my boys to be older or younger. I can't see how a few minutes could make an impact on maturity.

We have similar issues when we have just one friend over to play. It's natural to break off into pairs, so the odd numbers don't work well.

 

QUOTE
A few things stick out at me, and I don't know if this is just because of the message board, but referring to your girls as "younger twin" and "older twin", kind of sets them up as an inequality. One of the reasons I have always had my kids in separate classes is so they can make their own friends


I agree with everything Sharon said. I also recommend separate classrooms if it's a possibility at your school. We have had no issues at all with kids liking one child better than the other.

QUOTE
The older twin feels frustrated she has to "look after" her sister and misses out on playing with her friends


Does this mean the "older" twin is put in a position where she's somehow responsible for her sister, or just that her sister is moping about not being played with, so she feels she needs to comfort her?

 

Thank you so much everyone for your advice, especially inviting a friend each child for a play date. It never thought of the pairing off thing. I will definately keep that in mind next time there is a play date. Also, I think by everyones comments next year I will definately have to look at putting them in separate classes.

A couple of you have mentioned my description/label of the girls as being the "older" & "younger" twin. Your comments are valid considering the problem Im having. However, I only described them as older/younger in this instance b/c I didn't want to mention their names. The older the girls get the more people seem to what to label them, and I hate it (as every parent of twins do).

This might sound silly but how do you teach kids to make friends? As I mentioned she is very bubbly and outgoing, so Im not sure what to suggest that she do?

It's funny (actually it's not funny at all) I was just reading a book that mentioned that life is not as simple as it use to be and as a result raising children is alot harder than it use to be. The fact that Im having to "shield" my daughters self esteem at such a young age makes me realise how true those words are . But thanks to you guys taking the time to give you advise, it's make it a little easier.

 

The best way for them to make friends is to get them is situations where they can make friends. Talk to the teacher, she can group her with a good match, and then you can have that child over to play. If possible send your other child somewhere else for a playdate.

BTW, if you don't want to use their names, why don't you refer to them by their first initial.

 

Sorry Amy I missed your question.

Yes, I guess the older twin does feel like she has to take care of the younger twin, but that's b/c I asked her too. When I found out that the younger twin hadn't formed her "own" friends , my natural reaction was, her sister should look out for her.......Which in reflection has not be the best thing to suggest for either twin. (Mmmm, starting to feel not so confident...slightly ill equipt for this whole parenting thing, but won't tell the kids )

You are right....she does look out for her sister b/c I asked her too, but gets cranky b/c she misses out on playing with her friends. And it is wrong to ask a child to carry that kind of responsibility, but what else can i do.

 

We've had to really work with Sarah on making friends. I've put her in social situations (like storytimes) then stood back with her and talked about how to go make a friend. I'll ask her if she see's anyone she thinks she would like to play with. Then we'll talk about how she might go up and say "hi, my name's Sarah. I like princesses too. What's your name?" I would also suggest other questions she might ask and then she would go try to talk to whomever. I noticed a princess/Barbie game that was starting every week after storytime, so we would carefully pick something to bring so that she could play. She's a very kind child and always would bring an extra in case someone else wanted to play. Sarah is still very timid, but we can talk through how to talk to someone and she can do it.

Marissa

 

QUOTE
You are right....she does look out for her sister b/c I asked her too, but gets cranky b/c she misses out on playing with her friends. And it is wrong to ask a child to carry that kind of responsibility, but what else can i do.


Since you asked, yes, I think it is wrong to ask a twin to look out for their sister, especially if she getting upset for missing out on things. I think it is one thing if one child is a few years older, and an older sibling looks out for them, but with twins, you are asking for one to feel subservient to the other. The one being "looked out" for will feel like there is something wrong with them because they need watching by someone their same age.

A year ago, if you would ask Marcus a math question or to read something, he would automatically say he couldn't, and to "ask my brother, he knows". This year, all of a sudden they are reading on the same level--Jonathan has been readins since he was 3, and Marcus couldn't read a word going into K. In fact, I was surprised to learn how well Marcus is doing in school. I think one of the reasons he finally allowed himself to learn, was his brother wasn't there for him to compare himself to. You should have seen the surprise on his face when he realized that he CAN read as well as his brother.

My guess is that you one daughter is feeling so overshadowed by her sister, she has a defeatest attitude about herself, and she will feel she needs "looking after". Marissa did give some good conversation starters to help create a freindship.

 

QUOTE(sharongl @ May 2 2009, 11:29 AM) [snapback]1297452[/snapback]
with twins, you are asking for one to feel subservient to the other. The one being "looked out" for will feel like there is something wrong with them because they need watching by someone their same age.

My guess is that you one daughter is feeling so overshadowed by her sister, she has a defeatest attitude about herself, and she will feel she needs "looking after".


Mmmm...yes, Even though it was unintentional I think both the comments above are a good description of what has resulted from my "trying to fix the problem".

After I have had a little chat to the G (older twin) about not looking after her sister anymore, I will talk to the teacher & help B (younger twin) start making friends as suggested.

 

That sounds like a good plan! I bet you will see B start to shine once she has a chance to come into her own!