What do you do when they are fighting?

Do you just let them work it out? Do you intervene? Here is the repeated scenario at my house, I'm sure it's very common w/more than 1 child: Twin 1 has a toy and Twin 2 decides she wants that toy so she just goes up and takes it out of Twin 1's hands. Then Twin 1 starts to scream and looks at me. What should I do? Ignore it? Take the toy from Twin 2 and give it back to the one who originally had it? What is the right thing to do?

 

I usually intervene, especially if it becomes heated. I take the toy from the "grabber", give it back to the original "holder" and tell the grabber that they can have it when their brother is finished. I say "Soon it will be your turn" and I tell the "holder" directly, "Make sure you give it to James/Evan when you're done." Then I usually suggest an alternative but equally fun toy for the grabber. If the grabber persists in grabbing, I put them in their crib for a minute to cool off.

Then, later, if I see them sharing or if someone shares with me or does some fair turn taking, I make a BIG deal about how great it is: Great sharing! Wow, you waited your turn. Nice job! What a big boy! What a good boy for sharing! And sometimes if I share something with someone (a child or my husband) I make a big deal about how I like sharing. I think this modeling/praise component is very important.

 

QUOTE(CHJH @ Jan 30 2009, 07:53 AM) [snapback]1168838[/snapback]
Then, later, if I see them sharing or if someone shares with me or does some fair turn taking, I make a BIG deal about how great it is: Great sharing! Wow, you waited your turn. Nice job! What a big boy! What a good boy for sharing! And sometimes if I share something with someone (a child or my husband) I make a big deal about how I like sharing. I think this modeling/praise component is very important.


That's a good idea, I will have to try that. We've just started fighting over toys so I've been ignoring it, but that seems like it's only making it escalate. This morning they got into their dirty clothes hamper and were fighting over a washcloth and I saw Lily grab Amelia by the shirt and try to bite her back. Amelia had just taken the washcloth from Lily. I was thinking that ignoring isn't going to work, but if I take it from the baby who has just grabbed it I think she is going to throw a tantrum too, I don't think they are old enough to understand the concept of sharing, kwim?

 

I'm in the same boat you are and will be interested to hear what moms with older kids do. DS2 is our toy thief and he gets away with it a lot because DS1 is such a busy body that he just moves on to something else. Lately though DS1 is standing up to him and trying to get the book/toy back.

So far I take it from the grabber and give it back to who had it. I try to give the grabber a different toy - sometimes it works, sometimes he cries, but usually not for long.

 

I only intervene when it's toy snatching. I always give it back to the holder and tell the snatcher that taking toys is bad, they need to wait until it's their turn. When they're playing nice I praise praise praise them! (Hey, it works for the dogs too!). Now they're starting to share the toys, or play with them at the same time, and starting to play together.

When they're fighting over my lap, I usually try to remove my lap from the situation. They stopped fighting over the lap pretty recently. I guess they realize that if they don't want to be next to each other, there're a lot more seats in the house.

 

This is mainly still an issue for the twins AND my 4 yr old, unfortunately. To narrow it down even more, it is mainly just between the girls, but sometimes DS2 will be involved as well.
In my house ignoring it DOESNT work. That just makes the grabber think it is ok, and makes the original 'holder' throw a fit and feel unfairly treated. (rightfully so)
I make them give it back, and if the grabber wants to cry, so be it, but they really have no reason to cry, when they were the ones who were being mean.
My 4 yr old has a problem using her words.. if someone takes a toy she was playing with she will scream and cry and throw a fit and say "I HAAADD THAAATT!!!" I have to tell her everytime, to say "I had that toy. Can I have it back please?" and if they dont give it back, then come tell mommy and I will make them give it back. DD2 is actually pretty good about sharing and giving things back, when asked nicely.. She doesnt respond well to DD1 screaming at her.

My problem is if they were playing with a toy, but have put it down next to them, and someone else picks it up.. Do I make them give it back if the child was not actually holding/playing with the toy? They have a lot of items like play cell phones, food, etc, that they like to carry in bags and play house/kitchen/store, etc. so if they have put down an item that was 'theirs', what should I do?

 

When my boys were younger and "snatched" toys .. I never snatched from the snatcher. Reason being .. it sets a bad example. If you dont want your child taking toys away from other children .. grabbing a toy from their hand (even though they got it the naughty way) only reinforces the "snatch and grab" behaviour. Instead .. I got down on my knees and looked at them in the face (I always like to talk to my children face to face .. believe it or not it's much more effective) and made the offender give the toy back. Of course it wasnt an easy task .. BUT after awhile . all I had to do was say "give it back" and they do so. Not that there isnt some whining and crying .. but they got the idea. Arguing over toys just comes with the territory .. but its a good time to teach a good lesson.
Its kind of like the no hitting rule .. if you try to teach your child not to hit .. by hitting them .. your just sending a mixed message .. I think this applies to alot of things when trying to teach good values.

Also .. if the other child doesnt make a big deal out of the toy being taken from them (Jesse never seemed to mind it so much) I didnt intervene .. but I did make sure to tell Jesse "Wow, thank you for sharing that toy with Jayden !" and I would say to Jayden "next time, Jayden, please ask Jesse if you can play with his toy".

 

QUOTE(Moodyzblu @ Jan 30 2009, 09:23 AM) [snapback]1169033[/snapback]
When my boys were younger and "snatched" toys .. I never snatched from the snatcher. Reason being .. it sets a bad example. If you dont want your child taking toys away from other children .. grabbing a toy from their hand (even though they got it the naughty way) only reinforces the "snatch and grab" behaviour. Instead .. I got down on my knees and looked at them in the face (I always like to talk to my children face to face .. believe it or not it's much more effective) and made the offender give the toy back. Of course it wasnt an easy task .. BUT after awhile . all I had to do was say "give it back" and they do so. Not that there isnt some whining and crying .. but they got the idea. Arguing over toys just comes with the territory .. but its a good time to teach a good lesson.
Its kind of like the no hitting rule .. if you try to teach your child not to hit .. by hitting them .. your just sending a mixed message .. I think this applies to alot of things when trying to teach good values.


This makes sense to me. Although I don't think I can reason with my 18 mo to convince them to give a toy back. Maybe when they're older?

We've just started with the toy snatching. What I've been doing so far is to pry the toy from the snatchers hand (literally prying each finger off), then giving it back to the original twin. This causes a tantrum in the snatcher who is almost always DS. He also goes goes right back to DD and snatches it back while throwing his fit. Then I usually put the toy away so they can't fight over it anymore.

As you can see, I have no clue what to do because what I'm doing really isn't working.

 

QUOTE(JessiePlus2 @ Jan 30 2009, 05:24 PM) [snapback]1169256[/snapback]
This makes sense to me. Although I don't think I can reason with my 18 mo to convince them to give a toy back. Maybe when they're older?

We've just started with the toy snatching. What I've been doing so far is to pry the toy from the snatchers hand (literally prying each finger off), then giving it back to the original twin. This causes a tantrum in the snatcher who is almost always DS. He also goes goes right back to DD and snatches it back while throwing his fit. Then I usually put the toy away so they can't fight over it anymore.

As you can see, I have no clue what to do because what I'm doing really isn't working.

No, it isnt easy to reason with an 18 month old .. but its not impossible ! Be consistant and make sure to explain to them why you are taking the toy away. I know it almost seems pointless to explain .. but they can understand more than you think. Kind of like talking to a newborn .. it helps to make eye contact and it opens up the lines of communication. So many times i have seen a parent try to discipline a child WITHOUT a word .. or maybe a "thats NOT nice !" .. thats not teaching the child anything .. kwim ? I really try to put myself in the childs position and try to understand how frustrating it is for them to not get the toy they want. Having a fit is a natural reaction .. especially when they are so young.

 

It depends. Knock on wood they have not hit or bit each other over it so sometimes I let them work through their emotions and figure it out and most times one of them will move on. If it is something they really really want and the other is just taking it away and throwing it so the other can't have it. I get down to their level and tell them "share" when you are done you give it to brother and then distract brother with something else. I agree with Michelle, an 18 month old is hard to reason with but it is not impossible. When I see them later sharing on their own I make a big deal about it and tell them that was so super nice. Then they try to do it more and more. It is good and bad days but I try to be consistent.

 

I will usually take the toy from the grabber and give it back to the twin who had it first. I also make sure to praise them when they are playing nicely and share.

 

It's really hard to deal with it at that age because I don't think they really understand. I would definitely intervene. My boys started getting physical with each other at a young age, and one especially started biting his brother really hard and pulling out his hair! At that age I think the best thing is to separate and distract them. If it was me I would just take the toy they are fighting over away and try to get them interested in something else. My boys started to learn the concept of taking turns when they were two. They weren't happy about it, but they started to understand at least. Then giving the toy to the first one who had it works better.

We've had some things that worked pretty well at age three. When they start fighting over a toy, my husband started turning on the kitchen timer for 10 minutes and telling them when the timer goes off it is the other one's turn. After the first time, one of my son's came running up to me the next day telling me I needed to turn the timer on so he could have the toy his brother was playing with. It was hilarious.

Another thing that works with older kids is telling them you're going to take the toy away completely if they can't decide who is going to play with it first. Most of the time my boys will work it out instead of having it taken it away.

We don't tolerate our boys' fighting and bickering with each other. It escalates to hitting, punching, kicking, way too quickly. Grandma has talks with them about being each other's best friend and how we treat our best friends. You wouldn't think they are listening, but when they are playing with their toys, all of their stuffed animals have "best friends", so I know they are starting to understand. It's really cute.

 

A quickie on taking/giving back. My Kate has always been the bossy one, and bothers Max constantly. When I started to see a pattern of Kate-take-toy, Max-look at Mummy- cry I decided that I needed to stop being in the middle. So, I started counting to three. When one takes something from the other (or does something they are not allowed to do like climb on the table) I tell them I am going to count to three and then (fill in my action). So, it gives Kate a count of three to decide to give it back or I will come and take it away. It has worked really well - I started when they were about 15 months old, and I was surprised how quickly they began to understand the system. I like that it gives them a chance to make the right decision before being forced - and it really reinforces that they have some control but not all.

 

I take the toy away from the snatcher - being sure to ask for it nicely and explain why I am taking it. We also talk about turns and waiting. I really explain that it is Lily's turn and Jack is waiting. I help the waiter say that they are "waiting" and then I say that in 2 minutes it is going to be Jack's turn. Then after a few minutes I will count to 10 and tell Lily that when I get to ten she has to give the toy to Jack. It really works well. Yesterday Jack was on the ride on toy Lily wanted so I told Lily that she was waiting and in two minutes it would be her turn. She looked at me and started to thrust her fingers in the air like she was counting to ten...it was really funny.

That being said, I only go through all of this if it is something causing a major fight. If this does not work then mommy takes the toy for a bit!

 

If I see it happen, I will try and get the other one to give the toy back ("That's not nice. Brooklyn had it first. Please give the toy back to Brooklyn.") At 18 months, rarely do they hand it back themselves. So I usually give it back to the other one while they are still holding it. If they won't let go of it then I remove it from their little hands and hand it back to the other one myself. If it becomes a major meltdown, then they go to time-out to cool off.

If I don't see it happen (rather just hear fighting), I try to let them work it out themselves instead of immediately running in. Although if it sounds like it is getting out of control, of course I intervene.