Working Moms

Just a vent I suppose - I have 3 kids - a 4 year old son and almost 2 year old twin daughters. I work full time by choice and for financial reasons. I enjoy working and do not feel like I am less of a parent for it.

Why the post? I live in a mostly SAHM neighborhood, sometimes I feel like the other Mothers feel I am wrong to work. One of their husbands actually asked my husband - don't you make enough money for her to stay home? I enjoy working and being a Mom - why can't we do both without the guilt?

Does anyone else feel this way or feel others think you are doing the wrong thing? I read an article about people blasting the TLC show about The Secret Lives of a Soccer Mom and how Moms should be at home and going to work and sending your child to daycare is child abandoment! I guess it just got me going this morning.

It should be familys choice about working or not working and either situation is fine and should be accepted by society but I don't think it is.

 

It's awful that you are made to feel that way. I worked until the kids were two (and I had my third) and then we just figured out that financially, it made more sense for me to stay at home. I miss working some days, others I don't. Every family is different and your situation should not be evaluated by every body on the block. What works for your family is the most important thing! I have to say that my kids did wonderfully in daycare and I cried when I took them out!

I agree that nobody should be critical of the choices/decisions another family makes!

 

I think you have to do what makes you happy. You will bring whatever you feel to your family. So, if working is right, then that's what's right for you. (If mom's happy, everyone's happy.) Unfortunately, though, there are people who judge when they shouldn't. I wouldn't bother with them!!

Lisa

 

Every family is different and every family needs to make decisions that are right for them. I get very upset when people judge others and most of the time don't have all of the facts. I work full-time for many of the reasons you mentioned and have not regretted my decision to go back to work. I don't think I would be as good of a mom if I was a SAHM. I admire women that can, but I just don't think I could do it. My kids are in a wonderful home daycare with a family friend and are in an excellend environment where I know they are loved and cared for all day long. I have never felt like I was abandoning them. Be confident in your decision and only you know what is best for you and your family.

 

I work mainly because we'd never make it on DH's income unless we moved somewhere much, much cheaper to live. And we'd still be struggling, and I'm not comfortable with financially struggling. But I have a very flexible, well-paying job and work FT from home with occasional travel, so this works for our family.

Ideally, I'd not have to work but we could still afford some PT childcare so I would get a break. Because after being a twin mommy for almost two years, I am fully aware that if I did this FT day after day, with no break or help, I'd go a little crazy. I'm not saying I work because I want to, but it does give me a little break. And I think that makes me an even better mommy.

Everyone has to do what works best for their family. Hats off to the SAHM's, you all have an amazing amount of patience and a job much rougher than my day job!

 

There are always people who will disagree with your choices. Sometimes I wish I was still working. But our expenses would outweigh what I could bring in. And I will go back eventually. When it is right for us. As long as you have made the choice that works for you and your family, then you have made the right choice.
I simply don't understand why our choices as mothers, in particular, have to be so polarizing. Working or staying home. Breast or bottle. Daycare or no daycare. The list goes on. Someday, hopefully before my children start having children, people will be more accepting of the "other sides."

 

I work for many of the same reasons you listed. However, there are two reasons that top the list. First we need it financially (I earn more than hubby). Second, I did not go to a bizzillion years of school to learn to do something I love and then just stop it. I LOVE my boys...wouldn't trade them for the world. But for me to be a better mommy, I need to do something for me every once in a while. That's why I work...I enjoy it (of course, just like everyone else I do complain about it from time to time but I truly enjoy and love my work). For others, the choice to be a better mommy may mean being a stay at home mom or a part time working mom. I, in fact, give great kudos to all of us, whether we work full time, part time or stay at home (or any other combination or situation I haven't mentioned). We all deserve credit for all the things we do.

I do have a few stay at home mom "friends" that sometimes make me feel guilty (not sure if they mean to or if it's just some type of "mommy" guilt I some times get) for working, so I totally understand how you feel. I think I mainly get the guilt on occasion because I remember my mother staying home with us and that was nice. Oh well...I enjoy working outside the home and don't regret it.

Stop feeling bad...you're doing what's best for you and your family.

 

I have also had some SAHM in my neighborhood act the same way towards me. There are also others that don't. I try to surround myself with the latter and avoid the former, but sometimes it's inevitable. I know in my heart that there are pros and cons to each option, and that everyone's situation is different. It does get to me on occasion though!

BTW, I live in Haddon Heights, NJ - is that near Mickelton?

 

Being a single mom I HAVE to work... if I put myself on welfare, what kind of example am I setting for my children? Especially when I am perfectly capable of working? For now, I am their sole provider... I wish I could stay home with them, but it's not an option. I agree with pp, surround yourself with the people who support you no matter what!

 

I work full time - mainly due to money, but also because I like my job. I do tend to experience guilt, but I also felt guilty when I was home with the babies for 8 months after their birth and was extremely stressed out. I was happy to be going back to work and I felt terrible about that. I think as mothers, we are just doomed to be guilt-ridden for something or other. I know I am constantly putting a lot of pressure on myself.

Everyone's situation is different, so you can't compare yourself to other moms. Everyone's financial situation is different. Some people had careers before they had kids, others may not have. Some went to college, some didn't. Some have careers where they can work nights and maybe be with their kids during the day. You have single mothers, 2 income families. And then it comes down to personality type, I think, and how much stress a person can handle. Also maybe the temperment of your kids. Maybe if you have really mild-mannered children, being a SAHM is a little easier than being a SAHM to a couple firey-tempered, "spirited" toddlers Look around twinstuff - there are so many different family situations here, I just don't think you can compare yourself to others.

If you are doing the best you can in your own situation, that's what counts, IMO. (Now, if I could only listen to my own advice! )

Michelle

 

I work full time and you know what? I am glad I do! I think personally, I could never be a SAHM, but I give a lot of credit to those that do. Just b/c we work doesn't mean we are any less of a mother (I have heard this and I want to hurt the person that said that comment). My sons will see me as a strong, working woman. That makes me proud in itself.

 

i work ft because i have no choice.. if i want my kids needs to be met.. i work..
i live in a wealthy sahm neighborhood.. with forign girls who come over as nannys and get pregnant..
im the only american! i feel i miss out alot.. but i dont have a choice..

do what you have to.. and dont think twice about it.

 

I work full time as well (mainly for financial reasons) but wish I could drop to part time.

Regardless...I hate when people judge! we have enough guilt as mom's, we don't need anymore laid on!

Be proud that you are able to be such a great mom and be great in your career as well!

 

Thank you ladies -

Does make me feel better - I had a career before kids and marriage and like one PP said, I worked to hard to get my degrees to let it all go and I do enjoy working and being a Mom - Us Moms can do it all!

 

I too work full-time for many reasons and also live in a neighborhood with a lot of families where the mother can stay home. However, all that matters is how you feel - do you think you're a good mother? Do you believe you are doing what is best for your family and yourself? If so, that is all that matters.

I talked with my mom about this the other day - who is my BEST friend in the world, worked full-time as I was growing up, and I think I turned out alright - and she said, "Do you want Lily Belle (my DD) to go out and get a wonderful education and a make a successful career for herself when she's older?" My answer was "of course". Then she asked me, "Are you going to be the one to tell her to give it up?" I've always been taught I can have everything if I work my tail off for it. I worked my tail off for everything in my life, appreciate all of it, and have my priorities in order. Don't come down on yourself - and come here when you need to vent!

 

i can give you another spin on it... I live in a NON-Sahm neighborhood, everyone works around here.. so when we made the decision for me to stay home with the boys because financially, after childcare, i wouldn't have been bringing home much extra.. i received and STILL do receive grief about staying home. People are constantly telling me that the boys are big enough to go to daycare and i need to go back to work! You can't win?! Don't you just love unsolicited parenting advice??

 

I work full time too because I'm starting my career (finished grad school while pregnant) and I like my work. Some of DH's family has made comments about my working, but in the end the decision is yours and others who judge really need to find better things to do with their time.

 

I work FT too b/c without my income we couldn't provide for our family. Not the extras, just the basics. I hate that people have to try to judge others to justify themselves. I feel that you are doing what is best for your family and that is all that should matter. :hug99:

 

I know how you feel, I have a neighbor that is a stay at home mom that always drops hints that I should be home with my girls. I work for both money and because I think that I am a better mom for it personally. The girls love going to Daycare 3 days a week, they get to do crafts, songs, and play with other kids. Then 2 days a week they go to grandma's house and I love that she gets to spend time with them and vice-a-versa.

 

I work because I love what I do. I had my children later in life and I'm finally in the perfect job. My kids are happy, my DH is mostly happy and I'm happy. What's bad about that? We're all moms and should be supporting each other - it burns me up when I hear one criticize the choices of others. I would not pay any attention to those who judge. I wish I had some snippy comebacks for you.

 

I think alot of judgements occur on both sides of this fence. Folks like this just want to put down somebody else for whatever reason. Every combination of motherhood (SAHM, FT, PT, and everything in between) has its advantages and disadvantages. I work because I learned very quickly that I am not SAHM material. I commend any woman who can stay sane and be with their kids all the time. I just couldn't do it. And, I work because I like working (most of the time). Do I dream of staying at home? Sure, but those dreams are usually without anyone else at home and involve lots of relaxing free time. I give my kids good quality time when I am with them. I know they know I love them and to me that's all that matters. I have enough mommy guilt on my own without anyone else adding their two cents...and I think that's why comments like you mentioned just get under your skin. You know in your heart that you have made the right decision...and if you don't, then maybe it's time to do some soul searching, ya know?

Let the comments roll off of you and remember that the person saying them is either pretty insecure and probably jealous that you get to work or must clearly be pyschic since they know what's best for you and your kids!! LOL!
Shannon