WWYD-DH being a jerk

to start a few months ago dhh said he wanted to quit smoking so i said if he did i would buy him a big screen tv that he has wanted for years. well he did for a few weeks and i went ahead and ordered it on black friday since it was such a great deal AND since i was sooo proud of him i even got him a playstation3 and surrond sound. well a few days later i caught him smoking cigars!! ugh! i was sooo happy to not smell smoke, he never smoked inside but his clothes and he always smelled like it. SO he told me it was a cruch and he wuold quit. here i already order the tv and was waiting for it. well it came and he nver quit i put my foot down and told him it must stop jan1 and here it is jan 7 and he has not stopped. OK so yesterday the twins where cring and i was cooking dinner well he got stressed out and started yelling at me. he has a major temper prop and it been good for a while but he got off the hook. he called me names and told me how he would call dss and i am a fat *** (i have gained 80lbs and well thanks for the punch) told me i dont even know how to cook and he kept going and going so i walked out and drove to ,my moms. he gets me soo upset and i hate to cry over it because i dont want him to know it bothers me but any ways while gone i get a text from him telling me a monkey can do this job and he dont know why i cant!!!!! :icon_eek: really can u beleive that???? soo i called his mom and asked her to come over and she talked to him and all he winned about was how i am bossy and always ask him to do stuff! so since then i have not talked to him much because he wants to be a child and have some thing smart to say about everything. he comes home today wanting to know where dinner is. i had no time but i dont have to cook him dinner. he thinks i sleep all day. (he thinks this because he might call me and wake be during a nap during the day and has no clue i have been up all night with the girls) so i wip up something quick and do other home chores all i did was ask him to clean the kitchen and after asking 101 times he goes in there and puts the pans on the sink! i told him i could have done that and he ask why i did not. SO the whole time i am doing this he is playoiing the playstation and falls asleep playing it!!!! oh and he takes a few cigar breaks anyways this is only the half i wish i had it on tape then you get a better pic!! so WWYD?

right now i hate the sight of him and dont want to forgive him for being such a jerk

 

I would return the TV or send it to someone else's house until he quits. (for the whole smoking deal)

Was he like this before the babies were born? I dont really have advise to give you.. Im sorry,... ::Hugs::

 

QUOTE(AshleyLD @ Jan 8 2008, 12:14 AM) [snapback]562312[/snapback]
I would return the TV or send it to someone else's house until he quits. (for the whole smoking deal)

Was he like this before the babies were born? I dont really have advise to give you.. Im sorry,... ::Hugs::


i would take the tv back i want to return it but it is 65in and HUGE!!

he was kinda like this at a few years ago but he grew up, i thought!!

 

Jennifer, I am so sorry you are going through this! Sounds like he is really being awful!
My first thought is that I wouldn't think it would be a good idea to call his mother, but I am obviously not in your situation so what do I know?
It sounds like he is a real abuser, verbally at least. I would suggest you find a way to get some counselling, if not for both of you then at least for yourself, even if you have to bring the kids in to see the therapist.
As for the smoking, I quit a year ago so I had a better chance for IVF to work and I can tell you, I would have never quit for someone else. There has to be a really big reason for the smoker to quit. Not that someone wants them to.
If he hasn't been like this as a rule, there must be something going on to bring it out, is he super stressed about something? The babies maybe?
I guess I don't really have advice, just hugs and to know that you are not alone. I have been in this type of relationship before too. I hope you can get everything figured out.

 

I would re-read your post except when you do, pretend like you are reading the words of your daughter. Then, follow whatever advice you would give your daughter if she were with someone who spoke to her that way. I really think the TV and smoking are secondary to the verbal lashing. The reason I say to pretend it's one of your daughters is because if she witnesses this growing up, chances are it will be her someday.

 

I would like to repeat the advice of the prvious poster. How WOULD you feel if your DD's husband talked to her like that? Because if you let it continue, chances are she will end up in an abusive relationship too. I would think that counselling is the basic minimum need in this relationship, but frankly, I would probably leave him at least until he got help.

 

Holy crap girl...you are a better woman than me if you're still by his side...
I'da smacked the h@ll outta him if he said those words to me, the mother of his children. This probably would not have helped things, but at least he would know where you stand!

I know what I would do..but I think when you say "WWYD" you want advice for yourself, right?

I think it should be so abundantly clear to him that in no way are you going to take any more of his bad mouthing....Smoking cigarettes or not smoking them, that is absolutely NO EXCUSE for being a complete j@ckass and verbally abusing you like he did.
If the bad talk continues, DO RECORD him next time...and maybe even give him a little playback so that he can see just how evil he looks and sounds when he says that stuff to you...
Also, for me, a deal is a deal...he stops smoking, he gets a big screen. He starts smoking again...bye bye big screen!!
You don't have to worry about hauling a big ole TV back to the store yourself...if money is no object, sell it quickly and make a stipulation that whoever buys the dang thing come and pick it up when hubby is not around...Or if you really want to get his goat, give it away! ha! That last one would kind of put you down on his level..but at least he can see from his own point of view how immature his level really is...
As far as the cooking goes, you are the mother of those 3 girls, not him..it's not your JOB to feed that grown man...he knows where the kitchen is!! Tell him to help himself!! If he starts to rant and rave, tell him that as a result of his informing you that you're overweight, you are now officially on a new diet and are trying to avoid the temptation in the kitchen. See how he feels when the tables are turned...

MOST IMPORTANTLY: Please don't forget that this is your life too...You are a person, a woman...not just HIS wife and mother to HIS kids...YOU deserve to be happy d@mmit! If you are up with the kids all nite and you need a nap, TAKE ONE...if he thinks you are just taking it easy, let him think that..you and the girls know the truth. He won't understand until he is in your shoes. So maybe he needs a good lesson in what it is like to be you. I'd say turn the tables on him for a while. No one likes being treated like dirt, and he needs to be reminded just what you are worth...but that's just my humble opinion!! :spiteful:

 

I am so sorry. I would not let anyone talk to me that way - EVER. For some reason he thinks he can treat you that way and it obviously makes him feel better about himself. It really sounds like you are trying to keep the peace but it is not working. I MOST certainly would NOT give that man a television AND I would throw the playstation away one day when he is at work and then refuse to discuss the idea with him. Sort of like "this was a gift from me and you are disrespecting your family so I took it back - I am not flexible on this." If he wants one so bad let him go out and get it.

I would obviously suggest counseling but I wish that I had some more immediate advice. You love your family sooo much and you are trying as hard as you can to make your home a great environment but you CANNOT sacrifice yourself for their cause. Please be sure to demand what you deserve and make sure you are taking care of YOURSELF. My grandmother told me that if I take care of myself then the babies will follow. Your DH is going to have to find a way to help take care of all of you or you will not be living in the loving environment that you deserve.

Amy

 

so today while he is at work i am taking the playstation and i KNOW it is going to be a huge prop when he gets home. he will proply try to take something of mine ie:laptop. also i am not cooking dinner for him. i was up all night with the twins and i plan on caughing up on sleep and i feel pretty lazy today. truefully i feel lazier and dont want to do abything when he acts like that. i know this is going to be a big deal when he gets home but we will see. and yes he is verabally abusing me and i will not put up with it. if i dont say anything he keeps going and going if i start playing his game it also adds fuel to the fire!!

 

QUOTE
I would re-read your post except when you do, pretend like you are reading the words of your daughter. Then, follow whatever advice you would give your daughter if she were with someone who spoke to her that way. I really think the TV and smoking are secondary to the verbal lashing. The reason I say to pretend it's one of your daughters is because if she witnesses this growing up, chances are it will be her someday.


Those are wise, wise words.

You're in a relationship that has to change or has to end, for your sake and your children's. :hug99:

 

I think the playstation/tv/smoking are secondary to the way he speaks to you. Maybe he is upset about those things, but once you take them away he will find something else to go off about. If he is really as abusive as he sounds he is going to flip out when he comes home and found that you "took away the playstation". Since it's already been done, have the recorder on when you get confronted. Then when you have your talk (or counseling/authorities get involved) you have proof of how things are. I have been very close to people in abusive relationships that start of this way and quickly escalate to physical. Be careful with the game you are playing because its a tenuous one....

best of luck

 

I think that when he comes home and you guys "have it out", maybe the kids should be at the sitters for a bit. I hope it goes okay for you, keep your chin up!

 

Gosh it sounds like alot of things. One i was a smoker and man it is evil if you ask me. I could snap at the drop of a hat when i quit. Not an excuse just telling you... Anyway maybe he is stressed? Men also tend to be jealous at times of women that stay home. I know a few times DH was jealous of me before i went back to work and i was like stay home i dont care... LOL... Please it will be fine.
Dont play into his crap, matter fact how about not being home when he gets there. Let him see an empty house. Go stay at your moms for a few days. In the beginning i think the stress, money everything of twins plays differnt roles on different marriages... Hang in there and i hope it gets better. A monkey could do this job? Come on, that is so childish, start laughing at him... Bet that will nip it quick! Hang in there and stay strong for the girls... Also dont let this go on, your girls deserve to see mommy happy not sad or mad...

 

I am so sorry you had to hear those ugly words spoken to you. You don't deserve to have that said to you, just because he is stressing and trying to quit smoking.

:hug99:

 

I think I'd list the PS3 and big screen TV on eBay, keep the money, and then take myself and my kids elsewhere.

It's probably really hard to gauge the situation just based on what you've posted on the internet. But, my husband doesn't treat me that way. In fact, people in general are not allowed to treat me that way. It sounds to me as if you're in a dictatorship, rather than a marriage, but I'm not there so I'm just forming an opinion based on what you've said. Remember that your children are seeing this behavior and learning from it. That would be enough to scare me into changing something.

:hug99: to you.

 

QUOTE(4lilmonkeys @ Jan 8 2008, 12:06 PM) [snapback]562841[/snapback]
I think I'd list the PS3 and big screen TV on eBay, keep the money, and then take myself and my kids elsewhere.

It's probably really hard to gauge the situation just based on what you've posted on the internet. But, my husband doesn't treat me that way. In fact, people in general are not allowed to treat me that way. It sounds to me as if you're in a dictatorship, rather than a marriage, but I'm not there so I'm just forming an opinion based on what you've said. Remember that your children are seeing this behavior and learning from it. That would be enough to scare me into changing something.

:hug99: to you.


I am sympathetic towards your situation. But wiht due respect to your hubby, we must hear both sides. Unlike most of the ladies here who are advising to rebel against him or get separated wti him, I would not suggest that. Firstly I would suggest you to exercise more tolerance and try to understand the root cause of his problem . especially becuase he was good at times before.

The reason I am saying is that there are chances he might be needing some medical help. We haven;t heard from him. Secondly, if we keep divorcing for simple reasons without going the extra mile we will be left alone. No wonder the divorce rates in america are above 50%. Most men are same so you have to remember that

 

QUOTE(mals @ Jan 8 2008, 01:20 PM) [snapback]562874[/snapback]
I am sympathetic towards your situation. But wiht due respect to your hubby, we must hear both sides. Unlike most of the ladies here who are advising to rebel against him or get separated wti him, I would not suggest that. Firstly I would suggest you to exercise more tolerance and try to understand the root cause of his problem . especially becuase he was good at times before.

The reason I am saying is that there are chances he might be needing some medical help. We haven;t heard from him. Secondly, if we keep divorcing for simple reasons without going the extra mile we will be left alone. No wonder the divorce rates in america are above 50%. Most men are same so you have to remember that


I'm not advocating that she not work on her marriage..I'm all for sticking it out in a marriage if BOTH PEOPLE are willing to work for a change...but if you have a partner who is continually abusing you, whether it be verbally, mentally, or physically; then you have 1 of 2 choices: stay and take the abuse, or leave and deal with that choice...either choice carries with it pros and cons...
I'm advocating that she make her opinion understood...let him know that she's no longer taking his crap, that she demands respect, and deserves it. She is a human being along with being his wife...
I agree that there are 2 sides to every story, and maybe, just maybe if hubby wasn't always such a jerk there might be a "root cause" to his latest tirade...but that doesn't excuse the behavior. And if he's not willing to unveil this thorn in his paw, what should she do then? Stay around and deal with the abuse and just HOPE he fixes whatever is bugging him?? Marriage is supposed to be a long term commitment, for "better or worse", yes...but abuse is the exception to the rule, I believe....

 

heartofdixiemama,

I agree with your point ot a certain extent. It defintely seems reasonable. But of the ladies here have already concluded that he is a jerk not once thinking that we did not hear his side of the story. most probably he is a jerk, but should we not hear him out? should we not give hiom a chance? And secondly after marriage, the thinking should be "WE" as apposed to "I". Let both of them workout together.

 

we have only been married 3 years and togather 4 last year if this would have happened i would have found it easy to walk away but this past year we have done so much, bought 2 houses and a list of minor things. i think it maybe a age thing. he is very mature for his age 25 but at the same time very inmature - the verbaly abuse and the things he says are so childish. i laughed at it and it just makes him madder. but the thing that gets me now is he acts like nothing has happened until next time BUT i dont want a next time!!

oh and the other side of the story- i am not going to lie but i use to lash back also but here latly i dont say a thing cuz it is pointless!!

 

gregje,

you are the best judge of your situation. I would say that hearing anyone's point of view would not give you a real perspective only because all have heard on ly your point of view. If you really believe thats it then you go girl. But if at all there is room for compromise please take it to the end.

 

ok just got a wild hair why not fight fire with fire



start smoking

 

QUOTE(gregje @ Jan 8 2008, 08:18 PM) [snapback]563767[/snapback]
ok just got a wild hair why not fight fire with fire
start smoking


Don't you think that is childish and irresponsible? Sorry to sound harsh but smoking is bad for you AND your children... the smoke in your clothes and your hair is awful for newborns to inhale even through passive means.

Most importantly you are raising your children to either be treated the way you are or to treat others they way your dh treats you. Unless you want your son to treat his wife this way or unless you want your daughter to be treated this way by her husband, you better put an end to this. Never mind the smoking, if my dh ever, ever spoke to me this way, he'd have problems. I would probably leave over something like this especially if its a frequent thing. Not to say we don't argue, we do but we do it respectfully and with regard for our children who are learning to be a spouse by watching us.

 

I am having a hard time coming up with a polite way to say this, but frankly, I can't. To even think of starting smoking as a punishment to him is just plain ridiculous for more reasons than are even worth typing. To take away his tv and playstation will accomplish nothing either--though clearly he didn't keep his end of the bargain. He will not quit smoking until HE wants to quit smoking--end of story. People don't quit habits with bribes or threats. But all of these things are just ploys and games you are both playing with each other. It sounds like both of you are being childish and immature and you both better get it together before those precious babies start thinking this is how adults in a marriage should treat each other. There is no excuse for the way he treats you, but like you said, it sounds like you've done your fair share of lashing out as well. Go and get counseling. Learn how to communicate like adults. Sorry for my tone. I realize it's harsh...but I'm not a fan of tiptoeing around the issue.

Reyna

 

i want to just restate that HE wanted to quit smoking. I never asked or hinted or anything about him quiting he wanted to for himself. Several close family members has had props with smoking. Anyways i have alwyas been a social smoker. i can smoke one and go months with out anthor one. he just hates it when i smoke

 

Um....if I wanted my dh to quit an addictive habit which is hard to break the LAST thing I would do would be to put it right in front of him. That's asking him to fail. That's really not going to help anything. Quitting smoking is supposedly a very difficult thing...and no doubt your dh is cranky from that and cranky from the adjustment to the twins. My dh went through a "Cranky" phase after our twins were born. (and partly b/c of not getting the same amount of "attention" from me).... and while he never slammed me like your dh did, we definitely had some words exchanged. Once I point blank put it to him that "this is our life, these are our kids..we can't take them back and we can't give them away, so get over it." He got over it. From that point on he had a better attitude about it.

You need to have a mature, open, honest, CALM, conversation with your dh. If you expect him to behave with maturity then you need to behave that way. I think I would start with a list of what you think he expects from you and what you expect from him. Make some compromises on both lists....I'd definitely try to make an aggreement on the time he spends on playstation...perhaps agree to try to do better at cooking meals as long as he is only on playstation 2 nights a week. If he hates your cooking so much then perhaps he should try his hand at doing the cooking. Honestly, i'm not the best cook in the world either..but my dh is 10x worse and he knows it. He also knows that if he expects to eat food cooked by my hand then he had better not complain about it.

For your children's sake...please don't smoke. In my mind that's just taking an axe to an already damaged marriage.... if you really want to kill your marriage there are better, quicker, less painful ways of doing it.

Just edited to add..I know you said it wasn't you who asked your dh to quit smoking....but the point is he has stated a desire to quit....you SHOULD want that...for his sake and most importantly your children's sake. And IMHO you should be supportive of that. Not trying to undermine it. It sounds like you were trying to be supportive of it...but now things have broken down. Helping someone break a habit requires you to be very encouraging. Don't focus on his failures. Instead encourage him when he succeeds or you'll just pin him in a corner with the label "smoker who will never be able to quit."