Yelling infront of the kids

DH and I have been going through a serious rough patch in our relationship recently, and I have yelled at him when we have been in a fight infrount of DS and DD. I always feel like the worst parent in the world afterwards and I wonder if them seeing me angry and yelling is going to seriously screw them up. I knwo I saw my parents yelling at eachother a lot when I was a child, and they divorced when I was 16. I don't thank my DH and I are that bad, but we do get heated with eachother and the babies do see it.

Often they keep playing and laughing like they don't but I still wonder.

Am I a horrible mommy?

 

I think you are human. Yes, we should try not to fight in front of our kids. But, we aren't going to scar them for life by the occasional fight. DH and I have had to sit down and discuss not fighting in front of the kids. It is hard sometimes and we still "slip," but if one of us catches us starting to fight instead of discuss we'll go in another room or ask the kids to go play somewhere so mommy and daddy can talk. But, in general I try very hard not to yell. My mom is a yeller and I hate when I start sounding like her.

 

I don't agree that you should not fight in front of your kids. I think it is a learning experience for them to see the two of you angry at each other but most importantly working things out. :hug: It's hard. At the age of your kids, they probably won't remember this. Good luck.

 

First off, no you are not horrible. Disagreements and arguements are going to happen when two people live together..that's just a fact. And, I do think kids need to understand that parents argue and I do think that kids need to see good examples of how to react to one another after an arguement. However, there is a big difference between arguing versus yelling and screaming. My DH and I used to scream and yell at each other...it was bad. Once turned into twice and then it turned into every other day. My son saw it and saw it often. Thank goodness we got our differences worked out before the girls came along and now we hardly ever argue and we never scream or yell . My son did suffer from it I believe and it's been a hard pill to swallow for me. He has anger issues and has had behavior issues at school. I don't think that our screaming and yelling is the total reason for his problems, but I do believe it contributed. It's because of our experience with how he reacted to it that cause DH and I to wake up and watch how we treated each other in front of our kids..specifically the arguing part. Not all kids will react the same way to what they see, but I do think that we as parents need to be careful with how we choose to argue with each other. My son saw and heard a lot of things that I wish I could take back, and it did effect him negatively. I am not telling you this to make you feel guilty at all, I am just saying that if its happening a lot, you may need to just step back and think about it. Arguing is part of life, and there's no harm in that, but if you are screaming or yelling, I would definitely take that into another room away from your children.

 

Yes, arguments happen and yes the kids will see some of that. But, I think the most important thing is for kids to see "respectful arguments". That way they can see that mommy and daddy do disagree and get frustrated, but you are also showing them "appropriate" behaviors. I know its so hard (and DH and I aren't perfect either), but we do not yell at each other around the kids, and we do not call each other names or swear.
it sounds like you are aware that things are not the greatest right now, how about trying to get you and DH in for some counselling to teach you how to "fight fair", or work on some potentially underlying issues? Or if DH wont go, perhaps just go yourself to try and figure out how not to fight in front of the kids. Kids do model and copy what their parents do, so if they see that you guys dont treat each other with dignity and respect then they will learn that this is how to treat others (and this may very well be how they start treating you and DH down the road).
I do not mean to come down hard on you. I think you seem very smart given that you have identified this and are concerned about it. I say try and take it one step further and make an effort in some way to change the behavior.
I know that when DH and I get really mad at each other (its usually DH mad at me and he can't contain himself), I will often just walk away and not respond to his yelling (this does mean being the bigger person, and its hard, but I know its for the best of my children). So, I remove myself and my children from that scenario when I see it developing, we could go for a walk, or a drive or even into a different room, anything to diffuse the situation and quickly.

Good luck to you!

 

DH and I try not to fight too much in front of the kids, but if it happens, it happens, and I'm of the school of thought that many pps mentioned - that it can be good for kids to see healthy conflict. Every relationship is going to have conflict at some point, and this way they see respectful conflict and resolution in the context of a loving relationship. Mommy and Daddy fight, but they're not cruel to each other, and they make up afterward.

Actually, something interesting happened recently. Ivy sometimes gets scared when our cats have a screeching, hissing, howling fight. I've been talking her through it and telling her that sometimes the cats get mad at each other and they have a big fight (much bigger than any DH and I have, btw :lol: ), but they never hurt each other, and they're still friends - we always see them sleeping together and washing each other. She just spontaneously commented, "And sometimes Mommy and Daddy have a fight!" She obviously generalized that it's the same kind of thing, and I reinforced that and explained all about it. She seemed totally ok with it, didn't seem bothered in the least.

And of course we try to keep fighting to a minimum, and it's not like we fight all that much.

 

Same here and I hate it! My parents fought a lot in front of me as a child. I remember vividly trying to step between them so they would stop. I swore I would never do this in front of my kids. Yeah, that didn't last very long. I try really hard to not argue in front of them. There are times I just walk away from him and he gets the point.

I agree with Rachel that it is one thing to have a disagreement, but another to be yelling and screaming.

:hug: