When would you put your foot down...

Alright, I know some of you are dying to dress your twins alike, but in my family there are several twins and I prefer not to dress these two boys alike. I think coordinating stuff is really cute, esp. in pictures, but if I coordinate the twins for a picture I will have DS coordinating as well so it is not just a "twin thing." DS actually has several things that would coordinate (because if I find a great deal I buy it in each color) and I plan on doing that some and not matching other times.

Anyway, enough rambling and more to the point: I have made it clear to family that we prefer only a few coordinating things for pics but prefer them not to wear the same outfit and not try to match them. MIL wasn't really pleased with this. Yesterday she sent 16 exactly matching outfits. I don't live close, so she won't know if they wear them at the same time or not, so I am not about to make a stink (especially since the boys won't be self-aware). If this keeps up, at some point we are going to need to make a stand. When do you guys think is the breaking point where I need to have a confrontation? I am hoping the novelty will wear off sooner than later. We have enough clothes already! I SO overshopped for my DS, so we could go without another stitch of clothing and be fine. Maybe when she sees that I haven't hung the outfits in the close together when she comes down for the birth...

 

Alright, I know some of you are dying to dress your twins alike, but in my family there are several twins and I prefer not to dress these two boys alike. I think coordinating stuff is really cute, esp. in pictures, but if I coordinate the twins for a picture I will have DS coordinating as well so it is not just a "twin thing." DS actually has several things that would coordinate (because if I find a great deal I buy it in each color) and I plan on doing that some and not matching other times.

Anyway, enough rambling and more to the point: I have made it clear to family that we prefer only a few coordinating things for pics but prefer them not to wear the same outfit and not try to match them. MIL wasn't really pleased with this. Yesterday she sent 16 exactly matching outfits. I don't live close, so she won't know if they wear them at the same time or not, so I am not about to make a stink (especially since the boys won't be self-aware). If this keeps up, at some point we are going to need to make a stand. When do you guys think is the breaking point where I need to have a confrontation? I am hoping the novelty will wear off sooner than later. We have enough clothes already! I SO overshopped for my DS, so we could go without another stitch of clothing and be fine. Maybe when she sees that I haven't hung the outfits in the close together when she comes down for the birth...

 

When she comes to see the babies, and they aren't dressed the same, she will likely ask. There's your opportunity to tell her, again, you prefer to not dress them exactly alike.
Good for you for not being rude... with the hormones surging, I would have probably said something that I would have definately regreted! ("What part of we aren't dressing them exactly alike aren't you getting???) Maybe she didn't want you to put them on them at the same time... maybe she wanted to be sure she was giving to them equally?
Good luck!
Helen

 

I am right with you on this - although I admit that I do think it's adorable sometimes when i see newborns dressed alike, I am very adament about not doing so.

My sense is that people think it's cute and don't get why you won't want to. Since she lives far away, you don't have to dress them alike, just use the outfits and different times. And if she asks why you never send pics w/them dressed the same (esp. in the outfits she bought), you can politely smile and say as the previous poster said:
'we've chosen not to dress them alike." If she pushes you, you can just ask why she is so focused on seeing them dressed identically, eps. after you've been quite clear about your (and DH, i presume) desires.

At the end of the day - they're your children. Personally, I think there are probably going to be so many issues w/identical twins (mine are, not sure if yours are), that I don't want to exacerbate any identity issues by dressing them the same.

But i completely understand your frustration - I would say that after you've been polite, if she really pushes, then have your DH have a conversation with her.

 

if she lives far away, i would return some of the outfits...

 

Here is the thing...

You have made it clear to her that you do not want matching outfits. She has chosen to disregard your wishes. Chances are, she is out shopping and buys two because she (and others will do this too) thinks it is so stinkin' cute to dress them alike.

So don't dress them alike. You are not obligated to put them in the outfits. It is a shame she is wasting her money when you have made it clear that you don't want matching outfits, but it isn't worth having a "confrontation." She got you a gift, you politely say thank you, and then you can do with it what you please (return them, wear them separately, never use them, etc.).

That is what I would do, anyways! She is trying to be generous, she just doesn't have a clue that she is offending, I am sure.

 

I'm trying to just coordinate instead.

Returning is not an option. She wants them back when I am done (said so) and also added I should save all my other things for BIL and SIL. Not only have they not mentioned having kids, they live 7 hrs away and have NOTHING to do with us. SIL used to date DH many moons ago and when she found out he was engaged (to me) she begged him to pick her instead. Anyway, with 3 kids in a 3 bdrm house she can keep dreaming on that one. I am not storing, shipping, or transporting stuff for people who can't be bothered to send their own nephew a b-day card or Christmas present. I'll save the stuff she buys, though.

It is a shame she is wasting her money, but DH always says never feel sorry for the bad choices an adult makes for themselves. Good advice.

 

Some people will never get it, especially when it comes to a MIL. If she doesnt want to go by your wishes just nicely hand her clothes she picked out back to her when she comes for the birth, just tell her you have too many clothes already and she should save her money, maybe you can ask her to buy you diapers instead. Yeah her feelings may get hurt but they are your kids, you stated your wishes and thats it. Everyone wants to buy my kids matching clothes and yes sometimes I do like them to match...pictures, holidays or just when I feel like messing with people heads LOL but I dont like my girls to match all the time, they are individuals and just because they look alike doesnt mean they need to be exactly the same. Good luck on this one

 

I'm having B/G twins so I don't have as much of a problem but things like sleepers I have about 10 of them that are the same just one blue and one pink. For the most part though since they are not the same sex I'm not going to run into the problem. My DH said as soon as we found out we were having twins said if they are the same sex we are not dressing them alike. I agree on cordinating for pics but not all the time.

 

I think when it comes to new grandparents, sometimes there is no reasoning with them. They think they know best and expect you to be grateful for whatever they decide to buy. I pretty much told my ILs and my parents to buy us gift cards so we can buy the things that we really need for the babies but my FIL insisted on buying things he wanted to buy (mainly clothes, which everyone wants to buy). It was irritating but I thanked him. It would have been pointless to fuss about it.
I agree about not dressing twins identically but I do like coordinating outfits. I think each child should be allowed to have their own personality and dressing them in identical outfits makes it hard for others to see them as an individual.

 

Three words: Choose your battles.

 

Hmm I tried posting this once before, but somehow it didn't go through.

My husband is an ID twin. So I am fortunate that MIL already knows the ins and outs of twinness. She did dress DH and BIL in matching outfits when they were small, but those were mostly outfits that others gave her. She just did it to keep the peace.

So I shouldn't get too much identical outfits from her. My family on the other hand, well this is the first set of twins ever on my mother's side. I will probably get outfits from people who have never gotten me anything for my other kids or my cousins/sisters kids. Fortunately that family is spread all over the country, so I won't really have to worry about offending anyone.

DH is very against dressing the babies the same. But I am kind of excited about the whole gettng noticed with cute twin thing We will probably have some outfits that they will wear, but I know we will give up on it by the time they are able to understand that they want to be different.

 

I never dressed mine the same, I didn't even coordinate unless it was for pictures. In the beginning, my Mom sent me all matching outfits, even though we told her we weren't going to dress them the same. I just let it go, and they never wore them at the same time...

Fast Forward now 4 years...she will buy some things the same, and mostly the same shirt on two different colors. By watching the way I dress them, she figured out what I will put them in. I don't think you need to make it a battle, she will figure it out on her own...

 

she wants the clothes BACK???? (Oh geez!) Maybe she'll get the picture when you return a good portion of it to her, unworn and unwashed with tags still on . . .

 

I understand your viewpoint- been there. I understand her too though. One thing you will come to realize very quickly - especially when you go out in public is- twins are a fascination to MOST people! They are just unique- so when my family bought things after I specifically stated otherwise- I came to realize they are excited- it's a unique experience for them. I can't tell you how many times I have heard - it's just like playing doll house with real live babies dolls- 2- real live baby dolls or wow, twins! . . . blah blah. At first I didn't know how to handle it- I smiled and went on my way. Sometimes it gets irritating because you get tired of it.

SO, with that said- you can do what you want with the outfits- maybe to satisfy both parties- dress them alike, dress them different, coordinate, whatever works. Maybe you need to dress them alike- only take one pic and then also take other pics with them coordinated- that way - she sees you used the clothes and yet used them in other ways she didn't intend for. Best of both worlds- I know family and friends sometimes don't get it- I guess I just think at least she's showing interest and buying things (even if she does want them back ? ) because I have a friend where her significant other left her with 2 baby girls and her family were really not supportive whatsoever.

 

Good advice, everyone!

This really sucks worse, but I didn't realize it until after the fact.

DS's 3rd b-day is Sunday and I went back to the box the 16 matching ensembles came in. There were some t-shirts for DS, a pair of shorts, a pair of pants, a long sleeved shirt, and some socks. He is well stocked in clothes, as well...I let her know that he was good to go for the summer so she wouldn't waste her money on clothes in that size (if she insists on buying them, she can buy them in a size he can use). Anyway, when I went back to the box, I realized the address was written on an envelope, not a piece of paper. It contained a b-day card to my DS saying "happy b-day, I hope you don't mind me sending your brother's stuff in the same box." I think it's kind of crappy to send somebody a b-day gift and then send their siblings over twice as much stuff. His wasn't even wrapped up special or anything...just thrown in with the twin stuff. I wish she's just get stuff he enjoys. We have always provided the necessities for our kids, so I really love it when people get him toys or books HE will enjoy...not things THEY will enjoy. Also, I've noticed since the announcement of twins DS gets coordinating outfits for himself. It's like covert twin shopping disguised as DS shopping and that bothers me worse than the outright buying of matching things. It is like DS is just a placeholder and she has no idea what he really enjoys which is sad. His b-day gift was two coordinating baseball outfits, two coordinating preppy type outfits, and one winter outfit. For Christmas he got coordinating farm outfits from her and he gave them back to me as soon as he opened them and said "no mama...those are for the babies." I think he gets it and that breaks my heart.

 

People are fascinated by twins, as you will soon learn. I received many matching outfits at my shower, including 8 (yes 8) of the same exact sleeper. A lot of it I took back because they really had too many clothes in the smaller sizes.

I would prefer to coordinate them instead of dress them exactly alike, but since I was generously given so many wonderful articles of clothing at their shower I just went with what I had. Now that they are older people are buying them less and less matching and more coordinating. I honestly haven't really had to buy them any clothes, for which I am thankful. I still do occasionally buy them cute stuff I can't resist.

If you feel very strongly about them not wearing matching clothes, when it is time just give the stuff back to your MIL with the tags still on...that would definitely give her the hint.

 

First, with the matching clothes, I wouldn't worry about it. You don't have to dress them alike and, even if your MIL puts the sets together in the closet when she comes to visit, you don't have to pull them out together. If she wants to dress the boys alike while she's visiting, it's not going to scar them for life. As the boys start to show their personalities more, she'll realize that they are ENTIRELY different people and will likely lay off. This isn't a battle to worry about just yet. Things always change after the babies come and then again after they get older. You can also always tell her you want to color-code the babies for easy identification and that will automatically nix the idea of matching outfits.

As for sending birthday presents of clothes in the same box as the baby clothes, this is another one I wouldn't worry about. I definitely come from a different viewpoint about this because I've never had an only child and I'm not worried about how my 3 year old will react to the sudden appearance of two babies. My girls have always had to share so our new baby isn't going to be a huge difference. Like you, my kids have more clothes than I would ever know what to do with. I do appreciate that people buy them though (and I'm happy for them if they happen to find them on clearance ) and make every effort to have them wear everything at least once. They also have more toys than we know what to do with and I prefer practical presents like clothing so I can choose toys that I know they will enjoy and that have some sort of educational value. Since I know other people will always be buying the girls things, I wait to purchase anything until I'm sure noone else is going to buy something similar. We've bought very little for Ainsley and Sierra in the past 3 years. Your DS is only three and he shouldn't have any issue with his clothes being shipped in the same box as the babies clothes, how would he even know. Sharing is part of being a family. Again, I come from a large extended family so that would change my viewpoint as well. Your MIL should have wrapped DS's clothes but that's a different issue and one that you can easily remedy.