What happend?

My husband and I have been together for 16 yrs and married for 10. We had our twin girls 2 years ago after years of trying. As you know the first year was very hard and it did take a toll on us and a bit on our marriage as the stress of twins (and kids) in general do. Now that the girls are older and things are getting easier I feel like the smoke has cleared and we are left with a marriage that needs help. We had an argument a few weeks back where we agreed to get some counseling—with the theme of learning how to get back on track.
After a couple of sessions I feel like the counselor (a mother of grown twins) feels like our issues are superficial and all parents go through a rough time especially during the early years. Well last night we had one of the biggest arguments ever. (He gave me 3 days notice he was leaving the country for ten days and was very upset because my first reaction was a big ‘sigh’. I said I would leave the house immediately if he could find one wife who’s a mother of two yr old twins that would do otherwise! I did know the trip was coming but was told I would get a least 10-days notice and we would discuss it).
I feel like we have lost all respect for each other, we aren’t close at all. I was thinking of all the ways I could “get prepared” to leave.
I can’t pinpoint the issue other than we don’t get along and we bicker a lot with no real affection on either side. And after months of this it’s taken its toll…

 

:hug:'s I don't have a lot of advice. I have only been married 5 years! I know when things are rough with us, I have to make a huge effort even when I don't feel like it. So far it's been worth it, but it's not always that simple. Hoping for a renewed love for both of you. :hug:'s

 

:hug: I'm so sorry you're going through this and for your big fight last night. :hug: I've been married for 10 years this July and I really don't have much advice other then to continue with the therapy and maybe get a therapist just for you. It helps so much to talk and to vent and to get advice. I hope you are able to get out of it what you want and I do think that marriage is such a hard road. It does take respect on both ends and trust. :hug:

 

Oh, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. :hug: Having twins can put a huge strain on even the happiest of marriages. I really don't have any advice because I am not a professional counsellor, but I would suggest that if you don't feel this counsellor is taking either of you seriously, then maybe shop around for another? I had counselling myself a few years back & I know that I actually tried 2 different counsellors until I found one that I felt related well to me personally and provided me with sound advice & guidance that suited my personality. And as the PP suggested, maybe attending counselling just yourself for a while might help also? Sometimes it helps to have an impartial listener just for you, without your husband being there.

Good luck...hang in there. One of my closest friends ws in counselling for over a year, she never thought her marriage would make it and they are now celebrating 15 years together & are stronger than ever. :hug:

 

:hug: I am sorry that you are going through this :hug:
Have you told your counselor that you feel that she is not taking your marriage issues seriously? It might be something for the three of you to work through. I also agree with PP's that if you feel like the counselor is not helping you, perhaps finding another one might be the best avenue and also finding one for yourself (I would still talk about your feelings with the current counselor). Wishing you all the best :grouphug:

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. We have only been married 5 years this June. Is he going out of town on business or pleasure? Having twins has definitely taken a toll on our marriage as well. I don't get your counselor though. So does she feel that this is normal for everyone who has kids and as long as you can tough it out until they are 5 everything will be okay? I think I would try another counselor. I hope you guys are able to get things back on track soon.

 

Big :hug: to you. My marriage almost didn't survive the 1st year of my daughter's life. She is my singleton. I would for sure consider another counselor. Sometimes you need to try more than one to get a good fit. Also, I read a book called "Babyproofing Your Marriage." It had a lot of good things that I didn't realize I was doing or him also. It is written by a bunch of married couples not a Dr. Hope things get better for you. I know how hard kids can be on a marriage.

 

I wish I could come and have a girl's night with you! Huge hugs! You know, sometimes you make it through something major like the first two years of your twins life and your relationship was sacrificed and when it is time to get back to it you have lost each other. My DH and I sense the potential fallout of our relationship if we don't communicate and so we have decided to seek counseling just as a means to communicate before we lose ourselves. I overcommunicate and he keeps it all in. Many times we are thinking the same thoughts and building the same resentments. Someone has to give in because if no one will then it may end badly. Be prepared - it may have to be you to give in for the sake of working on your relationship. I think you have every right to be upset about this trip...it would be war at my house. But the trip aside, it sounds like things were potentially brewing already. Can you get some alone time with him? Look through old trip photos, wedding photos, etc. Try to articulate (yes, talk, this will be harder for him) what the past 2 years has been like for you so he understands. Most importantly, check in and ask how he is doing. My DH is wonderful but he will never really understand being home with our two LOs 24/7 because he hasn't had to do it - he also saw what I have been through and said he couldn't have done it. I am a different person - sometimes I don't like myself and act uncharacteristically to the person I thought I once was, and I tell him that and ask him to help me through this. When we have these talks we always have quite a few days of giddiness that feels like old times, before we get worn and cranky and work up to another argument. One thing we always acknowledge is that we must find time together to talk, to be nice to one another, and to hear each other out without protest or judgement. It is hard sometimes to hear how I have made him feel, and vice versa, but boy does it feel good once we have talked and are back on the same page. It also gives us a chance to apologize, forgive, and move on with a clean slate. Of course I don't know you but I really felt for you after reading your message. Sometimes it is easier to stay angry, and life is already exhausting with toddlers, than it is to work on your relationship. I definitely think this counselor is not for you. I would find another one. And I would try to arrange time to have a calm and open conversation with your DH asap...hopefully before he leaves. Neither of you will have peace if you are both angry when he leaves. Good luck - will be thinking of you. :hug:

 

i don't have any advice, i can just tell you i've been going through the same thing. in the last year and a half DH and i have said the word "divorce" more times than i can count. i just think some things were said and done during those hard first 6 months that i can't forgive or move past. and as long as he thinks i'm resentful, he'll act resentful in return.

i think sometimes we all get stuck. we learned how to communicate with our spouses in the absence of children, and with this new huge life changing factor in place we have to redesign and rethink how we relate to each other.

i wish i had advice but i'm still untangling it and figuring it out myself. at least we know we're not alone!

 

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice. I will definitely look into the book.
DH and I have been talking a lot because that last argument was that bad that it scared the both of us. We decided to talk to the counselor about our concerns.
The counselor did give us a big piece of advice during our first visit that has helped…we realized a lot of our stresses during the week that set the tone was during the “witching hour” between dinner and bed time. To focus on those few hours and accept the situation for what it is instead of focusing on the negative. (But I will keep my options open like the PP said if this counselor doesn’t seem to be helping).

DH is also trying to help like “maybe we can take a yoga class together”. I can’t even touch my toes! But I will do anything

 

Wow, that is great advice, and so true! Things get really bad for DH and I during the "witching hour" and we do find ourselves snapping at each other. That sets the tone for the whole evening, and the sore feelings often continue even after the boys go to bed. I'm not sure how to make this time any less stressful, other than with time. I know it will get better as they get older, but right now it is tough.

I just want to say that I know where you're coming from; having children is the best and hardest thing ever to happen to my marriage. :hug:

 

OMG - a yoga class would be so fun...whether it is calming or funny...who cares!!! Good luck to you.

 

sort of same boat here...dh and i have been together for 23 years (oh MY GOD, i just realized it was that long as i was typing) and married for 13 this new year's eve...tried for years to have kids and then got our twin boys 17 months ago through IUI. our lives became sooooooo unmanageable the first year and are slowly getting better, but WOW have we had our share of fights :catfight: ....and yes, some of them i thought were signalling the inevitable end to our marriage. as wonderful as having children is, it is incredibly draining and causes so many things to change in a marriage. priorities change, schedules change, moods change, feelings change, opinions change...it's CONSTANTLY CHANGING! :wacko:

the person my husband THOUGHT i was is not exactly the kind, patient, put together woman he thought. and my opinion of him on a day to day basis fluctuates between loathing his remarks about how i didn't do something the way he would have done it to resenting him because the boys are SOOOO happy to see him when he gets home. it's a roller coaster for sure.

my only advice is to try and find 5 minutes of quiet time with yourself during the day before he gets home to reflect on the better times in your marriage, try and appreciate him for all that he is, and see if you can let the little things slide. i know the trip isn't a little thing, but there might have been 1000 little resentments built up behind that 'sigh'.

hang in there! just as your kids evolve from babies to toddlers to teens etc, your marriage is evolving too!

 

Thanks for the update Taurus Twins! Definitely take your DH up on the yoga class offer. I am glad that you both are finding the counselor's suggestions helpful :hug:

 

I hope things continue to get better each day. Yes, if the counselor isn't helping find another. I think when there is a lot of bickering there is an underlying issue... our issues for the main part were a lot about "expectation"... what I expected from my dh and what he expected from me. expectations that weren't ever expressed aren't good b/c the other person doesn't know what is expected of the them...

anyway, I know that you can rebuild love and respect. In fact here are some books that I've gained some good knowledge from:

Getting the Love You Want by Harvey Hendrix

Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

5 love languages by Gary Chapman

These are all books and some have books on tape so you can listen to them. The 1st set - Getting the Love You Want is a great series - its the author of "Imago Therapy" - a therapy style.

again good luck to all of us! And YES take your dh up on the couples yoga - sounds like he is willing to try and make some efforts so that's great, keep encouraging that.

 

I could have typed this post word for word. I am in the same boat with my DH and have been for about a year now. I don't really have any advice because I'm getting nowhere.

But I think I've come to the point that I just don't care anymore. I'm tired of asking him to do things that he should just do. I'm tired of the constant roll of the eyes I get. I workd full time, as does he. But he thinks that he doesn't have to do anything to help out around the house. So I end up doing EVERYTHING after work. I also have an older DD that is in select soccer, gymnastics, and getting ready to start cheer. I am run raged by the time I get home. I would love to sit on the couch like he does but there are things that need to get done. And I swear if I hear "when are we going to have sex" one more time, I'm likely to hang the man! Having sex with him is the LAST thing I'm interested in doing!

OK my rant is done.

 

one thing I wanted to add... was that when we'd first gone to counseling many years ago (before kids)... we were at the frustrated stage, and always getting mad at each other and nit picking etc.

the first "assignment" we got was to make a short list of things we'd like the other to do for us. Simple things. Like, bring me flowers, give me a hug, take out the trash, read a book with me, hold my hand, watch tv with me etc. anyway, you make the list of what you want your dh to do for you, and he makes a list for you that he'd like you to do for him... and the kicker is that WHEN he does anything on the list for you, you know that he's trying to make an effort. It takes the guesswork out of the equation and helps you to create some friendly vibes with each other...

anyway, I highly highly recommend finding a therapist if you are not doing great in your relationship!