WOMEN! I Need Some DW Help

Now when I say you can be blunt...I mean you can be blunt in regards to DW OR me. I want the unabridged version. I really wanna nip this in the bud and nip it quick.

My DW feels for some reason this is a competition. It is FAR from that. My concern and my concern only is my babies.

This might be a bit odd, but I am 100 percent comfortable when she is not around. I have zero issues with the kids. No...I am not a God when it comes to them and I will be the first to admit it. I am a work in progress...in fact WE are a work in progress.

When I say I have zero issues with the kids, I by far mean that it is an easy job. What I mean is that I handle it an accept the challenges.

I just need some other DW's point of views. I need some help.

We have had a couple issues. They seem to have gotten worse since DD came home the other day.

I sent her off today to her Grandparents for Thanksgiving. I deep fried a turkey and had her take it over there. I guess it was a hit.

She came back and it was a repeat of yesterday. She kept wanting "kudos" for what she did.

Man...I CANNOT discount what she did, or does for the kids, but I am very unsure on how to pat her on the back and say..."You did a great job feeding, burping and changing the kids...". That's about all there is to do right now.

I AM NOT tooting my own horn, but I feed these kids A LOT faster than she does (no...it is not a race), and I'm the burping King. I was lucky. My Mom had a Home Daycare for over 25years and most of it was while I was growing up.

I told her point blank..."These kids are hard enough without you adding to the issues".

She does...she adds stress and arguments to everything. I know it is because she feels inferior to me, but I don't care. My only concern is for the kids. I am busy as well and after working, household chores, etc. the rest of my energy goes to the kids. I hardly sleep, but still, I am always with the kids.

Most of the time I have at least one that I am caring for to help her out, but she gets stressed with just one at times and with 2....forget it.

I totally LOVE my DW, but I told her it is getting to be unbearable with the way she acts when she is home and NOT asleep. I need her help and I cannot fight with her. I just don't have the energy.

She's doing a GREAT job, don't get me wrong, but what do I do???? Take a more back-seat role to make her feel better??? I just can't. She has only had both of them for almost 2 days now and I know when she is gettin whooped. When she gets "whooped"...she takes it out on me.

I am NOT God's Gift To A Woman, but I know I help out a HELL of a lot more and then some than other husbands.

This was my first Thanksgiving back home in the past 4 years. I was in Iraq all the other times. I LOVE to cook and it was hard, but I really wanted her to have a break and go relax.

I've still been busy with the kids off and on since she got back and have yet to have MY Turkey Dinner, but I don't mind. To be truly honest though, it does kinda suck and is a bummer.

I know some of the themes on here is that the DH doesn't help out, but what do you do when DW makes things harder!?!?

I know it could be some Post Partum, and she does as well, so hopefully she will get some help...somehow...someway.

 

...Or...be blunt to me. I don't need anything sugar coated.

 

Okay, a couple of things...

You said she keeps wanting kudos for what she does, how hard is it to give them to her, really? I mean, if she is a bit insecure having newborn, premature twins at home, that's just natural and if she feels like she's done a lot & wants you to acknowledge it, wouldn't it be easier to just tell her she's doing a great job?

You also said several times it's not a contest, but yet go on to say how much faster you feed them, burp them, how much more you are doing around there, etc. Stop comparing yourself to her. Not only is she adjusting to having 2 tiny babies at home, but she's doing it while hormones from a twin pregnancy are returning to normal in her body. Believe me, that alone is no cakewalk & is nothing that any guy will ever understand fully. Hormones are miserable things that can make all of us do miserable things & they are way higher in a twin pregnancy & the return to normal can be a bumpy ride. If you feel you are doing more, better at the moment, okay, but maybe don't rub it in (not saying you are, I'm not there, I'm just thinking that's probably how she's feeling). Don't point out the differences, you know?

Also, it's fantastic that you are really involved & giving her some time with her family & time to rest, but if you are doing it with the attitude of man, this sucks for me but I'll do it for you anyway (and even if you don't say those words, if you are feeling them, she is probably picking up on those feelings), then it's only going to make things harder. Sure, give her some time to rest & some time with her family but, at the same time, give her some time with the kids to prove to herself that she can take care of them just as well as you, while you go out & do something else for awhile so you aren't resentful of being home doing all the work. Don't treat her like she is incapable of handling things on her own.

Overall, adjusting to having a newborn around is difficult on a marriage. Having 2 at once is twice as hard. You just have to find your rhythm together, get yourselves into a routine of who's doing what & when, definitely don't make it a contest about who's doing it better, support each other, and eventually you will become a family of four instead of a couple caring for 2 babies.

ETA - Oh, and I meant to say, if you or she feels that what she is feeling is beyond the normal "baby blues" make sure to talk to a doctor. Postpartum depression is a very real condition that can manifest in many ways & there are ways to treat it, so don't hesitate to ask for help.

 

Thank You for your response...

No...you are right "Kudos" is very important...

Sorry if my initil post was a bit scatter-brained. I was trying to type it real quick on my Blackberry while I was in the bathroom. I guess I was just a bit frustrated. Both the kids are now fed and I'm sitting on my lap-top now, so hopefully I can gather my thoughts a bit better.

I didn't mean I rub it in her face like "Look at me!!! Look at me!!!" I have NEVER once told her, or tried to compare feeding, sleeping skills, etc. with her. That would just be silly(and a painful death wish on my end). I mentioned it here because I knew she would not see it. Just trying to explain the situation.

I see how some things in my post might have made it seem like I was turning it into a competition...that is far from the case.

Oh no...not in any way. I don't do anything that I think..."Yeah...I'll do this, but I would really rather be doing something else."

YOu do make a good point though. Like when you say to leave her alone...let her prove it to herself while maybe I am out doing other things. I will just tell you that it is hard for me because I am not used to that.

No doubt...Post Partum is a real thing and can become an issue. She has already said that she is going to talk with her doctor.

Just to clarify...when I speak about things on here...they aren't things I say to DW. I am just setting the background story. So please...whatever I say, don't feel that I say or project my feelings towards DW like that. Just like when some of you complain about your DHs on here...you like to vent and that is good, but you don't always say to him what you post on here.

 

Well to be blunt, you right you don't care its about the kids. The best gift a husband can give his kids is a happy marriage and to love their mother. That means sucking it up and giving her the extra kudos right now. I guarantee if you do that for a little bit and quell her anxieties the "competition" will stop. She is acting this way because she is insecure as most of us are with nb twins. If she is home w the babies, I can tell you I often feel like my hubby has no clue how hard this is day in/out-I would much rather go to work anyday-easier hands down.plus when u carry these babies all that time, sometimes you need a little extra. She did something amazing but once the babies are here, she may feel like she was just an incubato. Give more kudos-she deserves them from pregnancy and childbirth alone! Also, The way you "talk" in your writing with MY capitalized and I DONT CARE makes me think you are contributing big time to the problem in just the way you talk to/address her.Sorry just being honest-it really rubbed me the wrong way so my guess is how you talk to her may make her feel inferior and she is looking for your approval and kudos as to what a good mom she is. I wish you luck with this.

 

See...that is why I posted my questions and thoughts. I was by far trying to come on her and get a "pity party" from you guys like a lot of other posters.

I wanted you guys to be blunt to me. I could care less if I was right or wrong, but what I wanted was the women's view of all this, and it does help.

Most guys do not think like women and most women do not think like men...but here I am...asking for people(other women) to be blunt to me. I want to know the other side. If I didn't, I would not have posted it.

I was not looking for the typical, "Oh...boo hoo...so sorry...you are not a bad hubby", etc, that goes with the typical female posts in similar categories. I know I'm the minority here.

I want to know what a woman feels...and I am getting that. I really do appreciate it.

Some things get looked past in guys. We are not all wired like women. It's not easy. I am trying here. I am trying to learn how to relate to my DW here. I am trying to make it work...not make it un-work(is that a word???).

I will totally take some of the things you guys have said and try to put them to practice. You are right...

 

LOL..yes...I've read your "Husband Rant"...sorry it sucks for you.

I can assure you that I am 100% FULLY aware on what is required day in and day out. I do not need a "sched time" in order to be responsible for the kids.

Maybe I should have said I was just venting as well. Sorry, but it is frustrating for me as well.

Wow...is it that hard to understand that it can also be hard for the husband?!?!?!?

I got some good input from this posts and I am for sure going to try and see what will work. I want things to be as smooth as they can(if that's possible...)

 

And please...don't get it twisted...

I have not one single problem taking care of my kids...not one, nor do I have any issues with giving my DW a well deserved break, or time to relax. Right now, it is either her or I, it can't be both of us.

I was meerly frustrated with the way I was(am) treated when she is here with me at times.

I just wanted a woman's point of view. I do what I do because that is what I choose and want to do. I don't need a freakin pat on the back. The reason I listed some of the things is because I know for a fact that DHs like me are few and far between(I've heard some great stories bout some other DHs on here). We do it/things becase we WANT to be involved, not because we feel it is our duty.

I guess what they want is some "kudos", and I will work on that. Honestly it's just hard, because besides feeding, burping, diaper changing, etc...not really much else exciting goes on right now, but I see what you guys are saying that women need that.

 

Babies need BOTH parents to take care of them. Your kids don't need only feeding and changing diapers, they need to be loved and cuddled by you as well as your DW. They already know their mothers voice as well as yours when their were 4 month IU. They know their mother's smell also. they need BOTH of you to take care of them.

To be blunt as you requested, let me tell you that when reading your 3 posts I get the feeling that you are a bit "jealous" from your DW. from here come the "competition" thing that all pps as well as I felt in your post, even though you are in denial of that.

If you can handle feeding, burping and changing diapers better than your DW does, it's not a nice thing to make her feel "inferior" to you. as pp said you might not have said it to her but from your attitude she feels it. Besides, even though you can help well with the kids, you're not being supportive to your DW, at leat emotionally.

I do admire your courage of posting here where as far as I know you're the only male I've ever read so far in this forum. Most couples go through little difficulties in the first few months after delivery. With little love and compromise it's easy to overcome those difficulties.

I wish you good luck.

 

Pitt- I think it's ballsy and admirable of you to come on here and ask for help. I think it's GREAT! I think everything you're saying sounds totally normal. You had your twins in the NICU for a LOONNNGGG time and OMG I probably wouldn't be married by that pt! I think you're doing a great job and give the fact that you are a MALE and on TS as much as you are, I can see that you are a very caring, involved father AND husband.

I admire the fact that you are as involved as you are and think that is AWESOME.

I don't think you're doing ANYTHING wrong but do agree that IF she needs an EXTRA pat on the back right now-- just give it to her. And if YOU need one, then ask for it.

Give EACH OTHER breaks. Don't do anything that can/will cause resentment later on. (not getting to have Tgiving YOURSELF could be one of those things.) It needs to be as fair as it can be so as not to cause problems later on.

I commend you and your wife for getting through this. Even when babies are not born early, it's tough. Yours were micropreemies and OMG that had to have been ROUGH.

Again, I think you're doing a GREAT job and I'm sure your wife is too.

Be good to each other. Support Support Support! Now that they are BOTH home it's only going to get harder. Stay strong TOGETHER.

And feel free to come and ask US for help/advice anytime.

I think it's great! And take it w/ a grain of salt too, cuz we are the other sex!

 

I think, now that my two are almost two, one piece of advice I will give husbands of first time mothers is to not take what your wife says and does the first year after childbirth personally.
There is so much that is going through a woman's head after giving birth, it astounded even me.
First all, I would have your DW talk to her doctor about postpartum depression or anxiety. You both also dealt with 2 children who have been in the NICU for a very long time.
Secondly, think about all of the expectations that are put on her as woman (stuff that she is probably putting on herself)...she is probably expecting that as the mom she "should" be the one who can burp the kids better/feed them faster/attend their needs. She might be feeling insecure and seeing you handle two children with more ease then she expected might be making her feel even more insecure.

I have been in your DW's shoes. My DH was super Dad after the kids were born. There were times where I wondered if I was just the person whose stomach they came out of. Don't get me wrong, my DH is an excellent father and there is nothing about parenting he has shyed away from and I am totally grateful that there is no "parenting" job that he won't do. But yes, I did feel very inferior to him as parent because I expected as the mother, I "should" be the one who magically "knew" what to do for the kids and how to do it better and faster.
Once I stopped "shoulding" on myself and realizing that there things I did well with the kids and things he does better, I felt a lot less insecure.

Give your DW praise even for the little things, like burping. Try not to take what she says and does to hurt. It isn't about you. She's a first time Mom and she's putting a lot of pressure on herself. Tell her she is the best Mom those two babies will have and you are the best Dad those two babies will have.
Thank her for what she does. I thank my DH for the little things he does like changing a diaper, changing the diaper genie. I hope she does the same for you.

 

Pit - we all need to rant sometimes and I am glad you feel comfortable enough to do that here amongst all these women!! You are doing a great job and so is your wife. I hope that she can get help if it is indeed post partum depression and I wish both of you and your LOs all the best. This is not an easy job and we all need acknowledgment for a job well done.

I just wanted to add that you and your DW should try and get out alone together whenever possible. You need to nurture your relationship right now, something I know is very hard at this point in the game, what with the demands of raising two newborns. But if at all possible set up a date night once a month where the two of you can get out alone together and reconnect away from the stresses of the babies. As hard as it may be, try not to spend the whole evening talking about the babies!! I know I found that incredibly difficult at first (my hubby and I started by going out for half hour coffee dates together and will be going out for our second dinner since the girls were born this weekend) but ideally you will return to the house energized and ready to tackle the challenges of raising your children as a team. My DH and will have the occasional spat or competitive outburst (i.e. you got more sleep than me last night; I think you should burp the babies this way, not that way; why didn`t you change their diapers when you said you would, blah blah blah) but we usually realize how silly we`re being pretty quickly and that everything will go more smoothly if we act like a team and not like competitors. Even if you can`t get time alone away from the babes take them out for a stroller walk, which I always find to be both energizing and relaxing. Luckily my girls love the stroller and therefore sleep the whole time they`re in there so it`s almost like we`re alone!! Anyway, try to hang in there and I hope things improve for you guys soon. :hug:

 

It sounds to me like she has some depression going on, which is completely understandable with the events you have experienced in the past few months. I know for me, I go on auto-pilot during the tough times, and then tend to fall apart after the dust has settled. Please encourage her to see her doctor right away.

When I am depressed, I am irritable, insecure, and tend to just shut down. It sounds like she is doing the same? Hannah was my only NICU baby, a 35 weeker, and was in the hospital for just 10 days. It was one of the hardest week and a 1/2's of my life. I felt like such a failure, and so helpless as she laid there struggling. Of course I trudged through it, with some breakdowns, and then fell apart when she was finally home. To be honest, it was harder for me to bond with Hannah, although it did come with time, and was easier once I was treated for PPD. I can only imagine that those feelings could be much stronger considering how much time your babies were in the NICU.

I would not be surprised if she has PTSD from the birth/events following, and perhaps that is what the root of the issues are. I think that the best thing that you can do for her is to get her into a doctor/counselor.

 

I was just going to add that she has had the "comfort" of lots of doctors and nurses and she has lost that immediate validation. To be honest, she is probably not feeling secure in her role yet because they are not the same babies you left in the hospital. Nobody is looking over your shoulder to tell you what to do nor are they giving lots of praise for the little things.

She's probably having a tough time with this major life switch. If you back up just a little bit, I bet her instincts will have a better chance of kicking in.

Something else you might try when you are alone is to ask her a few questions:

What scares you most?
What excites you the most?
What do you need from me?

 

I don't have much new to say... just go Pitt!

I also had a crappy TDay- I can't eat dairy & my parents brought the meal... dairy everywhere, ugh! I've never gone away from the table hungry on Thanksgiving before. It's hard not to have some self-pity when things are different and not necessarily better than last year. (OK, being home is probably better than being in Iraq, but I bet you thought you'd be with family when you pictured being home for Thanksgiving).

I blew up at my DH just this week- he is also home with me- b/c I'd done more of the non-baby things during the day (cleaned bathroom, did laundry, washed dishes, etc) and he hadn't said anything. For me, it makes me feel a bit invisible or like what I've been working on doesn't matter. I don't need flowers/gifts or anything. Just say Thank You and mean it to me. Appreciate what I've done even if you don't think it needed doing in the first place. :clapping:

He is also better than I at burping & in the beginning, soothing. After they were born (I had a C-Section) I couldn't move around very well so he did a lot of the burping. When we brought them home, my one DS seemed to prefer him and would settle down immediately for him. This was hard for me- :headbang: I thought as Mommy, they would at least TOLERATE me. It took some time. I think my DH was secretly pleased about this, but tried to view it as free time for me (I'm Breastfeeding & it's pretty frustrating to be trapped 10-13 times a day + pumping). I agree with the others- she needs opportunities for success. Start going out to the store... grab dinner. Don't leave the babies screaming when you go (or only 1 screaming). My DH does take a class & I was TERRIFIED to do it alone but gradually feel up to it whereas from the day I could drive he could handle it way better than I could. It's taken about a month, I'd say, for me to fully feel at his level.

You two do need to get out as well. I know it doesn't feel like it, as your babies just got home. But you just got home & there's no way for fun when your babies are in the NICU (I imagine). So go out together & have some fun for just 1 hour- it makes a huge difference. My parents are in town & my mom SUCKS at calming down babies. She gets really anxious & makes them cry harder. My dad is really good with them, but doesn't take any initiative. We left the boys with them for an hour 2 days ago & played mini-golf together. The place sucked, but we had a ball. Came home to 2 screaming babies. In a matter of seconds, they were calm. But DH & I had private jokes, & loads of fun. It was so worth it!

This is one of the hardest times in your marriage. Don't make the mistake of just focusing on the babies- they need two relatively happy parents as well.

Come vent anytime- I love your bluntness!

 

I agree with everything everyone said. With your first baby(ies), the mom often feels like she "has to". She has to be the one to feed the babies, she has to be the one to know what cry means what, and at the same time, she really wants to be her own person and not give up her own identity. Your wife is chock full of conflicting emotions and the only person safe enough to take them out on is you because, well you love her and will stand by her through it. Sucks, doesn't it?

So, stop trying to fix things, it is annoying her more because you are probably right. Instead, support her and when she says something about her skills, tell her how impressed you are. If she says something negative, remind her of the 12 bajillion things she did right. She needs it. You might be sick of giving it but she needs it. How many babies has she raised in the past? None (unless she has a secret stash you don't know about). She wants to do this right because honestly, it is scary to hold someone's life in your hands and be the person responsible for making sure they are safe and happy. The more you support her, the quicker she will become comfortable in her shoes and the faster the "competition" will stop. AND, when you guys have the next set, she will realize the error of her ways and just let you raise them.

 

I don't have a lot new to add to the prior posts... just to say that it really makes me smile and feel happy when my husband praises me... especially in front of others... I think that you both have been through a lot with having premies and now having them at home, and then add in there hormones - oh my! I get frazzled with my two when I'm PMS'ing now... and I know it was worse when all the pregnancy hormones were still there too. (if she has her cycle back, she may be doing a little PMS'ing too!)

I find my stress level is way up when I try to get so many things done, and have the added stress of the holidays etc. None of that will add anything positive to how she is reacting to you...

good luck and try to think about the good things, and keep things positive in your marriage. yes, the best thing you can give your children is a wonderful marriage.

 

No, I never thought that you would say these things to your wife. What I'm saying is that if you are feeling these things, then oftentimes those feelings come across to other people whether you say them or not. So, she may very well be picking up on these feelings even if you aren't putting them into words.

 

THANK YOU!!! That's all I can say.

I read and re-read all of the posts this morning.

It is just VERY hard. I know 100 percent that I deal(as do most men), with things in a totally different way than women do.
It doesn't mean my way of dealing with things is better than hers, or hers better than mine. We just have different approaches.

I like the analogy about having the comfort of the doctors and nurses(well...some of them. Ha) for so long, and then WHAM!!!...having it all gone can be a HUGE change.

I try my best to NEVER approach it like..."Hey...look what I am doing!??! Look at me!!! Look at me!!!", but I also know that even without saying that, the feeling can still be there for her.

I will NOT deny that I am not there for her as emotionally as I should be, but I will make it my goal to change that. It's not that I don't love her, it's just that those are things I don't need. It is a pathetic excuse on my part and I CANNOT be like that. It isn't fair to her.

Thanl You for showing and telling me what she is or could be dealing with emotionally and what you feel she needs.

Your comment did not fall on deaf ears. I got lots of info, and I am going to put it to work starting now.

 

FYI...I went to her this morning with a big hug and an even bigger Mug of coffee and said..."Hey, let's start over"

She started crying and said..."It's just that you do things so much better than me"

We chatted a bit and I tried to let he know that it is not a competition and also that it's not always the case. I don't always do things better than her. I admitted to her my faults in regards to not being there for her emotionally as I should and while it is different for me since I don't require it, I REALLY need to work on being there for her.

I do feel she feels inferior in some aspects, but we are a team. Without the other...we both fail.

I asked her to open up more to me and to embrace the fact that I don't have any(real) issues taking care of the kids myself, to PLEASE take advantage of it. Go out shopping, go to the gym, go have lunch with her friends.

My mother is coming for Christman and she is pretty much the only person either of us would ever trust to leave the kids with. Until then, we will work on and with eachother for the babies, then work on us(in regards to Mommy-Daddy Time) when my Mom gets here. We willt ake time out for ourselves.

She will do great!!! Even thgough I am the one going off to work, I think she is going to have the more difficult chores.

For Christmas, her gift was a new lap-top and I transferred my VA Education benifits to her and she gets to stay home, take care of the kids and get her Masters Degree. She has already registered for her first few classes and it looks like it will take her til next May due to the way the classes are laid out.

In my mind, I would think going off to work would be way easier...she's got the tougher job hands down.

 

I haven't read all the replies yet, but I wanted to address something. Your DW could be having some post-traumatic stress too. I know her pregnancy was going just fine up until the day the babies were born. It's been a few months, so you make think she's "over" that shock, but they are both home now and it's probably all hitting her. I delivered at 38 weeks, was a planned c-section, and was expecting to have no NICU time and everything to go just fine. Well, it didn't, and long story short, Ainsley almost died, I lost a lot of blood and was much sicker post-birth than I ever thought I would be, and it was all quite traumatic. I was a complete basket case, especially when they were both finally home. I cried all the time, felt horrible that I wasn't breastfeeding, always wondering what I was doing wrong (Bea spit up a lot, felt like it was my fault).

Please go easy on her. Giver her kudos if that's what she needs. It is freaking tough to have two babies to take care of, especially two premature babies. Maybe she could use some counseling. No, it's not a competition but sometimes I did feel like crap when he could get them to sleep and I couldn't or that he was much better at swaddling than I was. She might feel somewhat inadequate, especially since you have baby experience, and I take it she doesn't.

 

I know that I would love nothing more than to have my hubby give me a big hug and tell me that he doesn't know how I do it, that I must be the strongest woman on the face of the earth, that I am the best woman in every sense of the word that he has ever met...but alas this has not happened LOL!

I don't know why but I CRAVE this, I think about it all the time that I wish someone would tell me how strong they think I am and how they can't imagine doing what I have to do to make it through each day. I have 2 other kids and have never felt this way before but I think it's having twins and having another child so close in age. Don't get me wrong, hubby helps a lot and works all day too so he deserves praise too but being at home alone with a 17 month old and 2.5 month old twins is THE hardest thing I have ever done. (I think I will send him an email at work telling him just how much I appreciate him thanks to your post and who knows he may just give it back.) Many many days I do not get lunch til 3 and thats if I get lunch. It is a constant juggling act all day and if you add in trying to make supper, well its more than a gong show.

One other thing is that every time I am out on maternity leave I always start to feel like I want to bake the cookies, clean and organize the house, make supper from scratch and it frustrates me that I can't. The cookies are store bought, the house is worse every day and hubby has to make dinner more nights than not as I'm usually nursing at that time of day. This makes me feel bad even if it doesn't to him because I wish I could do all that, I want to be able to do it all and well.

My point in all of this babble (that is being typed while nursing one babe of course LOL) is that your DW may be feeling any or all of these things too on top of having NICU babes and hormones etc. Maybe (like I am going to do) give her the praise that she probably is desperately craving and she will give it back.

I am sorry you had a cruddy thanksgiving but it was very nice of you to let your DW have a good one, maybe the next time it will be your turn or better yet you can both enjoy it! I hope this all helped you understand the female perspective a bit better.

 

I read more of the thread and just wanted to add something else. Maybe she doesn't want to get out, it's possible that you sending her out is making her feel useless. I know most of the time we want a break, but this is all still new, so she might just want some time with the babies and to feel like a family, all together at home. Maybe after DD is home for a few days, YOU go out and leave her for an hour or so, saying, "You do such a great job with those babies, mind if I run out for a bit? I know you'll be just fine."

I'm not sure, are you working right now? I know you're home on leave, but you all also have a restaurant, right? Maybe she needs a little space too. My DH works from home, and while it's great, sometimes it's like, dude, your smothering me! Don't you have somewhere to go?

 

You've gotten some great responses here, I just wanted to emphasize that your DW probably has completely impossible expectations for herself in terms of magically being the world's best mom. We women are really hard on ourselves when we don't live up to June Cleaver or Mary Poppins. DW also probably had fantasies about how wonderful it would be when the babies were home from NICU and things aren't going as well as she would want. She probably thought 'all I have to do is make it through NICU and everything will be better' then she is hit with the very real difficulties of two small babies and she has to feel 'shouldn't I have been through the hard part yet?' NICU nurses can also make people fell inadequate because they're so confident and she probably expected to be that confident when at home.

In terms of getting out, is it possible to put both babies in a stroller and take a slow walk around the neighborhood with all of you? That really helps my mood. Also, she'll probably also get lots of kudos from neighbors about how she's handling things and how cute her babies are.

 

Pitbullz,

My DH is a lot like you as far as being hands on and knowing what it takes everyday to be a SAHM to twins. We have a very close relationship and are able to share our fears and inferiorities with each other without judgement. One thing we do every night is lay in bed and talk about our day, the babies, or whatever is on our mind. This allows us to be completely open with one another, stay on the same page, and reconnect as a couple.

The first couple months are the hardest because everything is new and uncharted territory. Nobody tells you that the first months are like find your way in the dark with babies(especially when there are two!). Women expect to have that "motherly instinct" or be "programmed" to know what to do when we have kids, not true! Yes, I feel like I have gained some instincts, but everyday is a challenge and something unexpected can happen in the blink of an eye. People say, "you'll know what to do when it is your child" but sometimes you don't!

Maybe your DW feels like a lot of parenting things come easy for you (maybe they do), which might make her feel like they should really come easy to her since she is their mother. Have you talked to her about things that you find difficult?? My DH is VERY laid back and it takes a lot to get him mad or frustrated, which can frustrate me because sometimes I want him to show me that he is having a hard time too(gotta make sure he is human!)

Also some words of encouragement can go a long way with your DW (especially when her hormones are going crazy!) Sometimes I would get down and feel like I was drowning and failing at motherhood, but my DH would tell me "You are a great mommy and I couldn't have picked anyone better to be the mother of my children." He also says "You are also extra special because God gave you two, and God knew you could handle them and succeed!" :wub:

On the flip side, I know how much effort and love my DH puts toward the babies and I make sure I praise and encourage him as well. I know it takes both of us to be successful in our parenthood and we make sure we work as a team!

 

I wonder if your DW doesn't feel some lingering feelings of guilt/failure over the premature birth. It kind of runs like this in my mind (imaging that I'm her unconscious mind).
"I failed at the pregnancy. It was my job to keep them safe until they were ready to be born. I failed at my most important job. Now that the doctors and nurses rescued them from my failure, I fail at caring for them. I can't do anything right!"

So this "competition" is just another sucker punch to the gut for her. Many women think that motherhood should come naturally, when in reality we all have to learn cries, diapering, feeding, burping.

She needs your reassurance now. That she's not a failure. That she's a good mother. That you love her, her new body and the incredible gift of these babies. In short, she needs you.

 

From time to time, when you both have a spare moment, just hug her and tell her how much you love her and thank her for those wonderful babies, tell her that you are a family and you will get through this rough period together and tell her she is a wonderful mother. I don't think you have to praise her every move, but just let her know that she is doing a good job.
And don't send her away, don't lock her away in a room. If you see that she is tired ask her if she wants to rest for a bit. Tell her that you will do the same later, so she won't fell like she is a loser and you are superman who will do everything and never sleep. I don't know if it is hormones or the c-section or the sleepless nights in the hospital, but I know that, even if I had my mom and MIL who took turns during the night and stayed with the babies and they cooked and cleaned, I was always tired, falling asleep the moment I touched the pillow. I would fall asleep during the night when I was feeding the babies. So, it's not her, it's this tiredness that gets your body and there's nothing you can do, just hope someday will go away.
So, to make this shorter, maybe you shouldn't have sent her away to her family (you and your babies are the most important family for her right now) and maybe you should have eaten that nice turkey you cooked with her, alone, as a family.
Well, this are just my thoughts, you know your wife better. Hope you will find the balance and you will get through this rough period. By the time the babies will run around the house you won't even remember this.
Just hang in there (together) and take care!

 

EXACTLY what I was thinking! Remember, there is no one right way to do all those things. It might be important to let her know that too. Keep being supportive, she's probably in a very emotional state. Give her hugs and tell her she's a great mom.

 

This is sort of a tangent, but not really. In the beginning, my DH was the BEST. So much better than I. But now, I've caught up/shown him different things. For example- I play with the babies and show him how to do it.I also comfort him that they don't need to be stimulated every second of the day & NEED to play independently from us. He is learning how & why babies play through me. Your DW will have strengths that will come out- especially as she's about to get a TON of practice. It wouldn't surprise me to see the babies prefer her in 6 months after her staying home with them for that time (not saying this to hurt your feelings- just trying to point out that babies are very transient in their needs. One day it's newborn-ville, the next- crawling).

Way to go with the hug/mug, BTW. You brought tears to my eyes. (Mostly b/c I'm a sap :ibiggrin: ).

 

I had a really long response typed up before my computer crashed. GRRR. Anyways, short story....I think that women in general need to feel like that can do everything and do everything perfectly. When we can't or someone else can do it better and we see our babies respond better with what they do or how the other person handles things better (i.e. I lose my temper a lot...DH does not. I feel like a failure when I yell b/c he can control himself and I cannot), we feel like failures. She probably does have some post-partum hormonal stuff going on and you guys had a long road in the NICU and the challenges that many new parents have never had to face. It's just a tough adjustment overall. I'm sure once everyone gets in the swing of things, a good schedule, more sleep, more hugs, etc. that things will calm down. In the meantime, she probably needs to hear the words to help her feel more secure and have small times of confidence building where she is alone with them and figures out on her own that she CAN handle these little ones even if it's not the same way you do it. It took a long time for me to feel confident and at times I still don't and they are 4. But, you'd be amazed at what a hug and a "Wow, you got M to sleep so easily!" or "great job with ...." will go. Men and women are just wired differently and men may not need that feedback, but women usually do. Hang in there. It's all pretty new to both of you. And kudos to you for looking for a way to help your relationship right now. It's hard on both parents.

 

First I would like to say thanks for posting. I think that it is great that you are able to come on here and talk with us women. From my own experience I can tell you that having your babies in NICU can take away all that initial bonding that one hopes for especially with first pregnancies. I was okay and thought I was handling things great until my kids came home. I totally fell apart, grieved for the bonding I never got and just became resentful of the whole situation and was an emotional mess. I did have PPD and got help for it quickly and from what I have been told it is more common with multiples and also with higher stress like NICU time. We all know you guys have had a long tough road and it may just be all catching up with her now. Make sure that you talk to her about her feelings and that will let her know that you are thinking about her to

With my husband we were reversed. I was more comfortable with the kids and was kinda a control freak about schedules and the proper way to feed that I was making my husband feel like he couldn't do anything right. This of course was not my intention but with lots of communication we found the right was to teach eachother and get on the same page. If you have had alot of previous experience with kids it only makes sense that you are comfortable with them and perhaps you can find a way to help her feel comfortable to. It sounds like she just feels like she should be doing a better job so any extra nice comments would really help boost her confidence. Also I think that it is a great idea to get out yourself to so she can do it on her own but don't leave for to long unless your sure she is comfortable with it. The first time I got left alone I completely freaked out and had a terrible anxiety attack. I was good for the first couple of hours but a whole day by my self I wasn't ready for yet. Once my meds kicked in it was fine and it isn't like this for everyone but just beaware that if she is having any anxiety or fears of being alone for a long time with the kids that she isn't. I think that it is great that you are helpful. I know that I am very greatful to my husband who is extreamly helpful as well and I feel sorry for those who don't get help from their spouses because it is a hard thing to do on your own. I would say just keep it the good work, boost her self esteem and hang in there and in a few months things will get much better and easier on everyone.
Best of luck

 

Sean I think you've already gotten some great advice, especially from Tina, Kathy (mellizos), and Kelly.

I don't think taking care of twins is easy at all, and I can't even imagine taking care of newborn micro-preemie twins. I'm sure the NICU has it's own set of challenges, and bring them home has a whole new set of challenges--it's just you guys (unless you hire a nurse of have family members helping). The adjustments to your marriage, your family, your space; the sleep deprivation; the hormones; and everything else is tough on even the strongest marriage.

I think a better attitude is to just accept that things are hard, and I do mean hard on you too. You wouldn't have posted this if you were feeling a little stressed. (I seem to remember arguing with you in another thread a few months ago about how hard it is to have newborn twins .) It's normal to feel stressed, just try not to take it out on each other, and try not to act like it's a competition. In fact, I'm not really sure that being able to feed them faster is any better, anyways. Moreover, if you wait long enough your gonna find she's better at some things and you're better at others, and you can try to divide the labor up to maximize both of your talents.

 

Hey Sean,

I followed your caring bridge site, so I am familiar with all the time spent in the NICU with your babies. Our babies were born around the same time!

Anyway, you have had some great responses so far. I can tell you from my experience, that being a new mom is so hard, stressful, and emotional. My hubby had a 16 year old daughter from a former marriage, when we had our first child. I felt so inferior, since he knew everything, how to calm a colicky baby, how to change a diaper, how to give a baby a bath, and I knew NOTHING! He worked all day, 60 hours a week and STILL came home and took the baby for a for a bit so I could have a break, take a shower, go on a walk, etc. That time, and now with our twins, we split the night in half. He would sleep five hours first shift, and then I would. The other would be on "baby duty", which involved feeding, rocking, etc. I stay home, he works, and still he does all this for me. Yet there are still days, even now, that I am tired, overwhelmed, unappreciated (not really just in my head)and I just want to sleep. My first daughter was in the nicu for 2 weeks, not anywhere close to the amount yours were, but still stressful. I cannot imagine the stress you two endured for the 100+ days. You will get through this. Just talk to your wife, don't tell her to take time off, just sit down and talk, and then do the most important thing.......ready for this wisdom........all you have to do is LISTEN.

 

Now see, I wouldn't take this as an all-out kudo. You allude that you, in fact, DO do things better than her...just not all the time. I'm sure that's not what you meant to put across, but we women are analysts. We don't hear the part about it not being a competition. We don't hear that there are things we do better than you. We hear that sometimes we suck. Yeah, we're that hard on ourselves, especially when it comes to being a mother.

Let's flip it around. Men are often "The Providers" just as we are supposed to be "The Nurturers." So if you are struggling to find your way in terms of your career and/or finances and your wife is absolutely on fire in this arena, are you going to be 100% comfortable in your skin? If she frequently says, "Honey, let me pick up this tab," or "Honey, I'll pay for this vacation," or "It's FINE that I make more money than you," are you REALLY going to be ok with that? Or are you going to feel slightly inferior? Even if she says NOTHING, most men would still question their self-worth because they don't feel they are holding up their end of things. We women think that way about taking care of our children.

It's GREAT that you are such an involved and caring husband and daddy - I do mean that, but being a new mommy is such fragile ground! It's scary, foreign, and full of self-doubt - ESPECIALLY if daddy IS good at "mommy" things. It's not your fault, but it's not her fault either that she questions her own abilities...it's just human nature. Been there, done that (and still do, sometimes). And someone made a great point about having preemies like you did...we looove to blame ourselves for EVERYTHING that goes wrong concerning our children so she probably was beating herself up right from the get-go.

Even if you DO do some things better than her, leave that part out of your discussions. She knows what you exceed at. My favorite happy thought from my husband? Out of the blue, he'll just say, "You're a good momma!" No qualifiers, no buts, no elaborations...just simple and sweet and heartfelt - and often while he's just passing by me in a room. It never feels forced or obligatory and makes me feel good about myself even though there are times I feel like the lesser parent!

And this was already mentioned, but try not to push her out too much. I know that you do this with the best intentions, but it really can be construed the wrong way. Sometimes we really do just need to be left to do our "jobs." I'm usually a better, calmer mommy when DH is at work, perhaps because I am in sole control of my situation with no interference, no coaching, no questioning.

Hang in there! You guys have been through so much and you've made it!!! You are still in a really difficult phase - one that will challenge even the best marriage. So don't take it personally...just keep reminding her of her value and stay strong. You guys really will make it thru this!!!

Eve

 

WELL SAID EVE!!!!