What's your budget/plan for help?

I'm a stay at home mom with a 2-year-old son. He will be 2 1/2 when my boy/girl twins arrive. He does not yet go to preschool. I like having him with me. I don't feel like we have that much free money to spend on preschool also. I am open to him going 2 days a week down the road ... when I'm busier with the twins, and hope it doesn't need to be 5 days a week. My husband and I expect my mom to come stay with us for a month after the twins are born to help, and aside from that, we've only planned on budgeting $500 a month for childcare help, such as a nanny, sitter, mommy's helper, night nurse and even preschool falls in this category. I live in San Jose, CA and don't have any family around. Mom is in Louisiana.

Yesterday my pregnant with twins friends mentioned that they will have a full-time nanny starting two months before the twins arrive, that their son will likely be in preschool full-time and that they are considering a night nurse for the first six months. My husband sees all this as a luxury. I think it may be nice if you're comfortable having a stranger in your home 40 hours a week, but ... is it overkill? Their budget is somewhere between $2,500-$3,000, I would guess, as their nanny is $2,000 a month. I guess I am wondering if I am crazy to not plan on hiring help from the get-go.

What are your thoughts on this? Obviously working parents must have a nanny. But if some of you are stay at home moms, what do you think? My son is pretty good, but not potty trained and certainly defiant and willful about having to do anything he doesn't want to do. I figure by 3 that should be much better, but there will be six months or so when I have 3 under 3.

Thanks for any insight!

 

We hired no help for the twins(they were our first). Our parents are local and helped out in the first two weeks or so. We had our daughter 19 months later and survived. Schools/nannies, etc just aren't an option for us. My boys went to school at 4.5 and Annabella will as well.

Now-of course help is glorious! If we had the $$ I'd most likely have gotten it. But I don't think it's necessary. If you can afford to have a mothers helper for like 3 hours/week or something that would be great of course! And if your mom will be there for a bit, you take care of the babies-have her help with the running of the house, your son, etc. You do baby care! And you can also have some one on one time with your son and have your mom help with the twins.

Good luck! They will grow up the best of friends!

 

I don't plan to pay for help. My husband will take off whatever vacation time has has saved up, probably 2 weeks. My mom is retiring and will come down for longer, I am guessing and probably be making pretty frequent trips to stay with us a few days. We have a few friends who have offered to help I will probably ask for a meal from but we're just saving up whatever we can right now for a bigger vehicle. I am a SAHM too and my 3 yr old will not be leaving for pre-school, she is being home schooled. She'll be 4 by my due date.

 

We don't have any help - I stayed home for the first 2 months and people would come and visit and help some days. When I went back to work, I just deal with the sleeplessness - I have been back since November and most days, I don't get too tired! My DD is 5 and in school/latchkey, so we have to pay for that and also pay a sitter for the boys (we have an in-home sitter). So, the extra $$ for help is not there. My mom took them one night 2 weeks ago, otherwise, it's just me (DH works on machines all day and I would rather he be rested then risk getting hurt because he fell asleep at work). My doctor advised me to get help, but the $$ is not here and I'm also stubborn!

I say go with what you are comfortable with and what you can afford.

 

I didn't hire any help at all. My family is all local, but honestly other than having my Mom or MIL come over occasionally to help out, I was pretty much on my own. And when they came to help it was only for maybe 2-3 hours...and probably more to entertain my oldest DD who was 5.5 years old at the time. There was no way we could have afforded to hire any help when the twins came. I was teaching part-time before they were born, but once they were born I was stopping and taking time off and had no plans to go back so we knew we would be on one income.

For help I would say...take any free help you can get from friends etc that offer. You said your Mom is coming for a month to stay with you all and that is great. :good: But you will figure it out and will be able to do it on your own. :good: And I agree with the others...if you have extra money...do what you can afford and feel comfortable with.

 

This is the help we had. My MIL came up 1 week beforehand and entertained DS1 while I was on bed rest (she didn't cook, clean or do anything else). She also watched him while I was in the hospital. She then stayed another week after I got out and complained the whole time that it was too much work (her jobs were to watch my 5 year old and get dinner on the table--she had to reheat frozen meals). After that, my friends brought meals and took DS#1 once or twice a week until we got a routine established. DS1 was older so he was in preschool which helped a lot. Twins are doable, but you have to be very very organized. Before they come, start planning how you will do feedings (one person every night, every other night, per baby?) and whether or not you can get your older DS into something structured while you spend quality time with the twins. Good luck.

 

Other than the very rare babysitter until my oldest was about 11, we never paid for any outside help. When my twins were born, my oldest was 7, so she was actually quite a helper. My boys were 5 and 3. No one came and stayed with us. We lived in a little tiny house and there wasn't room for anyone else. My DH had off for 2 weeks and then my SIL's came for a couple of days and entertained the older kids. My MIL was always wonderful about helping out with my older children, and she lived 3 blocks from us. But she was dying of cancer when the twins were born, so obviously wasn't able to (she passed away when they were 5 weeks old). I can't even imagine having a nanny and being a stay at home mom. That seems really odd to me, personally. I get having a babysitter sometimes and putting your kids in preschool if that's your thing (we homeschool all the kids, so didn't do preschool)... and a night nurse is a luxury that was never in our budget but sounds heavenly with newborn twins, though since I was nursing it might have been less helpful. But if you're being a stay at home mom, why would someone need a nanny?

 

I only have twins, so my situation is different... but people take care of a toddler/preschooler and infant twins all the time. Would it be awesome to have a night nanny so you always got a full night's sleep? Sure. But then you'd have a stranger in your house, and you'd be spending tons of money. If your friends can afford $3,000 a month for childcare and want that help, good for them. But don't for a second think that it's necessary. You're going to be tired with three kids under three... but tired is OK. For me, I would not have wanted a nanny around during the days when my girls were little. I was home with them and it was great. Sharing that with a stranger that I was paying to help me would have been too weird. We did hire a nanny when I went back to work and it was fantastic. I became great friends with the woman who became our nanny and she was perfect for my kids. But even so, I wouldn't have wanted to spend all day everyday with her.

 

I think your plan sounds reasonable. :good: Some help & support goes a long way but I wouldn't want to spend a fortune on support. When my youngest arrived, we did hire a postpartum doula to help after DH went back to work. She came twice a week for 3-4 hours for four weeks. My MIL came one morning a week or would take the girls overnight. This was just right for us for the transition period. Now the girls (4.5) go to preschool 2 mornings a week & I trade play dates with a family in our neighborhood every Friday (so one week I have 5 kids for the afternoon, the next none! It's brilliant). I think that with a little creativity it's possible to get the support you need without spending a fortune.

 

While it would be lovely to have the paid help if you really really want someone else in your house and can afford it, it's far from necessary. My DH went back to work after a week and my mom/ILs helped out here and there (particularly with meals). But that was it. Just me and the twins and my 2 y 3 m old during the day until I went back to work at 8 weeks. I cannot stress enough how helpful the meals were so if I had the money, I would have put it towards food instead of a nanny/daytime help. But that's just me.

 

Meals are a wonderful thing for new moms!!! Women from church brought in dinners for 2 weeks after the girlies were born. DH could have cooked, but it was really nice that neither of us had to. There are places where you can either order prepared meals or go to the place to make them with all their ingredients, then take them home and freeze them. I agree that that might be a great use of your budget for the first little while.

 

Oh yes-MEALS! I was surviving on waffles! Lol! My dad cooked, a neighbor, a friend, his mom. Now-anytime I have a friend who has a baby, I make them dinner. I usually make three trays of stuffed shells(1 for us, one for them that week, one to freeze).

So yes, if ANYONE asks what they can do to help-DO NOT be shy! Ask for meals! It really is awesome to have!

 

I agree with all the other ladies.. a nanny would be nice, but certainly not necessary. There's lots of ways to get valuable support on a limited budget. I think your plan sounds great. Meals, housekeeping, and just getting short breaks from it all are really the challenges in those early days. Plan your resources around that. People really do want to help, so by all means plan your visits around when you need someone to fold laundry or ask someone to do a few dishes or bring over a few groceries when they come.

That being said, once you're in it, if you're feeling overwhelmed don't be afraid to hire help! I think the key to surviving those early days is flexibility and knowing when you're at your limit.

I also wanted to add: 3 has been a really challenging age for us (it may not be for you). I find that lots of structured play times, classes, play groups etc helps tame some of that defiant energy in my boys. If you don't want to go the preschool route, you might at least find some things you can sign up for with your son. You could even make that some quality one-on-one time you spend with him too. It might also be good to start now, so that there's some sort of routine and structure in place when the babies arrive, so it's not more chaos in his little world. Just a thought! I only have my twins so my whole world is chaos :laughing:

 

We did it with just DH and I and he went back to work after 2 weeks. But we only have the twins so i can't really speak to your question. i will agree.. meals were probably the biggest help!

A twin mom gave me great advice.. 'never refuse help when it is offered. If you say no they may not ask again.. so put them to work!' I am a do it myself kinda gal so it was hard for me to accept help but she was right. And it turns out friends really do want to help.. laundry, dishes, run to the store! say YES!

 

Your responses are music to my ears! Oh, thank goodness. And thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. I LOVED looking at the pics of your little ones too. So many beautiful children!

Summerfun/Amy, how were Emilie and Trevor born 10 days apart?

Thanks again. I think I will make and freeze some turkey chili this week.

 

I'm a tad late responding and I agree with a lot of the ladies, help would be nice but not required.

Marshall was able to take 4 weeks of sick leave bc I had a c-section, he could have taken 6 but we needed the extra overtime money he gets with side jobs and ATF. Having him hone that long was phenomenal! We never had any paid help but have a ton of friends here and when Marshall was working side jobs there were a few times I had to call in reinforcements, lol!

Meals are a big thing! A lot of friends brought over meals and I made a bunch of meals ( lasagna, baked ziti, chicken parmesan .... Okay so I was craving Italian! ... And froze them) stoffers actually has some really good frozen family meals too.

Being a SAHM and a single income family has its challenges, not only financially but mentally. Granted I only have the twins but after about 6 weeks I realized we needed to get into a routine to keep my sanity , typically the twins ate every 4 hours, we'd start out the morning around 5 and 545 with their bottles (I didn't tandem feed unless I had to, for me I enjoyed the one on one time with each and so did they),and then they'd go back to sleep for a couple of hours, id try to go back to sleep but that didnt always happen. Then they'd get their bath and then their bottles at 9 and 945 and they'd be up and play for a little bit, back for a nap, thats when id get my shower typically and get dressed and then they'd be back up around 1 to eat and then I'd try to take them for a walk (weather permitting) this is when they'd take a longer nap and id get bottles and laundry done and possibly catch a nap myself also. They'd usually wake up around 5 and Marshall and I would feed them, play with them some more and then change them into PJ's and I'd go to bed and Marshall would do their 9 feeding and then I'd be up at 1 to do their feeding. I took baby duty on the week days and Marshall took weekend and Holidays... Thats still what we do, but if I need his help he's always there to helo no matter what.

You're going to be tired, but I'm sure you were tired with your Singleton, just know it doesn't last forever and it gets better and they will start sleeping through the night and make it easier!

:youcandoit:

 

Hired help.....would be so nice, but we didn't have it in our budget. My dad came and helped me out in the mornings for the first month and my mom came in the afternoons once or twice a week and my sister came one afternoon a week as well. But really, it was me and the twins and my 16 month old son doing it all together. I honestly didn't even think to hire help...just did it without hesitation. My son was amazing! I constantly say that I had the best toddler!!! People always ask/asked me "how do/did you do it?" My answer...."no choice, I just did it!"

 

Also a little late to this convo but this is the help we had (my ODD is 17 mos older than my twins): My mom came a few days after twins were born and stayed for two weeks while they were in NICU, taking care of my ODD so I could be at the hospital all day. Then a good friend of mine who was unemployed at the time came for I think 10 days, a few days after my mom left. I don't remember what we did during those in between days, but both twins had just come home, so we must have had help from someone??? No idea. Our community very kindly gave a group gift that was enough for about 15 nights of night nurse, which we ended up spreading out as fri and sat nights for 7 weekends. While the sleep was very welcome and needed, I did find that half the time I would wake up when I heard the twins crying, or wouldn't be able to fall asleep because I was anxious about a stranger (she was a lovely older woman, a nurse at an OB's office who used to work in the nursery at a hospital) taking care of the babies, even though she was comepetely trustworthy. What I did need, and still have on nights DH won't be home at all, is bedtime help!! If your DH can be home then you will be fine, but my DH is often away at bedtime and it can get extremely stressful.

Other than that, my daughter had been home the whole time, and I've been on my own with all three of them. You can do it!

 

I've been keeping a list of people who have offered to help even though I'm just 12 weeks now, but when the babies come I plan to contact them and ask if they're willing to bring a meal.