When someone likes one twin but not the other

I have been with my BF for a little over a year (I was widowed when my boys were 8 months old). He is divorced (over 3 years now) with a 9 year old son and he's an only child.

At first his DS loved playing the part of an older kid. He would play with them equally and enjoyed being around them. We don't see him that much, maybe once every 2 months.

Starting around July of this year, his DS started to really dislike on of my boys. At first it started off as him telling him not to do things which I feel is pretty normal for an older child trying to feel more powerful. Within the last two months things have gone really downhill. He has told my DS flat out that he does not like him. He will shower my other DS with hugs and kisses in front of him. He will help and do things for one but will refuse to help the other.

The sad part is that my DS adores him. No matter how many times BF's DS ignores him or is mean to him, he just keeps coming back for more.

Neither of us does not know what set BF's DS off. BF has told me that he can hold a grudge for a very long time. When he was 3, BF's dog chewed a toy of his and to this day, he wants nothing to do with him and will constantly remind BF what the dog did to his toy and why he can't forgive him. BF has told him numerous times that he is a dog and did not know that was his toy. BF has also reminded him that my boys are much younger than he is (by 6 years) and that they don't have the same maturity level.

This weekend was pretty bad and after they left, my DS came up to me crying and when I asked what was wrong he said "BF's DS does not like me".

I have asked my BF to ask his DS why he does not like my DS which he has agreed to do. If it's something I can work on with my DS I will but if he just does not like him, there is not much we can do.

This is the first time I've had to deal with someone not liking one of my kids so I'm not sure how to handle it. I just don't know how to explain to him that there will be times when people will not like him or will like his brother and not him.

 

I would treat them as psuedosiblings. When your BF's DS comes to stay, you make the rule that he has to be nice to his psueodo-step brothers and try to get him to empathize on how it would hurt if your DS's did something like that. He doesn't have to love on both of them but he cannot actively be mean would be my rule. I think you and your BF need to discuss what kind of relationship you want the three boys to have and then work towards getting them to have it. You may also want to consider family counseling because BF's DS could be harboring some resentment.

My oldest likes Henry better than Jacob (jacob is louder and has the tantrum skills down well), however, we have told him he is not allowed to be exclusive of Jacob. When they were in the worst of it, my oldest would walk away and go off. Now, he plays with both boys but prefers to do quiet things with Jacob.

 

I kinda have that problem with my kids, all three are mine but my 13yr old son has a different father. He has a problem with one of my 4yr old dd's, they are always fighting and ds says all the time he doesnt like her and she say he is mean to her(she is a tantrum queen) they drive me nuts. Ds gets along with my other dd just fine. I dont get it!

 

I totally agree with this. It's okay if he doesnt like your son but he is not allowed to be mean and out right disrespectful (like purposely only giving hugs and being helpful to your other son). It does sound like somewhat of a behavioral issue since he has such a hard time letting things go and seems sort of angry. :hug:

 

Thank you. My BF did tell me last night that he did ask his DS why he dislikes my DS so much. First, he said that my DS is always wanting to do everything he does. For example, we were camping this weekend and he decided to make a pile of leaves. My DS jumped in and wanted to help but he wanted to do it himself. He was also watching The Simpson's on a portable dvd player and my DS was trying to watch it as well which really upset him.

My BF explained to him that my DS looks up to him and just wants to do things he does but he still does not like it.

The second reason is an ongoing problem that I am well aware of. When BF's DS (or even when it's just my boys alone), he wants to take control of his brother. He told my BF that when he's playing with his brother, DS will come up and shove him out of the way so he can play to. That upsets BF's DS a lot.

BF has told me his DS does not have a lot of friends and he has witnessed himself how other kids treat him. My gut feeling is in a way he's protecting my other DS from his brother and is angry that he is being treated that way.

The other problem is the whole "twin" thing. When we go places, people will comment about my boys and ignore him. We went camping a few weeks ago and the campground had their Halloween weekend. My boys are Thing 1 & 2 this year and they talked me into being The Cat in the Hat. People were going crazy over us. I had complete stangers wanting to take our picture. Sadly, he wore a costume that nobody knew who he was and it upset him.

This has been very hard on all of us. But now that I know what is going on, I can try to work on it.

 

Wow. That would absolutely kill me to see. I don't know that I could be around if someone was excluding one of my boys and treating him poorly. It would break my heart. Sounds to me like your boyfriend's son is old enough to know better. I would explain to him that it's unacceptable to act on his feelings towards your son. Your boys are soo young, they cannot possibly understand.

I think you have a very valid concern here and wish you the best! Keep us posted.

 

I think more than dealing with your son's hurt feelings, you and BF need to work with the nine year old boy to let him know that this isn't acceptable behavior. He's old enough to know that he's going to hurt your son's feelings. And even if he doesn't like someone, he should know how to fake it. If he doesn't, it's a good lesson to teach him because he won't always be more powerful than the people he doesn't like.

And maybe watch your son carefully around your BF's son so that you can prevent any of the "annoying" behaviors?

Gosh - the whole situation sounds difficult! Good luck...