Why is she not participating?

I have B/G 2 year old twins. My DS is super social and active. My DD can be shy and quiet when she is around people she is not familiar with. This week, I've recieved two concerning comments from her dance teacher and her MDO (Mother's day out) teacher. I can't stop thinking about it and am very confused.
1. Her MDO teacher stated, " She made progress today, she particpated in the craft." This shocked me because at home she loves crafts. She does not talk to the teachers at school but she has always been that way. She will not say a peep to anyone she doesn't know well. At home, she is talkative, happy and active. Should I be concerned she does not particpate in crafts at school? When should I hold her responsible for following the teachers instructions such as painting her picture...etc? She likes going to school and enjoys it. She just doesn't talk and apparently she doesn't participate in the crafts.
2. Her dance teacher said she did not get a sticker because she didn't dance and only dancers get stickers. She goes to a dance class because she loves it. She dances at home and talks all about dance class. She gets excited to go to class and wants more dance class when we leave. Apparently, in class she does not dance or participate but instead does alot of observing. She will line up and follow around but won't really dance, she just stands there. Should I take her out of dance class or try to bribe her to participate? How can she love it if she is not participating? I think the teacher thinks she is being defiant.

I'm not sure if this is shy behavior, defiant behavior or attention seeking behavior. I am confused and not sure what to do. Thanks for any help and advice.

Also, at home, she is great about using her manners such as please and thank you. But if we are at a playdate and another little girl gives her bubbles, I ask her to say thank you. She will not say thank you and instead just hands the bubbles back. She doesn't get upset but just continues playing with something else. She has yet to say please and thank you to anyone except family. Why is that? Once again, is she being defiant or shy?

 

How often does she go to school and MDO? For a two year old, I don't think it is appropriate for a dance instructor to not give stickers for no dancing. If they are attentive and stay in the class without Mommy, they should get a sticker. We have our 2 year old twins in gymnastics and every kid gets a sticker that makes it through the class, with or without doing everything.

 

Honestly....I think you are expecting too much from a 2 yr old And I mean that very kindly! However, some kids are naturally outgoing, excel in different situations, but some are naturally shy or unsure around new or different people.

My oldest dd is 5 now. But up until a little over a year ago, she had real trouble adjusting in any new environment. She used to get so worked up when she was younger if we even went to our family's house for thanksgiving. She kept her pacifier much longer than my other kids because she couldn't get herself to calm down. I was hoping she would grow out of it, and she did. At age 3, she wouldn't even go out on the soccer field by herself. But now, she's growing into a confident, talkative little girl :wub:

I don't think you should take her out of MDO or dance class unless she's showing signs of anxiety about them. But if she continues to be excited to go, then I would just continue to take her, continue to talk to her about it, encourage her gently, talk to her about participating, and about how much fun it is and how she likes to do these same things at home. And one day I think you'll be getting notes home about how well she's doing

 

I think at this age classes of any kind are more about socializing them to the whole experience than about actually getting them to participate in an activity. It sounds like she's excited about what goes on there and I'd bet she just needs to work up the nerve to jump right in. I agree that talking it up, getting excited about it, practicing things at home would probably encourage her.

 

I agree with this. I don't think your DD is being defiant at all...right now she just might be shy. My DD is wonderful at home, she's so bright, articulate, funny and sweet. Get her out in public and she clams up. She really won't talk out in public but she has started to participate in activities and she's almost 4.

 

It doesn't sound to me like defiant or attention seeking behavior; it sounds like she's shy. Since she's only two, don't push... just let her participate when she wants, and observe at other times. She'll grow out of the shyness eventually. I would also talk to her MDO teacher to see if there are ways the teacher can help her engage without feeling anxious. Similarly, I'd talk to the dance teacher about stickers. Sure - the teacher wants all kids to participate, but they're two, not ten!

Encourage your daughter to use her words around other people but don't make a huge deal of it. It would be worse to make her feel bad for being shy than to let her naturally come out of it herself.

 

She goes to MDO once a week for 5 hours. She goes in without any hesitation and sings the songs she learns there at home. She goes to dance once a week for 30 minutes. She runs into dance and is super excited about it but then apparently clams up.

What should I do about her saying please and thank you to friends? She says it to us but will not say it to others. She'd rather give up the toy or treat than to say please or thank you.
Thanks again for your input. I was totally in shock when the dance teacher told me. It made me very sad.

 

My DD sounds a lot like yours. SHe isn't in any classes but is super shy when we go out. Anyone who knows her and sees the reaction a stranger gets is amazed. She also will give back a treat when prompted to say thank you. I think she feels forced to speak to someone and would rather not have the item. As long as you are sowing her proper manners at home I wouldn't worry. That will come someday. Now DS on the other hand is the oppisite. He is chatty and charming and everyone loves him. I'm not sure who's gonna give me more trouble when they are teenagers.

 

Thank you so much for posting this! I am having a similar issue but mine are just over 3 years old. One is talkative, social and participatory at preschool while the other is shy shy shy shy shy! She hasn't made any friends yet in the 4 weeks they've been attending (3 full days per week). Apparently, she either plays with her sister during recess or with no one It made me very sad to hear these things and I've been trying to figure out what's going on with her. After reading all of the feedback I'd say both of us just need to continue to support and encourage our LO's and be sure that they do not feel bad about being shy. With time, it will come

 

She's 2!!!! My 6 year olds have had 'politeness' asked of them all their lives but they STILL don't always remember to say please/thank you. Just remind her or talk about things ahead of time (Make sure you say thank you when people give you candy tonight on Halloween.)

If she is enjoying the dance classes, then keep her in them. I disagree about her not getting a sticker because she did not dance. She is obviously getting something from that and MDO because she does so much at home. She's two. I would not expect so much of her. I have one shy twin (6) and my hubby gets mad at her for acting shy around some people. Umm... getting mad is not going to change the behavior. It is just her temperment. I was shy as a child. The child should grow out of it.

 

Thanks for everyone's advice and support. I feel much better.

 

I am ready to throttle the dance teacher.. what a jerk!!! You want her to love being out with other kids at this point and if she doesn't dance.. whatever. Give her stickers you keep in the car for after please!! My daughter started preschool 2 yr program and did not talk to teacher or other kids. By 2nd half of school year she was talking at school because no one ever made her feel odd or weird for not talking.. she finally warmed up! At the Xmas pageant she sang so great but back at class was quiet. This year (age 3 1/2) at the new school she didn't talk to anyone for the first month and now she does talk to other kids but she is a quiet little girl. The same as yours with being happy and outgoing as can be at home but not warming up to strangers fast. No worries.. she is not defiant. She is just observing everything around her trying to figure out how the world works. You are doing right sending her out to do things because eventually you WILL see a change! For us it took a long time. No worries she is only 2 and some of it is her personality. Not everyone needs to be sociable immediately! Give her stickers and just tell her how great she did just going to dance. Don't point out what she isn't doing. Some things I did with my daughter were pointers of things she could say like say "Hi my name is ______" or "Want to play?" Sometimes kids need to be taught what to say because it doesn't occur to them. Keep everything positive and do not talk about her not talking to other kids. She will when she feels good.

 

I think that at 2, they don't really understand that it is manners and that it is just making them do something that they don't want to do. They are toddlers and they are in their own universe so they don't know what manners really mean. She will start to use more appropriate manners when she realizes it is from gratitude vs. habit like at home when she knows that is "what to do". Even my four year old will not say thank you to strangers or friends because she will get shy because the focus is on her and she doesn't like it too much.

 

If it's any help... my kids went to preschool twice a year for 1.5 hour last year. This Summer we signed them up for 'music' classes at the Y, and we stopped going, because they not only didn't participate, they just cried.

So.. totally normal if you ask me!!!