WWYD: Child is soo much better behaved

:mellow: I need help. So here's the dilemma:

The girls have been taking swim lessons for the last couple weeks. And it's going okay. Jade is doing EXCELLENTLY -- can now swim/stay afloat in the deep end with some forward progress and ability to lift her head for a couple minutes. She's unstoppable in the low end, loves being under water.

Melissa, here's my problem. Okay, she's not taking to the lessons, but I figured it was because she didn't want to put her head in the water. So she's made some progress, but mostly doesn't participate at ALL in the class and is doing some little things on her own. The pool is gradated so she sort of walks around on her hands with her legs floating behind, does some scooping, bubbles, etc. but mostly right around my legs away from the class.

So...YESTERDAY...I had a work meeting which was going to make me a few minutes late for their lessons. So the au pair takes them alone and I meet them. I get there, get suited, and go down to their end (very busy pool, they don't see me), and Melissa is right in there with the class, her head totally wet (she went UNDER!) and then moves over and starts doing the kicking exercises with the class. In the meantime, I'm hiding behind Juli saying, WHAT?!

I actually know this is the case, know that they are both just perfect little angels at school, know that they go to sleep on a dime when I'm not around, that they are just in every way BETTER without me around.

What do I do about that?

 

I feel your pain.....there was just a discussion about this on my local POM mailing list.

Some folks say "kids feel more comfortable with those they love" so they act out

Others say, "time with mommy is limited and special, so they want to spend as much time as possible (hence the sleeping issues).

For me, I'm having a hard time being consistent and asserting my authority - whereas they def. view the nanny as authority figure.

It's def. hard to be mom sometimes!

 

I don't know about the swim part.....

but i've heard child experts talk about this topic. basically, kids who have good parents that they feel totally comfortable with.... are able to be themselves around you.... and that includes acting out. It's actually a GOOD thing if you think about it. So when my kids have tantrums, I know that I'm actually a good mom. They know they are safe with me. They can express their frustration. So the acting out usually doesn't freak me out....... unless I'm really overtired and have lost my own patience, well then, nobody is perfect!

 

I was going to say get a second job, but I guess that's not helpful right?
:laughing:

My girls are similar, except instead of when I'm not around, it's in public. They are perfectly behavied in public, we get so many compliments. At home they are headstrong little monsters who pull hair and hit and refused to do anything they are asked to--so we do make a point of not staying in on the weekends. :icon_biggrin:

Maybe she's picking up on your nervousness about them being in swimming lessons? Or maybe she's worried you will see she's not as good as Jade?

 

I am so sick of my husband and others that tell me, the boys act so different(BAD) when you are around but are so well behaved when I am gone!!!! WHAT???!!! :angry: I mean I guess I am glad they are good for others BUT how about giving me a ''good day''....

 

I can't speak to the behavior thing in general...but I can to the swim lessons. Mom was a swim teacher & I grew up at our local pool because of that.

What you are describing, with the kids doing better in lessons when the parents AREN'T around is totally common. I don't know if its that they pick up on the parents nervousness when the parent is around or if they feel like they have to be brave when the parent isn't around or what, but more often than not they excel more without the parent there. From a teachers POV they generally prefer the parent not be breathing down their necks too. I know its human nature to protect the kids, but the teachers wouldn't be teaching if they weren't fit. They are better able to instruct, and keep the kids safe, if overprotective parents aren't all over them constantly. (Not directed at anyone in particular, just a comment from my years growing up in this. BTW, our pool had a policy of parents having to watch from outside the fence during lessons.)

 

Mine are always better when I am not around. With the nanny they are fine until they see me and then all **** breaks loose. It is always like this. They are perfect little playing happy babies until I walk in the room and then someone turns into a whine machine fuss bucket.

 

We are doing swim lessons and sort of the same thing is happening......

When I take them they cry before lessons, grab onto to me and basically make me drag them in. When dh or my mom takes them they walk right over to the pool with no problems :umm:

I think alot of has to do with how we react to them, we are their comfort, the ones they run to when something is wrong, etc. I also think kids try to impress others, show them how they can behave, etc but they know mommy knows all about them so they can be themselves around us.

I don't know, I may be talking out of my as$ lol

I do know my two do better at the lessons when I am there and not very close to the pool, the closer I am the worse they do??????

 

my kids can be like that too. i know with dd she just wants to be with me if i'm around. with ds, he is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more dramatic/ emotional with me around. for instance, i used to go with our sitter to their gym class when i could - but ds would just want me to hold him if i was there, and if i wasn't he would participate - so i stopped going.

the other thing is - they are better with just ONE person (either me or nanny) - when both of us are around is when they are the worst (whiny, mostly). not sure what that's about.

 

Where we take swim lessons, parents are not allowed in the pool area for that reason. Think of it as performance anxiety, and it is perfectly normal. I have the same problem with Jon. If I am nearby, he would cling and not behave like he does when I am not there--although he is much better this year than last. At camp last summer, he would leave his group and run to me when he saw me--which was often--we were in adjacent cabins. This year, he will wave, tell me where he is going and continue on with his group!

I think it is something she will outgrow. For me, the best way to handle it is limited contact during school hours. I couldn't go into his classroom to help because of this, and we used it as a goal to allow me to go in--which I did the last week of school, and he was much better than he was earlier in the year!

 

QUOTE(marieber @ Jul 17 2008, 03:57 PM) [snapback]881963[/snapback]
I actually know this is the case, know that they are both just perfect little angels at school, know that they go to sleep on a dime when I'm not around, that they are just in every way BETTER without me around.

What do I do about that?


If you figure out an answer...please do share with me and the millions of other moms out there.

I think its just the way it is. Like others have said, kids act out around those they feel most comfortable....so as moms.. we get the lion's share.

Haven't had issues at swim class. But in general, I find that there's a difference in the whining and fighting the boys do when they are not around me. I always hear from my parents and my inlaws when they watch the boys or any babysitter that Luke and Ben do not fight or whine at all on their watch.

My DH always says the same thing....and I HATE it! I'll be out for a couple hours and return to him and the boys...and "it" will start shortly after I enter the room. (Sigmond Freud)...I mean my DH... will say that it has to do with how I react to them. That's a bunch of bull. It's certainly frustrating at times to see the difference. Thankfully, the older the boys get, the degree of whining and fighting has majorly decreased vs. just a couple years ago.

 

My kids do it for me too!! NORMAL!!

I might let the au pair take them and then after a few times you go (late) and maybe she'll want to show off for you!?! That's what I would try!! It's frustrating and difficult, but they if they are going to learn better w/me away for a while - so be it!!

 

I've had a similar experience with Sarah and speech therapy. It's not so much a question of good vs. bad behavior in that case, but when I'm there, she is incredibly clingy and won't speak to the therapist at all. If I can manage to sneak away (we do therapy at our house), she instantly becomes much more outgoing. I'm supposed to be present for the therapy, but the therapist and I have agreed that it's better if I try to distance myself a little and just stay within earshot. (Sometimes even that doesn't work -- last week Sarah was so clingy that she would come running to find me if I wandered away.)

Anyway, it might be best to have the au pair take her to swimming (if possible) and then you can arrive "late" and just observe?