This might not be an appropriate question to ask, but I need to see all twin mum's opinion (possibly maternal instinct) and what would you do if you were me. Here goes.... I'm from Singapore, and I'm not sure if its a routine check in the US, but here we do a scan of the babies neck and length in week 11 and they get to calculate the risk of the child being Down Syndrome (DS). The result wasn't what we thought. Turned out one of the twin has a 1:177 risk of being a DS, while the other is of a very low risk. Dr told us the risk of doing amnio test, but also told us the risk of miscarriage being doubled as they need to withdraw the fluid twice. Abortion is double the risk, and there is no guarantee that the low risk twin wouldn't get affected while we abort the high risk twin. Dr's advise is to go ahead with the pregnancy, bending on the chance that its less than 0.56% that our baby will be DS. I agree with the Dr, and perhaps a part of me doesn't want to kill my baby as I've been wanting child/children for years. I think twins are double blessings and we shouldn't try to play God. Hubby thinks otherwise and insist we do an amnio test (despite the risk) and go with the abortion is the test is positive! I'm crushed and although I try to pretend as if everything is alright, I really hope that hubby will understand how I feel. I can feel them growing inside me, and no matter how they turn out to be, they're my kids. Why doesn't he think the same way? What would you do if you're faced with that?
If you would not abort in the case of DS, there is no point in doing the amnio. It's still a very small chance. I tend to lean toward letting the woman--she's the one pregnant--choose in these situations, so in your case if you want to carry both babies to term, that is how I would side.
Wow- this is a tough situation. Personally I feel that it is your body and if you don't want to undergo a medical procedure- you shouldn't. However, he is the father of the babies so I do think his input matters too. Let us know what you decide. Best of luck to you- :hug99:
:hug99: to you! That is a very difficult situation you & your husband are going through ~ I had the same scan done at 12 weeks, though they told me everything looked 'fine' there was still a chance that they could be at risk since the test is not 100% & they are unable to do the same tests as with a singleton. I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know that whatever you and he decide will be the right decision. Good luck & please let us know how it goes, this is a great place for support
Please take this kindly - DH can not make you get an amnio if you don't want to and certainly not an abortion. it's your body and your choice in the end. I would agree that given your risk, it's a very slim chance there is anything wrong with your baby. If you do decide to have the amnio, go to a Perinatologist that is skilled in doing multiple amnios. The more they do, the lower the risk. I hope both of your babies are healthy.
Thats a tough situation, but it is your body and if you don't want the test done then DH should respect that. I wish you the best of luck!
Perhaps there is a third and fourth option to think about... I am NOT suggesting you do this, but you didn't mention either option and thought I should bring it up... Third option- Perhaps you could talk to your husband about putting the child if it has a disorder either one of you did not feel you could deal with up for adoption. I disagree with the ladies here, BOTH of you will be raising the child and both of you have to feel comfortable with it. There IS a market, at least in the US, for people who want children so bad they will adopt handicapped kids (this was discussed when I did genetic counseling due to my age and twins). I don't know how you would feel about splitting up the twins, but is a possibility that you can get testing done once they are born and not risk the pregnancy or the other twin. And if you don't believe in ending a child's life, although it would be hard, it might be a course of action to considered. Fourth option- Are your twins in different placentas? I am guessing they are, due to the different risks. If so (mine aren't) this is a possibility.... I did not have an amnio but I found out about it when i did go to a genetic counselor when we were considering it. With dichorionic twins, you can request an amnio done to the high risk baby ONLY. There is always some risk with an amnio but there is less risk if you only have it done to one. That said, the results will almost definitely reassure you. If not, *worst* case scenerio they could do a selective reduction. There is some risk to the other baby but you would not lose them both. I strongly urge you to come to an agreement both you and your husband can live with. Both of you will have to compromise, but this is going to be the father and you don't want to destroy your relationship with him, or be unfair to him, just as much as it is not OK for him to be unfair to you.
That is a tough situation. :hug99: I personally would never do an amnio, too many risks. But that is just me. Good luck making the decision. :hug99:
:hug99: I'm sorry you are in this situation and that you and your husband aren't seeing eye to eye on this. Personally, I wouldn't do the amnio. The chances of your little one having downs syndrome is pretty low, and there are many risks having an amnio. For me, I wouldn't abort even if the baby did have DS so there wouldn't be a reason to find out through amnio. I hope your husband starts to see your view on this and leaves this decision up to you since it is your body. :hug99: :hug99: Please keep us posted on things.
i am so sorry you are having to deal with this....my husband and i were both equally confused about it, but at least on the same page. we had decided to do the amnios and abort if the results were bad, but then i read all about the risks and also about how small of a chance it would be to have downs or other chromosomal abnormalities, and we completely turned around 180 degrees and are now not doing ANY of the testing! i've heard countless stories (some people i know personally) of women getting much worse numbers than you and being told they would have a malformed child, etc. and they have COMPLETELY HEALTHY BABIES! it's an odds and numbers game and if i was doing the blood and nuchal fold testing like you did, and if i had gotten your results, i would feel very confident in not doing the amnio. sometimes it's harder for the DH's to understand the emotional aspect of the amnios. and also if you phrase it 1 in 177, that sounds like more of a risk than saying less than 1% risk (which is what you have). if you had a less than 1% chance of losing the lottery, you'd buy a ticket for sure! it's just my opinion, so i truly hope you and your husband make a decision you both feel comfortable with! lots of luck and love! :good:
QUOTE(rubyturquoise @ Jul 9 2008, 11:09 AM) [snapback]867792[/snapback] If you would not abort in the case of DS, there is no point in doing the amnio. It's still a very small chance. I tend to lean toward letting the woman--she's the one pregnant--choose in these situations, so in your case if you want to carry both babies to term, that is how I would side. I totally agree with this.
Goodness I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. What a major disagreement to be having this late in the game. If you would not abort for DS then don't risk a miscarriage with an amnio as the PP said. Also, I could be in the minority here, but I feel as a mother that I would absolutely protect my child from any risk (amnio, abortion etc.) inside the womb the same as I would outside of the womb. I would ALWAYS choose my children's well-being over my husbands wishes if they conflicted. Yes, you both have to raise the baby(s) and be comfortable with it, but I'd do it alone in a heartbeat if that's the way it needed to be in order to protect my children. This is not an argument about abortion BTW. This is based on the fact that you said you want both babies irregardless of potential down syndrome. You are their mother and it's your job to protect them. If anything puts them at a risk that makes you uncomfortable don't do it. I'm so sorry that you are faced with this worry and that you are having conflict with DH.
QUOTE(rubyturquoise @ Jul 9 2008, 12:09 PM) [snapback]867792[/snapback] If you would not abort in the case of DS, there is no point in doing the amnio. It's still a very small chance. I tend to lean toward letting the woman--she's the one pregnant--choose in these situations, so in your case if you want to carry both babies to term, that is how I would side. perfectly said.
I didn't read all of the replies. I wanted to let you know what happened with us.. We too did the nuchal scan. Baby A was fine. Baby B had a 1 in 49 chance of having DS. That equaled out to a 2% chance of having DS. And a 98% chance all was fine. Of course as a mother, all I heard was 1 in 49 chance. We met with the counselors, etc... I decided, we I should say, not to do any further testing, unless the big u/s warranted it. It didn't necessarily give us a cut and dry answer-but what does? Anyways... We too went through a lot to get pregnant-and nothing was going to change our decision-we would have the baby no matter what. At 38 weeks I gave birth to two beautiful baby boys-and they were HEALTHY. Yes-Baby B had some minor issues-but he has a perfect clean bill of health. If I were to do it again, I don't think I would do the scan. Good luck with your decision-but I also agree-it's your body and you are the one carrying those babies. But also-you can never believe everything a Dr. says.
I agree with so many of the others - that this is a huge decision and ultimately, while dh's wishes count for something, this is your body and nobody should be forcing tests on you or Heaven-forbid, an abortion. These things will always weigh much more heavily on you than they will on your dh. I'm so very sorry that you're in this terrible position. I also agree with so many others that the risks are still pretty low of having a child with DS, where the risks of m/c with twins are actually higher than your risk of the child being born with DS. :hug99:
QUOTE(desolation_anonymous @ Jul 10 2008, 01:32 AM) [snapback]868016[/snapback] Perhaps there is a third and fourth option to think about... I am NOT suggesting you do this, but you didn't mention either option and thought I should bring it up... Third option- Perhaps you could talk to your husband about putting the child if it has a disorder either one of you did not feel you could deal with up for adoption. I disagree with the ladies here, BOTH of you will be raising the child and both of you have to feel comfortable with it. There IS a market, at least in the US, for people who want children so bad they will adopt handicapped kids (this was discussed when I did genetic counseling due to my age and twins). I don't know how you would feel about splitting up the twins, but is a possibility that you can get testing done once they are born and not risk the pregnancy or the other twin. And if you don't believe in ending a child's life, although it would be hard, it might be a course of action to considered. Fourth option- Are your twins in different placentas? I am guessing they are, due to the different risks. If so (mine aren't) this is a possibility.... I did not have an amnio but I found out about it when i did go to a genetic counselor when we were considering it. With dichorionic twins, you can request an amnio done to the high risk baby ONLY. There is always some risk with an amnio but there is less risk if you only have it done to one. That said, the results will almost definitely reassure you. If not, *worst* case scenerio they could do a selective reduction. There is some risk to the other baby but you would not lose them both. I strongly urge you to come to an agreement both you and your husband can live with. Both of you will have to compromise, but this is going to be the father and you don't want to destroy your relationship with him, or be unfair to him, just as much as it is not OK for him to be unfair to you. The babies are in different placentas, but the Dr still mentioned about the risk. I dunno why? It is true that we are both going to raise the children, and I do not wish for him to treat the 'handicapped' child differently in future. I should bring this up again soon to come up with a consensus, I'll just have to hold back my emotions and think from his point of view. As for the adoption, it would be impossible, because already as it is, there are many children with DS who are not cared for properly, and our country do not have a government agency who consolidate and care for these children. To date, it is still unclear where some of the DS children/adults are, and it is a very sad case indeed if no one cares for them. I suppose that is why hubby is worried.
QUOTE(texas beth @ Jul 10 2008, 04:45 AM) [snapback]868419[/snapback] i am so sorry you are having to deal with this....my husband and i were both equally confused about it, but at least on the same page. we had decided to do the amnios and abort if the results were bad, but then i read all about the risks and also about how small of a chance it would be to have downs or other chromosomal abnormalities, and we completely turned around 180 degrees and are now not doing ANY of the testing! i've heard countless stories (some people i know personally) of women getting much worse numbers than you and being told they would have a malformed child, etc. and they have COMPLETELY HEALTHY BABIES! it's an odds and numbers game and if i was doing the blood and nuchal fold testing like you did, and if i had gotten your results, i would feel very confident in not doing the amnio. sometimes it's harder for the DH's to understand the emotional aspect of the amnios. and also if you phrase it 1 in 177, that sounds like more of a risk than saying less than 1% risk (which is what you have). if you had a less than 1% chance of losing the lottery, you'd buy a ticket for sure! it's just my opinion, so i truly hope you and your husband make a decision you both feel comfortable with! lots of luck and love! :good: Call it maternal instinct, but I have this gut feeling that they'd both be fine. However, this is a feeling that only the woman can feel it and it is difficult to explain it to the man, he rolls his eyes whenever I say that though. :angry:
Thank you for all your views and options!! I felt much better after reading your personal choices and realised that I'm not alone in feeling that the babies are within me and it is almost an instinct to want to protect them. Yes, hubby is going to raise them too and he too has a part to say, but I suppose we should really sit down (again!) and talk it through. Neither side of our parents know about this so they can't influence us with their words (Asian parents can be very domineering!!) and thus I suppose its our call (or mine!) eventually! Thank you all, keep your opinions coming, and I'll find a chance to speak to hubby soon...... btw, in week 20, we're going for a detailed scan. Dr says they will be able to see the features of the babies and that can further determine (not confirm) if the babies has DS....Pray for us!!
Even with mono/di twins, you can do an amnio on just one of them. I had two amnioreductions (basically amnios where they take out jars of fluid) due to TTTS and all the fluid was taken out of one baby's sac. I definitely do not suggest an amnio to anyone because of the risk of miscarriage and the high stress involved but doing one amnio should be an option for you. The risk of miscarriage has actually gone down in recent years as doctors have gotten better at the procedure so make sure you get a doctor with a lot of experience. Nuchal scans often give false negatives as well so keep that in mind when making your decision. Good luck! :hug99:
I have mono/di twins and my OB performed an amnio on just the one of them two weeks ago. (We missed the deadline for the nuchal which is why I went for the amnio; I was really nervous and may not have done it had I had the nuchal and been told the twins were at low risk). I would definitely seek out a top notch, experienced OB if you go for it - knowing I was the best hands really made a difference to how I felt. I hope you can sit down and come to an agreement with your husband that works for both of you. Going against my husband's feelings in so sensitive and potentially life changing a matter would not have worked for me personally in this situation, it was very important to me we were both on the same page. I also felt a maternal instinct that the tests would come back fine and today was proved right, Thank God. So good luck, I'm thinking of you and hope you let us know how everything goes! Hugs, Molly PS: Isn't there a chance of false positives associated with nuchals? Try and get some more info on this, it may help make your decisions a little easier.
If you don't want to hear the pro-life answer to this question, please don't read. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, kwim? That said, I'm a little nervous about posting a response to your question, but here goes anyway. Most of the world nowdays disagree's with the religion aspect of a situation like this. But, I try to make important decisions based on "What would Jesus do?" That way I usually make the right choices. My thoughts are that God does NOT make mistakes and he doesn't give you anything you can't handle. DS children are very special blessings and have every right to live as the next person. I can imagine God sending down this sweet little baby to a mother, only to have it slapped back in his face, not wanted by it's mother or parents. That poor child will know it's parents didn't want it. It will feel rejected in Heaven and know it's parents ended it's life. Now, that is what *I* strongly believe. Now that you know my views, you know I'm totally against abortion. I understand that everyone is entitled to their opinon. That's their right. I hope you and your dh will be able to make the right choice for those sweet little spirits that will love you unconditionally. Hugs!!
Shoot, I wish I could edit my post again, but it's been too long. I hope I didn't sound too harsh with my opinion...I know it's probably way different than most. Another way to look at it this situation is the fact that even a healthy, normal child could end up handicapped in an accident or whatever. There are no guarantees in life, kwim? Sure, we hope the best for our children, but we can't guarantee that everything is going to be perfect and well all the time. Being a parent is NOT easy, but worth it. I'm sorry you're going through this with your dh. It doesn't sound very likely that the baby has DS...it's a very slight chance, hardly a chance at all. I do understand your concern though. KUP!
QUOTE(Molly_US @ Jul 10 2008, 01:58 PM) [snapback]869262[/snapback] I have mono/di twins and my OB performed an amnio on just the one of them two weeks ago. (We missed the deadline for the nuchal which is why I went for the amnio; I was really nervous and may not have done it had I had the nuchal and been told the twins were at low risk). I would definitely seek out a top notch, experienced OB if you go for it - knowing I was the best hands really made a difference to how I felt. I hope you can sit down and come to an agreement with your husband that works for both of you. Going against my husband's feelings in so sensitive and potentially life changing a matter would not have worked for me personally in this situation, it was very important to me we were both on the same page. I also felt a maternal instinct that the tests would come back fine and today was proved right, Thank God. So good luck, I'm thinking of you and hope you let us know how everything goes! Hugs, Molly PS: Isn't there a chance of false positives associated with nuchals? Try and get some more info on this, it may help make your decisions a little easier. Thank you! :blush:
QUOTE(Twins08 @ Jul 10 2008, 02:25 PM) [snapback]869271[/snapback] If you don't want to hear the pro-life answer to this question, please don't read. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, kwim? That said, I'm a little nervous about posting a response to your question, but here goes anyway. Most of the world nowdays disagree's with the religion aspect of a situation like this. But, I try to make important decisions based on "What would Jesus do?" That way I usually make the right choices. My thoughts are that God does NOT make mistakes and he doesn't give you anything you can't handle. DS children are very special blessings and have every right to live as the next person. I can imagine God sending down this sweet little baby to a mother, only to have it slapped back in his face, not wanted by it's mother or parents. That poor child will know it's parents didn't want it. It will feel rejected in Heaven and know it's parents ended it's life. Now, that is what *I* strongly believe. Now that you know my views, you know I'm totally against abortion. I understand that everyone is entitled to their opinon. That's their right. I hope you and your dh will be able to make the right choice for those sweet little spirits that will love you unconditionally. Hugs!! I agree and I too think no matter how the children turns out, they're blessings from God above. If abortion is ever an option, I shouldn't have gotten pregnant to begin with.
What a tough situation. I wonder why your husband is so concerned about raising a baby with Down's Syndrome? Has he ever been around a child with Downs? If you visited some children with varying degrees of Downs , would that help him be more comfortable that this is something he could handle? I agree that this is something that you and he need to discuss and agree on. Perhaps by listening to his fears, and then telling him yours, you can come to an agreement that will work for both of you?
QUOTE(muscaria10 @ Jul 9 2008, 11:05 PM) [snapback]869198[/snapback] The babies are in different placentas, but the Dr still mentioned about the risk. I dunno why? It is true that we are both going to raise the children, and I do not wish for him to treat the 'handicapped' child differently in future. I should bring this up again soon to come up with a consensus, I'll just have to hold back my emotions and think from his point of view. As for the adoption, it would be impossible, because already as it is, there are many children with DS who are not cared for properly, and our country do not have a government agency who consolidate and care for these children. To date, it is still unclear where some of the DS children/adults are, and it is a very sad case indeed if no one cares for them. I suppose that is why hubby is worried. I'm not a doctor, there is still increased risk with twins (just more if they are in the same placenta) all the way around the whole way through the pregnancy, but I don't THINK the risk is that much more if you do an amnio for just one? Perhaps you could ask what the risk is if you only do an amnio for one? I know this is a decision you and your husband will have to think long and hard about, but perhaps you could ask the doctor about what the risks are if you only do the amnio with one? What the statistics are? I was told by my doctor (although we didn't do the amnio) that although statistics say 1 out of 300 singletons have problems, it is probably more like 1 in 500- the genetic counselor told me the statitistics are with all people who have problems within a certain time after an amnio and they don't always know if it is related or not. But that is US statistics, you probably want to get statistics applicable to your country. If your doctor can give you hard numbers about statistics it may help you make a decision. I am so sorry to hear that adoption is not an option in your country (not that is what you would necessarily want to do as a back up plan, but the situation) That sounds like a very sad situation, and I am really sorry to hear it. I think the US is different- so many people waiting till later to try to have kids, some people want a child no matter what, go to other countries to adopt children, and there are strict criteria for adopting (they usually won't let people over 40 adopt) and if adopting in-country there is usually at least a two year waiting list. I am sorry that avenue of consideration is closed to you I hope you two come up with an agreeable consensus, yes, you have to be fair to him but he also has to be fair to you. It IS true that your chance of having a child that has downs (it's not like it's one in 5 or something) is still very, very small, so you might want to take that into consideration, too. You both need to come to an agreement that both of you could live with. How would both of you feel and handle a handicapped child? How would both of you feel if anything happened after the amnio, if it turns out there was a problem? How would both of you feel if anything happened after the amnio, if it turns out everyone was OK? Best of luck to you making a decision, let us know what you two decide?
I didn't want to do any of the tests, so I don't know exactly what you're going through, but maybe what I'm going through can help you. Even though my dh told me he was ok with us trying to get pregnant, once I did he seemed to change his mind. Then when he found out it was twins he really changed. Like I'm not kidding. I married the kindest most patient man I'd ever known and now he's totally high strung. And even though we have the same religious beliefs that go against abortion, he's suggested it, and said things about a miscarriage would be a relief to him. It totally freaked me out! But I hung in there, and I can see now that he's just scared and doesn't know what to do. And I've heard way to many men say that as soon as they saw their babies they felt totally different, and now they couldn't imagine life without their children. It is so hard when you disagree with someone who is so important about something that is so important. With me I just never gave up hope because even though it would have been very easy for either of us to just call it quits and leave, we're still together. And I'm glad I didn't leave because in the last few weeks we've really become closer in a way I don't think either of us would have thought could happen. These things can be hard and they can't always be resolved over night. A lot of our problems still aren't resolved. I kind of had to let it go for while and just not push at him too much, you know? But I'm willing to bet that by the time our boys are 5 yrs old he'll snap out of the denial he's buried himself in and maybe even someday admit he wouldn't know what he'd do if the kids weren't around. I guess my advice to you would be to hang in there, keep the lines of communication open with your dh, and always remember that the most rewarding things in life like marriage and having a family are also the hardest. You'll get through this. :hug99:
I'm sorry to hear that you and your dh are having a difficult time coming to a middle ground and are having to go through this. I agree with the pp that if you don't want to go through with the abortion then there is no point in doing the amnio and adding more risk. Your chance of having a baby with DS is really low and I personally wouldn't want to risk the health of both of my babies on that low of a risk. I'm sure that some of what you're facing are cultural ideals on this situation as well. I'm not familiar with a lot of your culture but I'm sure its quite different than here and that that could also be playing into your situation. I also want to add that one of my brothers have DS and he is the sweetest young man you could ever hope to meet! I know it was tough on my parents, but they stuck by him and he is such a wonderful asset to our family. He has taught many people about being more sensitive about how they treat others. I couldn't imagine my life without him and am greatful for the lessons god has given me through my brother. I hope that you and you dh both decide what's best for you and are both able to live a good life together after making your decision. I know its difficult but I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. If you're baby doesn't have DS I think that you and your dh will have learned a lot from each other and this experience and hopefully will show your that you guys can over come more than you thought together. Goodluck!
I don't have any answers as to what to do but I do want to shed some light on those tests. A lot of them are not worth the worry. As they give more false positives than actual positives. I had the triple screen done at 16 weeks only to receive a chance of 1 in 64 for DS. We were freaked to say the least. We went for a dating scan as they did not want to do the detailed scan until 18-20 weeks. At that point we found out it was twins and we thought that was the reasone for the abnormal result. So they reran the test with the twin factor and it still cam back abnromal and high risk for downs. Our twins are identical so they would both have it. Hubby and I had many sleepless nights waiting for the detailed scan 2 weeks later. It came back with 0 abnormalities and both girls looked fine. At that point the risk is the same as anyone with any pregnancy becaue just because the tests can come back normal does not mean you WON'T have a child with DS. At that point we were offered the amnio but we said no because we were at no greater risk than someone with a normal triple screen result. The risks for the amnio were higher than the risk of actually having a child with DS. We stopped thinking/worrying about it at that point. At 24 weeks we ended up having laser surgery for TTTS and the doctors had to remove over 4Litres of amniotic fluid from one of our girl's sacs. The surgery was a success and they sent in the fluid for an amnio test - they figured why not , they have the fluid and we had enough surprises with this pregnancy so why not eliminate one more. 6 weeks went by and I forgot all about it. I saw my doctors weekly and there was always something new to discuss so we all forgot about it until a week ago i remembered. I asked and it came back both are PERFECTLY HEALTHY GIRLS! I do have a friend that carries the gene for DS. She had invitro a few years ago and had 2 fraternal twin boys and one of them has DS. There were many OTHER SIGNS VIA U/S that showed it was likely one had it and she never had the amnio. I guess what I am trying to say is most of the time there are other indicators other than these stupid tests that just make most of us worry for nothing. Best of luck in whatever you and your husband decide to do. : )
QUOTE(Vivian @ Jul 11 2008, 12:51 AM) [snapback]869889[/snapback] I didn't want to do any of the tests, so I don't know exactly what you're going through, but maybe what I'm going through can help you. Even though my dh told me he was ok with us trying to get pregnant, once I did he seemed to change his mind. Then when he found out it was twins he really changed. Like I'm not kidding. I married the kindest most patient man I'd ever known and now he's totally high strung. And even though we have the same religious beliefs that go against abortion, he's suggested it, and said things about a miscarriage would be a relief to him. It totally freaked me out! But I hung in there, and I can see now that he's just scared and doesn't know what to do. And I've heard way to many men say that as soon as they saw their babies they felt totally different, and now they couldn't imagine life without their children. It is so hard when you disagree with someone who is so important about something that is so important. With me I just never gave up hope because even though it would have been very easy for either of us to just call it quits and leave, we're still together. And I'm glad I didn't leave because in the last few weeks we've really become closer in a way I don't think either of us would have thought could happen. These things can be hard and they can't always be resolved over night. A lot of our problems still aren't resolved. I kind of had to let it go for while and just not push at him too much, you know? But I'm willing to bet that by the time our boys are 5 yrs old he'll snap out of the denial he's buried himself in and maybe even someday admit he wouldn't know what he'd do if the kids weren't around. I guess my advice to you would be to hang in there, keep the lines of communication open with your dh, and always remember that the most rewarding things in life like marriage and having a family are also the hardest. You'll get through this. :hug99: I am sorry too that you hubby said that to you, I can understand the shock and sadness that sank in after that!! I suppose men would instantly think of "oh, now there's 2 more mouths to feed, can I manage?" I dunno, that's my impression of men and family planning. I think hubby is also concerned when we had twins, but he came to accept it after awhile (that's of cos, before the result of the test.) Hope your hubby will come to realise that twins are double blessings from above, and that they should be celebrated double too!!
I'll have to add that hubby does have his reasons to be worried - my sister gave birth to a DS when she was 27, one year younger than I am now. Dr could not find any reason why she should give birth to one, with no family history on both side, young age, etc. My nephew is having several health problem, including kidney failure and I suppose that sort of frightened my hubby alot. Having said that, my nephew is the sweetest, most loving, gentle and polite boy I've ever seen in my entire life (esp when compared to other 6 nieces and nephews). I have also worked with DS kids and adult as a volunteer, and I know that they can be trained to be as independent as possible. It all depends on the parents, end of the day, if they wish to just leave the kid as it is, or try hard to train and develop them to their fullest capacity. I'm not saying all these feeling that my kids will be DS, but one way, to give my hubby justice that he's got his reason to be worried, and that we're not "oblivious" to what DS is. Having said all these, end of the day, I only pray for the safety of my children (maternal instinct again?) Aren't mothers the most noble person on earth!? :blush:
QUOTE(WildBlueBerry @ Jul 10 2008, 04:41 AM) [snapback]869299[/snapback] What a tough situation. I wonder why your husband is so concerned about raising a baby with Down's Syndrome? Has he ever been around a child with Downs? If you visited some children with varying degrees of Downs , would that help him be more comfortable that this is something he could handle? I agree that this is something that you and he need to discuss and agree on. Perhaps by listening to his fears, and then telling him yours, you can come to an agreement that will work for both of you? Sorry, tiny nitpick - it's Down Syndrome. It's named after Dr. Down who first described it medically. Down's is incorrect, and terms like "Down's baby" are generally upsetting to people with Down Syndrome and their families. Sorry, I don't want to make anyone feel bad, but that kind of bothers me when I see it. It sounds like your husband is afraid of the unknown and is having a knee-jerk reaction. Seriously, your chances are tiny. My daughter was given a 1 in 50-ish chance of having Down Syndrome and I didn't sweat it. I think if you put it into percentages for him he may calm down. Also, IMO, Down Syndrome is not that bad, there are a lot worse things that can happen.
QUOTE(Her Royal Jennyness @ Jul 11 2008, 04:19 PM) [snapback]871061[/snapback] Sorry, tiny nitpick - it's Down Syndrome. It's named after Dr. Down who first described it medically. Down's is incorrect, and terms like "Down's baby" are generally upsetting to people with Down Syndrome and their families. Sorry, I don't want to make anyone feel bad, but that kind of bothers me when I see it. It sounds like your husband is afraid of the unknown and is having a knee-jerk reaction. Seriously, your chances are tiny. My daughter was given a 1 in 50-ish chance of having Down Syndrome and I didn't sweat it. I think if you put it into percentages for him he may calm down. Also, IMO, Down Syndrome is not that bad, there are a lot worse things that can happen. Thank you for the correction - I'm sure we all learnt something Updates - Hubby seem to have came to some 'realization' that he'll accept the chances of one twin having a higher risk of DS, and has stopped telling people around us that he wants more babies after the twins. He use to say that cos he's so sure he will not keep the baby once its cfm to be DS, but now, he tell people that we'll stop at 2!! I suppose that's a good start?? :blush:
QUOTE(muscaria10 @ Jul 11 2008, 01:45 AM) [snapback]871050[/snapback] I'll have to add that hubby does have his reasons to be worried - my sister gave birth to a DS when she was 27, one year younger than I am now. Dr could not find any reason why she should give birth to one, with no family history on both side, young age, etc. My nephew is having several health problem, including kidney failure and I suppose that sort of frightened my hubby alot. Having said that, my nephew is the sweetest, most loving, gentle and polite boy I've ever seen in my entire life (esp when compared to other 6 nieces and nephews). I have also worked with DS kids and adult as a volunteer, and I know that they can be trained to be as independent as possible. It all depends on the parents, end of the day, if they wish to just leave the kid as it is, or try hard to train and develop them to their fullest capacity. I'm not saying all these feeling that my kids will be DS, but one way, to give my hubby justice that he's got his reason to be worried, and that we're not "oblivious" to what DS is. Having said all these, end of the day, I only pray for the safety of my children (maternal instinct again?) Aren't mothers the most noble person on earth!? :blush: I actually can relate to your husband's worries- my own thoughts and worries I have that would be similar (which is really selfish, I know) would be having a child that I know might have major health problems and would likely die before me or my husband. Perhaps your nephew's health problems are what are worrisome to your husband, based on what he's seen. People who feel they could deal with this I have a lot of respect for, because they are a lot more noble and selfless than me. I think it is a good thing what your husband is saying, it sounds like he is getting more attached, too. The most important thing is it sounds like he is coming to agree with your viewpoint more, so the most important thing is that you two sound like you are beginnng to be on the same page, which is the most important thing in any situation like this. I am happy for you it sounds like that is happening!
