What should I say to my mother?

Ok, here is the problem. I am 3 months pregnant with twins. The first twins ever in my family. My mom is being kind of negative about my belly. I am showing a little, not a lot, but enough that you can tell. I am still in my pre-pregnancy jeans, though. I have gained less than two pounds. Yesterday she kept saying things like "Well, all I know is that I didn't show that quick with any of my kids" and "The most I ever gained was 18 pounds" (She weighs like, 95 pounds now) So, my response is "Yes, but you never carried twins. I should be showing. If I only gained 18 pounds, that wouldn't be good for the babies." And I've heard her whispering to family members "Can you believe she is showing already?" Not in a good way. As if I'm huge. (I only weigh 115) How can I make her understand that she is hurting my feelings? I feel like I am being judged for every pound I gain. I know she is excited about the babies, but she acts like I should be able to still be small and have two babies in my belly. Yeah, not gonna happen. How can I make her understand that it's different with twins? I only gained 20 pounds with my daughter, and even then she acted like I was a whale. What to do?

 

OMGosh! I am so sorry that she is saying all of those things to you! And you are right, you need to gain more than 18 lbs with twins! I gained 47! Bottomline is that she can say whatever she wants, YOU are in charge of growing healthy babies. I think you should tell her that it hurts you when she makes those comments. Maybe she could go with you to the doctor, and you could ask the doctor in front of her, how much weight you should gain with the twins? So sorry! :hug99: :hug99: :hug99:

 

I wonder if maybe you could print out some information about how much weight is recommended and how important it is for her. It sounds like she is pretty vain about weight -- maybe you could say something about how you hate that you have to do it, but you know you have to put on weight in order to give your babies the best chance and that it really hurts your feeings when you "hear people" saying things about it. I have always been little -- weighed 125 lbs. when I got pregnant with my 3rd and got up to 161 when I delivered my twins (who were born at 29 weeks -- have no clue how much I weighed when I got pregnant with them as their brother was only 7 weeks old and I was still carrying HIS baby weight.) I am sure I would have easily made it to 180 had I gotten to term with the twins. Most of my life my weight fluctuated between 105 and 115 lbs. I will get back there someday, but though I don't really like the extra weight (I'm about 130 now), I know it is there for a REALLY GREAT reason. I also love Becky's suggestion -- take her to a doctors appointment. They will probably yell at you about only gaining 2 lbs. -- THAT should shut her up!

 

That is so dumb of her to say stuff like that. I started showing earlier than with both of my other two. Right now I look like I am 7 months pregnant but I am really only 21 weeks. My mom makes comments sometimes also but I just blow it off. She keeps telling me how big I am going to get with two. I just want to tell her to shut up sometimes. I am actually eating healthier than I ever did with my last two pregnancies. I know that there are two little babies relying on me eating healthy.

 

Wow, I'm sorry she's saying those things. That would hurt my feelings too. I don't think a lot of people realize that with twins you have to gain weight and you most likely will show faster and be bigger. At 3 months I was already showing, it was my second pregnancy, so for you to still be in your pre-pregnancy jeans that's great. I like Becky's suggestion of having her come to the dr. with you and let her hear how much weight you should gain.

Or if you have a twin pregnancy book have her look at that, I know Dr. Luke's book said you should gain 20 lbs. by 20 weeks, you could let her read that part. Sorry, she is hurting your feelings. :hug99:

 

Goodness! First of all, do NOT take what she says to heart - AT ALL! You would only be doing yourself and your babies a disservice. I gaine a pound a week up until 24 weeks. Now, mind you, I am GIGANTIC!!! I am a hair under 5 ft tall and I now weigh 160lbs! I have never weighed more than 120(that was after the IVF treatments) But, at 29 weeks my babies were each over 3 pounds! I am a BIG MAMA and there is nothing wrong with that at all. Just take a deep breath and ignore what she says. There may be reasons why she says those things, and maybe you can ask her why she says them, but otherwise just take very good care of yourself and your babies.

I figure me and Jenny Craig will be fast friends once this is over!

Good luck.

m.

 

Wow. Sorry you are dealing with this but I can relate. My mom is very critical of me (my weight, my hair, my makeup, my clothes, my house, etc.), although she does it with great intentions.

She pulled this with me when I first got pregnant. Two things helped. I brought her maternity clothes shopping and the gals at the store were more than helpful in pointing out that I was ready for bigger clothes, even though I was only 12 weeks and gained a couple pounds at that point.

The second thing that helped is that I brought her to a doctor's appt. My OB explained everything to her, including the importance of proper weight gain. She laid off after that.

 

My mom is very fixated on weight (hers and everyone else's) She has always struggled with eating disorders, too. Thank God, I didn't inheret any of that. I like the suggestion of taking her to an appointment. Thanks.

 

Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! I can sort of relate. Before I found out I was having twins, my mom was "concerned" about my weight gain and told me I was rushing into maternity clothes. Once we found out I was carrying TWO, I felt like saying, "HA!!" She didn't make another comment after that!

If you can, let those awful comments slide right off of you. She has no idea what it's like the carry twins and how big you are supposed to get. And hey! I think you're doing great! I was 125 lbs. pre-pregnancy and had already gained 10 or 12 at your stage!

 

I'd second the idea of giving her Barbara Luke's book, because it talks about all the dire consequences of NOT gaining enough weight. It sounds like your mom has more-than-usual issues with weight, and rational arguments may not reach her, but Dr. Luke will if anyone can.

And then you can tell her what you read on the twin board about how much weight we're all gaining. I'm at 214 at 37 weeks, having started at 150. It's more than recommended, but at least one of the OB's in my practice recommended 60 lbs as a good weight to aim for. I couldn't imagine it at the time, but here I am. Thank god breastfeeding will use up some of it!

My neighbor is very proud of never gaining more than 10 lbs with any of her 5 kids (at least 30 years ago), and I just don't even want to see her, I feel so judged whenever she looks like she's feeling sorry for me! On the other hand, I feel sorry for her - how do you gain only 10 lbs without starving yourself or your babies?

 

Moms, we do have to love them right?? My mom said the same dumb things like I only gained 20 lbs with you and I lost it within the first month. She was constantly on me about what I was eating. Every time she saw me she would say "oh honey, I didn't look like that 9 months pregnant with you or your brother. Then she started making coments about my stretch marks, saying she never got any because she used so much lotion. Whatever!!! I don't think they can help themselves. Just tell her that her comments are unnecissary. I was 115 when I got pregnant and delivered at 210, she finally gave up trying to tell me how to eat. Don't worry though I have already lost almost 70lbs.

 

Honey, I know it's your mom and all but ignore her thats how moms can be sometimes. Let her know that she is hurting you though. I however am envious of you i have only gained 7 pounds in 6 months and I am eating a lot but i feel like I am moving too slow I need to gain more weight. just realize that you will have some healthy babies and you are on the right track everyones bodies are different.

 

My mom did that to me with my 1st preg. I was about 120 and showed in the 1st 2 months!! I was way slim. Well i gained 70 lbs... :blush: But i had a very healthy baby girl. Now i am PG with the twins. My mom keeps telling me that i am FAT... I have gained like 20 lbs so far! I just dont listen to her anymore. She keeps telling me that she only gained 28 lbs with her preg's too. She just doesnt understand that this is twins and all preg's are different anyhow. No matter how much weight you gain, all that matters is that the babies come out healthy. Dont listen to what people say. You will get a lot of rude comments, and not only from family...

:hug99: :hug99: Parents are fun arent they? Feel better!

 

My mom doesnt complain about the weight. She just makes sure to let me know that I am so much bigger than all the people that are due the same time as me. Difference is I am having twins. I explained that to her a couple of times and now I just ignore it. My best is when my SIL told me how fat I was getting. I thought to myslef at least my weight gain is for a reason. What was her excuse?

 

QUOTE(summerfun @ Jun 11 2007, 06:12 PM) [snapback]287955[/snapback]
Or if you have a twin pregnancy book have her look at that, I know Dr. Luke's book said you should gain 20 lbs. by 20 weeks, you could let her read that part. Sorry, she is hurting your feelings. :hug99:



If that is the case then I am way behind. I have only gained 14lbs and I am 28 wks!! However, I lost weight due to my Metaformin early on along with the nausia, then in March I had strep throat so with all of that I didn't start gaining til I was out of the first trimester. Even now, I have only hit on big gain spurt, then lost a couple, but have gained it back.

April

 

QUOTE(sara b @ Jun 11 2007, 09:57 PM) [snapback]288266[/snapback]
My mom doesnt complain about the weight. She just makes sure to let me know that I am so much bigger than all the people that are due the same time as me. Difference is I am having twins. I explained that to her a couple of times and now I just ignore it. My best is when my SIL told me how fat I was getting. I thought to myslef at least my weight gain is for a reason. What was her excuse?


Ohhhhh I hate it when people say you are fat when you are pregnant. I have actually lost quite a bit of "fat" since changing my metaformin 2 months before becoming pg. As my belly has gotten bigger, my arms and legs have gotten thinner. Not a bad trade I must say!

It urks the daylights out of me when pg women say they are fat. I know someone who is super tiny, barely ate a thing and kept calling herself "fat" when she was pg. She was alllll belly. Not something you want to hear when going through IF either.

You are not fat, you are pregnant....big difference.

April

 

QUOTE(Zabeta @ Jun 11 2007, 02:35 PM) [snapback]288071[/snapback]
My neighbor is very proud of never gaining more than 10 lbs with any of her 5 kids (at least 30 years ago), and I just don't even want to see her, I feel so judged whenever she looks like she's feeling sorry for me! On the other hand, I feel sorry for her - how do you gain only 10 lbs without starving yourself or your babies?


I also would bet that the story is UNTRUE. Lots of people make up great stories, but this one is quite unlikely to be a fact. Maybe AFTER the baby was delivered, she only weighed 10 lbs. more than she started, but with 5 lbs. of baby and 5 lbs. of amniotic fluid and 2 lbs. of placenta, she would have had to have been skeletal! Not likely she or her babies would have thrived.

 

:hug99: I am sorry!

I don't want to be mean but....Your mom has a serious problem. SHe really needs some psychological help! If she is not anorexic then she is a "dry" anorexic.

Please don't listen to her and please don't let her sick thinking influence you or get you down. I feel so sorry for her.

I agree that giving her a book may help her and you should tell her that she needs to keep her opinions to her self.

 

i'm sorry your mom is being so hurtful. I practically hungup on my dad today, when I mentioned that i need to take some belly pics this week, and he asked if i thought anyone really wanted to see them. I told him if he didn't like them to not look. I have plenty of friends and family that are far away and enjoy seeing the progress.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

people can be soooo rude.

 

I'd definitely show her some pics of pregnant twin moms. I wasn't very big but I'm a big girl to begin with.

 

Try a classic mom saying: Gee mom I respect that you are concerned about my well-being and I know that you have only the best intentions at heart but, if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.

Alyson

 

I am so sorry to hear what you're going through! I was low average in weight before pregnancy. Then I had hyperemesis and lost 20 pounds in my first 3 months. I have since gained that back, plus about 20 pounds, but that is still really low. I am now 36.5 weeks, and just today learned that my boys have only gained one pound each in the last month... they are now in about the 2nd - 4th percentiles for weights, and we are looking at early delivery because of it. It breaks my heart and I wish I could have gained more, to have more to give them. Please don't let anyone convince you that low weight gain is the way to go. I think that is a major factor in my boys being so small now, though the docs can't say 100% for sure just why this is happening. I'm only telling you this to give you an example of someone who tried her best but wasn't able to gain much... and it's no badge of honor to have low birthwight children! Please take care of yourself and don't let anyone make you feel bad for gaining weight in pregnancy, especially a TWIN pregnancy. I hope your mom comes around soon so you don't have to deal with those sorts of comments for the next 6 months. :hug99:

 

I feel for you - that's just awful :-(

Have a heart-to-heart with her at some point when you're alone, and be sure to explain how weight gain is extremely important in the first two trimesters with twins - have a look in Dr Luke's book, where she explains that the rule is a pound a week for the first 24 weeks, and be sure to show that to your mom. Once she realises that the weight you gain is absolutely essential for her grandchildren, and how she makes you feel down and inadequate, I'm sure she'll relent! Or else give her a good old fashioned hormonal blow-out if that's more your style

Best of luck!

 

Personally I wouldnt let it bother you. Your concern isnt on how much you gain or what everyone else thinks, your concern is on growing those babies big and healthy. If that takes you 100 lbs, then that is what it takes. She doesnt understand that twins = bigger belly. I weighed 115 lbs when I got pg, I was still in my pre-pg jeans until 4 months along. I delivered my girls premature at 30 weeks, but still managed to gain 60 lbs. I was HUGE, when I sat down, I couldnt even see my knees! I didnt worry about it, I know now that if I wouldnt have eaten the way I did, my girls wouldnt have been born larger for their age and probably not as healthy.

So go eat mama, and dont worry about your mother or anyone else for that matter...

 

Oh, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I would tell her it hurts you.

My MIL constantly discussed how little she gained with all her pregnancies both while I was PG and while I was shedding my baby weight. I don't know if she meant it to be cruel, but I just ignored her. I am not a petite tiny little woman like she is, and I gained what I gained and have now lost it. Plus I didn't use the cigarette and alcohol diet when I was PG. :angry:

 

Maybe you can use humor...the next time she says something reply, "Well, mom I'm going to get as big as a house so you might as well get used to it!"
Or tell her that your doctor has recommened that you gain 35 pounds at a minimum (at least this is what most pg books say about twin weight gain!!) Jeepers! I've always been small too..like around 118 or so at 5'4'' and I only gained 31 pounds for my twin pg...but I still looked huge! So even if you don't gain tons of weight that doesn't mean that you will carry small. Your mom needs to get over her own doctor's advice...many doctors back in the day only allowed their patients to gain between 15 and 20 pounds.... my poor mother didn't even know she was having twins and the doctors would yell at her for gaining too much. She would seriously fast for a few days before her appts b/c she was petrified of being yelled at for her weight. Duh!!!

 

I have to let you know that I read this post yesterday, and couldn't believe it! I can not imagine anyone being so insensitive least of all a mother! I am soooo sorry! If I were in your position I would be feeling like I wanted to say something, but I would be afraid the hurt her feelings... After letting this one sit for a few days I just keep thinking to heck with her feelings what she is doing is bad for you and your babies! These comments are exactly what is wrong with our society obsesed with weight and body shape! Imagine if you did not gain enough weight and it ended up causing health problems for your babies... I think you need to tell her that these comments are hurtful both emotionally and physically, and can only cause harm to you and your babies... If she has nothing positive to say to you then maybe she shold refrain from discussing this at all with you or anyone else... Let her know that you can hear the remarks she makes under her breath and you expect them to stop! This is absolutely maddening! I am so sorry that you are having to endure these hurtful comments! :angry:

 

Thanks for all your answers. I am going to sit her down and tell her exactly how I feel the very next time she says something awful. Thanks again!

 

I feel for you. But your mom is probably thinking about when she was pg with you. The most weight my mom gained was 17lbs with any of my sisters and only 12 lbs with my younger sister (says she was always running after me and my older sis). She tells me that the Dr's back then (over 30 yrs ago) flipped out and made you go on a diet if you gained more than 20 lbs. Maybe that's your mom's experience and what she is basing her comments on. It sounds like she needs to be educated and I like the other posters suggestion about taking her to a Dr's appt with you or getting her a book, although I think hearing it from the Dr's mouth will probably have more impact. Thank goodness my mom realizes times have changed and that the weight guidlines have increased and that twin pgs are different than singleton ones. If your mom still can't get over your weight, you are going to have to realize that this is her problem and just feel sorry for her that she is stuck in her own world and can't see that you are doing what is best for your babies.

 

I'm glad to see that you plan on telling your mother how you feel. Personally, I wouldn't have been able to hold it! in and would have told here exactly what I thouhgt of her comments! Make sure you tell her you don't want to hear it, outloud to you or wispering to a family memeber. I think if your are VERY straightfoward in that you absoultly DO NOT want to hear any weight related comments at all,she will get the picture.

The other thing that I thought is you could show her some picutres of low birthweight babies that are in the NICU. Turst me, there is nothing in the world that can compare to seeing you own tiny babies, hooked up to all kinds of machines with tubes coming out of every where.

My Dad uesd to tease me when I was pregnant with the girls that I was getting bigger overnight, and it was true! On two seperate occasions, I gained 10 lbs. in a week! I was huge, but I loved it. Afterall, I was having twins! What could be more special thatn that?

Good luck!