Worried about PPD

Since these babies will only be 18 months apart obviously my birth and NICU journey is still fresh in my mind. I'm so worried I will end up depressed thinking about all the things I missed with my twins that I get to do with this baby...such as:
*Getting to hold him/her right after birth (only JT was put on my chest but Jack was born an hour later so they took him right away to assess him)
*Not having them lifeflighted an hour away and I have to wait 12hrs to be discharged
*Getting to bring them home and have people visit like any other normal birth

You get the idea. Anyone else go through this or have these fears?!

 

You know I had a completely different birth experience, but I'm still nervous. For me it's mainly a question of how in the world I'm gonna take care of 3 kids under the age of 3. I'm also concerned about the sleep deprivation. I guess I didn't have this much anxiety with the boys because I had no idea what I was getting myself into .

I think I'm trying to focus on the positives. I say yes this is going to be really hard, but having only one has got to be easier than having two at the same time.

In your case, you can't change the past. As traumatic as it was for you the first time, your boys are healthy now, and that was just a blip on the map of their lives, right? I'm sure you've had plenty of good times since then. I also think even with a a singleton, you may not get the birth that you want. Something is always going to happen that you didn't expect, it may be good or it may be bad. (Not to scare you there.) Every birth experience is different, and if this one seems better or worse, I think it's one of those things that you just have to accept. I guess it's kind of like that famous quote that talks about accepting the things you cannot change.

 

While I couldn't call it PPD I was seriously blue after the twins for like 6 months, mostly because of feeling like it was unfair to not have enough time for all my kids. I didn't have as dramatic of a birth experience as what you did. But truly my baby #4 was soooo healing in that regard. I could get all the baby time I needed, and she was soooo easy compared to them. It didn't make me feel blue over the twins experience, instead it made me feel somehow healed from it. My baby #4 felt like a gift just for me! And she truly is such a joy... if I've had a near perfect baby experience it's been her. (Now I'm just hoping baby #5 doesn't seem like a let down! LOL)

 

I can relate. I sometimes feel guilty that my Number Three is getting all this extra time in utero that I couldn't give my twins. I honestly believe that parents who survive the NICU experience a sort of post-traumatic stress. I'd like to say that I'm over the NICU stress, but it still hits me once in a while. Fortunately, the NICU flashbacks become fewer and farther between as my twins get older. Hopefully it will be the same for you.

One thing that I find helpful is to be grateful for the stuff I get to do with my twins NOW. I couldn't hold them for six days after they were born, but I can hug them NOW any time I want. I struggled so hard to breast feed them when they were so tiny, and I failed at it miserably, but I can fill them up with all sorts of yummy food NOW. They were hooked up to oxygen tanks after coming home from the hospital after 124 days and I couldn't take them out by myself for a few months, but NOW they put on their boots and they're out the door before I can even catch them!

I think it's totally normal to have mixed feelings about pregnancy and delivery after an NICU experience. You are definitely NOT ALONE! :hug:

 

I totally agree... I had bad post partum after my twin boys that I didn't really enjoy a lot of their baby milestones... it left me scared, traumatized and guilty that I was a bad mother... but with my third, I was able to successfully breastfeed and she was a breeze to look after compared to twins. It healed me in terms of questioning my mothering capabilities, realizing that ppd was not normal nor was it my fault. Your twins being born early was not your fault in any way and when your new baby comes, enjoy the moments you will have and try cast guilt feelings aside