What to do with my 21 mo. old son....advice anyone?

Hi ladies,

I just had my twin boy/girl last week...yayy!!! And I also have a 21 mo. old ds as well. My problem is that my ds is an angel to me but can be very aggresive with my dh. Ds has been spending a lot of time with dh because I'm with the twins mostly, and my ds's behavior is stressing my husband out. My son will hit and scratch my dh and we give him punishment by using the "time out" system and telling him why he's in time out and we always explain to him and tell him that it's not nice to scratch and hit. I know he is only 21 mo. old and really can't grasp the idea yet, but I really need some advice and help with this issue. This has been going on long before the twins came too, but it's now starting to really bother my husband as he feels he has no control over our son. I see that my dh gets really aggrivated, stressed and has a depressed look on his face and with me just delivering twins I can't stand to see this as I need to stay positve and get plenty of rest myself to take care of my babies and myself.

Is there anyone that has gone through this with their toddler and dh husband?? I have this scared feeling inside that I might have to take on more duties to relieve the stress from my dh. Help?? I don't like to see him this way, and it only makes me feel worse too...

Thanks for your help!

 

Congratulations on your new babies!

I can relate to your situation and your ds's behavior. My son is almost 16 months now (so will be close to 21 months when my twins are born) ~ (and I also have a 3 1/2 year old dd), and he is exhibiting the same types of hitting and aggressive tendencies. He does it more with me than with my husband, but also toward our daughter, etc.

I've just started in the past several days with a VERY specific and VERY consistent effort to derail this behavior. We've always told him that those actions hurt us, explain about it, etc., and had recently started trying time outs, but he obviously didn't "get" it and would just climb down from the time out chair. Any attempts to force him to stay in the chair, then completely became about that struggle and lost all meaning for him I'm sure from the hitting that got him there in the first place. So...now, EVERY single time he hits, head butts, or otherwise acts aggressively, we take him and put him in his crib for his time out. On the way there, we simply repeat the words "time out" and "no hitting". I don't say anything else on the way there or while putting him into the crib.

At first I was hesitant to use his bed as a time out location, but I realized that he has a bedtime routine, dark room, nightlight, songs, etc., that make it very obvious that it is different than the time outs, so I'm no longer worried about that aspect of it. I just had to have somewhere that he couldn't get out of and that I could walk away to enforce the discipline.

I am already definitely noticing an improvement in his behavior!! I was hoping that just a week or so of cracking down calmly and consistently would do the trick, and it really does seem to be making a difference.

Best of luck! I know how frustrating (and exhausting!) it is!

 

I'm sure I'll get flack for this...but honestly we started spanking our children around 18 months. I try as much as possible to base my spanking routine like it's described in the book Shepherding a Child's Heart. The basic idea is that when your child behaves like this you need to verbally explain the problem to him and then spank him, always making sure the spanking is followed up with being held, calmed down and just loved on. My kids aren't perfect but they sure do know their boundaries a lot better than many kids their age...and from what I've seen the general trend with the "out of control" kids I've seen is that they don't get spanked...only time outs.. Personally, I just don't think time outs will work with every kid. Now I know some people will say "Oh my gosh, how can you teach a child not to hit by hitting him..." Well, it's b/c I'm not "hitting" him.. I'm spanking him...there's a routine involved, it's controlled, it's explained, and it's always in one place...on their bottoms... my kids totally know the difference between hitting and spanking. When they "discipline" their baby dolls it's always called a spanking and it's always on their bottoms... when they refer to someone hitting it's always in reference to a strike, in anger, on some other part of the body. Kids are smart enough to know the difference. They have never said, "mommy hit me" in reference to a spanking. Anyway, I think it's an important thing to deal with now. I know my children are positive dumfounded when they watch our neighbor kids...3.5 and 4.5 fight their parents on the way in from outside..kicking, screaming and hitting their parents. My 4 year old has come up to me and said, "Mommy..that's not right..he needs a spanking..." And my neighbors are dumbfounded that their children aren't listening to them.... "He never listens to me." But honestly, I've watched these children for as long as I've seen my own...and their behavior started off the same as mine childrens'. The difference was that I dealt with it early on by disciplining, and my neighbors have yet to deal with it aside from simply trying to trick their kids into obedience ("you'll get a treat if we go inside." or "a spider's going to bite you if you stay out there.") or trying to avoid it altogether by never allowing their kids out of the house. It's not by chance that my children listen to me when I tell them what to do. I'm not saying they are always perfectly obediant or compliant...but I mean the majority and the big things...but I put a ton of work into teaching them the importance of listening to what I say and respecting my authority over them as a parent. Kids will respect that...the key is consistancy... it's exhausting but you have to be determined to outlast your child. As soon as you start caving before they do then they've won the day on that issue. And once on that might not hurt...but repeatedly losing is going to be reflected big time down the road. My dd was 20 months when my twins were born, so I'm familiar with those dynamics. Your ds does need extra attention now, but just lavishing attention won't solve bad behavior issues...in fact with my dd I noticed that the more I heaped on attention without dealing with the discipline issues the worse her behavior got. Almost like she thought the reason I was spending extra time with her was b/c of her bad behavior. Kids are REALLY smart!!

 

Shepherding a Child's Heart recommends it at 18 months old? There has to be a better way.

It must be SUCH a hard transition for a 21 month old with twins, and on top of that spanking. Even in a world where there was a place for spanking, it couldn't possibly be in your situation. Keep with the time outs, and I hope this phase passes soon. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice, hopefully some other people will.

 

I also would use time outs but sparingly, as he is still pretty young to connect consequences. yes say "no hitting biting pushing" whatever he is doing or say " it is not nice to blank, Mommy/ Daddy does not like when you scratch, move yourself away from him, then redirect him to doing something else. (you need to play with your toy, clean up time take a nap now ) and do not make it a choice. Give him 3xs to "get it" and then go to timeout. and be consistent. If he is throwing tantrums then put him in a safe place and let him finish, then talk to him about it. It is also imprtant to validate his emotions and start giving him words to express himself with too, like I am mad, I am sad, I am frustrated. A beginner book about feelings might help him, there are board books with children making faces about different feelings. The only other suggestion is give him something that he CAN take his frustrations out on like a specific pillow.

I hope you are able to help your DH and son work through this I know it is very frustrating and nerve-wracking especially with the added stress of caring for newborns.

Alyson

 

QUOTE(stacyann_1 @ Oct 14 2007, 09:13 PM) [snapback]450359[/snapback]
Shepherding a Child's Heart recommends it at 18 months old? There has to be a better way.

It must be SUCH a hard transition for a 21 month old with twins, and on top of that spanking. Even in a world where there was a place for spanking, it couldn't possibly be in your situation. Keep with the time outs, and I hope this phase passes soon. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice, hopefully some other people will.


I honestly think you need to do whats best for you...Im sure there is a better way for you, but its not always the better way for everyone esle. It is a hard transistion, but from what the OP says, he has been doing this since before the twins came.

Because of the age hes at, he obviously has a prefference to you, and cannot exhibit, or show why. Dh getting frustrated, and depressed around him just feeds his behavior. Ds knows what hes doing, and by doing these things and getting the reaction from DH that hes getting, he knows hes getting his point across. Toddlers will always go through phases with whom they preffer. You never know, in three months the tables may turn and hes preffering DH. They change thier minds at the drop of a hat, and for reasons you and I can only guess.

As hard as it is right now, try and get DS and DH involved as much as possible in your care for the twins. I know its easier to do things by yourlsef...try and find things to all do together...I.E, if DS loves a specific cartoon, sit with him, DH, and the babies and watch it with him...etc. Babies are VERY easy to move about...get a sling, bouncy chair, etc, so you can easily put them down, and hold DS for a moment...if one of the babies crys, tell him how much his Big Brother needs him and mommy....pick up the baby, and have (teach) DS motions, like rubbing his head, and singing to him/her...make DS apart of this as MUCH as DH....if you do these things as a family, he may see you both equally and stop acting out. He needs to feel he still has a place. Also, only show DH in a positive light with DS...Since you are his primary caregiver mostly, he seems to take his cues from you. Hug DH a lot in front of DH and tell him how sad it makes daddy that you hit him. He may not get these things right away...after all his whole little universe is in a spin.

As far as spanking, I only do it under extremem conditions. If he is totally out of control, then I dont think its out of the question. I spank (only on the bottom) accompany him with a timeout. When I do this, they know I mean business and are more shocked than anything. It get thier attention, and makes them stop and think, which is hard to get a toddler to do.

Find your own ways and comforts on how to dicipline him. There are always debates on here about spanking, but try not to let people tell you its wriong or bad. Its only wronf for one person and not the other...which is why I quoted stacy ann. I think she needs to do whats best, but I also think she needs to respect others choices in dicimpine (sorry stacy). Everyone could disagree with your parenting style...but if it works for you, and your kids individual attention span and personality than, you need to do whats best for you.

Good luck with it, and Congrats on the babies!!

 

Congrats on your babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think you need to do what works for you and your family and only you can decide what that is.

Personally ,I think that at 21 months they really are understanding more than most give them credit for. I think your ds is grieving the loss of his mommy time and trying to adjust to this invasion of the little ones. If he was doing these pre-babies, it is pretty normal for these behaviors to escalate for a while. He is just testing the waters and trying to figure out when those babies are going to leave and if they don't leave, what does it mean for him. I know this is easier said than done but whatever you choose, consistency is the key. It sounds like you and dh need to have a bit of a heart to heart about what your choices are right now. I think he may feel a bit reenergized about dealing with ds when he has your support.

I do think that timeouts work but may take some time. We have started telling our little ones when they throw a fit to "stop or you will go to bed." Dd stops immediately and DS tends to push it a bit further but will usually stop at the 2nd warning. If not he usually stops very quickly when I plop him into bed and start to walk away. When he doesn't stop immediatly, it's a safe place for him to throw a little fit and get it out. Anyway, they do understand at this age.

Good luck with your decision. Hang in there!

 

QUOTE
I honestly think you need to do whats best for you


Ditto with what Mandy said.

Spankings work in our home.

 

I don't have any idea on the discipline (other than to say that time-outs don't have much effect on my 23-month-olds), but I wanted to suggest that it might help your DH to learn more about toddler behavior, and also to have some outlet for his frustrations. I can understand how hard it is, especially with newborn twins in the house and DH being primarily responsible for DS and feeling like he needs to "make him behave" so that you can take care of the twins. But so much of what he is going through is normal toddler stuff, and especially normal for a toddler who is trying to cope with two new babies in the house. No one really has "control" over their toddler -- we just have various strategies for influencing their behavior so that it is more acceptable to us.

It sounds like a lot of the problem is not DS's behavior itself, as it is DH's response to it -- getting frustrated, stressed out, feeling like he can't cope, getting angry at DS, etc. Is there someone that DH could talk to (another dad, maybe) so that he can try to keep his spirits up?

 

QUOTE(mandylouwho @ Oct 15 2007, 02:04 AM) [snapback]450432[/snapback]
As far as spanking, I only do it under extremem conditions. If he is totally out of control, then I dont think its out of the question. I spank (only on the bottom) accompany him with a timeout. When I do this, they know I mean business and are more shocked than anything. It get thier attention, and makes them stop and think, which is hard to get a toddler to do.



I swear, if you look at my previous posts.. I'm not extreme, and even though I admit I'm not pro-spanking, I'd think even if I was, there has to be the right time. Surely a toddler adjusting to 2 new babies in the house would be overwhelmed, questioning why mommy doesn't have the time for him anymore, etc.. I just can't see how in that situation, spanking would be a good thing to introduce. Kind of the same concept as you shouldn't move him to a toddler bed a week before the babies come and give one of the babies his crib.. it would just give the wrong message, you know what I mean?

Good Luck with whatever decision you make, I hope it gets easiser soon!

 

Congrats on the birth of your twins.

It's not an easy time for the family... caring for the new babies, getting a slice of attention when your ds used to get it all, no sleep for mom (and less for dad), etc.

I suggest that you try to get dh to do some of the caring for the twins when possible. Also, if dh can take ds#1 to the zoo or the park or for a walk... to do some bonding. Maybe if dh does some memorable activities with ds#1, the fun factor will help both of them.

My dh took on bath time and bed time for Noam and Sapir after Hadas was born. That helped me A LOT and 'til this day, they prefer him to do it. Now I try to join in with Hadas when dh takes Noam and Sapir to the playground or for a walk because it's often fun for all of us and Hadas doesn't want to be left out.

I think that your ds#1 needs to know that biting, scaratching, kicking, hitting, etc. are unacceptable... but your dh needs to be the one to set the rules with him and balance out the discipline with good times.

Good luck, it's not easy having to carry the burden for everyone's well-being on your shoulders.

If you think that your dh is depressed, find a way to get him to see a doctor about it. Maybe he needs some therapy or meds.

 

I did not have time to read all the replies but my DH was forced to take over with our twins during this pregnancy. They still prefer to be with me but I had DH take them to LOTS of FUN places. Perhaps your DH can take your son to do some fun things so he will come to associate daddy time with fun time. Or have DH let your son indulge in some activities that he cannot normally do - like get all messy painting or eat junk food.

Basically- we bribed our twins to play with DH and they ended up really liking it and the time with DH. I think your son needs some special attention to make him feel less displaced.... GOOD LUCK