Wish I knew why he's a bully (sorry-so long)

My twins are 20 months old now. DD was born with equilibrium issues and low muscle tone and has been in therapy for many months. She walks, but falls alot. She is getting stronger, but my DS still has a big edge on her. DS is much more agressive than DD. Seems to be a bit of anger but mostly it appears to be a you're in my way" thing. He realizes she is unstable. Last night,as he passed her, he put his hand on her face and pushed her backward, like she was a weeble. Her head hit the kitchen floor hard, because she has limited natural reflexes to catch herself. Or he will grab her legs and pull her out of a chair so he can sit there, steal her toys, just generally bully her. As she moves to do something else, he will follow her. The weirdest thing is that she is the more outgoing of the two when in new situations, or around strangers. DS is the shy one. DD is so much happier and outgoing when DS isn't around. When they are apart, DS is constantly asking where she is, what she is doing. But, if we start to read him a story and DD comes to listen too, he gets disgusted and runs away. It is confusing. DD has a passive easy-going personality and avoids conflict completely. Usually she tries to stay out of his way, if he takes her toy, she just walks away with her head low. She rarely cries for help or puts up resistance, unless it is something she truely wants to keep/do. Then at times, when he tries to take her toy, and gets reprimanded for it, he has a hissy, DD goes over and hands him the coveted toy.We are unsure whether it is b/c she wants to make him feel better, or shut him up. We give both babies lots of attention, we conciously try to give equal time to each, yet it doesn't seem to be what is needed. Do I give DS more attention, or am I rewading the behavior. By constantly attending to him, I feel I am ignoring her. We are at a loss for explanations on why he does this. Good Grief, we can't constantly keep them seperated, nor can we afford to double up on toys, puzzles, etc.. Besides being extremely frustrated, I am confused. I do not know what DS needs, what DD needs, etc. We have talked to him, which stops things for 10 min or so, but soon as he thinks we don't notice, he's at it again. I have started isolating him in his crib for 3 minutes as a punishment, but I don't want to continue that as it colors his association of his crib. We do love our DS, dearly, he is a real sweetie to the rest of the family, but this must stop. I can not tolerate a bully, and do not want to create a victim. I would be interested in insight on DS/DD feelings, prevention of incidents, and possible discipline tactics. I am at work, & will check in as often as I can. My sincere thanks to all who reply.
This forum is a great resource for us all.

 

My twins are 20 months old now. DD was born with equilibrium issues and low muscle tone and has been in therapy for many months. She walks, but falls alot. She is getting stronger, but my DS still has a big edge on her. DS is much more agressive than DD. Seems to be a bit of anger but mostly it appears to be a you're in my way" thing. He realizes she is unstable. Last night,as he passed her, he put his hand on her face and pushed her backward, like she was a weeble. Her head hit the kitchen floor hard, because she has limited natural reflexes to catch herself. Or he will grab her legs and pull her out of a chair so he can sit there, steal her toys, just generally bully her. As she moves to do something else, he will follow her. The weirdest thing is that she is the more outgoing of the two when in new situations, or around strangers. DS is the shy one. DD is so much happier and outgoing when DS isn't around. When they are apart, DS is constantly asking where she is, what she is doing. But, if we start to read him a story and DD comes to listen too, he gets disgusted and runs away. It is confusing. DD has a passive easy-going personality and avoids conflict completely. Usually she tries to stay out of his way, if he takes her toy, she just walks away with her head low. She rarely cries for help or puts up resistance, unless it is something she truely wants to keep/do. Then at times, when he tries to take her toy, and gets reprimanded for it, he has a hissy, DD goes over and hands him the coveted toy.We are unsure whether it is b/c she wants to make him feel better, or shut him up. We give both babies lots of attention, we conciously try to give equal time to each, yet it doesn't seem to be what is needed. Do I give DS more attention, or am I rewading the behavior. By constantly attending to him, I feel I am ignoring her. We are at a loss for explanations on why he does this. Good Grief, we can't constantly keep them seperated, nor can we afford to double up on toys, puzzles, etc.. Besides being extremely frustrated, I am confused. I do not know what DS needs, what DD needs, etc. We have talked to him, which stops things for 10 min or so, but soon as he thinks we don't notice, he's at it again. I have started isolating him in his crib for 3 minutes as a punishment, but I don't want to continue that as it colors his association of his crib. We do love our DS, dearly, he is a real sweetie to the rest of the family, but this must stop. I can not tolerate a bully, and do not want to create a victim. I would be interested in insight on DS/DD feelings, prevention of incidents, and possible discipline tactics. I am at work, & will check in as often as I can. My sincere thanks to all who reply.
This forum is a great resource for us all.

 

I will be very interested in the responses you get, unfortunately, I don't have much in the way of advice. My three year old is as you describe your son and he picks on his sisters.

Goodluck!
Reagan

 

I don't know if I have a lot of advice, but my situation is somewhat similar. Bea isn't quite as aggressive as your DS, but she can be bully. Bea is the smaller one, but has been on track or early with milestones. Ainsley has low tone and spent a couple weeks in the NICU. She is not quite walking, still cruising right now. Bea will sometimes push Ainsley if Ainsley is standing or sitting where she wants to be. Bea has "claimed" a spot in front of the sliding glass door and will pull or push Ainsley away from it. Like your DD, she just doesn't have the physical ability to stand her ground, she goes right down. Bea will also steal toys, but this has gotten better. I'm really not sure why, I can't pinpoint anything that happened or that we have done. I did start doing time out (I do it in the PNP, she does nap there). I only do one minute. I make Bea give the toy back to Ainsley, or to me. I also try not to overly console Ainsley, as I do feel like she was becoming too much of a victim. I mean, yes I console her, but I also try to get her to move on from the incident, play with something else, etc. I really don't separate them much. Thinking about it, I do think Bea needed more attention and I have started playing more with her one on one. Ainsley has always been super clingy, and is playing on her own more.

Sorry, didn't mean to ramble. I was thinking of things as I was writing this. I posted a while ago about the issue and got some advice. Here is the thread. HTH!

 

Thanks for the advice and the link.
I have saved it as I feel I may need to refer to it often. LOL!
I have not been giving time outs much.
Also, I liked the linked post about speaking for each child.
It is good to know that we are not alone.
Thanks again!

 

I have the same issue and have for awhile. My Jaelynn is smaller than Austin and he is a bully to her. I think maybe its a testing thing. But also I dont feel right taking sides. I dont have much room for time out either. Im sorry I havent been much help. I will keep watching this thread also becuse I would like to see the responses. Austin has always been the bully in my house. But Jaelynn seems like the leader??? Does this make sense LOL

Megan

 

It does make sense, Sophie is Miss Fearless, extroverted and confident in new situations, and Shane is the opposite, yet, he is the bully and she the perpetual victim. It is so weird.