What to do when your older child(ren) has a "favorite" baby?

Since our boys' birth, our 4-year-old has clearly had a preference for Sullivan, even before he had spent any time with them. Our guess is he liked Sullivan's name better or maybe he just liked saying Sullivan's name better, who knows? He's 4! We thought with time this "favortism" would fade - but its only gotten more obvious. If he's not sure what baby I'm holding (he usually knows) he'll ask me "Who is that?" and if I say Sullivan he immediately starts talking to him. If I say Finley, he'll say "Where's Sullivan?".

We've talked with him numerous times about the fact that he has 2 little brothers who love him very much and how just like Momma and Daddy don't only pay attention to just 1 of our 3 boys, he also has to pay attention to both brothers or they'll be sad. We've tried to handle it in a way it would make sense to a 4-year-old - clearly he has no idea that it is hurtful (or will be) to have a favorite. We don't want to put too much emphasis on it and make it a bigger deal than it is - but we also want to make sure he pays attention to both boys. Sometimes it just breaks my heart thinking that Finley will feel left out. Then I think in all reality when the babies are older - Lennon might feel left out b/c the babies might be the "closest" and it breaks my heart to think of Lennon feeling left out. Ahhh - I guess this is what happens when you go from having an only child to having three - not only does he have one brother, but he has two brothers to choose from!

Any advice/experiences from other mommas would be very much appreciated!

 

My DD1 does that, but it's on a rotating basis. The only idea I had was maybe you or your DH could take one of the twins on an errand (called and "adventure" in my household) and then there might be a better chance for the two who are left to play? If it's sometimes Sullivan who is gone, and sometimes Finley, maybe Lennon will learn to play with and show more love for FInley?

Good luck - I'm not sure that is a good idea, but it'a all I can come up with for now.

 

Like the pp, my kids "rotate" their favorites. I don't ever say anything to them about it because I think it has helped them bond more with the babies when they do everything with one baby for a while, and then switch to the other baby.

 

I'm hoping that he'll start rotating "favorites" at some point - I wouldn't mind that at all. I just worry about him seeming to always prefer Sullivan.

Thanks for the tips - the errand idea is definitely worth a try!

 

Gabe tends to favor Lily and really always has. I think it's because Bell can beat him up!

 

My daughter has always favored Abby. When they were in the NICU we weren't allowed to hold Ella a lot because of iv's and feeding tubes. I think from there she bonded with her more quickly. She also looks like her when she was a baby. Ella favors my husband's side. We have had to tell her she can't have favorites. She even secretly named one of her Webkinz after Abby.

 

I don't have older children but my friends children definitely have a favorite of the twins. My one friend, her 5 year old daughter told her, "Mom don't tell anyone, but Luke is my favorite. He smiles at me when I sing." My other friend, her sons-Sophia is their favorite.

 

Leah had a quick bond with Tyler when we brought the boys home so much that we joked that Derek will be the third wheel. Well guess who the third wheel is, Tyler. So it rotated in this house too. I like the errand idea from Emily. I would give that a try. Hopefully it will fade or shift at some point.

 

Another idea is to have Lennon do something fun with Finley (really, while Finley is present).
Maybe Finley and Lennon can go out on a errand with Dad (Dad can suddenly need Lennon's help with Finley during their outing and Lennon can help Finley with something).
Maybe Lennon can make something special for Finley and then give it to him. He could make a picture for Finley and for Sullivan nand hang them up near their cribs.

My twins are 4 and the baby is 8 months. Brynne (4 year old) LOVES it when I tell the baby what she is doing- she's asks me all the time to do this, even something small, like eating her green beans during dinner. I'll say to the baby "Can you see what Brynne is ding? She's eating her green beans. They look delicious. I know you wish you could have a bite, but you're only a baby. When you're a big girl like Brynne, then you can have green beans, too." Then I'll ask Brynne to come over and give the baby a Gerber puff and she thinks she is such a big helper. These things seem to help her connect with the baby.

 

My older two boys have their favorites.

Shawn fav is Nathan and Devin fav is Natalie. I think it is b/c Nathan looks like Shawn and Natalie looks like Devin. It has always been this way.

 

My DD had a strong preference for Ben for several months. I think it was because, when I was pregnant, and we told her that one baby would be Benjamin, we made a point of telling her, "... and we can call him Benny, just like Benny the Bull on Dora!" So, she thought that was cool... Then when the boys arrived, Benny had a narrow face and small features, like DD, and many people pointed out, "Oh, Benny looks just like Lourie!" So, she of course preferred the baby who looked like her... Then, as they got bigger, Benny became the more 'animated' baby. AJ is our watcher/thinker, but Benny has always been very reactive and physical. So, of course, DD really enjoyed making him laugh and smile.

Things started changing a couple of months ago. When the boys were about 4.5 months old, we had their pictures done at Penneys. We were surprised to see how much AJ looked like DD's 5-month portrait! So, we started making a big deal about this; pointing out how much AJ took after his sister. We also started encouraging DD to entertain AJ ... and she realized that he also laughed at her and watched her. I also make a huge deal about the boys' interest in DD, like I will tell her, "Look at the way Ben-Ben/AJ is watching you play! He's thinking, 'Wow! My sister is so much fun!'"

I think she still prefers Benny, but she doesn't talk about it like she used to. She used to say, "I only like Benny!" Now she definately likes both of them...

 

I don't know but most every child we are around...family, friends, whatever, always love all over Lucas and Dillon is left to the side. Lucas is cooed over, told he is the cutest baby in the world and so on and they tend to ignore Dillon for some reason. So no advice, wish I had some for you.

Dianna

 

I don't have any advice either. I wish that I did though. Noah favors Gracyn over Garrett. Just last night he told DH "your Garrett hit my baby Gracyn in the head with a toy." I always tell him that he should love them both the same and not act like he loves one over the other one. I just think that he likes Gracyn more because she has an outgoing personality and really makes over Noah when he comes home from school.