When to teach consequences

Hi Ladies,

Well, we no sooner hit 2 (last Thursday) than I have a fun issue for you all.

On the twins' second birthday, I surprised them by tying a butterfly shaped balloon on each of their cribs during the night so it would be there to greet them. One was pink and orange, one was green and purple. The balloons were a hit and each girl knew whose was whose. Lately, the both have been laying claim to the others things to pester each other. The balloons were no exception. Last night, when I was cooking dinner, they wanted to play outside and so I left the door open so I could hear and watch them as they played. Next thing I know, Twin B is outside with Twin A's balloon and Twin A is shouting "no, no, no." I started moving toward Twin B to get the balloon back, telling her to freeze, but it was too late -the balloon had been released into the sky.

Twin B knew immediately what she had done and ran inside. Twin A burst into tears and I scooped her up and carried her in, too. I tried singing the bye bye song ("blow a kiss jelly fish, and bye bye butterfly") to no avail. Next thing I knew, Twin B was throwing herslef against the door screaming "out" and going completely hysterical. She seemed to think that if she could just get back outside she could get it back. Twin A was in tears repeating what Twin B had done.

I know it is bad for kids if their parents step in and fix everything, and at some point they need to learn that ballons fly away. However, they are also so young. I truly believe that Twin B felt terrible about what she did, and we did talk as a family about the lesson we learned and how it's not OK to take sister's things and balloons don't go out side. But both were hearbroken. I called DH asking him to bring home a replacement for Twin A, but he went to the wrong store and he also brougt home two new, but different balloons. What's worse is that it didn't fix the problem. Twin B thought she was getting a treat and Twin A still felt short changed. So, I am off to the right store to get a new one. But I wonder. Am I enabling? So, now I come to my question: when do you teach consequences?

Thoughts?

 

So, imo, at 2, the appropriate response would have been to explain what happened, comfort them, and then replaced the balloon if you had wanted. Honestly, we don't replace because 1/2 the time once the drama is over, they are ok. I think it is ok to replace though, at that age, if you explain that the other balloon went bye bye I don't think you can attribute fault at this age because they honestly don't understand. At least mine didn't and it's now at 2.5 or so that they do.

 

At this age, I wouldn't consider it enabling, personally. They both saw the real consequences and you all talked as a family. I don't think replacing the balloons will detract from that in any way. I also have no doubt that a similar situation will arise in the future. It's part of being a toddler.

As to when to teach consequences, my daughter just started showing the ability to comprehend consequences in a systematic fashion this week (much to my surprise) at almost 26 months. And I think it's very situationally connected though and I don't think it will work in every situation yet. I'm personally not going to push it too hard until she's a tad bit older and there are less major changes going on in her life - probably around 2.5.

 

Personally, I probably wouldn't replace the balloons. Like a pp said, once the drama is over, my boys would be okay. They might talk about it off and on, but they tend to get over that initial upset with distraction and comforting.

That said, I don't think it's WRONG for you to replace the balloons. You talked about it, and it sounds like you are doing it for the right reasons, and not because you are enabling or trying to fix everything for them.

 

UPDATE: Well, it appears the lesson to be learned from the situation was for me. I went back to the store to get the replacement balloon only to find there were none left. So, I couldn't "fix" it and maybe that was best. May as well not set the precedent that Super Mommy can fix all life's ills.

The twins still talk about it daily and Twin A will say that she is sad. The other day, Twin B said she was sad, too - which broke my heart all over again. Now, we have taken to talking about how everyone was sad when the balloon went outside, and we follow up with talking about all of the great things Twin B does for her sister. It seems to be making Twin B feel better when Twin A brings the incident up. We also are making up stories about where the balloon could have gone and what it could be doing. One day, Twin A said the balloon had gone to the zoo. Today they are going to the zoo. I wonder if she will remember that thought and how that is going to go. I have warned Grandma, who is taking them, but can't wait to hear the stories tonight.

Thanks to you all for your thoughts and insights.

Best