When DH turns out to be not so "Dear'

I know that this subject is not really for this site, but I need to talk to someone. My DH has started seeing someone else. His excuse, "he needs to feel young and free again". I am devestated as i have tried to be a wife to him in the best possible way i could. My twin pregnancy went well up till 26 weeks when I was placed on bedrest and I tried not to complain. I even wore make-up most of the time. If anyone should feel trapped it's me.Apparantly its not intimate, just someone that he can share his thoughts and conversation and time with, until 3/4 am.

I feel so numb and try not to get upset ans stressed out because of my pregnancy. And now I feel that i am even being denied a proper breakdown!!!
Thanks for listening.

 

My heart goes out to you, and I feel like saying he's just an a******. But on the other hand, that'll probably not help you or the twins that much. Getting ready for twins is of course a strain on the guy, too, and though he's definitely not taking it well, he may still come around - as long as you're still willing to have him. I think you both should get counselling immediately - it must be possible to get someone to visit you at home. It's so important for you to have someone sympathetic to talk to, and he obviously needs someone to talk to, too. I hope you guys can figure it out

 

i'm so sorry that you have to deal with this...if he wants to "see" someone, tell him to "see" a therapist - this is so unfair to you and your children

 

I am so sorry you are dealing with this on top of bedrest and a twin pregnancy.
I would be very upset and I think your DH needs to understand that he is cheating on you emotionally. Why can't he find it in himself to talk to you about things? There is obviously something deeper going on with him?
I agree with PP about counseling. He should get some on his own first if he needs to talk with someone and then after the babies are born and you are off bedrest, maybe couples counseling could help.

 

..... Not sure what to say b/c I want to be gentle... I am the type of person that will absolutely not tolerate any form of cheating even the "talking" kind so I would leave, bedrest and pregnant with twins, I would leave. You need him right now and he just left you all alone to tend to yourself which isnt fair. You are carrying his babies, he should be there with you, loving you, and taking care of you and his children and you shouldnt tolerate this kind of behavior from him b/c it isnt excusable. And do you HONESTLY think that he is just talking to her until 3/4am? Deep down, I think you know the real answer.

I am not trying to stress you out even more b/c you need to focus on those babies but you also need to look into the future. If he is doing this now when you need him the most, what does the future hold for you and the babies? Sounds to me like he is incredibily selfish and if he isnt there for you, he probably wont be there for those babies either and that isnt fair to any of you.

Just my .02

 

s, I am so sorry he has done this to you. There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for his behavior. How selfish. Do you have family or friends nearby that can help you get through this? I am so sorry, what a horrible thing to have to deal with. I just want you to know, this is not your fault, you didn't deserve it and neither did these babies. We are here for you if you need to talk, I am glad that you came to us. Focus on those babies, and getting through each day, you are doing a great job!

 

you know, there absolutely IS no excuse for his behavior! it's beyond rude and selfish. what he is doing could possibly cause you to have those babies early and who knows what else! if i were you, i would try to set some boundaries. husband or not, there should be some definite lines drawn that one should never cross in a supposed sacred relationship. i am not saying don't take him back...i am just saying that you need to let him know how will and will not let him treat you...
i am very sorry that you are going through this right now. my heart breaks for you and your children! try to hang in there, mama. there are people here willing to help you out, even if it is just a virtual shoulder to cry on.

 

You can talk about any subject you like here, please do not even think twice about that!!

Soo many questions come to mind when I read your post. I know you are upset and I know it is hard to share more info but I do think more is needed to understand. You say he is seeing someone? How do you know, how did you find out? Is your info 100%? The reason I ask all of these questions is because I have been on both sides of this pic. I have spent alot of time with a guy who truly was just a friend. quote:
And do you HONESTLY think that he is just talking to her until 3/4am? Deep down, I think you know the real answer.

Yes, I could be out until 3/4am and I would just be talking with him and yes, deep down that is the real answer. It is possible and while I know you are probably thinking but I am a girl and we are talking about her husband here well the person I was with was a guy so it was still true for him that he would out until 3/4am and not doing anything he shouldn't have. (This was before I was married and he wasn't either).

On the flip side, not sure if you know but I am divorced. One day a card came in the mail for K&K's dad. The envelope was really tattered and I couldn't really tell who it was for so I looked at it. It was an I love you more than life card from his girlfriend, yup she sent it to where he was living with his wife and children. That was the last night he spent in our house as I have no understanding for cheaters.

The whole point of my stories here is that yes, it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex and not be cheating. Yes, pregnancy is a stressful time but I think we have to remember that it is for the men too. What upsets you the most about his relationship with her? Ughh, I have a million questions trying to grip my mind around where everyone is coming from but I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart (which will be especially hard with all the hormones), try to be calm and let him talk, don't interrupt at all, don't get angry just try to understand. Then try to explain to him in the same manner how learning about this makes you feel.

I think the biggest things to concentrate on to find out the facts, find out why he feels the need to have such a friend and to let him know how this makes you feel! Don't leave anything that you think he should know just because you think he should, you have to tell him exactly.

 

Oh sweetie....this is truly heartbreaking. How utterly disappointing when a grown man chooses to act like a selfish little boy. Instead of stepping up to the plate and taking on the role of provider and father, he slinks away to "feel young." It is disgusting. How can he live with himself? And what kind of woman would start a "relationship" with a man whose wife is about to have his babies!? I'm assuming he's lying to her...because heaven help the idiot who would indulge such a selfish a*#. You do not deserve this, and nor are you helpless. Do not wait for him to decide what he wants...that just gives him all the power in the relationship. Either kick him out and say, "If you aren't willing to stand by me and be loyal during one of the toughest times..then you can find another place to stay". Or, call a family member or friend to come and get you and stay with someone else. either way--to keep things the way they are is just saying to him that you will tolerate his behavior. I will be thinking of you, and praying this comes to a quick resolution for you--and that he pulls his head out of his bum soon!

Reyna

 

Firstly i wish to thank every one for being so encouraging and sympathetic. Dianne, yes I too asked all the questions before I asked him directly.
Before i fell pregnant, we did everything together, and we had mutual friends and knew each other's friends. He was not in the habit to go out at night and would rather have friends over at our house.
Then since December last year, he would go out without explanation, coming home early hours of the morning.
I moved out but he said he was sorry, well did not know about the 'friend" yet and i moved back in, we went to Europe for two weeks and it was so nice. Back home in january and it all started again. And everytime i would ask, he wouldnt answer. Then she phoned, I aksed him about her and his answer was vague. So I persisted and he told me everything. I dont want to think about the extend of their relationship, it just hurts to much. But he has been lying about her since December, he might be lying now too. I just dont know.

 

Boni, I am so sorry!! Pregnancy, especially a multiple pregnancy is a very difficult time. The last thing you need is that!!

quote:
i'm so sorry that you have to deal with this...if he wants to "see" someone, tell him to "see" a therapist - this is so unfair to you and your children


I agree with mhouse!

You can vent to us ANYTIME!!!

 

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. As soon as you can get up, kick his a** out the door!!!

 

my hope above hopes is that you make the right decision..

i had no toleration for emotional cheating..

i never knew if he did the physical stuff..

mom told me he walked girls in front of my face..

i couldnt see it.. i hope you can see it and that you believe your worth more than the crap hes putting you through..

praying for you..

m

 

I speak from experience (not divorce, but experience) when I say that Emotional Affairs are just as damaging (if not more in some cases) than Physical Affairs. I agree with Dianne though. I do think men/women can be friends; however, boundaries must be set to prevent it from going further than that - even if the attraction was not there to start with, it can develope over time.

 

Men and women can be "just friends" but right now is NOT the time for him to be making friends. (I'm not even going to consider what his rel'ship with this other person may actually be and I'm going to assume they are just friends.) I can understand he's under stress too, but if he needs to talk to someone, that someone should be you, or a therapist or clergy or a family member. More than anything, right now he needs to be focused on YOU and the babies - you should be his only priority. Maybe he needs a reminder of that. Maybe he needs to realize that "young and free" doesn't mesh well with having a role in your babies' lives. But if he can't get the point, then you need to do whatever - anything - you need to do to take care of yourself. I know that sounds daunting, but if he isn't going to be there for you, you need to find people who will.

I'm SO sorry you're going through this!!!

 

The pattern of his lying about it really disturbs me more than anything else, and since it's been going on for a while now (on and off?), it seems like you might have had a heart-to-heart with him at least once.

It seems like it might be important for you to find someone professional to talk to first. Sometimes a therapist can help you sort out what to say and how to say it in a way that leaves you feeling whole and strong - I've had too many of the heart-to-hearts that left me feeling much worse than keeping quiet. And it's your health and wholeness that matters most right now. You can't make him grow up - I wish there were magic words to make that happen! - but you can take care of yourself by finding someone to support you.

Your OB might be able to refer you to someone who could come to your home, and plenty of therapists will do phone appointments. We have a place in our area called The Women's Center of Virginia that offers good therapy on a sliding scale. I bet there's one near you, too.

 

I know what you're going through, when I was pregnant Joe would go out all night come home at 6am and than get up to go to work at 8am while I was sick. I would throw up everyday and all he would tell me is "Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger". He was such an ******* about the whole pregnancy. I remember one morning I told him that I was pretty sure that the doctor would be putting me on disability soon and he started pouting because he said he was loosing his freedom and you know what he stayed out late all night that night. He has apologised since and said he was wrong and he wants another kid and he promises that it will be different. But I'm not so sure yet. So I know what you're going through and I know everyone says this but God will only give you what you can handle, and I'm sure you're a strong person. Good Luck!!!

 

Im so sorry. There is no excuse for a married man to be hanging out all hours of the night with another woman. Its not right. Really there is NO EXCUSE.

 

I understand that people of the opposite sex can be friends, I have a lot of male friends myself. I never stay out all nite with them, nor do I hide the fact that I am friends with them from my dh. My problem is he wants to feel "young and free" which is a HUGE red flag that something else is going on there and now the fact that he had lied many times before, doesnt look good for him.

Boni, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I cant imagine how you feel right now. Like someone else said, you have to draw the line. It isnt okay that he is doing this and you need to tell him that he either stays or leaves. I am so sorry, this isnt the time for him to be doing this but it is putting these babies and you at jeopardy....

 

What a terrible thing to have to deal with at a time like this. I'm so sorry that this is happening. If he is cheating, no matter what form, he needs to leave. It's probably easier said then done, but I wish you the strength to do whatever it is you have to do.

 

quote:
Originally posted by boogerkw:
I know what you're going through, when I was pregnant Joe would go out all night come home at 6am and than get up to go to work at 8am while I was sick. I would throw up everyday and all he would tell me is "Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger". He was such an ******* about the whole pregnancy. I remember one morning I told him that I was pretty sure that the doctor would be putting me on disability soon and he started pouting because he said he was loosing his freedom and you know what he stayed out late all night that night. He has apologised since and said he was wrong and he wants another kid and he promises that it will be different. But I'm not so sure yet. So I know what you're going through and I know everyone says this but God will only give you what you can handle, and I'm sure you're a strong person. Good Luck!!!

This pretty much the same with my stbx except he ran around after I had the girls being gone all night when I needed help. I left him because of abuse behavior. Don't stand for him to do this because he will keep doing it.

 

I agree with the others who have said that there is no excuse for him being with another woman late at night. Yes it is possible for a man and woman to be "just friends" but I know from experience that this scenario is screaming of more than "just friends." My DH and I have been through heck and back in our 30+ years of marriage, including "emotional" and yes, "physical" infidelity. If your DH is choosing to spend his time with another woman, and lying to you about it on top of it, he is CHEATING. Whether it is emotional or physical, even if they are "just friends", he is CHEATING.

Time to get tough with him, tell him to shape up or ship out. You do NOT need this kind of stress at this point in your pregnancy. No one does, actually, pregnant or not. He is not upholding his marriage vows and his commitment to you. Time for some serious counseling. If he is not willing to stop seeing this person, attend counseling with you, and commit himself 100% to the future of his family, he needs to leave. He is being selfish and abusive by treating you this way.

I'm so so very sorry you're going through this. No one should have to deal with this, but it is sadly very common. And it sucks!!! Like I said, I've "been there done that" (more than once) so I know how very painful and confusing it is. Fortunately my DH and I survived, but we had to work like dogs to get through our hard times. And the trust issue is something I still battle. I pray that you can find a resolution to this that will bring you peace, whatever that resolution may be.

Big hugs to you, sweetie. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!!

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I cannot offer advice as I have NO idea what you must be feeling. I will say, as an outsider looking in, that it appears to me that his actions have very little to do with you and more to do with his own fears of becoming a father and "growing up". Men communicate in odd ways and he is obviously feeling some type of resentment or fear regarding the arrival of the children. I don't know what to say to do with that but I do urge you to know that this is not about you. You need your own confindence in yourself now more than ever - do not let him strip you of that.

Praying for you
Amy

 

Zabeta said it in her previous post. This is nothing trivial. It might really help for you to understand your feelings about this and map out a good course of action considering your situation before you talk to him. I would get some help for me and have a good plan considering all possibilities.

My husband and I almost divorced after the twins. Lots of things were said and done that still hurt to this day, but day by day, we are working on it, and I'm so glad I put the effort into trying to make it work. However, I wasn't pregnant at the time, and on bedrest, and he was willing to work it out too.

I am sending you tons of hugs and friendship and good thoughts and you will be in my prayers. Come here to us and let us know how you are.

 

wow, what a dink. I'm super sorry. How incredibly selfish. Men have no clue what this is like.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. This is NOT an excuse but I do think many men are idiots when it comes to pregnancy. They shouldn't be but they are. Mine never attended a doctors visit with me, and during my 59 days in the hospital before my twins were born, he visited a grand total of 7 times. I was very deserted and I do wonder what went on that I don't know about. Mine ended up cheating on me when the twins were 7 months old and it is still devastating, almost 2 years later.

It is a difficult decision to make but there is no right or wrong answer here. Really search your heart and make the decision that is best for you and your family. I found that individual counseling helped me. Mine would never do couples counseling but I think that would have helped as well. My prayers are with you!

 

Thank him for the sperm donation, and to kiss your babies' a$$!