What went wrong

I am so sure that I am no thte only one and possibly not the only poster of such a topic. But i feel so alone. My marriage is gone. I am a married single mom. My DH is more concerned with his gym routine, his business, his business meetings, his own diet and his free time than his family.
I too work a full day from 7h30 to 16h00. Get home and have to see to the girls every need till i pass out.
He went away this weekend because he "needed a break". (remember i went away for a weekend, my first,)

I did not miss him at all, it really felt like he was there. The girls did not ask for him, i managed entirely on my own, like i always do. My weekend felt no different from any other weekend. and when he returned from his parents at 21h00 on sunday night. It was an irritation having him there.

It is now 13h00 On the Monday and we have not spoken one word to each other.

What is this marriage worth??

 

I think you need to talk to him... suggest counseling. Then go from there... Sorry you're going through this.

 

:hug: I´m so sorry this is happening. I suspect you have a void growing as communication has broken down. He probably feels left out too. I say this as I´m in a similar position, though not quite as bad. As the PP has suggested, maybe counselling would be a good idea so you can talk things through. Having kids puts such a strain on a marriage, more so when there are twins. I really hope you can make things work. Hugs to you.

 

Big :hug: to you. I am sorry that you are feeling this way about your marriage. I agree with Fran to try and talk to him and suggest counseling :grouphug:

 

So sorry to hear that. I hope you can go through counselling and work things out. I definitely think a time for both of you to sit down and discuss how you are feeling is needed. Maybe his parents can watch the kids while you do this? :hug:

 

:hug: I agree that you guys need to talk and possibly go to counseling. You need to decide if the marriage is worth fixing and a counselor will help you work through that decision. :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

I'm very sorry you're having to go through this. I agree that talking to DH is crucial, to hear where he's coming from, his feeling and thoughts...he might surprise you in a good way...you never know! I can only imagine as a father he cares enough to talk to you about whatever issues might be there on behalf of your children...they DO pick up on us and our moods, and obviously the fact that their Daddy is MIA as they don't even notice his lack of being there. I hope you get some answers and you're able to move to a more positive, happier place with DH.

 

How are you holding up ? Have you had a chance to talk with him ?

 

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. :hug: I agree with everyone else about seeing a counselor. :grouphug:

 

:hug: Talk to him about how you feel and go from there.

 

:hug: Any update? Sorry this is happening. COmmunication is hard but vital! :hug:

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Are you military? I'm asking b/c the way you stated the time. If so, I know they offer counseling on base. I would highly recommend you both go and see if the marriage is worth salvaging. At least this way, you could say you honestly tried everything. I hope you can find some sort of resolution. We are here for support if you need us!

 

:hug: I hope you can gain some clarity through counseling. There is a reason that parents of multiples have a higher than average divorce rate. I'm not saying that's where you're headed; only that this twin parenting stuff can be really hard on a relationship! Ours has had its ups and downs since the boys' arrival, and despite their wonders, they can definitely add to the strain.

Big :hug: Please take good care of yourself!

 

So True! I know our marriage has certainly had some major strain and tension put on it since the twins were born. Multiples add a whole new demension to a relationship. It is very hard and stressful at times. Especially at this age (I think).

Hope you are doing O.K.! :hug:

 

Well I tried talking to him and suggested the counceling. He was totally blown over that I was having problems, because he is not having any. Duh... because he is never home.!!! The girls and I have flu (its winter in Africa) and it has been rough the last two weeks. It has changed nothing about his schedules or life style. I get the feeling that we are "nice to haves" when he needs us to be around and brag about his twins. I think we have outgrown each other and have different ideas of life now. I have gone to see a Dr. and he suggested giving him more responsibilities concerning the children. BUT i have to get him to be home first... I still love him and I know the babies are going to grow up and be more independant in the short future, I just hope that when that happens, Cristou will still be around. I am at a loss at this stage...and yes I feel so hopeless about the situation.

 

:hug: I think you need to open up and tell your DH how you´re feeling. The fact that he was surprised shows he isnt tuned in to what´s happening. I also agree with your Dr and tell your DH that you need help and for him to be more active. I´ve been through the same and am still going through similar emotions as you and it is so hard. I totally sypathise with you. However, like you I love my DH and that keeps me going strong. You can do this and you will survive this rough patch. Open up the lines of communciation and also go on holiday somewhere, just the 2 of you, even if it´s just for a short weekend to re-connect. DH & I are plannign on doing the same thing. Take care and KUP. :hug:

 

I know how you feel, I felt like I could have written your post! I feel that being alone so much has really pushed me away from wanting him around at all. I also tell people that I am a married single mom We have talked and talked and talked and at this point I don't know if I really care anymore. Hopefully it will turn around for both of us! Good luck!

 

Its really hard if he won't even acknowledge your feelings. Maybe u could speak to somebody who can advice u the best course of action to take, and maybe how u can get through to your Husband.

 

:hug: I am so sorry that he is in denial of your feelings and that you feel so hopeless. I wish I had some advice that could make this all better for you :hug:

 

You did the right thing by trying to talk to him about all this! I am sorry he didn't acknowlege how you are feeling. :hug: I agree with pp, maybe giving him more responsibilty will force him to be home more and in turn will open his eyes to what it is you do everyday! I think when I started leaving mine at home with DH (just for an hour or two) to let me run errands and what not, that is when he realized how hard it gets. I think now he appreciates me more and understands what it is I do day in and day out.

Also, if he won't go to couselling, maybe it would do some good for you to go alone for now. At least, a counsellor might be able to give you suggestions on how to deal with your DH and your loneliness.

Big :hug: to you! I hope it gets better!!

 

:hug: I am so sorry to hear this and really hope that you can reach a point where things are better, one way or another. It breaks my heart to see moms work so endlessly for their kids and feel so unfulfilled, not having support or understanding from their significant others.

 

I think women tend to care more about their marriages more than men. . . that's why there are so many more marriage books/helps marketed towards women. So don't feel alone or surprised about his not being as concerned. You are not alone. I suggest counseling also, but I will say that people going into counseling and wanting to solve the problems go to a professional who will not just listen but offer practical suggestions for coping and working towards fixing the problems. I have noted from my own experiences and observations of others that some counselors only listen. And also take any of your spiritual beliefs into consideration. . . go to a counselor who shares your values. (For example: A secular counselor will not say a person with a porn addiction has a problem whereas a spiritual counselor will address it differently. Some things that accepted as normal in "culture" may not be in keeping with your beliefs or values.)

I think men, sorry to say, are more inherently selfish than women. I know that's not always the case, but it's an observation of mine. A selfish man has to see and acknowledge the damage he's doing before he is able to make efforts to change. It's hard not to be bitter towards a man like that, but a little mercy from you may go a long way in demonstrating that you're willing to work with him.

Another thing you might consider is figuring out just what may help you get through this rough time: do you need a break? do you need dates with him? do you long for companionship or comraderie with other parents? do you feel used for convenience or abandoned? are you overwhelmed in areas like housework or just caring for the kids? Figure this out, and let him know specifically that you are having trouble with this and need resources. . . If he isn't going to help out or make himself available to "be there", let him know that you will be using resources (money and time) to pay someone to do the housework for you, to hire a babysitter more often for you, to pay for classes/social groups for you and the kids to be involved in, to pay for travel or memberships to places that you would enjoy going to, etc. Sometimes, when men realize that their presence and time is necessary to save money, well - money talks. (I've personally had to talk to my DH about this because he was so wrapped up in his work and hobbies too. Money talked.)

If it's his time you really need, I say pull out a calendar and say, "I am going to schedule this time for you to go on a date with me. It's in stone on the calendar. When are you available to watch the kids so I can run some errands without them?" Get things scheduled in concrete on a calendar with his commitment. Work with him, and tell him - "I know you like to work out at such and such time. Perhaps if you make that routine on the calendar, I can know when to expect you will not be here." That way you will be giving him some freedom to choose these things without forcing him to give up all control of his time. And you will know when to expect what.

Anyways, I hope some of this helps. I'm having to work through some issues like this with my DH right now. I've pretty much given up any life outside of the house, and I have not been away from the children for more than 2 hours at a time for the last year plus. I have had absolutely no help with housework or even babycare for the most part. I have no family nearby, and none of my friends can handle watching 5 children at once for very long. I do not recommend it for multiples mothers at all. . . it's really tough and you have to believe that what you are doing is worthwhile no matter the cost to you personally.

Don't give up on your marriage. Trials come to all of us, and it's not what happens to us in life - it's how we handle it. This is a great opportunity for personal growth for each of you. Some people give up easily on these obstacles in life instead of seeing the beauty in growing as an individual. Right now, I know it looks like it's a no-win for you, but if you and your husband are able to work through this, just think how closer you might be. And your kids will benefit from that.

Best wishes.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I see you are pregnant too, which I'm sure makes the whole situation feel even worse. You are definitely at a low point in your marriage, and many couples have been there.

Would you consider writing your husband a letter? I have found this to be helpful because conversations can get heated and misinterpreted and interrupted. Use lots of "I" statements about how you're feeling so he doesn't feel like you're blaming him for everything. And tell him how much you and the girls love and need him. I think it's good for him to know how serious you are, maybe he will wake up.

It's worth fighting for, for all of you. Take care and let us know how you're doing.

 

I don't think when I first read this post I didn't realize that you were pregnant also. I do hope that you two can work this out. Maybe you are both feeling overwhelmed by already having twins and then a new baby on the way. I would continue to keep an open line of communication because you both need each other to understand what is going and work it out. Good luck.

 

How selfish of him!!! I can understand a desire and need to get out 4 or 5 times a week for an hour to get a walk, jog, lift some weights in... and keeping yourself healthy, and on top of going to work to bring home the bacon, but WHY is he putting these things (h.i.m.s.e.l.f.) first? If he has so much on his plate, why doesn't he simplify and focus on whats more important - his marriage and his family? Sometimes we all have to make sacrafices that are a pain (what am I talking about, SOMETIMES? LOL with twins, its more often then not!). I can understand feelings stressed about work during these times because we all need money to survive, and we all wish we could have more, more health, more money, more security, etc... but garh! honey, all I can say is that if I could kick him for you, I would. I would definitely try some counseling. He needs someone on the outside to bring these things to his attention..