What is wrong with my family?!

I just don't get my family sometimes. I think most of them were expecting us to have another child. No one was expecting twins, though. And apparently they all think that we should be done having children at this point. We'll have 3 boys, my husband really wants a girl, and I just don't know yet. They've hinted that I should have my tubes tied and repeatedly told me how much work I have ahead of me, etc., etc. But a conversation on Christmas Day really took the cake. Thank God my husband didn't overhear it.

I was in the kitchen with my mom, grandmother and grandfather. We were talking about the twins and how I'm finally over the morning sickness. Then my grandmother blurted out, "After these two come, you're going to get yourself fixed, right?"

Uh, fixed? I frowned at her and snarled that "I am not a dog!"

Then my mom jumped in, "You should get your tubes tied. You don't want to have any more."

Oh, I don't, huh? Good thing they all decided that for me. So I told them I was not getting my tubes tied and that my husband and I would make a decision when the time came and I left the room.

I just don't get it. Our family is shrinking. I am an only child. My husband is technically an only child (he's the only blood decendant on his dad's side). All of the older generation is dying off (my grandmother's last remaining sibling just died this fall). What is wrong with having a large family? And, more importantly, why isn't it MY and MY HUSBAND's decision?!

 

I wouldn't let what they say weigh on your mind. If you want more children that is your own decision! You are the one that will be busy not them- just tell them you like it that way :lol:
My mom at one point in my pregnancy- when I was freaking out about possibly losing one of the twins said something along the lines of it would be for the best- ouch!
Family members just don't think sometimes...

 

Totally agree with PP. Let them talk, say what they want, but it all boils down to what you and your hubby want.

Dianna

 

I've gotten a lot of that too. I actually got it with my second son even- my FIL asked me what I was thinking when we told him we were pg. I just tell them we're hoping for triplets next time around. It usually shuts them up! We actually are done after the babies come - - mostly because I can't imagine doing bedrest like this again with 4 kids at home, but I don't ever reveal that to people it's just none of their business!! Having large families isn't popular these days or something, I don't know. We just have to enjoy ours and smile at what everyone else is missing out on I guess Try not to let it bother you Sometimes in giving what they think advice, even the people that we love the most miss the mark !

 

QUOTE(SoBlessed @ Dec 26 2007, 11:24 PM) [snapback]547152[/snapback]
I just tell them we're hoping for triplets next time around. It usually shuts them up!


Aah! There we go - that'll be my response from now on. "What do you mean? We're not done! We've got three boys, so now we need three girls!" HAHA!

 

I think some people don't understand the drive to have more than one child?

I was an only child, and my mom seems to think that's all I should want, as well. We had to do IVF to get pregnant both times, and I don't know how often my mom tried to talk me out of going through another round of fertility treatments! DH and I always wanted/planned on more than one child... since I was an only child, I did NOT want that for my own daughter! Trying for a second (or second and third) was a no-brainer for us.

Even after we did our second IVF, and transferred 2 embryos, my mom went on and on about how she hoped I wasn't going to have twins! :huh: She thinks I am absolutely nuts to be having 3 children; but DH and I have always hoped for 3 or 4. If we end up having #4, I think my mom will have a heart attack!

 

That is so none of their business! I'm sorry the conversation took that turn. :hug99:

 

Awe, I'm sorry you got some harsh comments. Sometimes the older generations can drive us nuts!!! Luckily my mom just tells everyone that her kids are "rabbits"...LOL!!! I can deal with that!

The comment that bugged me most is my grandma (who I'm NOT a huge fan of) asked me the other day what I was doing with my job and stuff after the baby was born...I told her I was gong to look for a new full-time job. She said to me, in kind of a nasty tone, "Well, I don't know who would hire someone who is married and has 3 kids to take care of." I finally got mad and told her it was illegal to ask those questions (HELLO...I'm an HR Manager..I think I would know NOT to ask someone that nor to bring it up if I were being interviewed) and told her that it sholdn't matter if you are single or if you are married with 1 or 40 kids...as long as you were dedicated to your job with good work ethic...they should hire you! I was pretty mad after that converstaion. My grandma was the SAHM b/c her husband was a farmer and all she did for 40 years was take care of the kids and deliver meals to the field! UGH!

 

At least it was your mom making those comments. I mean, on one hand, if my mom said something about us being done I could understand it...she helps us out a ton...so IF anyone had the right to comment it would be her. (I still don't think she has the right to say anything...but IF anyone had the right she would be first in line.) Anyway, I had a comment from my SIL whom we only see a handful of times during the year...who has done nothing for me and my kids. She told me it was "time to put a cork in it." I think she was ticked b/c she wanted to do vacation with us this year in the fall, and I couldn't do it b/c of having the baby in November. And initially she talked about rescheduling it for next year, but she backed out. Honestly, I think she's just "done with the baby scene" and doesn't want to be around any babies for vacation anymore. I understand her perspective, but it's totally none of her business. We aren't having our children for the convenience of others. We've rocked the family boat. she had 3 kids and we've had 4 now. There were 3 boys and 3 girls for grandkids...and horror of horrors we've made it unbalanced now. People always say dumb things. i can't tell you how many people told us we were "nuts" for having twins. As if we had a choice in it!! And if we ever have a fifth child I can guarantee people are going to pass out. sheesh.

 

Isn't it amazing how everyone else seems to know what is best for everyone except themselves? Really, I think you should just blow it off and let them think what they want .... you can't change them. Next time they bring it up, just tell them they have no place in the decision.

In fact, I did this with my mom who wanted to tell me she didn't like any of the names I picked out - for various reasons. I told her it wasn't up to her and that her opinion didn't matter to me. Yeah, she didn't like it and it hurt her feelings - but her telling me that my choices were poor choices hurt my feelings too.

I am also an only child and I've always just spoken up - and if someone were to talk to me that way, I'd tell them how it is, too. No matter who it is.

Getting off my own rant, my advice is to tell them to hush the next time they suggest something like that again.

(((HUGS)))

 

My family says the same thing, but it doesn't bother me so much because I agree with them this time. lol. What does bother me is that I have a cousin with 2 kids (18 mo. and 4 mo.) and her grandmother on her mother's side looked at me during Christmas and said to her, "Well, I hope it's not catching because YOU certainly don't need anymore!" I wanted to slap her. It made me uncomfortable and made my cousin mad too. Just feel better knowing it's not just your family.

Oh yeah, and tell them all you think you want to make it to the double digits.

 

People are so unbelieveable! I can't believe they would make those comments. It isn't any of their business! My mom has been supportive but several of my friends/family have said things like, " well now that you have a boy and a girl, I guess you are all done." Maybe I'm not done. Maybe I want more...This hasn't exactly been a picnic of a pregnancy, but I would do it all over again to get my precious children. I know it will be worth in the end.

I agree with pp. Let them say what they want, but ultimately is is your decision. If you want more kids, go for it!!

 

the stupid comments won't stop once the babies are born either. people (strangers even) always see the babies and say
"double trouble" and they just ASSUME that we are done! they say " and that's it right!" or "good 2 now you're done!"
I agree that it is NO ones business but yours and your DH! 1 child or 21 (or more if you wish!) !!!

 

Thanks for all of your replies. I do feel a little better knowing that other's families have trouble keeping their traps shut.

It's gotten to the point, though, that everything I do seems to disappoint them in some way. Before my son was born, we didn't know his gender and had made lists of boys and girls names we liked. When we first saw him, a name popped out to us that hadn't been on the list. Now here we are, over 2 years later, and I'm still getting crap from family that "you didn't even pick a name on the list!" Blah, blah, blah. Is that really that important?

I was tempted not to tell my family we're having twins. And when we found out the genders, I was even more tempted to keep that to myself. It's just not worth the aggravation to tell my family anything in advance. The name list will be secret this time. I've had enough.

 

Sorry that your family is like that to you. My cousin and his g/f had a baby in September they are both over 30 and are not married. When I found out she was pregnant I said "Now are they going to get married." I probably should not have said that but that was my reaction. Sometimes people say things and not realize that they might hurt someone elses feelings.

 

grrr family sometimes!!!! i agree with pp. none of their business! people have critisized my mom and dad, even complete strangers. my dad is a christian school teacher, they make VERY little a year. my mom stays at home, they decided that she would stay home and raise a family before they were even married. about every 2-3 years my mom gets pregnant (not anymore, she had to have a hysterectomy sp?). so all in all there are 8 of us, im the oldest at 23, and the youngest is 4. we're happy, we have alot of love, and we all know what is important in life. i want AT LEAST 4 kids of my own. and im pretty sure my siblings (old enough to know what they want) want large families. anyhow! try not to let them both you! its your family and your life.

 

QUOTE(camdensmommy @ Dec 27 2007, 03:33 AM) [snapback]547090[/snapback]
My mom at one point in my pregnancy- when I was freaking out about possibly losing one of the twins said something along the lines of it would be for the best- ouch!


:icon_eek: :nea: :blink: WOW!!! I cant even believe that someone would say that let alone your mother!!! WOW!!!!

 

It is your choice, your family is putting in their two cents but they do not decide for you how many children you have. My friends parents tried to do the same thing to her, but she still ended up having another child, and is considering more, and they love that child despite their protests. My father was less than thrilled when he first found out that I was pregnant again, mostly financial concerns, that sort of thing, but now he is a little more involved and I know by the time the babies are here he will be fine. Please don't let your family upset you this much, or dictate how you and your husband choose to live. You will regret it so much, plus as you say they are not going to be around forever, your children will be with you longer. Anyway, good luck with your situation.

 

My dad has made a similar comment on Christmas about if I was going to get fixed or not. I think it surprised him a lot when I said no. :lol Truth be told, we are done, but because of my young age I am not comfortable doing something permanent. I will likely have another Mirena inserted.


Im sorry people dont always think before they speak. :hug99:

 

I find it aggravating and inappropriate when ANYONE assumes your family is complete or assumes they get a vote in your family planning!!! We go through that also, and the twins are our only children. My mother once told me (and she didn't mean any harm by it), "Mija, please don't ever put me through that again." Um...YOU? Whatever! I tell my mom everytime she mentions it, "Mom, you don't get a vote in this." Ugh!

 

ardon: Families!!!

Ugh!!!

 

:hug99: I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. It's always hard not to feel supported by those we love and care about. We as human beings want approval from our parents, and she was so not giving you any approval for future babies. Should it be her business? No. Should she be so harsh to someone she loves? No. Good luck on these babies and any more you choose to have.

 

I agree with pp. It is none of their business. Definitely let it go in one ear and out the other. Whether you have none, one or 10 kids, what does anyone care? You're taking good care of them. I'm sorry you're hearing this from loved ones :hug99: .

 

I really think part of this criticism of older generations comes from the feminist movement. . . A lot of women that "lived" through that movement (having children, having jobs, all that) seem to think of children more as a burden rather than a blessing, I believe. Sadly in a way, these women personally bought into the whole movement and shaped their own lives around the trend of that time. It's hard for them to understand. I honestly believe some of them are jealous of our generation now too because we are "liberated" enough to really do what we want instead of letting society dictate to us what we ought to do. I think their jealousy and insecurities over their own choices control their tongue when it comes to commenting on what younger women choose to do in their own lives. I mean, they want to believe they did it the right way and for a reason that they think it's our responsibility to perpetuate, right?! So it's hard for them, I think to see many women our age choosing to live life differently.

My sister's mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law have cornered not only my sister but also her husband just so they could communicate that my sister ought not feel "chained to the home and having children". They told my brother-in-law it was cruel for him to do this to my sister! HA! It never crossed these women's minds that my sister and her husband actually WANT these children and find satisfaction and joy in raising these beautiful girls of their's! It's their personal choice, imagine that! And trust me, my sister and bro-in-law are ultra-responsible, financially, physically, spiritually, and all that for their children.

My own mother-in-law seems to think that being a stay-at-home mom, like she chose, is inferior to choosing a life of academic elitism and career-ladder climbing. She also believes that one ought to have a very organized, well-planned life. . . baby #1 exactly 5 years after marriage, baby #2 comes 3 years later, and then maybe you have a third IF you haven't had one of each gender. Some people subscribe to that way of life, and that's fine. . . but NOT everyone does it that way! (And I personally think everyone has a different life plan and shouldn't feel bound to society's rules of when to have children or not.)

I'm very fortunate to have the parents I have. As one of six daughters (no brothers), I often saw the criticism my own parents received for their choice to have a "larger than normal" family. Cruel, crass things were said, but my parents went about their business and did an excellent job raising us. I cringe at the things people are now saying to me too as I share the expecting news of #4 and #5. Some people are excited for us. Some people are jealous of us. Some people are rude to us and say crass, cruel things. My own family is the most supportive, but honestly, I'd say that 80% of the people we've told so far say things like:

"Was that planned or an accident?" (Is it any of their business!?)
"Wow, are you really both happy about this?"
"Good luck. Having twins is dangerous. You might lose one." (Thanks alot for the encouragement.)
"I guess you're done now?"
"Whose fault is this?"
"Were you drunk?"
"Were you taking fertility drugs?"
"Did you really mean to have this many kids?"
"You're going to be poor."
"There goes your life!"

Etc.

Whatever happened to "CONGRATULATIONS!"???

Whatever happened to modesty and the belief that a couple's reproductive life was a private issue between the husband, wife and God? When did people feel so free to say these things that are none of their business?

Personally, my response to all of it is a laugh and no other answer. If it's particularly rude, I will just ask with a grin, "Is it any of your business?!"

Sorry for a long answer to your post. . . This sort of thing has been on my mind a lot as I go about sharing our baby news. I guess most people will never understand because their values are just different than your own. I guess that's what it comes down to. Different values. Maybe that can start being our answer to these questions, "It's hard for me to talk to you about this because I see our values are different when it comes to this issue."

I wish you well and as many little blessings as you want!

 

Like you said, you're an only child. 3 kids under 3 years old must seem like total chaos to them. One thing I like about having a part Hispanic family is that nobody thinks it's strange is you have 3 kids and want more. I'm sorry you aren't getting the support that you should have and that everyone is forcing their opinions on you.

 

I've heard the comment "Well now you've got the millonaire's family, you must be done". I tell them that I have an older son,12, and I'm not sure if DH and I are finished. Besides, I live in Canada, where our birth rate does not exceed our death rate, so I don't see the problem with large families, not the 3 children is large.